Little T pulled up today!! Given he couldn’t weight bear last week, it was a bit of a shock. I’ve been putting him on his feet but he didn’t seem interested, until today when he casually crawled over to a soft play shape and did this…
Today i had my appointment with the specialist MS doctor.
After much discussion of symptoms, and a few physical tests, it was decided i do have MS but dont present in a traditional way. Most people get worse through pregnancy as the immune system is lowered, whereas i am symptomless in pregnancy. My symptoms very much come and go, which the Dr thinks seems to indicaye my issues seem to resolve themselves after a period of time.
Im to go back in 3 months, i had blood tests today to check im compatible with one of the four drugs suggested for future treatment, and ill have another MRI before seeing the doctor again. He also wants me to have high dose steroids to tide me over whilst an MDT (multidisciplinary team meeting) is carried out to decide the best course of treatment.
Im happy its MS. I was dreading them saying they didnt know what it is, and having to start again.
Its obvious there are more inflammation spots on my brain since the MRI 5 years ago.
That i can manage.
But! The drugs arent ideal if i want to get pregnant again. I’d need to stop treatment for 12m before trying again. Plus, is it even fair? Do i put all my energy into being healthy for the one i have, or risk my health for a possible sibling?
My head says, stick with one and be the best you can be, but my heart is gutted. I’d like a sibling in time, but can i justify it? Will i be well enough to have 2? Will the break from meds make me experience more and more extensive symptoms
Its hit me harder than i thought tbh, i don’t know what to do with myself. I wanna run away but also know I’m so lucky to have my friends/family and son.
Since January, I’ve been on a mission to lose weight. The BMI calculator told me i was obese so it had to be done. I set my target as the top end of healthy and I’m pleased to say I’ve reached it. And a bit more!!!
Just 12lbs to lose to my ideal weight, which is 1.5st heavier than i was when i got pregnant with Little T.
I’ve not been following a diet as such, just sticking to around 1200 calories a day and as we’ve had such good weather, I’ve been pushing the pram a lot!!! I’d like to hit my target by September, so I’m not rushing the loss or at risk of putting it back on.
We are still a no on doing IVF in September, i really am enjoying Little T too much, but I’m pretty certain i want another in a couple of years so will renew the embryo freezing.
I started smoking again. Ugh. It started with one or two a week when the idea i may have MS came up, but quickly progressed to 20+ a day again. On Tuesday i bought a vape, something i never thought I’d do, and it seems to be helping, i am on the highest nicotine dose, but plan to reduce each time i buy more liquid. Fingers crossed!
My MS appointment is tomorrow. I’m anxious the Dr will say its not MS and ill be back to square one, I’m also anxious about how any medication will interfere with any potential future pregnancies. Lots of worries and questions to ask.
Today was Fathers Day, we took Mr Me for an amazing steak lunch and Little T got him a T-shirt and card.
Little T continues to delight us. He crawls as fast as a bullet out of a gun, is extremely well behaved, has mastered the ‘downward dog’ pose and his laugh is infectious. He loves chasing the cat, and loves us chasing him.
I love watching him, i just sit with a grin on my face, watching him eat, play with his toys, play with others. I absolutely adore him. Plus, he’s gorgeous. I just can’t believe how lucky i am to be his Mummy.
He is super close to talking too. He can say ‘uh-oh’ and ‘daddy’ with prompts. He understands SO much. His sleeping pattern is erratic at the moment, which usually coincides with a new skill so I’m thinking more words are coming, as he doesn’t seem overly keen on standing/walking!!
It was a perfect day. Exactly how i hoped it’d be. Although, I’m still in disbelief i have a one year old!!!
The holiday and the weekend did throw up some questions though
Do i really want another baby? Am i ready to IVF in September?
A friend brought me some of the meds ill need to IVF and it made me think. Do i really want to go through the emotional roller coaster that is IVF so soon?
I was talking to a friend on Monday, who has a friend who went through IVF and NEEDED a sibling. She felt she now knew, having had one, what she was missing out on and needed to do it again.
I don’t NEED a sibling. I love that i can focus all my energy on Little T. We have such fun together, bringing another baby into the situation would most definitely change the dynamic. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I’m not sure Little T is.
I feel as though, because we will be in Cyprus anyway, its the easy option to cycle again, but i don’t want it enough. I know we would MANAGE, people do, but I’m not sure i want to manage, i just want to enjoy my family as it is. The logistics scare me, shopping with a new born and a toddler, attending Little T’s groups, splitting my focus, the list goes on
Another friend said ”you’ve hit the jackpot, do you really want to gamble again”
Little T is so healthy, he didn’t get my asthma, or Mr Me’s blood condition. He’s a lovely baby, so social, so happy, so relaxed.
Right now, I’m thinking we won’t cycle, but, that means no closure. Whilst those frosties are over there, the journey isn’t over. There’s always the possibility of doing more cycles…i kinda want it over now. My life for the last however many years has been IVF-centric, and I’d like to end the chapter but the thought of destroying the embryos worries me, i may want a sibling in the future and i know i CANNOT do another fresh cycle.
Its a bloody dilemma. I think about this everyday, I’m anxious about making the right decision, worried Little T will be lonely if i don’t give him a sibling. I worry if i wait another couple of years, my health will fail, that ill be too tired to be pregnant again, too tired to go through sleepless nights, whilst also managing a toddler, it just goes round and round my head.
Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to leave it up to nature?!
We survived a whole year! And what a year its been!
He started crawling 3 weeks ago and is into everything, particularly the cats food and water! The cat is amazed that the small human is now mobile and is very wary of him. Lots of mad dashes past him and spending a lot of time outside!
Little T had his 12m check last week and passed everything with flying colours, except gross motor skills, hes a lazy boy, but im not worried, i didnt walk until i was 18m!
As a treat, we have come away to Majorca. Its our second day and im feeling ok. Monday though, whilst travelling, i was an anxious mess, shaking like a leaf most of the day.
I decided to pay for lounge access at the airport, absolutely the best idea ever. It was so calm, and free food and drink, including booze! Kept us away from the masses! I did take Ts sunscreen through security though, which was promptly taken off us as it was 200mls, doh!
The weather isnt boiling but its nice and i bought ‘The Fox Tan’ to help me tan, cant go home without a tan ha ha!
The hotel is geared up for families so thats a bonus, but when we arrived at 11.30pm Monday night, there was a party atmosphere. Little T even got his groove on!!
So, 1 whole year! Ive been a Mummy for a year and i can honestly say, i love it. Its everything i dreamed and more! Sure, there are days when he whinges all day, or doesnt sleep, and they are HARD but mostly hes the happiest baby on Earth!
The desperation. The hoping i won’t come on. The praying we get lucky.
Already! We don’t cycle til September and I’m already obsessed.
Ugh! This is what IVF does. It seeps into every corner of your life. Makes you crazy. Makes you feel inadequate.
Roll on September and i hope we get a BFP as i will not be cycling again. We plan to defrost all the embryos so there is no second attempt at a sibling. IVF has been part of our lives for 7 years and we NEED to move on.
I know its the right thing to do. I know I’m so lucky to have Little T. I also know ill be devastated if it doesn’t work. So between now and then, i need to prepare myself, so I’m not broken if it doesn’t work.
In the mean time, there’s the MS diagnosis to contend with. I’ve got many symptoms going on. It started with a numb tongue for 10 days. 2 weeks later my right side went numb for about 3 weeks.
Its progressed to:
Lack of control in right arm and leg
Fine motor skills encumbered, can’t butter toast, put a key in the lock, stir a cup of tea etcetera.
I’ve had a brain scan via MRI and I’m awaiting an appointment with a specialist. The symptoms seem to get worse with each ‘episode’ they progress quicker and last longer. I’ve had enough.
To top it all of off, my GP wants to review my anti depressants with a view to reducing them.
The appointment is next week and I’m anxious and scared. I’m not ready and i plan to tell him this and fight to stay on my current dose.
So, there’s a lot going on and I’m having some down days. I can’t even have a glass of wine as i can’t handle it, probably due to my rubbish brain, i just get stupidly drunk and make a fool of myself!
I have times where I’d love another little person to love
And then i think about how hard it’d be, having two
Then i think, do it sooner rather than later, get the lack of sleep, the nappies, the weaning out the way ASAP
And then i think of how hard that’d be logistically.
Would i even get pregnant again? Would it be as terrifying as last time?
Would the baby be healthy?!!!
Can i put Mr Me and my family through that?
I’m jealous of a bump, i miss the feeling of a baby moving, i miss feeling special, i miss growing life.
I don’t miss not being able to turn over, or being so big i can barely move, or having swollen feet/ankles/hands
Logistically, how do you food shop with a newborn and toddler? How do you attend groups with a babe in arms and (hopefully) one on the move? (Little T is still pretty stationary for now, and toothless i might add)
How would we raise the capital for IVF and then pay for a baby on one wage?
Will Little T be lonely as an only child? Am i thinking about a second because it seems like that’s the socially acceptable thing to do?
When people go into labour, i envy them. Despite it being the most painful thing EVER and the recovery being horrendous, the memory is becoming a sweet one, i see now how women convince themselves it wasn’t as bad as they thought.
I like having spare bedrooms, and i worry the kids would fight endlessly and i wouldn’t cope.
But i think about having another daily. Sometimes i think it’d be great, other days i have a near on panic attack.
Is there a good age gap? Is going from 1 to 2 as hard as they say?