I havent been to a baby group this week. I found a perfect one on Tuesday afternoon but talked myself out of it. They advised bringing a water nappy for the baby and i told myself Little T was too young for water play.

That was a lie.

I wasnt brave enough.

I did tell the GP last week i was struggling and have upped my antidepressants to my pre IVF level. Im yet to feel the benefit but it takes time and im back at the GP for monitoring next week.

I thought id go back to counselling. Mr Me made the call as i couldnt but ive lost my place due to non attendance (i missed 5 weeks = 2 sessions). So im back on the waiting list. My GP did say she could make a referral too, i wanted continuity but perhaps time is of the essence so i think ill explain the situation to her next week and see what she thinks.

Like 75% of women im suffering with post natal depression. Its no surprise and i kinda expected it. Its hard though. Its taken the form of struggling to love Little T and feeling fat and low. 

I know why im struggling to love Little T.

Im scared.

Im terrified he will be taken away. I feel like ive moved on from the SIDS fear. I sometimes forget to put the sensor mat on, so my fear is definitely lessening but i cant let my guard down.

Hes a beautiful little boy, he looks at me with such adoration and his smile…wow. I would do anything for him, id never hurt him. Im just too scared to love him. And thats so sad. 

Look at that smile!!!

To fix that i need to talk. And im trying to sort that.

Weight. Im huge. Im techinically overweight according to BMI too. NEVER EVER THOUGHT ID BE OVERWEIGHT. Ok so im a size 14 bottom and 12 top. I can manage the 12, kind of. But the 14? From a size 6. Nope. I hate my tummy. Hate it. I KNOW its only been 7 weeks but the thought of being this big for the foreseeable? Nah. I have 7 items of clothing ive bought new, everything else is too fecking small and its contributing to my low mood.

Mr Me suggested joining one of the weight loss mummy groups. And thats great except my anxiety is in too much control to let me yet. Plus i have nothing to wear. 😉

Depression and anxiety is a vicious cycle. Depression is worse for me when im on my own with no adult stimulation. I need to meet other Mummies ASAP. Anxiety stops me going out to meet new people. It does look like ill get to see more of the NCT ladies now though, we met at L’s house for tea yesterday and said we would keep meeting up so fingers crossed thatll happen. Its nice to meet them as we all have the same parenting struggles and its nice to feel we are not alone. No one wants to feel alone.

So yeah, thats where im at. Struggling but working on it.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


10 thoughts on “PND

  1. It sounds like you’re being very honest and open, and that’s a big help when tackling depression and anxiety (as if you don’t already know that!) but I totally know what you mean about how you look making you feel low – I piled on 3 stone during and after my pregnancy and in the first six months I just didn’t know what day it was thanks to sleep deprivation so didn’t even care how fat I was! 😂 but, it did start getting to me at around six months. I got sick of never having anything to wear, I couldn’t bring myself to go out and buy size 16 clothes so I joined Slimming World online. It is the best thing I did. I’ve lost the three stone I’d gained in the last six months since joining. I couldn’t face going to a class or a group, so for me doing it online was a life saver. I’m starting to feel like me again now, and I’m enjoying buying new clothes again which is something that hasn’t happened for a long time. It’s a sensible diet plan that’s easy to stick to, and sensible for a new mum. I would never have coped with not sleeping, and then depriving myself of nice food as well, but I’ve found slimming world brilliant, because I’ve still eaten really well. Anyway, it’s just something that’s helped me so I thought it was worth sharing. You’re doing amazingly. X

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not sure whereabouts in Manchester you are (sorry, I meant to reply on your last thread) but please do shout if you want some moral support for baby groups, or even just want to hang out (don’t mean to sound like an internet weirdo). I totally get where you’re at. I go to a mumfit group (again I’m not sure if you’re anywhere near to me) and it’s ace and everyone is lovely, and is good to build up a bit of confidence in that department (body/exercise etc) at own pace and not having to leave the little squidges. Anyway sending hugs, and let me know if I can help X x

    Liked by 1 person

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