Tag: baby blues

Its all starting to make sense

Its all starting to make sense

I went back to counselling this week. Mr Me made the referral when i was struggling. In the hour i was there, i managed to cover the time from his birth to my struggles to feeling better.

Over the course of this week ive realised my next session will be my last. I dont need that level of support anymore. I know how to manage my issues now. I can self analyse, know what will make me anxious and why and how to cope with that.

I know ill probably need to be medicated for depression for most of my life but im ok with that. Im ok to admit that i suffer with anxiety and depression, the same way i suffer with and am medicated for asthma. Its just part of my life. Im at peace with that.

Actually, im happy. Im happy i finally have my baby, happy that, despite all the crap, Mr Me and I made it. Happy im a mummy, a wife, a friend.

Worry, sleep deprivation and self doubt are creeping away. Little T is nearly 12 weeks old (oh my god i have a 3 month old) and hes thriving (now that hes being treated for reflux) 

Now i get more than 2 hours sleep a night, im more rational, more confident. In the last couple of weeks we have settled into a nice routine. 

Ive joined more classes, i spend more time just enjoying Little T and watching him learn and develop. I no longer constantly hold myself up to the impossible standard i set myself.

I now love being his mummy. Now that ive stopped worrying about losing myself, ive found my feet. Im still me, still put my make up on, do my nails when i can, go out with my friends, spend quality time with Mr Me. Im me AND a mummy. 

Now i know why we fought so hard for so long, now i know i was right to want this so much.

Ive stopped caring if i get all the washing done, stopped worrying about keeping on top of the housework. It gets done. Not today though. Today ive spent all day snuggling, because he needed me, and i needed him. There wont always be days where we can just snuggle so these days are special.

My family is special. And i love being a mummy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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Hormones….or something else?

Hormones….or something else?

Little T is 4 weeks old tomorrow. 4 weeks!!!! 

Our lives have totally changed in those 4 weeks. Absolutely for the better. 8 years of graft, hope, hurt and tears have come to fruition and we have created a beautiful little person. Who, as i type, is screaming and has done, on and off, for 3 hours after being a dream in front of people all day.

He is worth the sleep deprivation, the pain, the piles 🤢, and i wouldnt change him for the world.

But today i realised something. Im struggling with jealousy.

There have been a couple of pregnancy announcements in the last few days, and despite having a 4 week old, im jealous. Its the same old story, i cant just make a baby, need to plan a trip abroad blah blah. And its not that im not happy with my baby, it just reminds me of what i cant do and that i may never give Little T a sibling.

Im also jealous of Mr Me. He is totally 100% in love with Little T. He told me how he aches for him when hes at work. Im not there yet, yeah ok, im with him 19+ hrs a day so dont really have chance to miss him yet (although i did today, despite being in his presence, Mr Me or our friends had hold of Little T all day and i did miss cuddles, of course as soon as i get chance for cuddles, he gets grouchy. Go figure) but i feel inadequate. Despite knowing its pretty normal, i feel like im failing as a Mum/Parent. Id do anything for the little guy, id protect him to the end of time and he only has to squeal and im there, but im not IN love. Not yet. And i feel like i should be. I do love him. Especially when he looks like this…

The other thing ive realised is that im jealous that Mr Me loves Little T, so much

Dont get me wrong, its exactly as it should be, but he now looks at the baby the way he used to look at me. His focus is split between us, again, as it should be, but i miss the attention

Mr Me is my best friend, its been him and me against the world for 13 years. We have been through the WORST of times together and always come out the other side stronger. Now here we are going through the BEST of times and i feel like hes slipping away. I think most of these feelings can be blamed on sleep deprivation, everything is magnified when you are tired. In the past 4 weeks, Mr Me and I have gone to bed at the same time, twice. One of those times was last night. He didnt kiss me as we settled down. Simply due to being exhausted, nothing was meant by it. But it broke my heart. I couldnt sleep. I felt a massive sense of forboding. I cant explain why.

We have talked about this briefly. Mr Me has assured me he loves me just as much as he did 4 weeks ago, and that we both have enough love for each other to love another person. We both agree we have no idea how to deal with this but that we will. I feel pathetic. Jealous of my husband loving our son, i mean, really? Isnt this typically how the partner feels? Not the mother? 

As i say its partly about how in love with Little T he is, and im just not, yet and partly because i feel him slipping away. Whatever it is its making me teary. The ice queen is melting. Mr Me worries its the start of PND which i think scares him a lot. I think its maybe delayed baby blues? Ill mention it to a health professional at my next appointment but perhaps i just need to draft in a Grandma so we can go out for a few hours as a couple and not as parents. I just didnt think id be feeling this way 4 weeks in

I sound so bitter and ungrateful. Im truly not. Im just adjusting to no sleep, less food, Mr Me and I being ships that pass in the night and caring for a newborn

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx