6 months today!!! Flown by. Although in those first few weeks i didnt think we would make it.
Little T is an absolute delight these days. Except when he is teething and/or stays up late. Which is a lot at the moment. But its fine because mostly he is awesome
I still worry EVERY morning that he has died in his sleep (he is in his own room). I wake up and lie there waiting for him to make a noise, im too scared to go in first in case i find him lifeless. I remind myself daily that he is fine but im not sure ill ever stop feeling this way.
During the day though, we are having the best fun together. We have 4 classes a week and my anxiety about attending new ones is virtually zero.
Support network is set up, and brilliant.
We start weaning at the weekend. We are going with baby led. Im nervous and i dont know why. Perhaps because i have had such a strange relationship with food. Perhaps because its a sign time is flying past. Whatever it is, im fully kitted out now, and the veg is bought so i just need to take the plunge.
Changing tac slightly…
I had my 1st really down day yesterday. Id forgotten how low i could feel. It was preceeded by an anxiety attack the night before. It was a shock. I felt tearful all day. Its passed now but it was a stark reminder of why i take my meds.
Im currently having a kid free shop, its weird and i miss him. But its been nice to eat a sandwich slowly and drink a warm cup of tea. Haha
Little T isnt well. He started off snuffly and now has a hacking/barking cough and a cold.
I passed him my cold. Im wracked with guilt and shattered as im not sleeping. Im worried hes going to die. I can hear mucus on his chest but hes not coughing it up. Im worried he will drown. Which i know is stupid but im a mess anyway.
Hes also moved into his own room this weekend. He had to. He was practically wearing the crib in our room. Hes taken really well to his big boy cot. Im actually shocked at how well given hes poorly.
Hes napping more as he is unwell, but has no temperature so i think its just a cold. Do i take him to the GP anyway?
He is eating but less than normal, probably as he is snuffly. Im giving him Calcough to coat his throat as it sounds a bit sore. Im running the shower and letting him breathe in the steam, what else can i do?
Its a minefield. I dont want to waste the GPs time but i dont want him to suffer. Am i worrying un-neccesarily?
I thinking of sleeping in the rocking chair so i can hear him breathing between coughs. Is that OTT? Will it make me more anxious?
When awake hes in good spirits, seems himself etc.
What do i do? Im not one for bothering the GP usually but im worried ill try to manage it and itll be a chest infection and ill put him at risk.
Its 1am and i needed to get it out. I might get some sleep now. I saw 1am, twice, last night, stupid clocks going back.
Yesterday was #worldmentalhealth day. A day where people are encouraged to talk about thier issues with mental health and everyone is reminded how dibilitating mental health problems can be, but how very normal it is too.
1 in 4 suffer with mental health problems and im one of them.
I suffer with depression (for which im medicated) and anxiety. Ironically, my anxiety was through the roof yesterday.
Im not sure what triggered it. Perhaps the lack of sleep ive been experiencing (due to insomnia, not Little T). In retrospect ive ‘not felt comfortable in my skin’ for the last 48hrs so i should have realised it would end in a full blown attack.
For me, the physical/visible symptoms consist of
Increased heart rate
Tensed muscles, particularly in my legs
The non physical/visible symptoms are
Questioning all my decisions, past and present
Thinking people are upset/angry with me
Not wanting to leave the house
Not wanting to be alone
Unable to communicate my feelings
Fearful of everyday activities
Little T is a great distraction. During the day im so focussed on him, there isnt time for my mind to wander, no time to question or doubt my decisions. Then he goes to bed and the anxiety monster rears its head.
Ive been averaging 4hours sleep the last few weeks which has taken its toll, ive kept myself super busy during the day in order to ignore the warning signs, but yeaterday it caught up with me.
Im lucky, Mr Me is very unerstanding and supportive. He goes out of his way to make things easier for me when im suffering. Whether that be rearranging social events or just cuddling me and reminding me of my good qualities.
Im very open, ill happily tell somone about my mental health problems, if the opportunity arises. Sadly, in our society, that doesnt happen often. Its another taboo, something people dont want to admit to and that society doesnt want to hear.
It makes no sense. Its an illness. Same as a cough or cold. But as its not visible, people struggle to understand.
But its OK to talk, its time to break the stigma. These illnesses lead to sucicide or self harm, how can we not talk about that??
Days like yesterday are vital. Thing is, EVERY DAY should be mental health awareness day.
You never know what somone is feeling, what demon they are fighting, so be nice, always.
I come across as very confident, for example, but most days there is an internal war going on in my head. Some days are better, the meds help, but some days, like yesterday, it wins and i lose
Little T got his 1st cold and a cough. (Think im now getting the cold too!!!)
Luckily my Mum was here to keep me calm and Calpol was administered, Little T was OK and nothing awful happened! We even managed a trip to the pub.
Today, as he is nearly 16 weeks, we put Little T down upstairs for the 1st time.
Id put the baby monitor stuff away believing there was no way i could let him sleep in a different room to us. But here he is in the crib in our room…
Im managing, just. Its hard, seeing him on a screen rather than peering into his moses basket but i think its for the best. We both have to get used to it. Ive managed not to put the sensor mat on too, but only because i can see him breathing on screen!!
And he is fine. He went to sleep after half an hour and a few pop ins from Mr Me and I. He is non the wiser, away in dreamland!
I went back to counselling this week. Mr Me made the referral when i was struggling. In the hour i was there, i managed to cover the time from his birth to my struggles to feeling better.
Over the course of this week ive realised my next session will be my last. I dont need that level of support anymore. I know how to manage my issues now. I can self analyse, know what will make me anxious and why and how to cope with that.
I know ill probably need to be medicated for depression for most of my life but im ok with that. Im ok to admit that i suffer with anxiety and depression, the same way i suffer with and am medicated for asthma. Its just part of my life. Im at peace with that.
Actually, im happy. Im happy i finally have my baby, happy that, despite all the crap, Mr Me and I made it. Happy im a mummy, a wife, a friend.
Worry, sleep deprivation and self doubt are creeping away. Little T is nearly 12 weeks old (oh my god i have a 3 month old) and hes thriving (now that hes being treated for reflux)
Now i get more than 2 hours sleep a night, im more rational, more confident. In the last couple of weeks we have settled into a nice routine.
Ive joined more classes, i spend more time just enjoying Little T and watching him learn and develop. I no longer constantly hold myself up to the impossible standard i set myself.
I now love being his mummy. Now that ive stopped worrying about losing myself, ive found my feet. Im still me, still put my make up on, do my nails when i can, go out with my friends, spend quality time with Mr Me. Im me AND a mummy.
Now i know why we fought so hard for so long, now i know i was right to want this so much.
Ive stopped caring if i get all the washing done, stopped worrying about keeping on top of the housework. It gets done. Not today though. Today ive spent all day snuggling, because he needed me, and i needed him. There wont always be days where we can just snuggle so these days are special.
I have the feels. All the feels. Im besotted, hes amazing, i cant remember life without him
But it took 8 weeks. 8 weeks to admit i loved him, 8 weeks to allow myself those feelings. To be honest im still cautious but my heart swells with his first smile of the day, regardless of my fear.
Infertility sucks on many levels. The months (years) of trying and failing. The agony of a period. The hoops to jump through en route to IVF, the hundreds of injections, watching all your friends have babies. People getting bored of your journey, the agony of IVF failures, of cancelled cycles, of feeling you are worth nothing as a woman. I could go on.
Basically its shit. And you know what, it continues to be shit even though i now have my very own mini human. Why? Because it hindered the love…it took so long for Little T to feel like mine, rather than me looking after someone elses baby. I was waiting for the bubble to burst. A small part of me still is and always will be, i guess.
Im still jealous of the fertile people, they decide to get pregnant and within months, are. No military planning, no saving thousands of pounds. Just happens or a little cycle observation and bam, preggers.
I still envy a bump. Stare in awe. Wish i could do it without investing time and money. Its silly, but true.
Baby loss literally built a wall around my heart. A wall im still chipping away at. Losing 2 children, 2 (IVF) babies, is soul destroying. It messes you up in so many ways. Ways i thought id dealt with. Then Little T came along and i realised i was messed up in ways i didnt imagine.
For weeks i thought i would lose him. That he would die. Thats what my babies did, they died. I was beyond terrified to love this tiny human in case he left me. I couldnt contemplate another loss. I just knew it would break me. So i kept Little T at arms length. Worried that loving him would mean losing him.
That fear consumed me. For so many weeks. Until the fear of seeing my baby, my offspring, in pain. The 8 week immunisations. Thank god for them, not only for the protection they offer but for opening my heart.
Feeling guarded, not loving my child. Shameful? Not at all. Just the way things are after the hand id been dealt. I will always admit to these feelings, ill never regret what ive been through. I truly am a better person for it. Never did i think itd extend this far into my life though…
This week has been a good one. I went to my 1st group (Hartbeeps, thanks for the recomendation). Little T was more interested in having a feed for most of it but i found it fun and interesting so will go back next week.
Little T had his 8 week jabs. And thats when it happened. I realised how much i love that little boy. Even before we got into the surgery i felt on the verge of tears, i was so upset that he was going to suffer. He on the other hand, was very brave. Im very proud but seeing the plasters on his chunky legs is heartbreaking
He does seem to enjoy the calpol afterwards though. And hes given me a fair few smiles since so i think im forgiven.
I told Mr Me that i realised i loved Little T and he laughed and told me he knew i did but also knew how scary that is. Its a sad affair when it takes your child being physically harmed for you to realise you love them but at least im there now and can start to enjoy being his Mum.
Also met up with the NCT ladies again this week. Such a lovely bunch with such lovely babies. So nice to get together to swap tips and war stories, have a natter with people that really get it. Im glad i have them in my life.
Ive also seen my work colleagues so ive been very social this week. Of course that means im fairly shattered now!!!!
I havent been to a baby group this week. I found a perfect one on Tuesday afternoon but talked myself out of it. They advised bringing a water nappy for the baby and i told myself Little T was too young for water play.
That was a lie.
I wasnt brave enough.
I did tell the GP last week i was struggling and have upped my antidepressants to my pre IVF level. Im yet to feel the benefit but it takes time and im back at the GP for monitoring next week.
I thought id go back to counselling. Mr Me made the call as i couldnt but ive lost my place due to non attendance (i missed 5 weeks = 2 sessions). So im back on the waiting list. My GP did say she could make a referral too, i wanted continuity but perhaps time is of the essence so i think ill explain the situation to her next week and see what she thinks.
Like 75% of women im suffering with post natal depression. Its no surprise and i kinda expected it. Its hard though. Its taken the form of struggling to love Little T and feeling fat and low.
I know why im struggling to love Little T.
Im terrified he will be taken away. I feel like ive moved on from the SIDS fear. I sometimes forget to put the sensor mat on, so my fear is definitely lessening but i cant let my guard down.
Hes a beautiful little boy, he looks at me with such adoration and his smile…wow. I would do anything for him, id never hurt him. Im just too scared to love him. And thats so sad.
To fix that i need to talk. And im trying to sort that.
Weight. Im huge. Im techinically overweight according to BMI too. NEVER EVER THOUGHT ID BE OVERWEIGHT. Ok so im a size 14 bottom and 12 top. I can manage the 12, kind of. But the 14? From a size 6. Nope. I hate my tummy. Hate it. I KNOW its only been 7 weeks but the thought of being this big for the foreseeable? Nah. I have 7 items of clothing ive bought new, everything else is too fecking small and its contributing to my low mood.
Mr Me suggested joining one of the weight loss mummy groups. And thats great except my anxiety is in too much control to let me yet. Plus i have nothing to wear. 😉
Depression and anxiety is a vicious cycle. Depression is worse for me when im on my own with no adult stimulation. I need to meet other Mummies ASAP. Anxiety stops me going out to meet new people. It does look like ill get to see more of the NCT ladies now though, we met at L’s house for tea yesterday and said we would keep meeting up so fingers crossed thatll happen. Its nice to meet them as we all have the same parenting struggles and its nice to feel we are not alone. No one wants to feel alone.
So yeah, thats where im at. Struggling but working on it.
There have been a number of firsts over the last few weeks. Some good and some not so good.
Little T smiled for the 1st time…at the GP. She had literally just asked if he was smiling yet, i said only windy smiles for him to smile at her!!!!! Since then we have managed to see a few more smiles but none caught on camera and ive no idea what made him smile so cant replicate it!!!
Im on my period for the first time in 10 months. Although not painful it is heavy, and long. Im used to 2 days of fresh blood and a few days spotting. Today is day 5 of fresh red blood!!! Been through a pack of sani pads and onto my 2nd since Saturday. This better not be a sign of things to come as im not a fan.
Mr Me and I went on our 1st date night since Little Ts arrival. We spent 90% of it talking about Little T but the other 10% we were just us. Not parents. Just a married couple, in their 30s, drinking cocktails. That time as a couple was so valuable, so needed. For weeks we had barely seen each other, let alone had a conversation so to sit and eat and just talk was wonderful. It was actually kinda hard to go home as the cocktails were going down so nicely!
This week was the 1st time ive admitted to a health professional im struggling a bit. The health visitor asked about meds and i said i was thinking of upping my antidepressants. Im not super low or anything but im quite anxious. Plus ive never done well in my own company and as much as i try to get out, im on my own with the baby. The HV gave me details of a group for Mums who are struggling and i really need to contact my counsellor but i cant seem to do it. My self confidence is beginning to drop, im anxious about walking into a group on my own!!!
Im finding it hard due to the pressure i feel. Which is self inflicted. I feel like i need to manage being a Mum beautifully. With no hiccups. After all ive waited 8 years for this, it should be everything ive ever wanted. And it is. But its also sooooooo different to the picture i had in my mind. Im happy to tell others how well they are doing despite sleep deprivation etc. But cant take my own advice, ever.
I worry im missing subtle clues, that my baby is in distress and i dont know. I look at the online baby group and then come off it again as its overwhelming. I really worry im not doing enough with Little T, that hes bored or that im not stimulating him in the right way. He goes on his tummy once a day on his gym and listens to songs and we show him toys of various colours and textures….is that enough???
There are times ive wondered why i yearned for this, times ive wondered if im cut out for it, times ive wondered why ive inflicted this on myself and Mr Me. But then Little T looks at me with those big eyes and its all worth it or i see Mr Me and Little T together and know its absolutely worth it.
Right now id do anything for 8 hours sleep, a warm meal and a full body massage. Carrying about my 9lb+ son is not good for my back!!
Speaking of my body, ive not lost an ounce of weight in weeks. Its starting to get to me. Im on my feet a lot and barely have time to eat so how am i not losing weight??? I have about 4 outfits that look OK so its kinda like being pregnant and wearing the same outfits over and over again!!! I need to join baby gym really, but as above, im nervous!
We moved house!!!! It wasnt plain sailing, we completed late in the day due to my buyers money going missing when it was transferred to us. This caused a few hours delay which then upset the removal people and stressed out Mr Me.
I on the otherhand, had a lovely time at my pedicure, buying paint and having lunch with my Mum.
Around 3.30pm we got the call to say all monies had transferred and we were able to collect keys. Cats were bundled into boxes and i took them, with Mum to get the keys then on to the new house. From then on it was plainer sailing thankfully.
Despite doing as little as possible, i was flat out exhausted for 2 days following the move. I ached all over, was exhausted but struggled to sleep. We missed dinner with our NCT friends as i just didnt have the energy.
Having said all that, it was TOTALLY worth it. I LOVE my new house, the area, everything. Im so so pleased we moved before baby arrived as despite only being here 5 days, 3 of the 4 rooms that need decorating are done and everything should be in place by next weekend before my induction.
This is largely thanks to M the decorator, J, my Mum and Bro and L, Mr Me’s Mum. Everyone has really pulled together to get things unpacked, boxes taken away to the tip and to make the house liveable. I couldnt be more grateful. I have found it quite frustrating that i cant help as much as id like to, but at 8 months gone, its difficult to sit up on my own, never mind unpack a box!!
I MADE IT TO FULL TERM!!!!!!!!
Yesterday marked 37 weeks of pregnancy. I dont think i ever thought we would get to this point, but here i am sporting a rather large bump with a fully cooked baby inside. OMG
As thrilled as i am, im also so done with being pregnant now. Hats off to ladies who make it to 40 weeks and beyond, i dont know how they do it. Im tired of needing help to sit up, to stand, of my feet being so swollen they dont in fit any shoes. Im tired of waddling, of peeing all the time, of aching after 5 minutes of activity. Im sick of worrying about whether he is moving enough, of not being able to bend my fingers without being in pain, of my clothes not fitting.
Im ready to meet him, to know hes safe, to be a Mummy. Ive 6 days to go until we start induction but i know those 6 days are going to be a lifetime. Dont get me wrong, im hugely grateful to have reached this point, i just want him here in my arms and my body back.
I felt the need to get organised yesterday as a distraction, so a few baby things were built
I do feel better having a few items assesmbled but conversely, worry im tempting fate. Even at this late stage i do see it as 6 days in which things can go wrong. Which is sad and another reason i want him here, in the world, where i can keep an eye on him
After a little practice with the pram, ive collapsed it and stored it, just in case, old wives tale, but its bad luck to have wheels in the house before baby arrives.
The lounge however is looking very family like with moses basket and swing in situ. Mr Me and I were marvelling at how far we have come last night. Its been a LONG 8 years, but we’ve nearly made it.