Tag: baby

Its all starting to make sense

Its all starting to make sense

I went back to counselling this week. Mr Me made the referral when i was struggling. In the hour i was there, i managed to cover the time from his birth to my struggles to feeling better.

Over the course of this week ive realised my next session will be my last. I dont need that level of support anymore. I know how to manage my issues now. I can self analyse, know what will make me anxious and why and how to cope with that.

I know ill probably need to be medicated for depression for most of my life but im ok with that. Im ok to admit that i suffer with anxiety and depression, the same way i suffer with and am medicated for asthma. Its just part of my life. Im at peace with that.

Actually, im happy. Im happy i finally have my baby, happy that, despite all the crap, Mr Me and I made it. Happy im a mummy, a wife, a friend.

Worry, sleep deprivation and self doubt are creeping away. Little T is nearly 12 weeks old (oh my god i have a 3 month old) and hes thriving (now that hes being treated for reflux) 

Now i get more than 2 hours sleep a night, im more rational, more confident. In the last couple of weeks we have settled into a nice routine. 

Ive joined more classes, i spend more time just enjoying Little T and watching him learn and develop. I no longer constantly hold myself up to the impossible standard i set myself.

I now love being his mummy. Now that ive stopped worrying about losing myself, ive found my feet. Im still me, still put my make up on, do my nails when i can, go out with my friends, spend quality time with Mr Me. Im me AND a mummy. 

Now i know why we fought so hard for so long, now i know i was right to want this so much.

Ive stopped caring if i get all the washing done, stopped worrying about keeping on top of the housework. It gets done. Not today though. Today ive spent all day snuggling, because he needed me, and i needed him. There wont always be days where we can just snuggle so these days are special.

My family is special. And i love being a mummy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Loving him is hard because….

Loving him is hard because….

I have the feels. All the feels. Im besotted, hes amazing, i cant remember life without him

But it took 8 weeks. 8 weeks to admit i loved him, 8 weeks to allow myself those feelings. To be honest im still cautious but my heart swells with his first smile of the day, regardless of my fear.

Infertility sucks on many levels. The months (years) of trying and failing. The agony of a period. The hoops to jump through en route to IVF, the hundreds of injections, watching all your friends have babies. People getting bored of your journey, the agony of IVF failures, of cancelled cycles, of feeling you are worth nothing as a woman. I could go on. 

Basically its shit. And you know what, it continues to be shit even though i now have my very own mini human. Why? Because it hindered the love…it took so long for Little T to feel like mine, rather than me looking after someone elses baby. I was waiting for the bubble to burst. A small part of me still is and always will be, i guess.

Im still jealous of the fertile people, they decide to get pregnant and within months, are. No military planning, no saving thousands of pounds. Just happens or a little cycle observation and bam, preggers.

I still envy a bump. Stare in awe. Wish i could do it without investing time and money. Its silly, but true.

Baby loss literally built a wall around my heart. A wall im still chipping away at. Losing 2 children, 2 (IVF) babies, is soul destroying. It messes you up in so many ways. Ways i thought id dealt with. Then Little T came along and i realised i was messed up in ways i didnt imagine. 

For weeks i thought i would lose him. That he would die. Thats what my babies did, they died. I was beyond terrified to love this tiny human in case he left me. I couldnt contemplate another loss. I just knew it would break me. So i kept Little T at arms length. Worried that loving him would mean losing him. 

That fear consumed me. For so many weeks. Until the fear of seeing my baby, my offspring, in pain. The 8 week immunisations. Thank god for them, not only for the protection they offer but for opening my heart.

Feeling guarded, not loving my child. Shameful? Not at all. Just the way things are after the hand id been dealt. I will always admit to these feelings, ill never regret what ive been through. I truly am a better person for it. Never did i think itd extend this far into my life though…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

PS heres a cute pic of Little T

#mummyfails 

#mummyfails 

Little T is officially a person!! We registered him on Thursday. It was a fairly momentous day. I never thought id have a legal tiny human with a birth certificate and everything. An actual real birth certificate. A legally recognised child. Wow.

Proud Mummy Moment

The same day that it was made legal, the day i officially became a Mummy, was also the same day as my 1st #mummyfail

After registering him, we had lunch, including little T, we then laid flowers at the Manchester memorial. Very sobering at the best of times but with a newborn it was something else. I had goosebumps. The whole city is grieving as one. The pain was palpable but so was the sense of community and determination that we will not be beaten

St Ann’s Square, Manchester

As we made our way back to the car, Little T was getting hungry, and i hadnt packed another bottle!!!!!! We had to go straight to the Prolonged Jaundice Clinic so the poor guy screamed for about an hour. I have never felt so awful. What a shit parent. Ive learnt from it and ill never leave the house with 1 bottle again but my word! It was just the worst feeling.

Not only that but i cut his little finger when clipping his nails the other day!!! The boy has really sharp nails and scratches himself, and me, a lot but from now on ill only be filing them down.

The smallest of things can really knock you. Being referred to the Jaundice Clinic made me feel i wasnt capable of looking after him properly. Even though he is still Jaundice, the Nurse Practitinor was happy that it would resolve on its own, still though, i couldnt get it cleared in the 2 weeks specified so #mummyfail

I couldnt breastfeed #mummyfail

I cut his finger #mummyfail

I didnt pack enough food #mummyfail

Not only am i making rookie mistakes but im also missing being pregnant which i feel guilty about. I waited so long to be a Mummy and now i am, i miss being pregnant.

However, the NCT girls who have also given birth, miss their bumps too, so im not alone or weird.

Even though it was tough at the end and my anxiety was up throughout, i miss feeling him move, i miss the way i looked, i miss the feeling that i was doing something amazing. Now im just flabby, with no clothes that fit!!!! But my belly button bar did go back in with ease the other day which pleased me no end!! 

Despite all my #mummyfails, yesterday Little T and i flew solo as Mr Me went back to work. We survived. And with smiles on our faces. We didnt get out but i did organise a drawer

I applied for child benefit and kept the boy alive so im classing it as a #mummywin 

That face!!!

I missed Mr Me terribly but i was proud that we got on well without him. I managed a shower, getting dressed and made up, lunch, sterilising and making up bottles. Ok so everything took an hour and a half longer than normal (when Mr Me is around and since Little T’s birth) but it got done and that is a #mummywin

The feelings are coming. I stare at him and marvel that i made him, i study every part of his face, admire every expression and movement. I would do anything to protect him. I miss him when he sleeps.

Its not the ‘rush’ i expected, was told about, instead its a slow creep of emotion that in time will consume my very being. Its not what i was expecting but its more than i ever dreamed it would be.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Induction Update #4

Induction Update #4

Im still bloody pregnant.

At 2.30am i was contracting away so had some paracetamol and codeine whilst a doctor looked over my notes to see if i was allowed more Prostin (the induction med). He agreed i could have another dose but as i was painfully contracting, the midwives decided to hold back.

At 4am, with the aid of gas and air, i had an internal. Babys head is low down meaning cervix has been pushed back. It took 2 midwives to determine i was 2-3cm dilated and still had 0.5cm in length.

At 5am the contractions stopped. Dead. Not even a twinge. Was told i was ready for them to artificially rupture membranes (break my waters) at 5.30am but that we were waiting on a bed in delivery.

Im still waiting. And im bored.

Managed 2hrs broken sleep to be woken up to the woman next door giving birth. In the induction ward. Not even the right fecking place.

Spent well over an hour on the monitor this morning as baby was super active so took ages to get his base line heart rate settled.

Was told i was being moved to a bay of 4, freaked out but got dressed (into new PJs that were meant for post partum) did my make up and packed, to be then told i was staying put.

Went for a decaf Costa and a walk. Came back to my room so Mr Me could massage my sore back, had another hours sleep and still no progress with labour or a bed.

Im seriously wondering if ill ever meet this baby.

He might be here by JUNE!!!!!! 

Gah! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Induction update #1

Induction update #1

Arrived at 11am. Put on monitor at 11.30am.

Examined at 12.30pm and 1.5cm dilated so pessary popped in. Midwife could feel babys head and thinks ill only need the one pessary but could be a delay in breaking waters as no beds on delivery! 

Currently awaiting freedom from monitor so i can move about and get on the ball.

Will be examined again in 6hrs!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Thunderbirds Are Go.

Thunderbirds Are Go.

So AF has been threatening to make an appearance for a few days but thankfully held off.

This evening, right on time, she showed her face!

Tomorrow is CD 1 and then on Saturday i get to make a dent in this lot…

image

Eeeeek its happening!!!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Seeing pink….

Seeing pink….

So a little update! Im now 9dp5dt, its been 2 weeks since my eggs were collected….dunno where the time has gone in all honesty!

Ive still no urge to test, just enjoying being PUPO!! More than happy in my little bubble!

I did have a mini panic last night…there was a spot of pink on the toilet paper upon wiping (TMI). If i had read this on my forum i would have been all ‘don’t worry, its implantation, as long as its not heavy, red, and accompanied by cramps, you’ll be fine, see it as a positive’

But of course, i cant take my own advice so got very upset! It really was nothing to worry about but in the two week wait last thing you want to see is anything remotely pink or red. I did my evening pessary and there wasn’t anything further despite going up ‘there’!

I must point out that i know ladies who have had heavy bleed and still gone on to get a BFP (big fat positive) so this tiny little bit of spotting really is nothing, but the shock of it made my brain over react!

On the plus side, i was keen for hubby to do the devil juice jab, something id been dreading all day, as i know the progesterone holds any potential pregnancy in place.
It stung a bit last night but only as i was tense, we did it after the spotting so i guess i was holding everything in, however after rubbing the area like a mad fool, I’m pleased to report the ass to ankle pain was significantly reduced.

I woke this morning, not the rage induced devil i expected, but calm and well rested (will continue to the devil jabs at night now) and pleased to find there was no further spotting! Phew!

On my drive to work, (which is currently taking anything up to 1hr 15mins usually 8mins but they’ve closed a load of roads, don’t even get me started, I’m well annoyed!!!) i found myself to be incredibly hungry, this is NOT the norm for me, so must be the babies, luckily todays trip was only 45mins so they didn’t have long to wait until i could feed them porridge!!

I was still spotting but it was brown, which means its old, and thats good!

And then my blood pressure dropped. Not as dramatic as it sounds, i just go a bit weak and wobbly, and spacey! Now i know it was my blood pressure as i had the exact same thing when i was 6 weeks pregnant with Milo….so its happened a lot earlier this time, but its another sign that this has probably worked! I have low BP anyway but as the GP said last time, better to have low BP than high in pregnancy.
The way to recover is not move much and drink plenty of fluids. Luckily a colleague was there and kindly brought me a jug of water.

Now I’m a bit of a water snob, in that i cannot stand tap water, (usually drink bottled) so i HAVE to add cordial and even then I’m very aware its not bottled and can taste the chemicals….weird but true….anyway i digress…

So I’ve spent most of the day moving around the office as little as possible and when i had to, moving slowly!

My appetite is still unending, instead of eating and becoming full, i just seem to have a bottomless pit….one of my favourite symptoms as you’ll know from my previous posts about Anorexia….i just love being able to eat without pain or getting full stupidly fast. Ive grazed all day really….and the weight is already going on….will weigh myself next Monday to see how much more I’ve gained.

Ive had to undo the top button on my trousers already…eek!!!

I am really starting to believe that we will be getting a BFP come Sunday, and I’m going to feel like such a fool if we don’t as i have no other explanation for whats going on, other than I’m having a phantom pregnancy. But in 5.5yrs I’ve managed to successfully avoid that so please please let this be it, let there be a real baby or babies (!) in there!

Anyway my sleepy time is upon us, and i must do all i can to resist so i sleep OK tonight!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

7 days down….4 to go

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A week ago today, the litter were transferred! Its flown by in all honesty, which i didn’t expect.

I went back to work today and as always, it was nice to be there, i do love my job! Problem was, hubby didn’t pack me enough food!

I ate my porridge upon arrival, and then tucked into Jaffa cakes…at 10.30 i was offered a cuppa soup, i declined thinking there would be ample in my lunch box, i checked, there wasn’t, so had the cuppa soup!

I then clock watched for 12pm (whilst working) so it was acceptable to devour my sandwich and 2 bags of crisps. Then i was out of food 😪

Only problem I’ve had is serious indigestion whenever i eat, which is a problem, as i want to eat ALL the time. Ive also had some cramping today and the right hand side of my groin is aching…I’m not worried, in fact I’m seeing it as a positive!

Oh and I’m now covered in what i call ‘progesterone acne’ its all over my upper-back, shoulders and chest….delightful but also reminiscent of my last pregnancy….but of course I’m taking a lot of progesterone so probably linked to that.

Other than that, im tired now, at 5.30pm and had a few bouts of light-headiness since getting home so i shall sign off and possibly nap…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx