Tag: bad parent

Cruising

Cruising

Little T is developing so quickly at the moment. He’s now starting to hold the furniture and cruise about. He doesnt stand independently yet but we are not far off.

He also said his first word ‘Cat’. Every time he sees one, regardless of whether its ours, someone else’s or a picture, he says it.

He can also say ‘Daddy’ now too, although he says ‘Cat’ more. He says it all dam day to be honest. He shouted it so much at lunch time the other day, the cat actually came downstairs!!!

He is teething too, molars apparently, and its hard work. He isn’t sleeping before 10pm, and for 2 nights we’ve had to drive to get him down. I was out til 1.30am one night.

That has coincided with me suffering major fatigue. I wake up exhausted and am exhausted all day. Its an MS symptom so hopefully it won’t last, in fact i have felt better today, but during the spell, my patience wore thin and i found Little T’s whining very hard to cope with. Pretty sure i said ‘f**k me, what now’ under my breath about a hundred times over the last few days!

I felt like a terrible parent, ill be honest. I usually find him so easy to cope with, but i wasnt managing. The late nights and early starts and the fatigue, were just too much.

Im glad to say today was easier though.

Little T looking very tired!!!

Having said all that, I’m almost 100% certain i want another baby. Not now, but in a couple of years, I’m not sure its doable as I’ve no idea what the side effects of the MS drugs will be. I’m loathe to read up on it as, to be honest, i don’t wanna know. I’ll deal with it when it happens. At least i can tell my MS doctor in September that another baby is on the cards, unless the side effects make that impossible/unfair to another baby and Little T.

I had my repeat MRI, this time with dye, not so long ago. I had a strange experience during it. It felt like i was rocking back and forth, so much so, i had to check with the technician that i wasn’t, after the scan. My fingers also went numb/tingly, but that happens quite a lot at the moment, so I’m probably experiencing an episode. Pins and needles i can deal with, so long as i don’t start slurring again!

Ive a GP appointment next week as i need to take vitamin D to up my levels, so that’ll be 4 medications a month im taking. Thank you NHS for doing pre paid prescription certificates, they will save me a fortune!!

Im counting the weeks to our Cyprus holiday (8.5 weeks). Im so excited to show off Little T, I’ve had a romper made especially for the visit to our clinic…

Made by https://www.facebook.com/babsandmoo/

I’m looking forward to sun, relaxation (thanks to my Mum and brother coming) and walking around Kyrenia again. I love the place, and it’ll be nice to be able to enjoy the pool, and alcohol, for the entire holiday, as no IVF will be taking place!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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This is why i dont….

This is why i dont….

Today has been hard, Little T has been and continues to be so fussy at the bottle. He takes a few sucks, cries and spits it out and then screams bloody murder for it back again and the cycle repeats. Ive tried new bottles, new milk, faster flowing teats. Nothing settles him.

I feel like a failure. Like he hates me. Hes an angel for and around other people, including Mr Me but i feel like i just cant get it right.

Its soul destroying. Hes moany and whiney and i have less patience than i expected. Apparently i used up all my reserves going through IVF.

I feel like i shouldnt complain. I waited 8 years for this. I paid so much and lost so much. And now im shit at it. I cant settle him. I feel shit. 

Hes no routine to speak of. He eats when he wants, sleeps when he wants and seems to scream inbetween times. Its bloody hard and i dont know what im doing wrong.

The occassions that hes a shit biscuit (hard work but super sweet hence shit biscuit) for Mr Me serve to remind me its not just me. He can be a shit for others. But mostly its reserved for me, hes all smiles when Daddy walks in

Those 5 minutes of contentment, or when he sleeps on me or beams are me, make it worth it but at times i just feel im not cut out for this.

Talk keeps turning to whether we will have another. Im 10 weeks in so no idea how im meant to know at this point god alone knows. But my answer makes me feel guilty. Its a resounding NO right now. The thought of a new born and toddler is terrifying. Im barely managing as it is. But theres 5 potential babies frozen in Cyprus and the guilt of not giving them a chance combined with knowing how lucky we are to even have Frosties is overwhelming.

I loved pregnancy, til the end, i dreamed of a big family and dont like the idea of Little T not having a sibling, but the thought of doing this again but with a walking, talking, little person in tow just fills me with dread. I hate myself for feeling this way.

On a different note…The way i look has gotten me to the point, where for the first time ever, i want to exercise. I downloaded an app that promises maximum results with minimal effort, “7 minutes a day of HIIT for a fitter, lighter version of you.” I bought active wear and everything to help me commit. I was excited to start. And i did it. All 13 exercises. The last one being star jumps. I was hot sweaty and exhausted, but so close. So i started jumping…and, promptly wet myself!!!!! THIS IS WHY I DONT EXERCISE. I have no pelvic floor it seems. I wasnt even aware it was happening….until i felt very wet. Pass the Tena Lady….no wonder you get free samples in after birth gift packs!! (Ive since replaced star jumps with additional abdo crunches and no more accidents) 

FML 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx