Tag: baby

Oh my god…he’s one!!!

Oh my god…he’s one!!!

It was Little T’s birthday yesterday!!

We survived a whole year! And what a year its been!

He started crawling 3 weeks ago and is into everything, particularly the cats food and water! The cat is amazed that the small human is now mobile and is very wary of him. Lots of mad dashes past him and spending a lot of time outside!

Little T had his 12m check last week and passed everything with flying colours, except gross motor skills, hes a lazy boy, but im not worried, i didnt walk until i was 18m!

As a treat, we have come away to Majorca. Its our second day and im feeling ok. Monday though, whilst travelling, i was an anxious mess, shaking like a leaf most of the day.

I decided to pay for lounge access at the airport, absolutely the best idea ever. It was so calm, and free food and drink, including booze! Kept us away from the masses! I did take Ts sunscreen through security though, which was promptly taken off us as it was 200mls, doh!

The weather isnt boiling but its nice and i bought ‘The Fox Tan’ to help me tan, cant go home without a tan ha ha!

The hotel is geared up for families so thats a bonus, but when we arrived at 11.30pm Monday night, there was a party atmosphere. Little T even got his groove on!!

So, 1 whole year! Ive been a Mummy for a year and i can honestly say, i love it. Its everything i dreamed and more! Sure, there are days when he whinges all day, or doesnt sleep, and they are HARD but mostly hes the happiest baby on Earth!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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Dumbass

Dumbass

Im so stupid, i mentioned on a competition on Facebook that we are planning to IVF again before blogging it.

So, we are planning a Frozen Embryo Transfer in September. I’m on holiday in North Cyprus anyway so makes sense to give it a go!

If it works, Little T will be just 2 when the new one arrives. Gulp! But people manage, and so will we.

I’ve 5 frozen and the plan is to defrost all of them and put best 2 back. This will stop me trying again and again. I don’t want IVF to take over again.

The bump envy won’t go away, even labour stories were making me jealous, but now we have made a decision, i feel at ease, peaceful almost and excited!

I’m excited to love another little person and give T a playmate. I also know that if it doesn’t work, T is meant to be an only child who we can spoil endlessly. Win win really.

Not getting any younger and biological clock is ticking away. I’m also being investigated for MS which has pushed my timeline up. That’s another story though.

So…big news

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

This is why not

This is why not

So…

A lady on a facebook group im on, lost her baby girl at 41&2

She did a facebook live describing how it all happened. She was still in shock and she was/is trying to cope so i dont begrudge her for talking about it. I applaud her.

What shes going through is 100 times worse than anything i had to endure, she has to look at the moses basket and pram, knowing her angel wont ever use them.

Awful.

Anyway, im trying to watch her live, i get to the bit just before she gives birth…and i crumble. We already know shes gonna be stillborn so i should be ok. I wanna be strong for this lady.

But i break…

Im back in the room where Milo was diagnosed with HLHS, im giving birth, im losing Millie, im contracting…

I’m full of anxiety, I’m tense, i wanna be strong but I’m not. I’m a mess.

And that’s why i can’t have another. I can’t go through it again.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Where do we go from here?

Where do we go from here?

I miss blogging.

I’ve held off as i know that when TTC the last thing you want is to read about how someone made it through the horridness that is infertility.

But i miss it. And i worked dam hard to get little T, i want to share stories about him, pictures of him.

So I’m letting you know, this will become a blog about someone who made it. Someone who won the war. Someone who paid their dues.

I’m truly sorry for everyone still fighting, i am.

But look how cute…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Guilt

Guilt

I feel a lot of guilt. 

Mummy guilt…am i doing enough to stimulate him, does he watch too much TV, is he bored? Am i keeping him warm enough/cool enough, is he happy? Am i feeding him the right food? 

All in all this guilt i think is normal for any parent and i try not to let it ruin my day, but in the middle of the night, it eats away at me.

Sibling guilt. I dont want to try for another baby. I feel like, in the IVF world, im the only person who doesnt want another baby. Im too scared of another loss, Little T has escaped his Dad’s blood condition and my asthma, hes perfect, i like my life how it is. I dont think i could manage a newborn and a toddler. All legit reasons. But i feel guilty anyway. Like i should want another baby, that i should give Little T a sibling. I feel selfish and i hate that.

Infertility guilt. Christmas is tomorrow. For the first time in a decade, i dont feel an overwhelming sense of sadness, for the first time in a long time, we have a tree and decorations. I dont need to hide away, i dont feel angry at the world. I dont feel broken

But i do feel guilty. I feel guilty because i know so many other people who havent got their baby yet, i know this time of year is horrific for them. I feel guilty because i remember it all too well.

I feel guilty because it happened for me and not them

I know i went through the mill to get Little T, that i deserve to be happy, but once you suffer infertility, i think ot stays with you for life. I feel guilty for feeling jealous when someone announces a pregnancy. I dont even want another baby. But im still jealous. Infertilility is life long.

So, for those of you lucky enough to have all your dreams come true, enjoy tomorrow, cherish every moment. 

For those of you still waiting, do what you have to just to get through it. Hide, drink, rant, rave, avoid whatever hurts you. Dont worry about letting people down, theyll forgive you.

Merry Christmas

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Happy Half Birthday

Happy Half Birthday

6 months today!!! Flown by. Although in those first few weeks i didnt think we would make it.

Little T is an absolute delight these days. Except when he is teething and/or stays up late. Which is a lot at the moment. But its fine because mostly he is awesome 

I still worry EVERY morning that he has died in his sleep (he is in his own room). I wake up and lie there waiting for him to make a noise, im too scared to go in first in case i find him lifeless. I remind myself daily that he is fine but im not sure ill ever stop feeling this way.

During the day though, we are having the best fun together. We have 4 classes a week and my anxiety about attending new ones is virtually zero. 

Support network is set up, and brilliant. 

We start weaning at the weekend. We are going with baby led. Im nervous and i dont know why. Perhaps because i have had such a strange relationship with food. Perhaps because its a sign time is flying past. Whatever it is, im fully kitted out now, and the veg is bought so i just need to take the plunge.

Changing tac slightly…

I had my 1st really down day yesterday. Id forgotten how low i could feel. It was preceeded by an anxiety attack the night before. It was a shock. I felt tearful all day. Its passed now but it was a stark reminder of why i take my meds.

Im currently having a kid free shop, its weird and i miss him. But its been nice to eat a sandwich slowly and drink a warm cup of tea. Haha

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Halloween Fun

Halloween Fun

As a bit of fun, i entered Little T into a cute baby contest. 

I by no means think he will win but if you want to have fun looking at cute babies, follow the below link

Cute Babies! 

We also won a free photo shoot last week. 

We got lots of images but here are a few halloween themed ones

He’s not a massive fan of the pumpkin costume and certainly not the hat, but it wasnt cheap so ive already had him in it twice and he’ll be wearing it all day today.

Its super fun dressing up babies!!! 

Happy Halloween everyone

Stay safe

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Pointless post

Little T isnt well. He started off snuffly and now has a hacking/barking cough and a cold.

I passed him my cold. Im wracked with guilt and shattered as im not sleeping. Im worried hes going to die. I can hear mucus on his chest but hes not coughing it up. Im worried he will drown. Which i know is stupid but im a mess anyway.

Hes also moved into his own room this weekend. He had to. He was practically wearing the crib in our room. Hes taken really well to his big boy cot. Im actually shocked at how well given hes poorly.

Hes napping more as he is unwell, but has no temperature so i think its just a cold. Do i take him to the GP anyway? 

He is eating but less than normal, probably as he is snuffly. Im giving him Calcough to coat his throat as it sounds a bit sore. Im running the shower and letting him breathe in the steam, what else can i do? 

Its a minefield. I dont want to waste the GPs time but i dont want him to suffer. Am i worrying un-neccesarily? 

I thinking of sleeping in the rocking chair so i can hear him breathing between coughs.  Is that OTT? Will it make me more anxious? 

When awake hes in good spirits, seems himself etc. 

What do i do? Im not one for bothering the GP usually but im worried ill try to manage it and itll be a chest infection and ill put him at risk.

Minefield.

Its 1am and i needed to get it out. I might get some sleep now. I saw 1am, twice, last night, stupid clocks going back.

Anyway.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Its all starting to make sense

Its all starting to make sense

I went back to counselling this week. Mr Me made the referral when i was struggling. In the hour i was there, i managed to cover the time from his birth to my struggles to feeling better.

Over the course of this week ive realised my next session will be my last. I dont need that level of support anymore. I know how to manage my issues now. I can self analyse, know what will make me anxious and why and how to cope with that.

I know ill probably need to be medicated for depression for most of my life but im ok with that. Im ok to admit that i suffer with anxiety and depression, the same way i suffer with and am medicated for asthma. Its just part of my life. Im at peace with that.

Actually, im happy. Im happy i finally have my baby, happy that, despite all the crap, Mr Me and I made it. Happy im a mummy, a wife, a friend.

Worry, sleep deprivation and self doubt are creeping away. Little T is nearly 12 weeks old (oh my god i have a 3 month old) and hes thriving (now that hes being treated for reflux) 

Now i get more than 2 hours sleep a night, im more rational, more confident. In the last couple of weeks we have settled into a nice routine. 

Ive joined more classes, i spend more time just enjoying Little T and watching him learn and develop. I no longer constantly hold myself up to the impossible standard i set myself.

I now love being his mummy. Now that ive stopped worrying about losing myself, ive found my feet. Im still me, still put my make up on, do my nails when i can, go out with my friends, spend quality time with Mr Me. Im me AND a mummy. 

Now i know why we fought so hard for so long, now i know i was right to want this so much.

Ive stopped caring if i get all the washing done, stopped worrying about keeping on top of the housework. It gets done. Not today though. Today ive spent all day snuggling, because he needed me, and i needed him. There wont always be days where we can just snuggle so these days are special.

My family is special. And i love being a mummy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Loving him is hard because….

Loving him is hard because….

I have the feels. All the feels. Im besotted, hes amazing, i cant remember life without him

But it took 8 weeks. 8 weeks to admit i loved him, 8 weeks to allow myself those feelings. To be honest im still cautious but my heart swells with his first smile of the day, regardless of my fear.

Infertility sucks on many levels. The months (years) of trying and failing. The agony of a period. The hoops to jump through en route to IVF, the hundreds of injections, watching all your friends have babies. People getting bored of your journey, the agony of IVF failures, of cancelled cycles, of feeling you are worth nothing as a woman. I could go on. 

Basically its shit. And you know what, it continues to be shit even though i now have my very own mini human. Why? Because it hindered the love…it took so long for Little T to feel like mine, rather than me looking after someone elses baby. I was waiting for the bubble to burst. A small part of me still is and always will be, i guess.

Im still jealous of the fertile people, they decide to get pregnant and within months, are. No military planning, no saving thousands of pounds. Just happens or a little cycle observation and bam, preggers.

I still envy a bump. Stare in awe. Wish i could do it without investing time and money. Its silly, but true.

Baby loss literally built a wall around my heart. A wall im still chipping away at. Losing 2 children, 2 (IVF) babies, is soul destroying. It messes you up in so many ways. Ways i thought id dealt with. Then Little T came along and i realised i was messed up in ways i didnt imagine. 

For weeks i thought i would lose him. That he would die. Thats what my babies did, they died. I was beyond terrified to love this tiny human in case he left me. I couldnt contemplate another loss. I just knew it would break me. So i kept Little T at arms length. Worried that loving him would mean losing him. 

That fear consumed me. For so many weeks. Until the fear of seeing my baby, my offspring, in pain. The 8 week immunisations. Thank god for them, not only for the protection they offer but for opening my heart.

Feeling guarded, not loving my child. Shameful? Not at all. Just the way things are after the hand id been dealt. I will always admit to these feelings, ill never regret what ive been through. I truly am a better person for it. Never did i think itd extend this far into my life though…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

PS heres a cute pic of Little T