Firsts

Firsts

There have been a number of firsts over the last few weeks. Some good and some not so good.

Little T smiled for the 1st time…at the GP. She had literally just asked if he was smiling yet, i said only windy smiles for him to smile at her!!!!! Since then we have managed to see a few more smiles but none caught on camera and ive no idea what made him smile so cant replicate it!!! 

Im on my period for the first time in 10 months. Although not painful it is heavy, and long. Im used to 2 days of fresh blood and a few days spotting. Today is day 5 of fresh red blood!!! Been through a pack of sani pads and onto my 2nd since Saturday. This better not be a sign of things to come as im not a fan. 

Mr Me and I went on our 1st date night since Little Ts arrival. We spent 90% of it talking about Little T but the other 10% we were just us. Not parents. Just a married couple, in their 30s, drinking cocktails. That time as a couple was so valuable, so needed. For weeks we had barely seen each other, let alone had a conversation so to sit and eat and just talk was wonderful. It was actually kinda hard to go home as the cocktails were going down so nicely! 

This week was the 1st time ive admitted to a health professional im struggling a bit. The health visitor asked about meds and i said i was thinking of upping my antidepressants. Im not super low or anything but im quite anxious. Plus ive never done well in my own company and as much as i try to get out, im on my own with the baby. The HV gave me details of a group for Mums who are struggling and i really need to contact my counsellor but i cant seem to do it. My self confidence is beginning to drop, im anxious about walking into a group on my own!!! 

Im finding it hard due to the pressure i feel. Which is self inflicted. I feel like i need to manage being a Mum beautifully. With no hiccups. After all ive waited 8 years for this, it should be everything ive ever wanted. And it is. But its also sooooooo different to the picture i had in my mind. Im happy to tell others how well they are doing despite sleep deprivation etc. But cant take my own advice, ever. 

I worry im missing subtle clues, that my baby is in distress and i dont know. I look at the online baby group and then come off it again as its overwhelming. I really worry im not doing enough with Little T, that hes bored or that im not stimulating him in the right way. He goes on his tummy once a day on his gym and listens to songs and we show him toys of various colours and textures….is that enough??? 

There are times ive wondered why i yearned for this, times ive wondered if im cut out for it, times ive wondered why ive inflicted this on myself and Mr Me. But then Little T looks at me with those big eyes and its all worth it or i see Mr Me and Little T together and know its absolutely worth it.

Right now id do anything for 8 hours sleep, a warm meal and a full body massage. Carrying about my 9lb+ son is not good for my back!! 

Speaking of my body, ive not lost an ounce of weight in weeks. Its starting to get to me. Im on my feet a lot and barely have time to eat so how am i not losing weight??? I have about 4 outfits that look OK so its kinda like being pregnant and wearing the same outfits over and over again!!! I need to join baby gym really, but as above, im nervous! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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12 thoughts on “Firsts

  1. Don’t compare yourself to others – particularly moms, they seem to be the worst for the look how wonderful I am things. I know I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough with/for my kids but (overall) they are healthy and happy and most of the time that’s good enough for me.

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    1. I think im comparing myself to the mum i thought id be vs the mum i am. We sleep late if we can and i dont read to him yet and i dont engage him as much as i think i should. Because i need sleep. Sleep and wine hahaha xx

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      1. I think most of us have an ideal picture of what those first weeks will be like and then reality sets in – along with the dishes and laundry pilling up.

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  2. I am so pleased you have spoken to someone about your concerns and I hope you can dig deep and get to that group. I think it would be really worthwhile. And no, he isn’t bored. Remember babies have never seen the world before. If you just pop outside onto the grass on a nice sunny day he will think it is the most amazing adventure ever. But I am also certain he is totally satisfied with what is happening right now. A midwife told me that when my son was a baby. She was so right.

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  3. You are doing my great as his Mom and giving him plenty of stimulation. Remember, babies don’t need much at that age. Lots of love and snuggles. I hope you can find it in you to go to that group. I think you would find it helpful. Hope you’re feeling better by now since I’m so behind on my reading.

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