Its a weird one. You’re delighted you are pregnant but you are terrified of losing that precious baby again.
As you reach each milestone, 1st scan, 12 week scan, anomaly scan, getting past your loss gestation, people expect you to relax. But you dont.
Every scan the sonographer expects you to grin inanely at the heartbeat, but you dont. You know that in that instant everything is OK but you also know it can change in a second.
Every day you are on knicker watch, wondering if today will be the day that you bleed or have indications of an infection.
Every time you wipe, you check in case there is something there that shouldnt be. Every day. 33 weeks and you still do it.
Every scan, and you’ve had a lot of them, you wait for them to tell you ‘im sorry but…’ you hold your breath, waiting for the dream to end.
Pregnancy is a blessing, but pregnancy after loss is a means to an end.
You worry every day, whether it be about movement, the birth, or how you’ll keep him alive if he makes it into the world.
You dream horrendous dreams, about losing him, about him dying whilst you sleep. You wake up every morning and hold your breath waiting for him to move, wondering if youve lost him.
You have to buy baby items, but you worry that you are jinxing it with every single purchase. You hold off as long as you can.
Being surrounded by baby items is just too much, its too real, it could be your downfall. Allowing yourself to think about the future is a no go.
You run out of baby shops in a state of full anxiety, worried you’ll have a panic attack or breakdown.
You are jealous of the pregnant people you see, wishing you could be as happy as they seem instead of being full of worry.
There are moments of happiness, but they are countered 10 times over by worry. You so desperately want to enjoy your pregnancy as you know it may be the only one you ever had, but its been marred by your previous experience.
Even on countdown to the end, bump doesnt equal baby, its surreal. Youve waited so long amd tried so hard to get here that you dare not believe itll happen for you.
Every night when you go to bed still pregnant is a win. But you know come morning you will start the fear cycle all over again.
You do whatever you can to get through each day. You record the milestones, wondering if that will be the last picture of you pregnant, or the last thing you buy baby. You hide your purchases hoping this will prevent another heartbreaking loss.
Pregnancy after loss isnt easy.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx