Tag: baby groups

Its all starting to make sense

Its all starting to make sense

I went back to counselling this week. Mr Me made the referral when i was struggling. In the hour i was there, i managed to cover the time from his birth to my struggles to feeling better.

Over the course of this week ive realised my next session will be my last. I dont need that level of support anymore. I know how to manage my issues now. I can self analyse, know what will make me anxious and why and how to cope with that.

I know ill probably need to be medicated for depression for most of my life but im ok with that. Im ok to admit that i suffer with anxiety and depression, the same way i suffer with and am medicated for asthma. Its just part of my life. Im at peace with that.

Actually, im happy. Im happy i finally have my baby, happy that, despite all the crap, Mr Me and I made it. Happy im a mummy, a wife, a friend.

Worry, sleep deprivation and self doubt are creeping away. Little T is nearly 12 weeks old (oh my god i have a 3 month old) and hes thriving (now that hes being treated for reflux) 

Now i get more than 2 hours sleep a night, im more rational, more confident. In the last couple of weeks we have settled into a nice routine. 

Ive joined more classes, i spend more time just enjoying Little T and watching him learn and develop. I no longer constantly hold myself up to the impossible standard i set myself.

I now love being his mummy. Now that ive stopped worrying about losing myself, ive found my feet. Im still me, still put my make up on, do my nails when i can, go out with my friends, spend quality time with Mr Me. Im me AND a mummy. 

Now i know why we fought so hard for so long, now i know i was right to want this so much.

Ive stopped caring if i get all the washing done, stopped worrying about keeping on top of the housework. It gets done. Not today though. Today ive spent all day snuggling, because he needed me, and i needed him. There wont always be days where we can just snuggle so these days are special.

My family is special. And i love being a mummy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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PND

PND

I havent been to a baby group this week. I found a perfect one on Tuesday afternoon but talked myself out of it. They advised bringing a water nappy for the baby and i told myself Little T was too young for water play.

That was a lie.

I wasnt brave enough.

I did tell the GP last week i was struggling and have upped my antidepressants to my pre IVF level. Im yet to feel the benefit but it takes time and im back at the GP for monitoring next week.

I thought id go back to counselling. Mr Me made the call as i couldnt but ive lost my place due to non attendance (i missed 5 weeks = 2 sessions). So im back on the waiting list. My GP did say she could make a referral too, i wanted continuity but perhaps time is of the essence so i think ill explain the situation to her next week and see what she thinks.

Like 75% of women im suffering with post natal depression. Its no surprise and i kinda expected it. Its hard though. Its taken the form of struggling to love Little T and feeling fat and low. 

I know why im struggling to love Little T.

Im scared.

Im terrified he will be taken away. I feel like ive moved on from the SIDS fear. I sometimes forget to put the sensor mat on, so my fear is definitely lessening but i cant let my guard down.

Hes a beautiful little boy, he looks at me with such adoration and his smile…wow. I would do anything for him, id never hurt him. Im just too scared to love him. And thats so sad. 

Look at that smile!!!

To fix that i need to talk. And im trying to sort that.

Weight. Im huge. Im techinically overweight according to BMI too. NEVER EVER THOUGHT ID BE OVERWEIGHT. Ok so im a size 14 bottom and 12 top. I can manage the 12, kind of. But the 14? From a size 6. Nope. I hate my tummy. Hate it. I KNOW its only been 7 weeks but the thought of being this big for the foreseeable? Nah. I have 7 items of clothing ive bought new, everything else is too fecking small and its contributing to my low mood.

Mr Me suggested joining one of the weight loss mummy groups. And thats great except my anxiety is in too much control to let me yet. Plus i have nothing to wear. 😉

Depression and anxiety is a vicious cycle. Depression is worse for me when im on my own with no adult stimulation. I need to meet other Mummies ASAP. Anxiety stops me going out to meet new people. It does look like ill get to see more of the NCT ladies now though, we met at L’s house for tea yesterday and said we would keep meeting up so fingers crossed thatll happen. Its nice to meet them as we all have the same parenting struggles and its nice to feel we are not alone. No one wants to feel alone.

So yeah, thats where im at. Struggling but working on it.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Firsts

Firsts

There have been a number of firsts over the last few weeks. Some good and some not so good.

Little T smiled for the 1st time…at the GP. She had literally just asked if he was smiling yet, i said only windy smiles for him to smile at her!!!!! Since then we have managed to see a few more smiles but none caught on camera and ive no idea what made him smile so cant replicate it!!! 

Im on my period for the first time in 10 months. Although not painful it is heavy, and long. Im used to 2 days of fresh blood and a few days spotting. Today is day 5 of fresh red blood!!! Been through a pack of sani pads and onto my 2nd since Saturday. This better not be a sign of things to come as im not a fan. 

Mr Me and I went on our 1st date night since Little Ts arrival. We spent 90% of it talking about Little T but the other 10% we were just us. Not parents. Just a married couple, in their 30s, drinking cocktails. That time as a couple was so valuable, so needed. For weeks we had barely seen each other, let alone had a conversation so to sit and eat and just talk was wonderful. It was actually kinda hard to go home as the cocktails were going down so nicely! 

This week was the 1st time ive admitted to a health professional im struggling a bit. The health visitor asked about meds and i said i was thinking of upping my antidepressants. Im not super low or anything but im quite anxious. Plus ive never done well in my own company and as much as i try to get out, im on my own with the baby. The HV gave me details of a group for Mums who are struggling and i really need to contact my counsellor but i cant seem to do it. My self confidence is beginning to drop, im anxious about walking into a group on my own!!! 

Im finding it hard due to the pressure i feel. Which is self inflicted. I feel like i need to manage being a Mum beautifully. With no hiccups. After all ive waited 8 years for this, it should be everything ive ever wanted. And it is. But its also sooooooo different to the picture i had in my mind. Im happy to tell others how well they are doing despite sleep deprivation etc. But cant take my own advice, ever. 

I worry im missing subtle clues, that my baby is in distress and i dont know. I look at the online baby group and then come off it again as its overwhelming. I really worry im not doing enough with Little T, that hes bored or that im not stimulating him in the right way. He goes on his tummy once a day on his gym and listens to songs and we show him toys of various colours and textures….is that enough??? 

There are times ive wondered why i yearned for this, times ive wondered if im cut out for it, times ive wondered why ive inflicted this on myself and Mr Me. But then Little T looks at me with those big eyes and its all worth it or i see Mr Me and Little T together and know its absolutely worth it.

Right now id do anything for 8 hours sleep, a warm meal and a full body massage. Carrying about my 9lb+ son is not good for my back!! 

Speaking of my body, ive not lost an ounce of weight in weeks. Its starting to get to me. Im on my feet a lot and barely have time to eat so how am i not losing weight??? I have about 4 outfits that look OK so its kinda like being pregnant and wearing the same outfits over and over again!!! I need to join baby gym really, but as above, im nervous! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx