Tag: baby loss

Oh my god…he’s one!!!

Oh my god…he’s one!!!

It was Little T’s birthday yesterday!!

We survived a whole year! And what a year its been!

He started crawling 3 weeks ago and is into everything, particularly the cats food and water! The cat is amazed that the small human is now mobile and is very wary of him. Lots of mad dashes past him and spending a lot of time outside!

Little T had his 12m check last week and passed everything with flying colours, except gross motor skills, hes a lazy boy, but im not worried, i didnt walk until i was 18m!

As a treat, we have come away to Majorca. Its our second day and im feeling ok. Monday though, whilst travelling, i was an anxious mess, shaking like a leaf most of the day.

I decided to pay for lounge access at the airport, absolutely the best idea ever. It was so calm, and free food and drink, including booze! Kept us away from the masses! I did take Ts sunscreen through security though, which was promptly taken off us as it was 200mls, doh!

The weather isnt boiling but its nice and i bought ‘The Fox Tan’ to help me tan, cant go home without a tan ha ha!

The hotel is geared up for families so thats a bonus, but when we arrived at 11.30pm Monday night, there was a party atmosphere. Little T even got his groove on!!

So, 1 whole year! Ive been a Mummy for a year and i can honestly say, i love it. Its everything i dreamed and more! Sure, there are days when he whinges all day, or doesnt sleep, and they are HARD but mostly hes the happiest baby on Earth!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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Bad bereaved parent

It was Milo’s anniversary on 13th. I forgot. Only remembered today as facebook showed me a picture of the flowers we received after we lost him.

What a shit parent i am.

I think of Milo and Millie almost daily but i feel so guilty for forgetting

Yes i was busy with Little T, we had group, his passport application needed to be signed, a new cleaner started and we needed bits from Tesco.

Is it OK to forget? Ill never forget them, ever, but i think its best to focus on the now.

Little T is here and needs me, needs me to be present, needs me to be all about him and i think thats OK, i think?

I think M&M would want me/us to live life to the fullest, to be happy, to enjoy what we have and not lament what we have lost

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

My first Mothers Day

My first Mothers Day

I honestly never thought I’d be a Mum to a live baby. I thought i was destined to watch from afar, not feeling that love between Mother and Child.

And then Little T came along and its harder and more beautiful and more rewarding than i ever thought possible.

And I’m so very grateful, everyday, but especially today.

However, i remember. I remember being the Mum in waiting, the bereaved Mum, the pregnant Mum hoping this time it’d be different, so to all of you who are still waiting, still hoping, still grieving, i salute you. Today will be hard but you are stronger than you know and you’ll get through today, one way or another, whatever is easiest, that’s right for you.

Little T (and Mr Me) made me feel very special, with a lovely card, a book with 10 reasons Little T loves me, and wooden picture blocks. Ill keep these things forever, and remember how grateful and lucky i am when i see them.

Today means the world to me, I’m an actual Mummy to an actual little boy who is the most wonderful human

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Help for those who need it

Help for those who need it

If you, or anyone you know, is in the first year of bereavement, this charity aims to fund a weekend away to let you decompress and just ‘be’

I ran away after both my losses. I needed it to be Mr Me and I for a bit.

For Zachary

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

New Year, No Plan

New Year, No Plan

2018 is around the corner…its the first year in however long that i dont have a project 

Its either been; get pregnant or stay pregnant for so many years.

And now? Now there is no plan.

Its weird but utterly amazing. IVF and loss is exhausting. Its all consuming. This year there will be none of that.

2018 is about making memories…enjoying Little T and rejoicing that IVF isnt on the cards, nor is another loss.

We have 2 holidays booked, so far. Mr Me will despair if i book another break! So ill try not to! 

2018, im ready for you and i hope itll be one of the best

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

When you realise what you’re missing

When you realise what you’re missing

Its my birthday on Saturday, which means today is the start of Baby Loss Awareness Week. Itll forever more be a bittersweet week for me.

Theres a saying ‘you dont know what youve got til its gone’ which is a great saying that applies to most situations.

Except when you lose babies before having a live one to take home.

The grief is devastating, but you dont really know what you missed out on, until you take home a baby.

I love little T so so much, and to watch him learn and grow gives me so much pleasure. More and more i think about Milo and Millie and how they wouldve developed.

Would their eyes have started blue and changed to a rich brown? 

Would they be dying to sit up? 

What wouldve made them laugh? Or cry? 

Would they have slept through by now? 

I now understand what i lost, what couldve been. Its pretty painful all over again when i think of all the cuddles i missed out on, l the smiles i didnt see. It never goes away, the pain just lessens in severity. 

Loss, at any stage, is just horrific. No parent should ever have to lose a child. More so though, no parent should feel they cant talk about their loss.

In todays society, its still a taboo to mention miscarriage, early or late. Talking about stillborn babies makes people uncomfortable. As such, bereaved parents are made to feel they must just get over it or forget it.

How do you just forget a person? Regardless of gestation, that baby was a person to his/her parents! Should we just forget when a grandparent/parent/aunt/uncle/brother or sister die? No! 

So why is it different when the child is in utero? Put simply, it isnt.

So if you or someone you know loses a baby, talk to them about the loss. Dont worry about upsetting them, they are already heartbroken. 

You are already likely to know someone who has suffered a loss as it happens to 1 in 4 pregnancies. 

All life is precious no matter how fleeting.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

#IVFis40

#IVFis40

So this year marks 40 years since the 1st IVF baby was born.

In honour of National Fertility Awareness week, i wanted to share some of my experiences/memories.

Ive done a whopping 9 cycles. 3 of those resulted in no embryo transfer. Of the other 6, 3 worked. Im INCREDIBLY lucky to have such good numbers. Sadly, only 1 pregnancy made it to term. The other 2 were lost at 21 weeks.

I remember after being referred for IVF i cried. I honestly thought we’d make a baby the normal way (or as i now say, traditional way). We had no idea there was a problem at the time of referral either.

Then at our 1st meeting at the clinic we are told i have polycystic ovaries (but not the syndrome) and he has poor sperm in terms of count, morphology and mobility. We have 0.01% chance of making a baby tradtionally.

Then the wait to cycle. I think the waiting was one of the worst things for me. Youve got your head round the idea and then you have to wait. Wait your turn. Get knocked back due to clinic being full/bank holidays/clinic closing for a clean/incubators not working/hormones inbalanced/uterine lining too thin…all of those were actual reasons i couldnt start a cycle or why i couldnt have an embryo transferred.

The 1st time i was naive. I got 23 eggs, the most that day. But only 13 fertilised. Youre not warned the numbers drop so fast. I got ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome but didnt tell the clinic in case they cancelled my cycle. I was really quite poorly but i was also desperate. Itd been 2.5yrs of trying by then. By transfer day i had 3 embryos left and a touch of OHSS. The transfer went ahead. 10 days later my period started.

Little did i know itd take another 6 years and 8 cycles before i brought a baby home.

I started out shy, taking my knickers off for a scan, WHILST on my period, was mortifying! By the end, id take my knickers off as easy as most people take off a pair of sunglasses when entering a room.

I knew all the acronyms, i was a huge contributer to online communities, i read all the research, ate brazil nuts, pineapple core, avocado, whatever the lastest study revealed. 

I lived, breathed and loved IVF. Im still an advocate for talking about infertility, and now, sadly, terminations for medical reasons and late miscarriage.

I went abroad, to Cyprus, for my final 4 cycles of IVF. I met a wonderful team at my chosen clinic. They blessed me with 2 pregnancies including the one who made it to term. They are like family, and i like to think im paying for thier kids to go to uni!! Haha! 

They were the best of times but also the worst of times

Even now, with my miracle rainbow baby sleeping upstairs, im still jealous of a pregnancy bump. 

I have 5 frozen embryos, im exceptionally lucky. But im not sure i can do anymore IVF. Its emotionally draining, its a lifestyle not just a treatment. Its scary and hard and consumes your very being.

Im so grateful for IVF. I am truly lucky to live in an age where treatments get better every year. Still, i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Loving him is hard because….

Loving him is hard because….

I have the feels. All the feels. Im besotted, hes amazing, i cant remember life without him

But it took 8 weeks. 8 weeks to admit i loved him, 8 weeks to allow myself those feelings. To be honest im still cautious but my heart swells with his first smile of the day, regardless of my fear.

Infertility sucks on many levels. The months (years) of trying and failing. The agony of a period. The hoops to jump through en route to IVF, the hundreds of injections, watching all your friends have babies. People getting bored of your journey, the agony of IVF failures, of cancelled cycles, of feeling you are worth nothing as a woman. I could go on. 

Basically its shit. And you know what, it continues to be shit even though i now have my very own mini human. Why? Because it hindered the love…it took so long for Little T to feel like mine, rather than me looking after someone elses baby. I was waiting for the bubble to burst. A small part of me still is and always will be, i guess.

Im still jealous of the fertile people, they decide to get pregnant and within months, are. No military planning, no saving thousands of pounds. Just happens or a little cycle observation and bam, preggers.

I still envy a bump. Stare in awe. Wish i could do it without investing time and money. Its silly, but true.

Baby loss literally built a wall around my heart. A wall im still chipping away at. Losing 2 children, 2 (IVF) babies, is soul destroying. It messes you up in so many ways. Ways i thought id dealt with. Then Little T came along and i realised i was messed up in ways i didnt imagine. 

For weeks i thought i would lose him. That he would die. Thats what my babies did, they died. I was beyond terrified to love this tiny human in case he left me. I couldnt contemplate another loss. I just knew it would break me. So i kept Little T at arms length. Worried that loving him would mean losing him. 

That fear consumed me. For so many weeks. Until the fear of seeing my baby, my offspring, in pain. The 8 week immunisations. Thank god for them, not only for the protection they offer but for opening my heart.

Feeling guarded, not loving my child. Shameful? Not at all. Just the way things are after the hand id been dealt. I will always admit to these feelings, ill never regret what ive been through. I truly am a better person for it. Never did i think itd extend this far into my life though…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

PS heres a cute pic of Little T

Things that make me go, WOW

Things that make me go, WOW

Ive sounded very doom and gloom since Little T was born. Honestly i am enjoying motherhood, its just very different to what i expected and has literally changed everything. People tell you it changes everything but you dont really understand until it happens!!

But its all worth it…

When he fixes on me with his massive eyes, im transfixed, i cant look away, i can see him studying my face, know he knows that hes safe and wanted with me. My Mum says it his ‘look of love’

When he grabs my finger, my top, my skin, even with his razor sharp nails. Its like he holds onto me for security. I make him feel safe. So does a muslin mind you, but you know. I like to see him grab anything, i have a proud parent moment

When he burps/farts/poos im reassured that his little body is working properly and i marvel at the fact that Mr Me and I (and Team Miracle) made this perfect little human

When he smiles, i melt. I know its only wind at this point but hes got an amazing smile.

When he pouts, i melt. I dunno who taught him to pout but its perfect!!

When he makes random happy sounds, its like hes telling me something, like how the side of his pram really is super interesting. Without fail ill make up a conversation between him and i and often outloud, much to the amusement of onlookers

When i look at his face and see my mouth and eyes, his Daddys hands and forehead and chin, it reminds me of how much Mr Me and I love each other and how hard we worked to make this amazing little human

When people stop me and tell me what a gorgeous boy he is and how much they like his name, im so proud that hes mine.

Its all worth it. All of it.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

He’s still here!

He’s still here!

He hasnt been taken off us, nothing bad has happened. Little T is still here. And it still hasnt sunk in!!

My breastfeeding guilt is fading fast now as my supply has gone. Its reassuring to know that when im in my lavender bath soothing my sore bits, and he stirs, Mr Me can take over.

There is more control with a bottle too, i know exactly how much he is taking which plays into my control freak personality perfectly.

Apparantly he is still a bit Jaundice meaning he has been referred to the prolonged jaundice clinic tomorrow. Mr Me and I then had a #badparentmoment where we questioned what we did wrong. 2 hours later the midwife came round and said the health visotor who referred him was being overly cautious. To me he looks whiter than ever and his eyes are less yellow today than yesterday too. Ill keep him in daylight as much as possible today but with plenty of wet and dirty nappies going on im really hoping we get discharged at his appointment tomorrow.

Im not the parent i thought id be. I thought id freak out the minute he squeaked but i dont, im calm even when hes really shouting and ive impressed myself. 

My fear of SIDS is lessening. It never actually crippled me as much as i thought it would. The sensor pad is a massive reassurance and as im awake 22 hours of the day anyway….

I jest, im getting better with sleeping. I can crash in the afternoon when hes asleep in his moses basket sometimes and Mr Me and I are taking the nights in shifts so we both get a few hours of good sleep each.

The sleep deprivation is getting easier to manage now too. My pain is subsiding which is allowing me to relax more, and i can drive again!!!!! This really helps with my anxiety as i love to drive and it gives me a huge sense of control. Im a terrible passenger and i think Mr Me is secretly glad i can drive myself about again too.

We, as a 3, have been fairly busy. Little T had 3 photoshoots last week (meant to be 2 but was wide awake for one of them so had to go back) and weve also been out to the pub twice and to the Trafford Centre. Going to the TC was a massive thing for me. For years ive watched new Mums push their babies around in gleaming prams and wondered if itd ever be me. And then it was and it made me so proud.

I am very proud and very protective of Little T. I think hes amazing and i stare at him for hours without realising. When he fixes on me with his big eyes and i talk to him, its wonderful. But still no rush of love so to speak. Ive no doubt itll come though, the instincts are there, i just need to get over my fear that something will take him away from us. It is lessening day by day i think but after 8 years there is a lot to wade through before reaching the other side.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx