Tag: Cyprus

Holidays and Hospital Stays

Holidays and Hospital Stays

Last week we got back from 10 days in Northern Cyprus. We had a lovely time, Little T, particularly so!

The flights over were fine, but the layover in Istanbul was beyond stressful. Mum and my Bro went missing as we were separated getting off the plane, i had their passports and boarding cards, so they were stranded, and it took well over an hour for someone to take me seriously. This all because my Mum uses a wheelchair when travelling.

Anyway, we got to the hotel in 1 piece. Mums wheelchair spent the night at a different hotel mind you as it was unloaded incorrectly from the transfer!

My Grandad then passed away whilst we were there, but we tried to make the most of it. I think that’s what he would have wanted.

Little T was known throughout the hotel and down in the harbour. He managed with the heat incredibly well but isn’t a fan of a shower. He discovered chips and ate them everyday, along with Cyprus sausage, he learnt lots of new words and took lots of walks (not independently yet).

Since being back, I’ve booked Christmas dinner in Leeds, only to be told 20 minutes later, I’m having my MS treatment the week before Christmas and that kinda is the worst timing ever.

Ill be in hospital for 5 days from 17th Dec. Ill be given Lemtrada via infusion over those 5 days. The medication will bind to and destroy my white blood cells so ill be immunocompromised following the treatment. So being in a pub full of people 4 days later isn’t ideal!!!

Mind you, nor is handling strawberries due to the Listeria risk, but you gotta live, so ill be sat in the corner come Christmas day, keeping away from people!!!

I honestly thought after losing 2 babies and doing 9 rounds of IVF, I’d paid my dues, seems that’s not the case!

No rest for the wicked

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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A date with L

A date with L

My appointment with the MS consultant was actually today, not tomorrow, thank god i checked my diary…

I’m going to be treated with the Lemtrada, the drug that sounds horrific.

It could stabilise me for up to 12 years though.

I will be able to try getting pregnant again in a couple of years.

I’ll likely start treatment in November/December as i have a trip to Seville booked early November.

The drug will essentially wipe out my immune system, ill need lots of post treatment meds, antibiotics and anti virals for example, for a fair while after the 5 day stint in hospital.

Ill be very fatigued during and for a few weeks after the treatment as it’ll break down my T and B cells, and all the chemicals from inside the cells will enter my blood stream

I will be able to have my 4 weekly blood tests locally which is a small bonus.

I can still have an alcoholic drink, but not too much before blood tests as it’ll mess with my enzyme levels.

Ill probably need another MRI before commencing treatment and have to keep my Dr up to date with any relapses.

So, there it is. Next 4 years of my life planned out, probably a rubbish Christmas, at risk of picking up everything due to a suppressed immune system. Excellent.

Been advised to avoid forums, won’t be an issue as i just want to deal with what comes, as it comes.

Going to be difficult, but when is life easy?

At least i can enjoy Cyprus and Seville and theres a plan in place, and i do like a plan!!!

Oh, and i need to stop vaping before the treatment!! #myonlyvice

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Reconciliation

Reconciliation

How do you reconcile being broody versus having MS?

How do you know its not just jealousy? There have been a fair few pregnancy announcements of late.

How do you know when the time is right to try again?

My head’s a mess. I really do want another baby. Sensible me thinks i should wait, my heart doesn’t think it can take it.

If i start MS meds, i have to be med free for a year before doing IVF again.

The longing for another pregnancy and baby is overwhelming at the moment. The idea of waiting another 18 months at least, scares me, the thought of feeling like this for that time is miserable.

I worry i won’t manage with 2, practical stuff i can sort, but the idea of Little T fighting with his sibling scares me.

I worry Little T will be jealous, but i worry he will be lonely.

Its a complete head fcuk.

My main problem is lack of information. I don’t know if i should start meds and then have a break and then IVF, or whether its easier to try again sooner rather than later, then start meds after a potential pregnancy.

I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, the NHS or my consultant (who is sourcing my medication). The problem is, I’m not seeing my consultant again until after we have been to Cyprus, which would be a prime opportunity to do FET (frozen embryo transfer)

Doesn’t help that my body is being weird, namely longer periods and random aches in the uterus area. I think its all in my head to be honest but its just messing with me.

Why does this have to be so hard?!!!!

I’m so back and forth

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Dumbass

Dumbass

Im so stupid, i mentioned on a competition on Facebook that we are planning to IVF again before blogging it.

So, we are planning a Frozen Embryo Transfer in September. I’m on holiday in North Cyprus anyway so makes sense to give it a go!

If it works, Little T will be just 2 when the new one arrives. Gulp! But people manage, and so will we.

I’ve 5 frozen and the plan is to defrost all of them and put best 2 back. This will stop me trying again and again. I don’t want IVF to take over again.

The bump envy won’t go away, even labour stories were making me jealous, but now we have made a decision, i feel at ease, peaceful almost and excited!

I’m excited to love another little person and give T a playmate. I also know that if it doesn’t work, T is meant to be an only child who we can spoil endlessly. Win win really.

Not getting any younger and biological clock is ticking away. I’m also being investigated for MS which has pushed my timeline up. That’s another story though.

So…big news

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Private Scan

Private Scan

Today i had the private scan at 6+4 which i booked as soon as i got pregnant.

We could see a bit more today. Not much more but it was abdominal rather than internal/dildo cam! Woohoo!! 

As you may remember i was hoping for a funny looking thing….well, someone spotted this….

Baby Stormtrooper!!!! 

Heres a few other pictures too

Seeing the echocardiogram was pretty fantastic.

Im still a bit of a robot, but Mr Me had a little tear in his eye when he spotted the heart fluttering.

Baby stormtrooper is growing rapidly, CRL on Tuesday was 5.9mm and today was 9mm!!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Very early scan

After the little bleed yesterday, i just had my scan and im relieved to announce we have 1 baby on board with a heartbeat and measuring 6+2.

No picture, not much to see anyway but all is well. Having a private scan on Thursday and may see more as the equipment will be better.

They could see some movement under the gestational sac which may have caused the bleed so need to keep an eye.

Im back in EPU right now for review i think…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

I had THE dream

I had THE dream

6 weeks 1 day

My symptoms are still only minimal, eating, weight gain (6.25lbs since Cyprus) and vivid dreams.

Last night i had the dream i was hoping i wouldnt have. The one where it all went wrong.

I had gone in for my 12 week scan. It was performed by my bereavement midwife, in a corridor on the feotal medicine unit. She asked how many scans i had had so far. For some reason i answered 5, but then corrected myself and said 1 (the 6+4 scan that im due on Thursday). I was stood up for the scan weirdley. Very quickly she told me baby was poorly and that we needed to terminate. Then i was sent home for 5 days.

During those 5 days i rang up to ask what was wrong with her (baby was a girl) to be told a very complicated name which i couldnt spell so couldnt google. We went back to hospital still none the wiser, and my bereavement nurse said, all cheery like “shall we get started then?”. At this point i broke down as i had no clue what was happening. I was told baby had too much fluid on her brain and that we had to end the pregnancy.

I begged and pleaded for another scan, a second opinion. As i was distraught, they put me in a broom cupboard?! Mr Me went to work. I ranted and raved in my cupboard. Heartbroken and devestated. 

Then the broom cupboard was an office and i was at work. A family member of someone we support was there and also had to TFMR (Terminate for Medical Reasons). Shes in her 60’s but i helped deliver her baby, from her leg. The baby lived for some time and for some reason i had to keep hold of her until she passed.

Then i was back in the broom cupboard. I couldnt do it again, i kept telling everyone i couldnt but they didnt care. Mr Me didnt care. I was begging them to let me carry on with the pregnancy, to try and understand what it must be like for me, why i couldnt face it again. They eventually agreed to let a consultant scan me….and thats when i woke up.

I knew it was a dream as i was having it, Mr Me and the bereavement midwife wouldnt have behaved the way they did for a start. Even whilst i was dreaming it i was thinking “oh you are having THE dream” 

Despite knowing it was a dream; its still my worst nightmare and i had to go through it. Clearly im more anxious about this pregnancy than my consciencious self is acknowledging. Im glad of the protection my brain is giving me as trying to get through each day feeling like i did in the dream would be hell.

I think thats probably why i had the dream actually, ive not been enjoying the numb state the last couple of days, this dream serves as a reminder as to why i need to be numb right now.

Im glad i dont put too much stock in dreams as this could scare the s**t out of me if i did.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Longest. Pregnancy. Ever.

Longest. Pregnancy. Ever.

The problem with IVF pregnancies is you find out really early. The problem with early testing is you find out even earlier! 

I found out at 3w 6d and im now 5w 3d. It feels like ive been pregnant 3 months already.

Weeks 4 to 6 are ever so dull as you have no symptoms so its like being in limbo. The wait for the early scan is equally monotonous. 8 more sleeps feels like 8 more years. You spend most of the 1st trimester wishing your life away and then suddenly youre 12 weeks and then you wake up the next day and you are 20 weeks. Its all very odd.

Being cometely numb to it all isnt helping with that either. However my counsellor says my ’emotional break’ is very healthy. Over the last few years i have been (with Mr Me) to the extreme of every emotion and back again. Its been exhausting. So my counsellor thinks its nice im having a break from all that even if it does feel very strange. She thinks its healthy and thatll do for me. I wont worry myself over this too much.

My only real symptom is the vivid dreaming and night peeing. Hence being awake at 5.30am. The vivid dreams range from nice to nasty to downright weird. What does seem to be a recurring theme  though, are my 6th form friends.

I havent spoken to many of them in 13/14 years. I left 6th form at 18 somewhat under a black cloud due to being bullied in my final year and a year later i moved to Manchester, whereas they stayed in my home town and kept up thier friendships.

Its a shame really as they were a bunch of rather nice people. Last time i saw them was at M&G’s wedding. It was all a bit awkward though. Something i regret really but i wasnt then who i am now. Wasnt as strong or confident in myself. I wish there was a way to get us all together again to repair those friendships but perhaps too much time has passed? Anyhow my subconcious is very keen to bring them up over and over and as i dont know much about dream interpretation, im going with literal meaning.

Hopefully getting all this down means i can have another kip before work.

Night! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Final Cycle – Day 30

Final Cycle – Day 30

Official Test Day.

We made it at last. Bloods drawn at 9am by a very lovely doctor and results at 3pm.

Hcg level 561.5 at 12 days past a 5 day transfer.

Lovely strong number! With Millie it was 814 and she was a singleton at the scan at 9 weeks 4 days so my anxiety regarding triplets and quads is slightly relieved.

Of course, numbers dont tell all but im feeling much calmer than i have been.

Its still not real though!!!! Im still not accepting im pregnant. Im doing everything a pregnant woman should, i.e. looking after myself but its just not hit me yet, im pregnant. Again.

Team Miracle have been brilliantly supportive as usual and are looking forward to scan pics….from what ive seen baby may look like a caterpillar at 6 weeks-ish but if people want pics, i will oblige.

So thats it folks. Thats a short protocol ICSI cycle with PGD and EmbryoScope. 

Done in 30 days. Not too long really but wow what a journey. I just want to thank EVERY SINGLE ONE of you for reading, cheering me on, sending encouragement and love from afar. I had no idea how many people keep up to date with my journey and its simply overwhelming.

I hope ive kept you entertained and that maybe you learnt something new or feel better about the process if you are about to embark on your own journey.

I will be blogging throughout my pregnancy, and of course if you cant follow me anymore, i totally get it. I had to stop reading pregnancy blogs for a while. Its hard when you feel it should be you and its not.

Thank you all so much again though, and lets see what pregnancy has in store for Mr Me and I this time.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx 

Final Cycle – Day 29

Final Cycle – Day 29

11dp5dt or 16dpo

Today is the day i wanted to test originally so at 6.30am i once again pee’d on a stick

Definitley pregnant!!! 

This is the comparison photo from Saturday night to this morning

Tomorrow is actually Official Test Day where i will have bloods done and get a figure for the amount of Hcg in my system (thats the pregnancy hormone) . Not that the number will tell us anything other than im pregnant.

With Millie my hcg was 814, a friend of mine had her result come in at 130 something and she’s having twins, so numbers mean nothing. Itll be fun to compare and speculate however.

My early scan is booked for when i am 6 weeks and 4 days, today i am 4 weeks and 2 days.

I will be honest, as always, if more than 2 embryos have implanted, i will be opting for foetal reduction. Ill cross that bridge if we come to it and discuss my reasoning for this at that time.

Its really not like me to test early but over the course of Saturday, i was tying myself up in knots, going round and round in my head thinking it had and hadnt worked. Trying to deal with emotions i had no idea if i needed to deal with. In short it was tearing me apart and Mr Me couldnt bear to see me like that so eventually told me to do it so we knew what we were dealing with.

The 2 week wait is always tough but it REALLY got to me this time round. Possibly because i knew it was my last chance or just because 6 previous 2 week waits really dont prepare you for another. Who knows? It all worked out in the end.

Im still finding it a bit surreal, its not sunk in yet still. Im calm and positive though. The ‘fear’ hasnt hit me i.e. will we make it to term, will i have to terminate again, am i going to lose this pregnancy? 

Im just soooooo pleased that cycle 9 worked. Im so happy i am ABLE to get pregnant again as i was doubting it. Im excited for my bump, to wear maternity clothes, to feel wonderfully well and like im special and part of a secret club.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx