Tag: babyloss

Holidays and Hospital Stays

Holidays and Hospital Stays

Last week we got back from 10 days in Northern Cyprus. We had a lovely time, Little T, particularly so!

The flights over were fine, but the layover in Istanbul was beyond stressful. Mum and my Bro went missing as we were separated getting off the plane, i had their passports and boarding cards, so they were stranded, and it took well over an hour for someone to take me seriously. This all because my Mum uses a wheelchair when travelling.

Anyway, we got to the hotel in 1 piece. Mums wheelchair spent the night at a different hotel mind you as it was unloaded incorrectly from the transfer!

My Grandad then passed away whilst we were there, but we tried to make the most of it. I think that’s what he would have wanted.

Little T was known throughout the hotel and down in the harbour. He managed with the heat incredibly well but isn’t a fan of a shower. He discovered chips and ate them everyday, along with Cyprus sausage, he learnt lots of new words and took lots of walks (not independently yet).

Since being back, I’ve booked Christmas dinner in Leeds, only to be told 20 minutes later, I’m having my MS treatment the week before Christmas and that kinda is the worst timing ever.

Ill be in hospital for 5 days from 17th Dec. Ill be given Lemtrada via infusion over those 5 days. The medication will bind to and destroy my white blood cells so ill be immunocompromised following the treatment. So being in a pub full of people 4 days later isn’t ideal!!!

Mind you, nor is handling strawberries due to the Listeria risk, but you gotta live, so ill be sat in the corner come Christmas day, keeping away from people!!!

I honestly thought after losing 2 babies and doing 9 rounds of IVF, I’d paid my dues, seems that’s not the case!

No rest for the wicked

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Wave of Light 2017

Wave of Light 2017

Today marks the end of babyloss awareness week. For those of us unlucky enough to have experienced babyloss, everyday is awareness day.

It lives with you. Even if you have a sunshine baby (before a loss) and/or rainbow baby (after a loss) you never forget your angel baby/ies.

People expect you to move on, to get over it, but how do you say goodbye to someone you never met? How do you stop wondering what you missed? 

My favourite part of this years campaign has been what to say and what not to say to someone going through babyloss.

The amount of shitty things that were said to me after both losses was insane. I was the one grieving and yet i had to smile and nod at the downright awful and often stupid things people said to me. I was often reminded people were ‘just trying to help’ but they were hurting me even more.

So, here is a list of what NOT to say

  • Everything happens for a reason
  • At least you know you can get pregnant
  • Try not to dwell on it
  • It was early, dont think of it as a baby
  • Its just a heavy period
  • You need to look to the future
  • Its time to move on

Things you SHOULD say/do

  • Im sorry for your loss
  • Its ok to cry
  • Im here for you
  • Use the baby’s name in conversation
  • Dont shy away from talking about the loss
  • I wish i could do more to help
  • The pain will get easier to live with 
  • You need to grieve

So here are my candles for my angels, surrounding my rainbow. They will burn for the next hour as part of the worldwide wave of light.

I also have a more permanent reminder of my angels

Mr Me designed this for me 10 years ago. I kept meaning to get it done but life and IVF and loss got in the way.

After Little T was born I added the colour for Milo and Millie and the 3, for the 3 T’s (me, hubby and little T)

I couldnt be more pleased with it.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

When you realise what you’re missing

When you realise what you’re missing

Its my birthday on Saturday, which means today is the start of Baby Loss Awareness Week. Itll forever more be a bittersweet week for me.

Theres a saying ‘you dont know what youve got til its gone’ which is a great saying that applies to most situations.

Except when you lose babies before having a live one to take home.

The grief is devastating, but you dont really know what you missed out on, until you take home a baby.

I love little T so so much, and to watch him learn and grow gives me so much pleasure. More and more i think about Milo and Millie and how they wouldve developed.

Would their eyes have started blue and changed to a rich brown? 

Would they be dying to sit up? 

What wouldve made them laugh? Or cry? 

Would they have slept through by now? 

I now understand what i lost, what couldve been. Its pretty painful all over again when i think of all the cuddles i missed out on, l the smiles i didnt see. It never goes away, the pain just lessens in severity. 

Loss, at any stage, is just horrific. No parent should ever have to lose a child. More so though, no parent should feel they cant talk about their loss.

In todays society, its still a taboo to mention miscarriage, early or late. Talking about stillborn babies makes people uncomfortable. As such, bereaved parents are made to feel they must just get over it or forget it.

How do you just forget a person? Regardless of gestation, that baby was a person to his/her parents! Should we just forget when a grandparent/parent/aunt/uncle/brother or sister die? No! 

So why is it different when the child is in utero? Put simply, it isnt.

So if you or someone you know loses a baby, talk to them about the loss. Dont worry about upsetting them, they are already heartbroken. 

You are already likely to know someone who has suffered a loss as it happens to 1 in 4 pregnancies. 

All life is precious no matter how fleeting.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Wave of Light 2015.

Today we celebrate all the little lives gone too soon with an International Wave of Light.

All around the world at 7pm, people light a candle for those babies born too soon, or lost in early infancy. The idea is that a wave of light goes round the world.

Tonight i light 3 candles

1 for liitle Milo born sleeping in March 2014.

Another for Millie born sleeping in March 2015

The third for every single baby, every single parent had to say goodbye to, far too soon.


So here are my candles, nestled in amongst my birthday cards from yesterday. My birthday will never feel the same but thats another story!

Fly high my angels, Mummy loves you.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Getting the hang of it….

Getting the hang of it….

As you may recall, we decided to make the year off TTC (trying to conceive), the year of Me and Mr Me. Its taken a fair few months to become truly comfortable with this idea but over the last 6 weeks, I’m thinking less about TTC, IVF, Pregnancy etc and more about how we can live for now.This weekend we went to a family wedding, it was spectacular and we were able to reconnect with family we haven’t seen in years. It was truly a wonderful day and so fantastic to see family all getting along together so well. It was a privilege to be a part of it.

The best man composed a video as part of his speech, lots of photos set to music. Im usually quite hard faced about these things but the combination of watching one of hubby’s cousins moving to be with her daddy whilst she watched this emotional video, combined with hundreds of photos of family, including the bride and grooms growing family, really touched me.

I looked at that cousin moving to her daddy and i wanted that for my hubby. I saw this family growing together and enjoying every moment with their children, grandchildren, niece, what have you and i thought ‘i want that’ and the tears flowed. Luckily most of the room was blubbing too as it was so very well done. I did have words with the best man, in jest, about how i don’t cry for anyone!

We have vowed to make sure we all keep in touch more, starting with a family party next month, I’m so excited to see everyone again, we had such a wonderfully funny time together!!

I’ve just completed my 1st cycle of the pill and i think having that control has allowed me to let go a little of the baby related stuff. Im still acutely aware that May isn’t far off and of the number of things i need to do before heading to Cyprus but they are firmly at the back of my mind for now, whilst i concentrate on living in the moment. I know its a little weird for someone with a 1% chance of getting pregnant naturally, who has been trying for 7 years and been through loads of IVF to do, go on the pill i mean. Personally i think it quite weak of me, I’m too weak to face the idea of another pregnancy just now and i wish i were stronger, braver, everything everyone tells me i am but I’m not and i just needed something to give me peace of mind. Its worked so ill stick with it for now.

This weekend and the months leading up to it have made me realise how on hold our lives have been. We’ve spent 6 years planning/hoping for a pregnancy, or to be in treatment, or to be giving birth. And well, lets face it, nothing has worked out so far, so sod it. We are living for us until April next year, doing whatever, whenever.

With that in mind, I’m so so excited, as I’ve booked a weekend away at Disneyland Paris for our wedding anniversary. Its something I’ve wanted to do for years but always felt it was something we should wait for a baby before doing! However seeing the new DLP advert for grown ups coupled with my new attitude made me go for it.

Normally id find spending that much money too much of an indulgence, selfish really, but I’m challenging myself on this more and more. Sadly we don’t have kids to pay for, plan for, etc and so why not do the things now we wont be able to do for a few years.

Im sick of saying “when we have baby we can do xyz”, i need to live a little, let my hair down and remember there is more to life than just TTC and IVF.

Its quite a liberating feeling, although I’m sure ill suffer expense guilt when I’m trying to sleep. Ah well, can always make more money, memories are priceless. We are staying in a Disney hotel and everything, I’m just like a child, already super excited! Poor hubby come the actual day, ill be bouncing off the walls! 

This week is babyloss awareness week and i know I’ve already posted so much on the subject but its something that means a hell of a lot to me. It gives people the opportunity to talk candidly about pregnancy and infant loss, in which ever form it may have happened – miscarriage, termination for medical reasons, still birth, pre term labour and so on. Its a week dedicated to all those lost children, those perfect souls taken too soon. This is soo soo important to me, we need to talk about this, to break the taboo.



So once again, i urge you to repost, reblog, retweet, share and talk about this blog. Not just this week, but whenever the feeling takes you. If you read something you like, if i strike a chord, if i say something you think may help someone else, share this. I want my story to be known, to offer hope to others, to show the world there is life after bereavement, infertility and all the struggles associated with that, but I also want it know that it is a struggle, its isolating and its kept too quiet.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx