Tag: baby loss

Loving him is hard because….

Loving him is hard because….

I have the feels. All the feels. Im besotted, hes amazing, i cant remember life without him

But it took 8 weeks. 8 weeks to admit i loved him, 8 weeks to allow myself those feelings. To be honest im still cautious but my heart swells with his first smile of the day, regardless of my fear.

Infertility sucks on many levels. The months (years) of trying and failing. The agony of a period. The hoops to jump through en route to IVF, the hundreds of injections, watching all your friends have babies. People getting bored of your journey, the agony of IVF failures, of cancelled cycles, of feeling you are worth nothing as a woman. I could go on. 

Basically its shit. And you know what, it continues to be shit even though i now have my very own mini human. Why? Because it hindered the love…it took so long for Little T to feel like mine, rather than me looking after someone elses baby. I was waiting for the bubble to burst. A small part of me still is and always will be, i guess.

Im still jealous of the fertile people, they decide to get pregnant and within months, are. No military planning, no saving thousands of pounds. Just happens or a little cycle observation and bam, preggers.

I still envy a bump. Stare in awe. Wish i could do it without investing time and money. Its silly, but true.

Baby loss literally built a wall around my heart. A wall im still chipping away at. Losing 2 children, 2 (IVF) babies, is soul destroying. It messes you up in so many ways. Ways i thought id dealt with. Then Little T came along and i realised i was messed up in ways i didnt imagine. 

For weeks i thought i would lose him. That he would die. Thats what my babies did, they died. I was beyond terrified to love this tiny human in case he left me. I couldnt contemplate another loss. I just knew it would break me. So i kept Little T at arms length. Worried that loving him would mean losing him. 

That fear consumed me. For so many weeks. Until the fear of seeing my baby, my offspring, in pain. The 8 week immunisations. Thank god for them, not only for the protection they offer but for opening my heart.

Feeling guarded, not loving my child. Shameful? Not at all. Just the way things are after the hand id been dealt. I will always admit to these feelings, ill never regret what ive been through. I truly am a better person for it. Never did i think itd extend this far into my life though…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

PS heres a cute pic of Little T

Things that make me go, WOW

Things that make me go, WOW

Ive sounded very doom and gloom since Little T was born. Honestly i am enjoying motherhood, its just very different to what i expected and has literally changed everything. People tell you it changes everything but you dont really understand until it happens!!

But its all worth it…

When he fixes on me with his massive eyes, im transfixed, i cant look away, i can see him studying my face, know he knows that hes safe and wanted with me. My Mum says it his ‘look of love’

When he grabs my finger, my top, my skin, even with his razor sharp nails. Its like he holds onto me for security. I make him feel safe. So does a muslin mind you, but you know. I like to see him grab anything, i have a proud parent moment

When he burps/farts/poos im reassured that his little body is working properly and i marvel at the fact that Mr Me and I (and Team Miracle) made this perfect little human

When he smiles, i melt. I know its only wind at this point but hes got an amazing smile.

When he pouts, i melt. I dunno who taught him to pout but its perfect!!

When he makes random happy sounds, its like hes telling me something, like how the side of his pram really is super interesting. Without fail ill make up a conversation between him and i and often outloud, much to the amusement of onlookers

When i look at his face and see my mouth and eyes, his Daddys hands and forehead and chin, it reminds me of how much Mr Me and I love each other and how hard we worked to make this amazing little human

When people stop me and tell me what a gorgeous boy he is and how much they like his name, im so proud that hes mine.

Its all worth it. All of it.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

He’s still here!

He’s still here!

He hasnt been taken off us, nothing bad has happened. Little T is still here. And it still hasnt sunk in!!

My breastfeeding guilt is fading fast now as my supply has gone. Its reassuring to know that when im in my lavender bath soothing my sore bits, and he stirs, Mr Me can take over.

There is more control with a bottle too, i know exactly how much he is taking which plays into my control freak personality perfectly.

Apparantly he is still a bit Jaundice meaning he has been referred to the prolonged jaundice clinic tomorrow. Mr Me and I then had a #badparentmoment where we questioned what we did wrong. 2 hours later the midwife came round and said the health visotor who referred him was being overly cautious. To me he looks whiter than ever and his eyes are less yellow today than yesterday too. Ill keep him in daylight as much as possible today but with plenty of wet and dirty nappies going on im really hoping we get discharged at his appointment tomorrow.

Im not the parent i thought id be. I thought id freak out the minute he squeaked but i dont, im calm even when hes really shouting and ive impressed myself. 

My fear of SIDS is lessening. It never actually crippled me as much as i thought it would. The sensor pad is a massive reassurance and as im awake 22 hours of the day anyway….

I jest, im getting better with sleeping. I can crash in the afternoon when hes asleep in his moses basket sometimes and Mr Me and I are taking the nights in shifts so we both get a few hours of good sleep each.

The sleep deprivation is getting easier to manage now too. My pain is subsiding which is allowing me to relax more, and i can drive again!!!!! This really helps with my anxiety as i love to drive and it gives me a huge sense of control. Im a terrible passenger and i think Mr Me is secretly glad i can drive myself about again too.

We, as a 3, have been fairly busy. Little T had 3 photoshoots last week (meant to be 2 but was wide awake for one of them so had to go back) and weve also been out to the pub twice and to the Trafford Centre. Going to the TC was a massive thing for me. For years ive watched new Mums push their babies around in gleaming prams and wondered if itd ever be me. And then it was and it made me so proud.

I am very proud and very protective of Little T. I think hes amazing and i stare at him for hours without realising. When he fixes on me with his big eyes and i talk to him, its wonderful. But still no rush of love so to speak. Ive no doubt itll come though, the instincts are there, i just need to get over my fear that something will take him away from us. It is lessening day by day i think but after 8 years there is a lot to wade through before reaching the other side.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Scan, baby shower and sleep!Β 

Scan, baby shower and sleep!Β 

Well its been quite a week. Im fact the next few weeks will be hugely busy, more so if we get to move house!!! 

We had our first NCT class on Wednesday. It was actually really informative and nice to do something ‘normal’. For us, planning a labour is weird! Im used to turning up, going through it blind and going home empty handed, so to actually learn about the different stages of labour, what Mr Me can do to be a part of it etc. is fascinating.

The 1st session was getting to know each other and what we want out of the course really but we did learn about the different hormones involved, how its best to be in a darkened room and not be on my back for delivery. I now have something to actually put in my birth plan!!! 

Thursday was hospital day…another growth scan. Had a good chat with my midwife prior, how ive been feeling mentally and physically. I have been more anxious but it appears to be normal First Time Mum (FTM) worries, woohoo! I did forget to mention my heart palpatations and suspected Carpel Tunnel Syndrome though so must remember at my next appointment.

The scan went well, the little dude is head down, measuring well and is now estimated to weigh 4lb 3oz. Thats a 1lb 2oz growth in 3 weeks!!! 🀀🀀

During the scan i was asked how i would feel about being induced at 38 weeks, i said thatd be fine, awesome in fact, so im booked to go in at 38 weeks exactly…6 weeks from now! 

On Friday i was meant to see Russell Howard live but sadly i had to leave work early as i felt really poorly. No energy, sleepy, achey, just off. I came home and ended up sleeping a lot. We had booked Russell Howard as a consolation prize last year in case we werent pregnant. I was gutted for Mr Me as it was a gift for him but he reminded me of the above and said he didnt mind. I really couldnt have made it. 

After a good sleep, i did feel a bit better for Saturday. I was up early to have my hair done whilst the house was prepped for my very own baby shower.

I honestly didnt think id ever get to have my own shower. My Mum and Mr Me did a wonderful job decorating

And J did some amazing cupcakes 

I was and am so very grateful for all the effort that was put in. 

LOADS of people turned up, it was fantastic, people id not seen in a long time. And the gifts, wow.

An example of the effort put in to the gifts

I truly was humbled by the effort people had gone to. There is so much love toward the little dude, Mr Me and I, it was spectacular. 

My mum carefully packed my beautiful gifts away for me so they dont get damaged during the housemove.

Speaking of, im really really hoping we get a date for the move this week. 6 weeks to the birth really isnt a long time and i want my house in order before he arrives. We will start applying pressure to our buyer this week, hes had more time than us and is weeks behind.

By the end of the shower i was pretty shattered, but had time for a quick pic

Mr Me and I with S, Mr Me’s cousin.

S is a fairly big You Tube star and has included our baby shower in her family’s latest vlog

Give it a view, they are such a lovely family!! 

I woke up this morning absolutely worn out again. I think its my anaemia combined with being 32 weeks pregnant. But oh my its wiping me out.

Only 6 more shifts before i finish for mat leave, my body needs the rest i can tell you. Today, little dude has discovered a new trick. Kicking the hell out of some nerve on my right side. Its stop me in my tracks agony. Dont get me wrong, its great to know hes OK in there, but OUCH!!! Another new development this week…CANKLES

So, 6 weeks to go, lots to do but more to be grateful for

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

A subdued Mothers Day.

A subdued Mothers Day.

Happy Mothers Day to all the Mummies, Mummies to be and Angel Mummies out there πŸ’πŸŒΉπŸ₯€πŸŒΊπŸŒ»πŸŒΌ

Today also happens to be Millie’s 2nd anniversary which did put a dampner on the day.

Ill be honest. I dont see myself as a Mummy yet. Ive given birth but havent had anyone to Mother yet so i find today a bit weird. Mr Me let slip yesterday that he had bought me a gift from bump…

I explained that i wasnt comfortable with celebrating Mothers Day without a child to actually parent. Im also slightly worried about jinxing our current pregnancy. Which is silly i know, but im still waiting for things to go wrong. Even this close to the end.

I visited my Mum today though and we stayed at her house, chatting and looking at baby clothes online. I seem to freak out less looking online, not that i bought anything though. πŸ™ˆ

Ive finally resolved to start using my hospital due date which is a day ahead of my IVF due date. This means that today im 33weeks and 1day or 33+1. The little dude could be here in the next 7 weeks. OMG. 🀀😲

Excuse the roll of chub on my back…im 3lbs off a 4 stone weight gain now so definitley a chub chubster.

This week marks the start of a very busy period! I have my first NCT (antenatal) class on Wednesday, another growth scan on Thursday, im seeing Russell Howard on Friday and its my first Baby Shower on Saturday.

The house buying is coming along. The searches on the new house threw up a few queries so we are looking to get those answered. Our buyer has finally had his valuation done so should be able to progress with more speed. Hopefully, we are still on track to move mid-late April. I seriously hope its not pushed back as that would result in me being dangerously close to giving birth and not having everything i want in place!!!! 

Fingers crossed.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

3 years…

3 years…

Today marks 3 years since we lost Milo. After a 36 hour labour he was born sleeping on this day in 2014.

Im ok. Im aware of what today is. Ive been aware since 1st March. I hate March. 

Im more anxious i think, im constantly willing the little dude to move today. Ive planned distractions but i cant deny my anxiety is up to a 7 roughly.

Time is a great healer. I wont deny. The gaping hole he left is now much more manageable. I still miss him. Still wonder about him. 

But im a pragmatist. I try so hard to think about the future and focus on what is good. Things are really good, 29 weeks pregnant, and buying a beautiful house.

Life isnt fair, what we have been through has been horrific but it was crumble or survive, and human nature pushes for survival.

Ive already been out and about today and seen a lovely rainbow despite it not raining. Im trying to find reassurance in that rainbow, but im worrying overly about the little dude.

So….29 weeks!!! Oh my word. Im shocked im still pregnant. The 3rd trimester is just so alien to me. As im currently ahead of the game in regards to the house move, and baby showers, i do focus more on the pregnancy which is anxiety inducing. 

Im looking forward to the end of March as i start antenatal classes, my baby showers are in early April, we will hopefully move mid/late April, all of which will stop mind assuming the worst all the time.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

I nearly gave up…

I nearly gave up…

When we started this journey nearly 8 years ago, we never imagined it would be so long, so hard or so heartbreaking. 

I remember for the 1st 6 months or so it was fun and just meant having more sex. Then it became all about timing and not so fun anymore. Even through the investigations i never really thought there would be an issue with either of us.

Clomid would be the answer. Its a horrid medication that made me feel so hormonal and under the weather but it would work. After 6 months, with no monitoring, it was IVF time. I now know it was prescribed just to allow us to jump a hurdle and get on the IVF pathway.

IVF is a game changer. It affecrs every part of your life. It takes over. You dont stop trying naturally despite knowing there is a 0.01% chance itll happen for you. So the mechanical sex on top of the stress of waiting for the ivf appointments, whilst also trying every fad diet and old wives tale is really fun. Not. Then you deal with the people who say ‘relax, itll happen’ or ‘its just not your time yet’ and have to be polite and smile rather than bitch slapping them, because we do live in a civilised society after all and it wouldnt be proper.

When you finally get going, 6 months after the original appointment where you found out you both have fertility issues, despite being told everything was ok during the investigations, you, as the woman, are pumped full of hormones, whilst your partner can only watch on in disbelief as you get angry in a second or complain how swollen you are inside.

After egg collection youre told your number, the number of eggs they artificially pulled out of you and you live or die by this number. Only then to realise you are fairly unwell, cant stand or walk and throwing up everywhere. Youve developed OHSS, a life threatening illness only IVF ladies can get. What a club to be in. But you battle through it, not wanting to admit to how poorly you are lest it delay the cycle because in just over 2 weeks you will be pregnant.

The daily updates see those precious numbers dwindle, 23 collected, 13 fertilised, what happened to the other 10 bastard eggs i pumped myself full of drugs for? Eh?? But youre assured its ok and normal. By day 5 after collection there are 3 left in the running. 3. 20 have failed. Meaning we have failed. 1 is put back despute the environment (my uterus) not being ideal and you are sent away to manage for 17 days with no contact.

You analyse everything, every sneeze, every hiccup, noticing you tan faster than normal. This has to be it. I will be pregnant. Until you bleed bang on the day you were due on. 5 pissing days before test day. It failed. I failed. My body failed.

Luckily the other 2 embryos were frozen so you have 2 more chances. But the wait for treatment is horrendous. Youre told 3 months but its actually 6 before they can fit you in. This time you have to down regulate your body, put it through the menopause. 5 long weeks of injections, tablets, headaches, mood swings, and hot sweats. Only to be told your uterine lining is too thin and they are cancelling the cycle. I failed. Again. I cried for 8 hours that day.

6 months later and you do it all again. Same result. But no tears this time. Failure is becoming the norm now. Instead you are just angry at the whole proccess, at yourself. At the world.

You watch your friends have their babies, it breaks your heart everytime but you are over joyed for them and devestated its not you. You still hope at this point though.

The powers that be discuss your case, amongst themselves, not with you. They decide to try a non medicated cycle. You agree to anything. 17 days of early morning blood tests and finally ovulation is detected. But your lining is only 5mm. They want to cancel. You beg your nurse to put your case forward to the powers that be in the afternoon briefing, explaining youd rather have a chance than nothing at all. That your mental health is suffering and its either transfer MY embryo or a stint in the Priory.

They agree but warn you repeatdly you are wasting a chance. But it works. Then there is The Story of Milo (see 3rd ever blog) 

After a loss like that, all you want is to be pregnant again. Your body aches for what has been snatched from it. We tried naturally again whilst we waited for our turn to try with our last frozen embryo. Youre meant to be your most fertile after a loss. But youre not that lucky. Of course youre not.

6 months and we try again. Same as before. It worked before it can work again. But it doesnt. And you are left with nothing but a wait to confirm when you can start the whole damn proccess again.

But i cant wait. I need to be pregnant now. You investigate clinics abroad. Something you never dreamt of doing or needing to do. And you find that one clinic that feels right. You just know its the clinic for you. Personal loans, flights, accomodation, drugs all sorted in 6 weeks or less. Its so different and daunting but this is your chance. You get there and within minutes know you made the right decision. It doesnt matter that you cant eat or drink as your body is having some sort of weird reaction to something (turns out boling the water doesnt kill the bugs but you wont figure that out for a long time yet) you know this is the clinic that will get you pregnant.

They do too. And its wonderful. And despite many hiccups, the baby is healthy and for 9 days you feel nothing but bliss. This is our time. This is our baby. But out of nowhere, the baby is gone. Eerily timed so that you lose that baby 54 weeks after losing the 1st baby, at the same number of weeks gestation. 

And it breaks you. Mentally its too much. You try to get on, try to be normal, try to be ok. But youre not. Not at all. You know you cant face trying again anytime soon and you think by having that year out, by going to creamfields, to disneyland paris and to Australia, you are healing, body and mind. Until your mind craps out on you the week before Australia and you have another breakdown. Except you dont know you are having it until its pointed out by a colleague. How embarrassing.

Being on the other side of the world with your bestie and hubby does the trick. You reconnect with your hubby and realise you are not alone. That anxiety monster just told you you were. You drink everyday with your bestie who oozes positivity, and it rubs off. You can do this. You are ready to try again. 

So you fly out to that fab clinic that gave you that healthy baby knowing this is it. Until your hormones dont play ball and you cant transfer. You mope for 2 days. Not anticipating a freeze all cycle but you bounce back, have a holiday and feel pretty smug you have 7 to feeeze. But you need to keep going. You are back in the ivf mindset after 14 months off and you struggled through stimulation this time. So much so you dont ever want to stim again. 

So you fly out again the folliwing month, leaving hubby at home and taking Mum instead. Another villa, another hire car, another week out of work. The meds make you poorly but you carry on. You keep up the PMA. They transfer 4 of the 7 and you fly home the next day. Already pretty sure it hasnt worked. You just dont have ‘the feeling’ but you try to get through the 2 week wait with positivity until you test the day before bloods and see the whitest of white test staring back at you.

And you give up. Its all over. You had your 2 chances and it didnt work out. Youve used up all your luck. You wont be a mummy to your biological children. The hope after 8 cycles over 4 years has run out. If the amazing clinic you put all your faith in cant do it, no one can.

But they, the clinic, offer you a life line and youd be stupid not take it. It means stimming again which you REALLY dont want to do. So you decide if youre going to do it, youre throwing everything at it. You borrow money from parents to pay for this last shot, to ‘kitchen sink’ it. You dont believe itll work. Youre doing it to say you tried everything, so you walk away knowing you gave it your best shot. Time has taught you that life isnt fair and now you are ready to accept that. You do it for hubby, you do it for the potential grandparents but deep down you know its game over.

So you fly out for the 3rd time in 4 months. You know this town you stay in like the back of your hand now, sat nav no longer required. And you go to the appointments and be your cheery self and you meet the other patients and tell them it will work and that they have chosen the best clinic ever. Because they have, they dont need to know that i have used up all my luck, that my body has failed me, that ill never be a Mummy.

And you go through the motions and you have the transfer, even realising its been your best cycle yet and the numbers didnt dwindle too much and that you made 6 healthy embryos, 4 of which are inside you making you a bit crampy. But you dare not dream.

And you come home and you have ‘the feeling’ but the doubts creep in and you are so so scared to get your hopes up. But eventually you crack. You test earlier than ever before, and there they are, 2 pink lines. It actually bloody worked. It was worth the Β£20k you spent over those 4 months just to see those 2 pink lines.

Then you realise you have to actually get past 21 weeks gestation this time and that doesnt seem possible. You spend the 1st 12 weeks numb, especially when you start bleeding in week 10, but at your 12 week scan you fall in love with that baby on the screen. You continue to bleed and be in and out of EPU almost weekly so you spend the next couple of weeks petrified youll lose that baby you now love.

And then the bleeding stops suddenly, but you cant relax as youre now counting down to that fateful 21st week. You increase your counselling sessions to deal with the anxiety but you dare not hope for the best. And you have your anomaly scan and baby is perfect, like the last one. So you still dont hope. And then its week 21 and you are strangely calm. Something feels different this time. You cant explain it but you make it to week 22. And then week 24, youve a viable baby on board for the 1st time ever. And you are elated but cautious. Then you hit 26 weeks, 27, its a miracle.

Today im 28 weeks. Thats the 3rd trimester. 12 weeks until term. Hes a real chance of surving now. And im over the moon and cant quite believe we made it.

And i nearly gave up, i nearly didnt have the cycle that created this precious life inside of me. I was so hurt, so broken, i didnt think it’d happen for me.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Not the best day….

Not the best day….

Today couldve been better.

We woke up to find that 1 of our cats, Splash, was very unwell. He was outside, unable to jump over the gate. He collapsed once in the house, drooling and struggling to breathe.

We thought he may have been knocked over as he was filthy and limping. We called the vet and got him the 1st appointment of the day. We dressed quickly and headed out into rush hour traffic, me in the back seat, trying to comfort a very distressed Splash.

Once we arrived he was weighed in his carrier and they listened to his chest. He couldnt move he was so weak. They need to admit him straight away as there was lots of crackling on his chest and wheezing. I sobbed my heart out saying goodbye, telling him itd be ok. The vet told us to prepare ourselves as the outcome looked bleak.

I cried all the way home. (At least i can cry.) Anyone with a pet knows they are a member of the family. When youve been through infertility, and loss, they become something more. They are the reason you bother getting out of bed, they give you a reason to go on. Essentially they become your fur babies and you treat them like your own children. I talk to both my cats like they can understand me. I adore them. They rule the roost. They have been 2 of my favourite people for 10 years now.

Just as i managed to pull myself together, as the emotional shut down began, i fell down the bloody stairs!!!! 

I lost my footing, crashed onto my bottom and slid down 4 stairs. It was painful as hell!! 

This meant a visit to the hospital to check on baby. He was moving but given our history we thought it best to be seen.

Well after my BP being taken, it was CTG time

2.5 hours i was strapped to that. For the 1st hour or so, babys heartbeat dipped severely every so often, going from 160 to 70. It had people worried. 

After another hour or so, with lots of movement, it was determined that these dips were ‘loss of contact’. The baby was kicking the sensor off and hiding. I had to hold him still for the last half hour.

The gaps and dips above, show just how naughty he was, kicking and hiding. The 1st hour, the reading was like an earthquake monitor during a seismic event, up and down all over!!!! 

I have a very bruised bottom and carpet burned arm but baby is fine and thats the key thing.

Whilst being monitored, Mr Me called the vet for an update. Splash is still very unwell. He was given medication to relax him and put in an oxygen tent. Bloods revealed it wasnt his kidneys or liver so they think its his heart. They are keeping him in overnight for observation and will do an xray in the morning if he is strong enough.

He has had a drink and used the litter tray though. Preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. Please keep my big lad in your thoughts…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

21+1 Massive Milestone

21+1 Massive Milestone

At 21 weeks and 1 day, i lost my last baby.

Im VERY PLEASED to announce that no such thing has happened this time around. 

Baby is happy as can be in my uterus with no signs of arriving early!!!! To my mind, this means im free of the infection that got to Millie, and thats a huge relief! 

WOOHOO!! 

I woke up early to the baby kicking away like mad, i had been dreaming about punching someone, which i think is because i was being punched!! 

Today i had 3 appointments at the hospital.

A check in with my midwife, a cervical scan and counselling.

Was lovely to see V and talk through my anxieties, we thought my blood pressure would be up, but its fine. Go me!

Cervical scan was good too. Last check was 3.8cm and today it was 3.2cm.

Now a 6mm drop to me seems a bit drastic in 2 weeks, but im assured its totally normal. Seeing them again in a few weeks, not sure exactly when yet as itll depend on other appointments.

Counselling was great too, especially as i hadnt any for 4 weeks. We talked through what had been going on and how im feeling. 

My anxiety is around a 4 or 5, which isnt bad as my normal is a 3. 

Quietly im quite confident we might actually get through this week and dare i say pregnancy but im too afraid to ‘let go’ in case i jinx it.

I do think i will be able to enjoy this pregnancy once i pass my 24 week milestone, something i was worried about, but i do think ill be able to get excited.

So another day down and IM STILL PREGNANT!!!!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

And we are off

And we are off

21 weeks today. Here we go….

All good so far. Consistent movement, no sign of infection.

Had a few ‘fanny daggers’ and vertical bump pains last night, but my lovely babycentre ladies reassured me its growing pains.

Nothing today so far.

Anxiety is a 4 or 5 out of 10

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx