Tag: crying

Rainbows and Tears

We were invited to a Rainbow Tea Party at the hospital last weekend.

I wanted to go, to show off Little T, and thank the people that cared for us so well. However, i hate that place.

The night before, i relived all 3 births, in stunning clarity. I felt the same anxiety as normal when we arrived, had to follow my usual pattern of having a coffee (which has changed from Costa to Starbucks, yuk)

I still dont like the place but it was a nice afternoon and im proud we are part of the 2017 Rainbows

Rainbow Tea Party

Today has been a hard ass day, Little T has cried or whined all day. I dont know why. I dont think he knows why. He is usually a delight but today nothing pleases his lordship.

We went to the park to play on the swings since he loves it and he fell asleep on the way home and even tolerated being moved so im thinking hes poorly!!!

I planned to meet some friends for a drink but he really isnt in the mood and i dont think he would settle in a public space.

So im waiting on Mr Me so i can have a glass of wine and a long shower….an hour and counting.

3 seconds of silence provided by the washing basket

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Hormones….or something else?

Hormones….or something else?

Little T is 4 weeks old tomorrow. 4 weeks!!!! 

Our lives have totally changed in those 4 weeks. Absolutely for the better. 8 years of graft, hope, hurt and tears have come to fruition and we have created a beautiful little person. Who, as i type, is screaming and has done, on and off, for 3 hours after being a dream in front of people all day.

He is worth the sleep deprivation, the pain, the piles 🤢, and i wouldnt change him for the world.

But today i realised something. Im struggling with jealousy.

There have been a couple of pregnancy announcements in the last few days, and despite having a 4 week old, im jealous. Its the same old story, i cant just make a baby, need to plan a trip abroad blah blah. And its not that im not happy with my baby, it just reminds me of what i cant do and that i may never give Little T a sibling.

Im also jealous of Mr Me. He is totally 100% in love with Little T. He told me how he aches for him when hes at work. Im not there yet, yeah ok, im with him 19+ hrs a day so dont really have chance to miss him yet (although i did today, despite being in his presence, Mr Me or our friends had hold of Little T all day and i did miss cuddles, of course as soon as i get chance for cuddles, he gets grouchy. Go figure) but i feel inadequate. Despite knowing its pretty normal, i feel like im failing as a Mum/Parent. Id do anything for the little guy, id protect him to the end of time and he only has to squeal and im there, but im not IN love. Not yet. And i feel like i should be. I do love him. Especially when he looks like this…

The other thing ive realised is that im jealous that Mr Me loves Little T, so much

Dont get me wrong, its exactly as it should be, but he now looks at the baby the way he used to look at me. His focus is split between us, again, as it should be, but i miss the attention

Mr Me is my best friend, its been him and me against the world for 13 years. We have been through the WORST of times together and always come out the other side stronger. Now here we are going through the BEST of times and i feel like hes slipping away. I think most of these feelings can be blamed on sleep deprivation, everything is magnified when you are tired. In the past 4 weeks, Mr Me and I have gone to bed at the same time, twice. One of those times was last night. He didnt kiss me as we settled down. Simply due to being exhausted, nothing was meant by it. But it broke my heart. I couldnt sleep. I felt a massive sense of forboding. I cant explain why.

We have talked about this briefly. Mr Me has assured me he loves me just as much as he did 4 weeks ago, and that we both have enough love for each other to love another person. We both agree we have no idea how to deal with this but that we will. I feel pathetic. Jealous of my husband loving our son, i mean, really? Isnt this typically how the partner feels? Not the mother? 

As i say its partly about how in love with Little T he is, and im just not, yet and partly because i feel him slipping away. Whatever it is its making me teary. The ice queen is melting. Mr Me worries its the start of PND which i think scares him a lot. I think its maybe delayed baby blues? Ill mention it to a health professional at my next appointment but perhaps i just need to draft in a Grandma so we can go out for a few hours as a couple and not as parents. I just didnt think id be feeling this way 4 weeks in

I sound so bitter and ungrateful. Im truly not. Im just adjusting to no sleep, less food, Mr Me and I being ships that pass in the night and caring for a newborn

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

I wish i could cry…

I wish i could cry…

Im not a crier, never have been really. Getting angry makes me cry but i dont tend to cry with sadness or happiness.

But you know how they say a good cry is cathartic? I feel its what i need right now.
Ive never really cried over the losses, maybe a 10 minute cry hear or there but i never sat and sobbed for hours. It just never came over me. With Milo i cried mostly before he was born, Millie, maybe once the day after.

I cant really articulate how i feel right now but i feel a good cry would help. Ive never really got upset over our situation, choosing instead to plow on regardless, but when i tell others my story they tear up almost straight away.

Im not one for feeling sorry for myself though, probably because it seems a bit selfish in my warped mind. Gotta love a scarring childhood experience eh? I was told i was selfish at 15 and it really stuck with me. Ive done everything i can since then to not be selfish. I see weird things as being selfish now and put everyone ahead of myself. Its something my counsellor gets annoyed at me for fairly often.

Anyway, i wish i could cry, let out this feeling, whatever it is. Its weighing heavy on me but i cant articulate it to work through it.

I. Just. Want. To. Cry.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx