Maternity Leave Madness

Yesterday i finished work. It feels like ill be back in 2 weeks. It definitely does not feel like ill be off for up to a year and will soon have a tiny human to care for.

Even with the amazing gifts, for which im truly grateful, it still hasnt sunk in that in 29 days ill be going into hospital and the bump will become a baby, possibly within hours.

I wonder when itll actually sink in that i really am having a baby? 

We went away for the evening last night to celebrate my last day and our last getaway, just the 2 of us.

We had a delightful meal and good rest for the first time this week. Between NCT classes and viewing the maternity shoot pictures we havent had an evening to ourselves all week.

Im really pretty tired when i allow myself to actually stop so today will be spent in front of the TV, occassionally on my ball, but mostly on the sofa.

Im still not completely prepared for baby, i still need a crib and mattress and as it looks like the house move has slowed down again (after picking up last week) i think ill just take the plunge and purchase them ASAP, just in case.

The house move….ugh. New house is vacant and all minor issues resolved. We are ready to move BUT my buyer is having issues with what sounds like a fairly incompetent mortgage provider! (They have sent all his details to a solicitor hes not using!) Until he gets these issues resolved, we are at a standstill, again!

My nesting instinct doesnt like this. It wants to be moved, setttled and decorated before baby’s arrival. We may get to move before he comes but settled and decorated are looking doubtful at this point.

We are going to the newly vacated house tomorrow to get a real idea of what needs doing, what we need to buy and how much decorating there is to do. Ive had to cancel the booking with the decorater as we wont be in when i thought and finding a decorator short notice is going to be tough. Thankfully our bedroom, the dining room and conservatory SHOULD be fine, its just the other 3 bedrooms, lounge and kitchen that need work doing to them. The lounge and nursery will be my main focus when we eventually get in.

The house is still a key distraction for the upcoming birth. Labour/induction isnt worrying me too much. Caring for a newborn? Whole other kettle of fish!

Before the losses i was pretty confident about my parenting skills, i liked babies, they liked me and caring for them came naturally.

Since the losses, my confidence has dwindled and i find myself wondering if ill manage to keep my tiny human alive.

Im assured instinct will kick in very quickly and within hours/days ill know what im doing but i hate, that even now, baby loss is still impacting my life.

Its not something you expect, grief yes, fear of pregnancy, yes, but fear of caring for a baby? Nope, didnt see that one coming. 

Every task from winding to bathing to feeding seems so daunting at the moment. Im scared to confront it, in the form of parenting books, for example, in case im overwhelmed and feel worse not better.

Im hoping that being on leave will give me time to brave the books, especially as the antenatal classes finish next week too!!! 

Im also planning on swimming a fair bit in the next few weeks, im sick of feeling so heavy and it has the added benefit of being healthy and helping baby engage, which he doesnt seem to have done as yet! Lazy boy! 

4 weeks 1 day until induction….

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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