Tag: christmas

Holidays and Hospital Stays

Holidays and Hospital Stays

Last week we got back from 10 days in Northern Cyprus. We had a lovely time, Little T, particularly so!

The flights over were fine, but the layover in Istanbul was beyond stressful. Mum and my Bro went missing as we were separated getting off the plane, i had their passports and boarding cards, so they were stranded, and it took well over an hour for someone to take me seriously. This all because my Mum uses a wheelchair when travelling.

Anyway, we got to the hotel in 1 piece. Mums wheelchair spent the night at a different hotel mind you as it was unloaded incorrectly from the transfer!

My Grandad then passed away whilst we were there, but we tried to make the most of it. I think that’s what he would have wanted.

Little T was known throughout the hotel and down in the harbour. He managed with the heat incredibly well but isn’t a fan of a shower. He discovered chips and ate them everyday, along with Cyprus sausage, he learnt lots of new words and took lots of walks (not independently yet).

Since being back, I’ve booked Christmas dinner in Leeds, only to be told 20 minutes later, I’m having my MS treatment the week before Christmas and that kinda is the worst timing ever.

Ill be in hospital for 5 days from 17th Dec. Ill be given Lemtrada via infusion over those 5 days. The medication will bind to and destroy my white blood cells so ill be immunocompromised following the treatment. So being in a pub full of people 4 days later isn’t ideal!!!

Mind you, nor is handling strawberries due to the Listeria risk, but you gotta live, so ill be sat in the corner come Christmas day, keeping away from people!!!

I honestly thought after losing 2 babies and doing 9 rounds of IVF, I’d paid my dues, seems that’s not the case!

No rest for the wicked

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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Guilt

Guilt

I feel a lot of guilt. 

Mummy guilt…am i doing enough to stimulate him, does he watch too much TV, is he bored? Am i keeping him warm enough/cool enough, is he happy? Am i feeding him the right food? 

All in all this guilt i think is normal for any parent and i try not to let it ruin my day, but in the middle of the night, it eats away at me.

Sibling guilt. I dont want to try for another baby. I feel like, in the IVF world, im the only person who doesnt want another baby. Im too scared of another loss, Little T has escaped his Dad’s blood condition and my asthma, hes perfect, i like my life how it is. I dont think i could manage a newborn and a toddler. All legit reasons. But i feel guilty anyway. Like i should want another baby, that i should give Little T a sibling. I feel selfish and i hate that.

Infertility guilt. Christmas is tomorrow. For the first time in a decade, i dont feel an overwhelming sense of sadness, for the first time in a long time, we have a tree and decorations. I dont need to hide away, i dont feel angry at the world. I dont feel broken

But i do feel guilty. I feel guilty because i know so many other people who havent got their baby yet, i know this time of year is horrific for them. I feel guilty because i remember it all too well.

I feel guilty because it happened for me and not them

I know i went through the mill to get Little T, that i deserve to be happy, but once you suffer infertility, i think ot stays with you for life. I feel guilty for feeling jealous when someone announces a pregnancy. I dont even want another baby. But im still jealous. Infertilility is life long.

So, for those of you lucky enough to have all your dreams come true, enjoy tomorrow, cherish every moment. 

For those of you still waiting, do what you have to just to get through it. Hide, drink, rant, rave, avoid whatever hurts you. Dont worry about letting people down, theyll forgive you.

Merry Christmas

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Not always the Most Wonderful Time of Year

Not always the Most Wonderful Time of Year

The last week or so has been a fairly calm one, for me anyway, im always a bit anxious. Having seen a healthy heart, i can now believe it when the midwife uses the Doppler at my weekly appointments. The midwife also keeps feeling my tummy with her VERY cold hands so i asked what she was doing. She is feeling my uterus and showed me where the top is, its a bit higher than it should be, so im measuring 20 weeks instead of 17 at the moment. Its hardly a big shock though, i know im huge!

Baby is also moving a fair bit now, however when i have quiet days, my anxiety spikes again. We have progressed from pops – basically started the same evening i paid for a reassurance scan – cheeky baby. We then went to flutters, which is mainly what im feeling now but i also get the occasional nudge too. Baby still has loads of room, so sometimes i get a lot and other days, barely anything. i think i felt baby roll over last night when i was in bed too.

Movement is my favourite thing about being pregnant, its such a magical feeling and really cements that there is actually a little person in there.

We are fast approaching the ‘scary week’. Week 21. I can feel myself getting quite anxious about it already but i try to think about other things when this happens. The pregnancy is now speeding up and i do wonder how much longer I’ve got. I cant think about the end or having a take home baby as that still seems crazy far away, but losing the baby is fairly prevalent in my mind.

Xmas is fast approaching, in fact, its 2 days away and my Facebook is filled with babies dressed in xmas outfits and a fair few birth announcements too (congratulations to you all by the way). Its still hard. Im still jealous.

Even though im pregnant, it still stings to see these happy families. I think even if Milo and Millie were with us, id still feel a pang of jealousy, but as it is, over the years, ive grown to hate Christmas. Its all about family and kids. I have so desperately wanted that for so many years that i find the whole season unbearable. (not to mention the commercialism or the fact that it starts in September now). Ive been pregnant for 3 of the last 4 Christmases, and as yet have nothing to show for it.

Im very lucky in that i have some very very sensitive friends, who think of people like me at this time of year and try not to go overboard with the baby stuff, but i feel bad for them, as the majority of these people struggled, why shouldn’t they show off their little miracles?  Those that haven’t struggled, well why would they think twice about posting about their kids at this very special time of year?

So we infertiles sit in the shadows, broody and sulking but outwardly trying to join in, trying to smile and laugh along with the rest of them whilst we fight our own private battle. As i type i have an xmas jumper and xmas socks and xmas nails, so i fit in and dont come across too Grinch link, but at my home, well you wouldn’t know its xmas.

We have no tree up, no decorations or twinkly fairy lights. the wrapped presents are stacked in a corner, out of sight. Everyone assures us that ‘next year will be different’ and i truly hope that they are right, i really do. If its not though, i wont be in the country next xmas, i will be on a beach somewhere, drinking a cocktail, trying to forget.

So to all of you still waiting on your miracle, i salute you, i know the next few days wont be easy.

To those of you that have your baby’s, enjoy every second with them, make the most of this special time of year, dress them up, make them laugh, spoil them. i know i will when its my turn.

Merry Xmas

Lots of Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

sad-xmas-tree

Turkey, tinsel and a tinge of sadness

Turkey, tinsel and a tinge of sadness

The christmas period has been and gone and I’m left reflecting over it all.

When last i left you, i was visiting the GP because of my weird ear thing, turns out i have developed vertigo! Didn’t actually realise you could get it just walking around, but there we are!!
I was given some meds to help stabilise it, and panic set in. What if taking the meds could cause another defect to my rainbow bean….

I didn’t think i would worry over such a thing, but clearly, I’m more worried than I’ve been letting on. I sought reassurance from a few groups of people, but no one really understood where i was coming from. However, the symptoms became unmanageable so i had no choice but to follow the instructions and hope for the best. This has led to 2 days off work as i was unable to move my head without feeling dizzy and unsteady.

Christmas day arrived, I’m usually a bit of a kid, i love presents and hubby usually gets me loads to open. This year was different, we spent our pennies on everyone else, we didn’t get each other gifts. We have the rainbow baby(ies) on board and that seemed the best excuse not to buy anything. Honestly though, i just couldn’t think of anything i wanted more than Milo.

Im outwardly very positive, but as christmas approached, I’ve missed my little boy a lot. I haven’t been able to help myself but think of what could of been. A luxury i normally do not allow myself. He’d of been 5 months now, and of course would have no idea of what was happening, but i think he would of liked the twinkly lights, and we could have dressed him as a christmas pudding to delight the family…..

Instead we spent the day with my in-laws, Milo wasn’t mentioned and the new baby avoided….i think this was an attempt as to not to upset us or spoil the festive mood, in their own way they were being kind, i know that, but i have been feeling lately that many people have forgotten the hell we went through just 9 short months ago, and this compounded that. Conversely, i read on my forum about a lady who’s mother in law had brought up their angel grandchild and talked of how they missed her, I’m ashamed to say it, but i was jealous, i wish my extended family had made mention of my angel, as he was all of ours. Not just mine and hubby’s.

My Mum, on the other hand, has learnt to follow my lead and so we talk of little Milo quite openly and as we spent christmas night with her, we were able to think of him without restriction. She is also quite excited for the new pregnancy, despite my pleas for her to curb her enthusiasm just now. Im not ready to make plans, and won’t be until we get the all clear at the 20 week scan.
This is not me being negative, its just protection, my brain will not allow me to think more than a week ahead. My TFMR Rainbow Mummies will understand this reaction all too well as will any rainbow mummy reading i imagine.
My friends that are currently pregnant with me, and others around me all talk of how different next christmas will be, i smile and nod, but i remember saying all of this last christmas, I’m not ready to believe just yet. We haven’t even had the early scan, never mind the fact that it’ll be another 12 weeks before we know for sure whether we have a healthy kidney bean (baby’s size at current gestation) on board. So for now i ask that we don’t plan for the future, but take each day as it comes, enjoy the moment, because we don’t know how many we have.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx