I have ‘THE FEAR’ 

I have ‘THE FEAR’ 

It hit me this morning, on the way to work, this time next week i may not be pregnant.

Its scary.

Im 20+4 today and ive never got past 21+4 before….thats just a week away. GULP. 

Ive spent the day on my feet today but had to keep having sitting breaks, willing baby to move. So far so good.

Im monitoring EVERYTHING. Movement, discharge, aches, and pains. 

I REALLY dont want this to be over next week.

Luckily, on Monday at 21+1 (when i lost Millie) im having a cervix scan…hoping that will reassure me, as well as seeing midwife for heartbeat check, blood pressure and water check and finally counselling.

I am SO going to need it to be honest. I was hoping id go numb or shut down for the scary week but it seems not.

A very tiny part of me is fairly hopeful that this is my take home baby. But then, Millie was fine until she wasnt.

Of course the Coronation Street storyline couldnt have come at a better/worse time. Better, because i want the taboo broken but worse, because its VERY close to home.

From what ive been told/read the stillborn storyline has been excellently portrayed. Its gritty, but baby loss is. The details have been well portrayed (hearing live babies being born whilst yours is born silently) but bloody hell, if it had been screened next week i would think it was a sign. As it is im doing my best to keep out of it whilst quietly raising awareness through this blog.

So for the next 8 days i just have to hope that the take home baby gods are kind to me, that i wont have to go through my 3rd silent birth in 4 years and that i WILL meet and TAKE HOME this baby.

Anxiety is about a 6 now though, usually a 3.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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