Tag: control

An admission

I feel like a fool, after my panic blog on Friday, i came on that very evening. And so far, its a normal period, no cause for concern. Idiot.

If im really honest with myself, ive really struggled this week. Ive found it hard to concentrate at work, and by the time i leave i can feel my mind begin to race, the anxiety build, the weight on my chest increase, until at around 8pm, it climaxes with me basically feeling like im losing my mind. Im serious. Its a bit frightening at times amd lasts the rest of the evening. 

The way to explain it, i hope, is to say I’M out of control, not that i have no control on the situation but that i have no control over myself and my thoughts.

Instead of a train of thought, i have train stops of thought, stop at 1 for a few moments, then race off with no idea of direction until i stop at the next station. When its really bad, its more like a squash ball in a squash court, one that never loses inertia, and just bounces off the wall over and over again. 

Ive not been sleeping well, i cannot calm my mind, i have heart palpatations, have to take deep breaths regularly as i feel like i cant get enough oxygen and im antsy! Even now im struggling to form sentences.

Ive contacted TM about going on the pill ASAP. IF my cycles are causing this out of control feeling, i can at least take charge of it, and feel like i have some sort of control over the cycle rather than second guessing everything. I do want the teams input though, as i know they will be honest and give me both sides of the argument, but this has been causing me stress since my miscarriage.

However, M has pointed out that the only thing that has really changed this week is my counselling homework; exploring my feelings for Millie in the 9 days before we lost her. I havent, as yet, consciously sat down and thought about this, however M points out, and probably rightly so, that unconsciously im probably reliving those 9 days, whilst also knowing how it ends. She’s more than likely right, and that in itself is scary, without thinking about it, my mind is losing what cohesion it had, so when i do actually think it over, what then? 

My next counselling session isnt until wednesday which feels forever away right now. 

This is tough. I cant even write anymore as i dont know how to say what i want to and its making me feel more anxious and squash ball like.

Ill leave it there.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

things can only get better….right?! 

things can only get better….right?! 

Ok so I’m 2 weeks in to using the antidepressants, i wasn’t expecting much as i opted for the lower dose, and its good that i had low expectations, as they really are doing sweet F.A. Well no, thats not fair, they are giving me a slight lift. I know this as i can feel myself ‘coming down’ when the affects wear off. They are not dampening my anxiety though, i struggled round the supermarket again, even though hubby was there. They are in no way allowing me to access my feelings surrounding Millie, but then i guess only counselling will help with that.The last few days have been tough. My eating has dropped to practically zero. Im getting no more than 600-800 calories a day. I have no appetite. The thought of food makes me nauseated. I shake like a leaf most of the time. Im weak and achey. I feel like s**t if I’m honest. This annoys me as really there is only me to blame, i try really hard to eat, i really do, but it holds no interest and I’m full within a few bites. Ive spent the weekend vomiting, even water, its not pleasant.

My Mum told me that she feels guilty she hasn’t been able to support me of late, my Gran has been in hospital/unwell pretty much since we lost Millie and my Mum adores her Mum. Its the way we operate as a family, deal with the crisis in hand, and come back to the emotions later. Im not mad about it, I’ve just kept myself away from the situation because to be honest, i don’t have the capacity for it right now. I hope they understand why I’m keeping to myself. Don’t get me wrong, i talk to them 5 days out of 7 so I’m kept abreast of all the happenings, i do care, i just cant get myself embroiled with it all right now.

Im still very content in my 4 walls, which isn’t like me, Netflix has become new best friend. Its worrying really as I’m quite the social creature normally. I have seen a few friends over the weekend, which was nice, especially seeing M (my friend who got pregnant the same day as me) in all her bumpalicious glory. It was the first time we had seen each other since my loss, but it went well, i wasn’t jealous, or sad, or anything really. I was just pleased to see her and her hubby. She was telling me all about the third trimester and man it does not sound fun, at all!!!! Im so grateful to have them in my life and that the whole mess that is my life hasn’t affected our friendship. Shes a good egg.

Back at the GP later this week to extend my sick note and discuss the meds, hopefully an adjustment will help across the board.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx