Motherhood

Motherhood

Its HARD. No other way of putting it. And its a rollercoaster. 

The Bond….everyone talks about the overwhelming feeling of love you feel when you meet your baby. When i met my baby it was a blur. We’d been through a traumatic birth. I didnt get skin to skin as he didnt cry. I thought he would die. I was convinced. Then they handed him to me and took me to the ward. And left me with him. My job to take care of this tiny new human. So i did. But for someone else. He wasnt mine. 

Baby T is spectacular. I know this because everyone tells me so. For the first few days i only held him to feed. I didnt just cuddle him. I put him down and looked at him. I wondered when he would be taken away. Now i hold him more. Just because. But im still not in love. When he looks at me i realise what a beautiful baby he is. Id do anything to protect him, to care for him, but am i in love? No. Im scared to let go. What if he leaves me? I worry the midwives will take him away or that he will stop breathing. I cant deal with the pain. So i protect myself and in doing so, deny myself. I force myself to hold him now, to kiss him (took me 4 days) and when he looks at me, its getting more ‘Wow’ but its slow going.

Breastfeeding….i SO wanted to do it. I did it in hospital. It was agony. I thought it was normal. On Wednesday the midwife mentioned blood blisters from a bad latch. I checked. Over 20 blood blisters. I had never ever heard of this until then. Honestly every suck made my toes curl. On Wednesday afternoon, I sent Mr Me for formula and i hated myself. On Thursday i felt OK about formula feeding (ff). I wasnt as anxious. Baby T was happy on the bottle. Content. On Thursday night i hated myself. I didnt give it a chance, id failed my child, i was missing out and so was he. He wasnt going to need me because anyone could feed him. On Friday i got the blisters off in the bath and hand expressed. My milk was in. On Friday night we tried breastfeeding again. It hurt. He screamed. My anxiety was through the roof. I ordered the Perfect Prep machine (makes up bottles in 2 minutes at right temperature) for next day delivery. Ive tried not to look back. Its hard. I feel guilty. I feel i have to explain. FF is working for us. Hes happy. My boobs dont hurt. I still feel like a bad mum.

The trauma continues….New Mums are never told about the feeling of their asses being blown out after birth. Its like a secret you cant know until you are part of the club. And you can see the other mums laughing as the new mums waddle about holding onto their asses.  You always hear about how you forget about the pain of childbirth. But a week later when your stitches make you cry out in agony when peeing, you are still in that delivery room, still being cut, still experiencing every ounce of pain.

How can you bond with the person who did that to you? 

You question everything. Every decision. You worry you are not worried enough. You worry you worry too much. You wonder if everyone feels so overwhelmed at the beginning? You wonder if having some sleep means you dont care enough about whether baby is breathing or not. Despite having less than 20 hours of sleep in a week.

You hope the love will come. That the past wont ruin the future and you wonder if youll ever be good enough.

Thats early motherhood.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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17 thoughts on “Motherhood

  1. Toni, congratulations on the arrival of Baby T. I’ve been following your journey for a very long time, even before your blog as we went through cycles at similar times on bc. I’ll never forget the kindness you showed me. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how normal what you are feeling is and reassure you the love will come. I had two loses (early ones, nothing as terrible as what you went through) and then following my 5th cycle got my take home baby. However, it was really tough. My waters broke at 25 weeks, he was born at 31 weeks and taken straight to the NICU after we nearly lost him during the birth. It took me a long time to understand (maybe the wrong word but how it felt) he was my son. That the baby I was pregnant with, the one in NICU and the baby I took home were the same one. And for the love to build. But I promise you it does. Everyday the pain lessens and the love grows until you feel everything you expected and so much more. Everyone expected that I would just be over everything once I got him home, but it just doesn’t work like that. Be kind to yourself (and check in with your GP as you do need to be careful of postnatal depression), happiness is just around the corner now xx
    PS sorry about the long comment! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the reassurance. I do struggle when i look at my tummy as i wonder where my bump is. I find it hard to relate that bump is now T. It will come. I know it will. Its just been such a long hard journey xx

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  2. Toni, he is beautiful and you are doing brilliantly and the best that you can. There is no right or wrong just what works for you and your little boy. The first few weeks is really tough. I had Epsom salts in my bath with lavender and tea tree oil every day for a good few weeks after giving birth and I found it really helped the discomfort. Plus maternity pads smeared with aloe and witch hazel kept in the freezer. They gave us them in the hospital and I made my own for home. Take care of yourself a hug for you and kisses to your sweet boy. Xx

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    1. Salt and lavender. Got it. Making myself the frozen pads with arnica gel but ill add witch hazel too. I wish the pain would stop so i could concentrate more on the littlest T. Xx

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      1. I know the pain is horrid but each day it does get better. Table salt works too but I bought Epsom or Himalayan bath salts as felt a bit more pampering when I needed it. You just need to have a good soak each day! Loose clothes and try and get the air to it too! God I sound like my mother! Btw you may well be already but if you missed out on the initial
        Skin to skin in the hospital nothing to say you can’t do it now your home. Xxx

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  3. Hugs Hun xx don’t feel guilty about the Breast feeding, my perfect prep was my life saver. Also I think when you’ve been through a traumatic birth and are struggling with stitches etc, to then try and struggle with breast feeding can be a step too far. Be kind to yourself. Sounds like you are doing a fab job.xx

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  4. I put tucks pads, basically bits of gauze in witch hazel, on my pads. It was a lifesaver. And made crotch-sicles when I got home. I felt the protection thing but not the immediate love but maybe that’s all it is. I had a pretty run of the mill birth and still felt like that. You aren’t alone. It is hard.

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    1. Thank you lovely. That helps. Im thinking ice is going to be my friend soon. If itd just fade a bit i could get on with nappy changes and bath time but as it is im stuck trying to find a comfy position xx

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  5. Oh hon. I just want to give you a big hug. My first birth was pretty traumatic and bonding took me awhile so I understand all this. My baby is almost 6 years old now and goddamn I adore him. I really started to get the adoration thing at 6 mths so don’t feel bad if it is slowly slowly.

    As for fear of losing them, I’m not sure it ever leaves you, just fades a little. My rainbow baby is almost 1 and we had to fight to get her and every time she gets even a little bit sick I have this irrational fear something awful is happening and I’m going to lose her after all. I’m less irrational about it as we go and I’m sure this will only improve.

    Don’t sweat it with the bf. it’s not for everyone. You baby will do just fine without it.

    My first birth was a csection and my second a natural and I was also surprised at how best up my body felt afterwards. I didn’t feel like my arse was falling out but I didn’t feel recovery was quite as easy as some make out. Still, it was quicker than my csection recovery and I’d do it again. One day it will just stop feeling so bad and it will be before you know it. Promise x

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    1. Haha im glad your arse didnt feel like it was falling out. Its not pleasant. Perhaps thats due to the cut.
      I think once im no longer in pain and able to do more ill feel a much better parent. I just feel so inadequate right now. Mr Me does everything and although i appreciate it im beginning to feel left out.
      Ahhhh hormones. Gotta love em

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  6. Everyone feels overwhelmed in the beginning. Everyone. The first few weeks with Lettie I was googling things like, “I don’t like my baby.” Shit is hard. You have been through multiple traumatic experiences, so of course you are feeling like someone will take him away. He is yours, though. For keeps. The bond will come in time as you heal, don’t worry. You are doing a great job. A GREAT job. Sending you a huge hug from across the world. You got this. I promise.

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    1. Awww thank you. Its so so reassuring. At times ive looked at my fur babies and missed my old life. Having read all the comments its so normal to feel like i do. That helps so much
      One day at a time.

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  7. In the adoption world we are taught a lot about attachment and how it doesn’t happen immediately for everyone. I mention this becauae we were told that attachment doesnt alqays happen instantly for parents of biological children, as is your case. We were told if attachment doesn’t come right away to give it time and to know that it will come eventually. And it’s okay if it takes time.
    Sending so much love your way.

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    1. Its so reassuring. I thought the instant bond was common place but from what ive read its more often that people take time to bond. Im glad im not alone. I have faith it will happen in the future though.

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