Tag: depression in pregnancy

Moving on up

Moving on up

We finally have a move date!!! We get the keys after the bank holiday, 11 days before my induction. Talk about pushing it.

We found out Tuesday we would be moving in 7 days!!! Thankfully i perform well under pressure and have arranged the removal firm who will also pack, contacted near enough everyone about change of address, arranged for utilities to be transfered, set up a mail redirection service, researched GPs and Vets.

Ive got us both a new dentist too near our new home. We both have new patient appointments, when the little dude is here!!!! It was so strange as we were talking about baby sitting duties on the day, because you know, WE WILL ACTUALLY HAVE A BABY!!!!!

Im already a little anxious about leaving him but im putting it to the back of my mind and reminding myself it will be good for both Mr Me and I to get out and about following his birth on our own, i have a PM appointment and Mr Me has an AM appointment so childcare wont be an issue…unless i crack and take him with me!! 

Ive arranged for family and friends to help with the move and im even hopeful i can get the decorating done in time! My white goods are ordered and arriving the day after the move, my bed and nursery furniture arrive the following week. I know what colour themes im having in the rooms that need decorating, ive got Feliway to keep the cats calm once they get there as well as new catnip toys so they dont hate me too much.

Do you think they can smell the cat nip?! Hehe

Wardrobe boxes arrived last night and watching Mr Me assemble one was hysterical 😂 DIY isnt his thing bless him. Splash enjoyed the finished product though…

We finally exchanged contracts this afternoon…for a while it didnt look like it would happen due to issues with my buyer, and the people we are buying from, but with minutes left on the clock, it all came good.

I love a project but the downside is my overactive brain at night. Between little dude partying til 3am and the cogs turning about what else needs doing, ive not slept well all week. In fact at 1am this morning i was online shopping for blankets and nappies (all of which is getting delivered to the new house, eeeep!). Im luckily OK on minimal sleep and its all good practice but being able to lie in is great!!!

The baby partying til all hours is also very welcome as he had a couple of quiet-ish days which is always a worry, but hes back at full speed now.

Im so big i now have to eat at a table, i used to eat off my knee, then a lap table, but this is no longer do-able due to the massive bump!!! Instead, I sit in the corner of the lounge feeling sorry for myself!

I got measured and bought my 1st nursing bras today. The lady who measured me said she thought the bump had dropped a bit, i think she was being kind really. He still feels high, im starting to get very occassional pressure down low, but as im not a first time mum its likely he wont engage until im in labour probably!!  

Im still feeling good about the induction, no worries really other than being bored, i think ill buy monopoly just to be safe. Having said that, i cannot imagine that in just over 2 weeks there will be an actual human that we have created, who is utterly dependent on us to survive. Bump definitely doesnt equal baby yet!!! 

15 days until planned induction

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx 

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Mental Health and Rainbows

Mental Health and Rainbows

Phew, its Friday!! Im not sleeping too well at the moment. Partly because i cant get comfy and partly because ive a lot on my mind. Nothing horrific, just lots going on.

This week was a 3 hospital visit week. Counselling went well, im doing good, but need to get my head round the fact im probably actually going to have a baby and i need to start thinking about things like maternity leave and antenatal classes and you know, HAVING A BABY!! 

I also met with the mental health midwifery team. They were lovely, ive actually been signed off from them as im managing so well. Go me. We had a good chat and the biggest thing i came away with is that i dont need to reduce/stop taking my antidepressants. The Doctor said that whilst im feeling good and positive, why mess with that? I can breastfeed on the meds im on and the risks to baby in utero are tiny tiny so better to keep Mummy happy and healthy.

The last appointment of the week was with Rainbow Clinic yesterday. It was my 1st appointment with them and they were lovely. I had a couple of students in as well as Mr Me, Mum, my midwife and the Dr but it was all good.

Baby is measuring pretty much bang on average, hes in the 42nd percentile just now and his weight is estimated to be 1lb 5ozs. He definitley has his Daddys nose too! 

Theres a very slight issue with the blood flow to my uterus on the right, the artery is still slightly twisted instead of a funnel so the blood is having to work harder. Its not affecting baby in anyway and should be resolved by 28 weeks when im next scanned.

To say im pleased is an understatement. I love being average and normal and essentially boring, its what you hope for in a Rainbow Pregnancy.

To celebrate i ordered a moses basket and baby chair. Mum bought a mobile and toy. These are to be collected on Sunday as its V day. V being Viability, not Valentines! 

Im now also the proud owner of a MATB1 form, something ive never had before. I plan to give it to work hopefully next week but im still unsure on dates for maternity/annual leave use, plus im not actually 24 weeks yet so dont want to tempt fate. I feel like a proper pregnant person who may actually have a baby with that form in my folder! 

In other news, just to keep things simple, we have put the house on the market. Why not, eh? We’ve not been happy here for a long while and it seems that interest is picking up in our area so we could sell for a decent price/profit.

The photographer comes Monday and there are 5 viewings booked for Tuesday so its all go.

Im currently trawling the house websites picking out favourites, which we then visit before viewing to see if we like the area. Its quite a good little system we have going actually as we are eliminating houses quite quickly from the ever growing list of ‘possibles’. Its very exciting.

I got to meet my friends baby, A, this week, shes adorable. She even threw up on me! Im taking it as a compliment! It was good to talk to A’s Mummy too as shes got some great advice to give and ive missed her a lot. 

Its been a good week!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

23 weeks!!!!

23 weeks!!!!

1 week to go until viability!!! I remember it feeling a lifetime away and now its next week….its unreal. 

Mainly been a quiet week of stronger kicks and punches and a growing bump.

However, on Thursday i started with bad backache and by the time i left work it was so reminisent of Millie’s labour that i took myself off to the hospital.

Blood pressure fine, heartbeat strong and clear and no contractions. Protein and leukocytes in my urine revealed a water infection though so not a total waste of their time. I felt silly but given my history of early labour, i was given antibiotics there and then.

I explained to the Midwives and Doctor that it was most likely nothing and i was just panicking due to my history. Every single one of them told me it was fine, and that they are there for reassurance, and never to feel silly about going in. 

Im very lucky to have a very active little boy inside me but he does seem to have quieter days on a Friday. By the evening hes bouncing about all over the place but during the day hes sleepy. Must be prepping for a wild weekend 😂🙈

Hes very strong now so my tummy moves a bit and i can feel him on the outside. He stops whenever Daddy tries to feel still!!! 

So, last night, i tricked him. We were in bed and little dude was kicking up a storm. So i whispered to Mr Me to slip his hand onto my tummy in place of mine, and he carried on having his little party, none the wiser. Poor Mr Me couldnt talk throughout or little dude would stop but he got a good 4 big kicks which is the most he’s felt ever!! 

I felt a little low yesterday, no particular reason, although the barrage of payday deal emails when we hadnt actually been paid yet were fairly annoying! So i decided we were to go out.

We had lunch, bought me some maternity tops and looked at baby stuff without an anxiety attack happening! I was disappointed by the lack of moses baskets available in shops. I did have a little play with my pram in the shop and then realised ive no idea how to operate it so will need to ask for another demo!! 

After i relayed this to my Mum, she started looking online and before you know it Ive got 4 items saved in a basket on the Asda Baby Event!! Saved, not bought. Soon to be bought. My brother can get further discount too so once thats set up im sure the basket will be empty and the goods on their way to me.

Bestie L is VERY excited shes allowed to shop as of next week. I feel she may go a little wild, by that i mean, very. Theres no stopping her though, she, like us has waited a long time for this!! 

So this week i have 2 appointments. One with the mental health midwifery team. In that appointment we shall discuss how im coping i imagine and id like to discuss reducing my anti depressant dosage too, but in a controlled way. I do plan to come totally off them in the third trimester.

The 2nd appointment is my 1st with the Rainbow Clinic so will involve a scan. My midwife will be about too. I think they look at placenta health and baby growth. Id love them to estimate his weight, i dont know why but im curious! 

Happy weekend! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Walking out of a scan and being OK, its still weird

Walking out of a scan and being OK, its still weird

Yesterday, we had our final fetal heart scan.

In the words of the fab consultant ‘its a boring, healthy heart’

Walking out of a scan and knowing things are going well, is still so weird!! 

Without realising it, you hold yourself tense, waiting for the bad news. Every muscle is tense, just waiting for them to say ‘im so sorry, but….’ 

The sense of relief when you DONT hear those words is indescribable. So much so, Mr Me shed a tear after the scan on Tuesday. He struggles more with scans than i do now, i have the advantage of feeling little man on a daily basis though.

So here we are, 1.5 weeks away from Viability, i still cant believe it really. People are asking me about Maternity Leave now, ive not even thought about it to be honest. Ive planned twice before and then never got to take it, so i just havent put any thought into it.

Soon ill be getting my MATB1 form though and then ill have to notify work of my leave date….eeep!! 

In the meantime i have more appointments to keep me busy, the mental health midwifery team and Rainbow Clinic are both scheduled for next week. I cant believe im most likely going to be meeting these people at 23 weeks pregnant!!! WTF?!! 

So, here we are at 22+3 with everything going as it should. Little man is very strong and wallops me like mad at times, he makes my tummy move and sometimes takes my breath away, and hes only going to get stronger.

I cant wait.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

About yesterday

About yesterday

We are having a boy! Im so happy and dare i say, excited. Its scary getting excited but i cant help it, im so looking forward to meeting my son. (Weird) 

We arrived at the scanning place right on time and explained to the sonographer we had been calling baby a girl. 

She popped the scan on and there he was, legs akimbo giving us the perfect potty shot!! 

Sadly he decided thats all we would see as he covered his face with his hands. We did see him yawn, suck his thumb and suck the cord, and his legs waving about and of course his genitals, a lot. But no face pictures.

We go back Friday for a rescan and ill eat and drink sugary things to get him moving but i think he was just desperate to be called ‘he’ instead of ‘she’. 

After that i had my hair done, havent had it cut or dyed since my birthday in October so it needed doing. Little man has discovered my bladder so all i do is pee these days. 3 times in a 2hr appointment 🙈😂

Next up was to do lunch and shopping. I was starving so food came 1st and i formed my idea for the gender reveal with Mum and Mr Me. It took more effort than it appears, as we had to get our own helium tank and go to 2 different shops to get the balloons but it worked quite well in the end.

I was SUPER brave too. Mum wanted to see the pram i like (its the same one i wanted with Millie) so we took a deep breath and headed to Mamas and Pappas.

I was soooooo anxious in there. But the more i looked at the pram and the price and how it really was such a good deal, i decided to go for it and put a deposit down. Ive got a travel system worth over £1000 for £732. Im happy. Just hope i havent jinxed anything.

WE HAVE A PRAM!!!!

As the week has gone by i can feel my confidence rising and im beginning to enjoy myself and the pregnancy. The constant worry has been exhausting so its nice to let go of some of it. 

Im still guarded but i just couldnt miss that deal and the planner part of me needed to get the ball rolling. Ill not be making any more purchases for a while as getting the pram on order has helped stem that need.

Im still beaming this morning 😁😁😁

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Daddy felt kicks 😍😍

Daddy felt kicks 😍😍

After a very quiet day yesterday, baby went mad last night for 3 hours straight. It was lovely and very reassuring.

The best bit though was Mr Me getting to feel kicks!! This is the first time in 3 pregnancies hes ever felt them and im so so happy he finally got to share that experience with me.

I had felt baby kick my hand on Wednesday but Mr Me missed it.

We both feel like we are holding back, bonding wise, just in case. Which is a massive shame but i think necessary given our past experience.

It was a wonderful moment though.

PS i dont know gender yet but 90% sure its a girl hence me using that pronoun. Its easier than writing him/her or s/he all the time.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Halfway…

Halfway…

20 weeks and 1 day. 

This was me yesterday

Excuse the hair and glasses, it was early and a Sunday!!

Now, i’ve been here twice before, once with a healthy baby on board too, so i cant quite get excited about things yet.

This baby is very active, but keeping away from my cervix which im super pleased about! 

The next big milestone is getting through week 21 without going into labour. Im off work which im looking forward to as im shattered, but wherever i go, Mr Me will be by my side, just in case.

Im in the process of booking a scan for the Wednesday, as reassurance and to see if we can get gender confirmation.

Im also seeing a friend and her toddler, having my hair done and having family round to keep busy but not too busy.

Thats on top of counselling, a cervix check and midwife appointment. 

At the moment im not feeling too bad about that week. I think im just concentrating on having a week off rather than WHY im having the week off.

Baby has behaved since 14 weeks which is reassuring and im sure my cervix being left alone by baby is going to be a plus in the long run too.

Sad thing is theres just no way to know and until im through it, i wont believe it. 

On the flip side i am excited to get to 22 weeks and to be the most pregnant ive ever been. Ill allow myself to buy some new maternity clothes at that point (I’m cold). 24 is still the main goal however.

Im struggling a bit with my hips now, i have to change sides every hour in bed, which explains why im tired a lot! The pain in my right hip particularly, can last well into the afternoon but ill take it if it means i get to meet this baby.

I do still worry about twinges but then i remind myself its growing or ligament pain and i feel baby move, and feel better. Im on constant watch for back ache as thats how my last labour started and i am keeping an eye out for infection.

Today i think i’ve done a bit of nesting!!!! Ive put together 4 bags of clothes for charity shops, got rid of a load of useless bottles from the bathroom, and cleared out my bedside table. Its all very neat and decluttered now. Ive got 2 bags of stuff for the black bin, but its full, so roll on bin day. Once Mr Me has taken the 4 bags, ill clear out the 2nd wardrobe i think.

Im feeling very acomplished today so now im sat on the sofa catching up with Celeb Big Brother

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Not always the Most Wonderful Time of Year

Not always the Most Wonderful Time of Year

The last week or so has been a fairly calm one, for me anyway, im always a bit anxious. Having seen a healthy heart, i can now believe it when the midwife uses the Doppler at my weekly appointments. The midwife also keeps feeling my tummy with her VERY cold hands so i asked what she was doing. She is feeling my uterus and showed me where the top is, its a bit higher than it should be, so im measuring 20 weeks instead of 17 at the moment. Its hardly a big shock though, i know im huge!

Baby is also moving a fair bit now, however when i have quiet days, my anxiety spikes again. We have progressed from pops – basically started the same evening i paid for a reassurance scan – cheeky baby. We then went to flutters, which is mainly what im feeling now but i also get the occasional nudge too. Baby still has loads of room, so sometimes i get a lot and other days, barely anything. i think i felt baby roll over last night when i was in bed too.

Movement is my favourite thing about being pregnant, its such a magical feeling and really cements that there is actually a little person in there.

We are fast approaching the ‘scary week’. Week 21. I can feel myself getting quite anxious about it already but i try to think about other things when this happens. The pregnancy is now speeding up and i do wonder how much longer I’ve got. I cant think about the end or having a take home baby as that still seems crazy far away, but losing the baby is fairly prevalent in my mind.

Xmas is fast approaching, in fact, its 2 days away and my Facebook is filled with babies dressed in xmas outfits and a fair few birth announcements too (congratulations to you all by the way). Its still hard. Im still jealous.

Even though im pregnant, it still stings to see these happy families. I think even if Milo and Millie were with us, id still feel a pang of jealousy, but as it is, over the years, ive grown to hate Christmas. Its all about family and kids. I have so desperately wanted that for so many years that i find the whole season unbearable. (not to mention the commercialism or the fact that it starts in September now). Ive been pregnant for 3 of the last 4 Christmases, and as yet have nothing to show for it.

Im very lucky in that i have some very very sensitive friends, who think of people like me at this time of year and try not to go overboard with the baby stuff, but i feel bad for them, as the majority of these people struggled, why shouldn’t they show off their little miracles?  Those that haven’t struggled, well why would they think twice about posting about their kids at this very special time of year?

So we infertiles sit in the shadows, broody and sulking but outwardly trying to join in, trying to smile and laugh along with the rest of them whilst we fight our own private battle. As i type i have an xmas jumper and xmas socks and xmas nails, so i fit in and dont come across too Grinch link, but at my home, well you wouldn’t know its xmas.

We have no tree up, no decorations or twinkly fairy lights. the wrapped presents are stacked in a corner, out of sight. Everyone assures us that ‘next year will be different’ and i truly hope that they are right, i really do. If its not though, i wont be in the country next xmas, i will be on a beach somewhere, drinking a cocktail, trying to forget.

So to all of you still waiting on your miracle, i salute you, i know the next few days wont be easy.

To those of you that have your baby’s, enjoy every second with them, make the most of this special time of year, dress them up, make them laugh, spoil them. i know i will when its my turn.

Merry Xmas

Lots of Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

sad-xmas-tree

Going out of my mind

Firstly, some positives. This weekend Mr Me and I went away for our anniversary. We booked a really lovely hotel and had a great time just the 2 of us, chatting and eating lovely food and resting. The hotel was so nice that id like to go back when/if  im further along for a ‘babymoon’ and will remember to book the spa and afternoon tea in advance next time! 

Ok, the not so good. I woke up at 5am on Sunday morning pretty much paralysed with fear about the pregnancy. This is happening most mornings now but Sunday was by far the worst its been. Mr Me had to hold onto me as i was so upset. i did eventually fall back to sleep but then spent most of the day in bed as all this worrying is wearing me out.

On Saturday morning after worrying about my lack of appointments i emailed PALS (Patient Advice and Liasion Service). I went through my concerns but also praised my bereavement midwife (who is currently my midwife) and my counsellor for all their support.

I woke up to a voicemail from my midwife today in response to the email to PALS as i copied her in. She reassured me i hadnt been forgotten but went on to say the rainbow clinic wont see me until AFTER my anomaly scan. Ill be 20 weeks and 6 days when i have that, im 15+1 today. So another 6 weeks before my baby and placenta is checked. WTF?? She went on to say the pre term clinic are looking at my referral today, theyve had it 4 weeks, and ill hear later this afternoon when they want to see me.

This has sent me into a tailspin. Mr Me is coming home early to sit with me as im going out of my mind. Its like no one at these clinics gets how tough pregnancy aftet losses are!!!!! i just spend everyday worrying and thinking the worst and apparently thats ok and im not worth dealing with until after the big scan at almost 21 weeks. Baby isnt moving yet so no reasaurance there, EPU only do doppler scans after 13 weeks so no reassurance there. It appears I have no clinical need to be seen. I lost Millie with no warning and thought that would be need enough to be honest. We cant rule out that i dont still have the infection that killed Millie so surely i should be monitored? 

I also got a letter last Thursday to say i have another UTI, again no symptoms but showing up when cultured. Surely this is another reason i need to be monitored?? Im calling my gp in a bit to make sure my prescription is done.

My heads all over the place. Im not coping well.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Milestones, please!!

Milestones, please!!

Been quite a week. Anxiety is getting the better of me, big time.

So on Wednesday, i had a few cramps. Probably just stretching cramps but i FREAKED out. By early afternoon i couldnt take anymore and went to EPU. 

After triage, the gynae used the doppler to find baby, all fine. I had another internal, and 3 swabs. My cervix is so posterior (at the back), she couldnt see it so sent me for a cervical scan. 

Music to my ears as im so worried about my cervix giving out on me. She was ready to book me a stitch should i need it.

Scan revealed baby was fine, cervix was long and shut…all good news!! Also found out my placenta is posterior, again, at the back, so ill actually feel baby this time. It was at the front with Millie so i struggled to feel movement except by my cervix! 

The sonographer noted that my placenta may be bleeding slightly which could explain the 30+ day bleed. After the scan the gynae said everything looked good, that baby was perfectly happy despite the possible bleeding placenta and there was no need for a stitch. She did advise me to chase up the pre term clinic though.

Happy Days and touch wood, ive not bled since Saturday.

So that was all very reassuring, for about 24hrs.

Since then ive convinced myself i have an infection, and that will lead to the baby dying. Im waiting on the results of the triple swab to confirm or deny this but in the mean time my imagination is in overdrive.

My tummy is a bit senstive to the touch, so i worry that means something is wrong too, but i do poke my tummy so its possible ive caused that.

If i hold my pee, i worry thatll lead to infection so i do my upmost to pee ASAP.

When my bladder is full i feel a pressure pushing against my waistband. Its most likely the baby, but i panic to begin with.

When i lie flat, i dont see a bump/lump that could be baby, that worries me. The baby is probably at the back of my uterus however, but i worry.

People on the birth boards are saying they felt movement at my gestation. I havent, so i worry. Even though i KNOW that those other people are most likely feeling wind or their bowels, as baby is only the size of a lemon. I worry.

I need to buy an xmas jumper and ive seen one i like that mentions the baby. Im shit scared to buy it in case it jinxes things. Its my homework though so ill buy it on payday and just get it done. Im also buying an xmas dress, this does not fill me with fear though as there is no mention of bump, even though its a maternity dress. Weird. 

The bleeding stopping has made me worry that the placenta isnt working properly and/or baby has died. Its more likely that my placenta has moved away from my cervix.

Basically, the numb feeling has gone. Its been replaced by anxiety and worry. Its because as of 12 weeks, baby became a person. A person i want to meet very much. I just cant believe ill be lucky enough to get a take home baby. I really cant. Not yet anyway.

What i need is consistent reassurance. By that i mean regular appointments. As it stands i have my 16 week midwife appointment, 20 week anomaly and fetal heart scan appointment and a mental health appointment booked (which is after week 21 so i may not even be pregnant then). No appointment with pre term clinic or rainbow clinic, my midwife and counsellor are now both chasing them up as i hate to mither.

I was told id have an appointment with pre term at 15 weeks, which is NEXT week. Rainbow is meant to start at 17 weeks. Im hoping for bi weekly appointments after that as i dont think i can go longer than that without going out of my mind with negative spiralling, panic and worry.

Ill be increasing my counselling to weekly for a while after xmas too just to manage the fear of the impending 21st week. 

My other homework is to write down my anxities when they become too much, which does tend to help usually, so fingers crossed.

Im now in the 2nd trimester finally and as of this morning have gained over a stone and a half in weight. Im going to be very roly poly come xmas.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx