Tag: family

New Year, No Plan

New Year, No Plan

2018 is around the corner…its the first year in however long that i dont have a project 

Its either been; get pregnant or stay pregnant for so many years.

And now? Now there is no plan.

Its weird but utterly amazing. IVF and loss is exhausting. Its all consuming. This year there will be none of that.

2018 is about making memories…enjoying Little T and rejoicing that IVF isnt on the cards, nor is another loss.

We have 2 holidays booked, so far. Mr Me will despair if i book another break! So ill try not to! 

2018, im ready for you and i hope itll be one of the best

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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More grief…

Does it ever let up? 

Last night, my fur baby, Splash, died. It wasnt a nice passing.

It was expected, he was diagnosed with a serious heart complaint earlier in the year, was on 5 medications a day, but i still wasnt prepared. 

We couldnt get him to a vet in time. He was gone when Mr Me arrived there with him.

As such, im following my normal grief pattern, im numb.

He was 10, had a good life and never wanted for anything. 

But he also saw me through the toughest years of my life

At times, him and his brother were my only reason to get out of bed. My only reason to function.

Between them they offer me company and friendship and so much love.

He wasnt just a pet, he was my friend. My fur baby.

I wish he had gone in his sleep, rather than being aware and struggling. 

I wish i could feel sad. We have lost a loved one once a year in 3 of the last 4 years. Im not sure im able to process more grief right now 

I keep looking for Splash and hearing him. Thats not great. Dont think its really sunk in.

Rest in Peace my lovely friend. Thank you for the memories.


Love, Little Miss PMA (Mummy) xxx

PS im so grateful Smudge is still with us

Famous!! 

Famous!! 

This weekend was our 1st trip away as a family. I was super nervous about a 3 hour drive and staying away from home with Little T.

He was a dream, however, and loved all the attention.

We went down to Bristol for a Ruby Wedding anniversary party. Lots of Mr Me’s side of the family were very taken with Little T, who lapped it up!!! 

I barely saw him for hours as he was passed around, and Aunty Sarah wanted to keep him.

Check him out on The Ingham Family vlog

The Ingham Family Vlog

He’s famous! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Splash – Update

Splash – Update

For those of you who sent your kind wishes and thoughts for Splash, thank you. The positivity worked!!! 

The x-ray showed an enlarged heart and it seems that is what caused him to be so poorly yesterday.

The vet said he has improved following an anti inflamatory medication and antibiotics. He will be on 2 pills a day for the rest of his life now to inprove blood flow.

We are collecting him later!! I think his brother, Smudge, is really missing him and will be so pleased to see him again. He was looking for him at breakfast and keeps calling for him!

This is Smudge

Splash needs an ultrasound which cant be done at our vet so we will arrange for it to be done wherever it can be done.
Im so so happy he can come home!!! 😆😆😆😆

As for me, well im SO SO sore following my slip down the stairs. So sore i didnt make it to work today.

At 2ish i managed a bath, my 1st one in about a year. Little Dude seemed to enjoy the warm water. Im not sure it did me much good but it was fun to watch my tummy moving all over the place.

Ive had to give in and ive taken 1 paracetamol with codine and im thinking of taking another soon. I dont take painkillers as a rule so its something i find difficult to do whilst pregnant, but im in pain from my neck down at the moment.

Ive also made lots of lists for the house move, things i need to do and want to buy. Thats rather exciting. 

I need to get on with getting bits for the baby showers, decorations and food etc. because theres only a month to go now!!!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Most pregnant I have ever been

Most pregnant I have ever been

Woohoo!! we made it through the majority of scary week and finally im the most pregnant i have ever been!

Its been a lovely day so far. I had my whooping cough vaccination this morning, followed by brunch at Harvey Nichols. Sue Johnston was there too (The Royle Family), dining with celebs!!

After a lovely brunch, looking out over the city, we made our way to the private scan, to try and get some head shots. I remembered to eat chocolate and have a fizzy drink too, just to get him moving.

Im pleased to say it worked a treat and here he is. Baby PMA in the flesh…

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His little nose and ear and chin

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Nose, mouth and eyes!
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Looks just like Daddy
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Hand, arm, leg and foot
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Daddy’s knee’s 

 

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Knows how to suck!!
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Big yawn!

He no longer looks like Morph, he has a face! His daddy’s face, he’s the image of Mr Me!

It was a lovely experience, and i cant believe how much more bonded we feel to our little dude.

Today has been an amazing day for so many reasons.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

 

Final Cycle – Day 19

Final Cycle – Day 19

Home time!! 

Yesterday was our final day in Cyprus. It was a whopping 38°C and so i stayed inside. Even so, i struggled with the heat and had a slight dizzy spell.

So i drank plenty and kept a cold flannel on my neck. I did feel better after a shower too. My Mum managed a trip to the pool and was fine. Its unusual for me to struggle in the heat.

Ive been ‘aware’ of my uterus since transfer. Sometimes it feels quite tight/crampy and i get the occassional sharp pain in one specific spot.

I think my ovaries are still quite large and i swear the top is still sore from being punctured during Egg Collection, although yesterday was tbe 1st time i felt it???!!! 

So yeah, it looks like im symptom spotting! 

I have to say im feeling alot more than i did after my transfer in June and its keeping me positive. Right now im quietly confident but its such early days im scared to get my hopes up.

Ill be glad to get back to work for distraction.

My lovely Mum insisted i lift NOTHING during our return to the UK which was difficult to watch when she is in so much pain. However, mostly people are kind so between the villa manager, taxi driver and wheelchair assistant guys at both airports, i didnt lift a thing other than hand luggage! 

It was wonderful to see Mr Me again last night at 2 in the morning. He had a hat on though and covered his blue hair so took me a minute to spot him. My eyesight can be terrible!!! 

We are not ones for PDA, especially when itd be holding up others but we were just so happy to be back together!!! 

We came home and crashed. Later my brother is coming over and we are having Sunday lunch before he takes Mum home. Itll be quite emosh when she goes as shes been my little cheerleader.

I met some amazing people in Cyprus, and im honoured to be part of their journey. It was lovely to be able to share my knowledge and offer reassurance. I should look into this as a career 🤔

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

The reality of the last cycle.

The reality of the last cycle.

The last couple of weeks have been a mad scramble to decide how much we want to throw at this cycle. We wanted to go all in, but financial constraints meant we couldnt (we’ve spent approx £15k so far) and it was bothering me as i knew id wonder ‘what if’.

So we asked my mother in law for help, and she has come through, like she always does, so we can now go all in.

We are doing another fresh cycle, whereby my eggs will be collected and fertilised with Mr Me’s sperm. We also have 3 frosties too but it remains to be seen if we will use these.

We have also swapped my stimulation meds from menopur to gonal-f (see previous post). 

So with my MIL’s help we can now do embryoscope (time lapse imaging and software to determine best embryos), blastgen (the culture the embryos are grown in) and PGD. 

PGD stands for pre genetic diagnosis and involves removing the nucleus of a cell on day 3 of embryo development and testing it for chromosomal abnormalities. This ensures only healthy embryos are transferred and that way ill know thats not the reason they fail (if they do) 

Its the only thing we havent tried yet and as its my last go, well it has to be done really so i know i tried everything.

Despite all of the above, im still not hopeful, i just dont think my body is capable of another pregnancy. Perhaps because the infection that killed Millie is still lingering? I have done everything in power to ensure this isnt the case, but given they couldnt culture or identify the infection, its quite hard to know if its still floating about in me. Only time will tell! 

Although im happy to move onto adoption if/when this cycle fails, it does mean coming to terms with NEVER having a biological child. Never seeing Mr Me in the face of a live baby, not having a mini us running round. And thats hard. Really hard. I thought i was just going through the motions with cycle 9 but it turns out, i really want OUR baby

This feeling is enhanced by our decision to adopt, obviously, but its more than that. I want to create life, i want that life to be half me and half Mr Me, i want to do what others do so easily, and quite frankly i feel like we deserve it. We’ve put in the time and effort, been through the loss, grieved and still come back fighting. So cant we just have a bit of good luck?

However, if we do get pregnant it throws up 40 weeks of terror, if we get that far. Mr Me has been honest and said he wont be able to relax or feel positive the whole way through it. And who can blame him? I cant say itll be all sunshine and rainbows for me either. But its me that needs to do this.

I still have bump envy, despite everything, i love being pregnant, i feel wonderfully well but i also feel special. I like that feeling. I know it wont be easy but oh god if it works itd just be amazing.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

The end…?

The end…?

Ive been doing a lot of thinking in the last couple of weeks. 

I pretty sure im at the end of my IVF journey. Cycle 9 will be our last cycle. I feel quite good about this. 

Why? 

Because i cant keep going, 5 years and 9 cycles is a hell of a lot, before we even bring in the losses. Its a lot.

Im sick of losing, sick of feeling left out, sick of been the one it doesnt work for, sick of hoping, sick of the platitudes. Im just sick of it.

We will go ahead with cycle 9 as id regret it if i didnt, but if it fails, thats us done. No more.

We have done A LOT of talking and its time for a change. We are beginning to talk about adoption and it feels good. We’ve been through the advantages

  • No scary pregnancy to contend with
  • We will be parents at the end of it
  • Greatly reduces the chances of asthma, and Mr Me’s blood condition
  • We give a child in need a forever home
  • We can stop throwing money at a dream and start saving for a future with a child
  • Once in the process, we will always be moving forward not stop starting

There are some negatives;

  • Ill never carry my own child
  • We wont get the newborn experience

However, as there will be a 6 month period after IVF before we start the application for Adoption and i can deal with those negatives in those 6 months. I still get a pang when i see a pregnant belly and thats something ill need to grieve before going into adoption. But i can do that.

Its taken 7 years but im at my limit. Mr Me is at his limit. Weve wasted so much time, energy and money on this journey. Ok, not wasted, but its enough now.

Im telling people i just want a little person to love, so why does it have to come out of me? It doesnt. Itd be amazing dont get me wrong, but its no longer a NEED. What i do NEED is to be a parent.

I had to go through all we have, to reach this point. I cant say the losses were great, they were horrid, but they have made me who i am now. For that im grateful.

Im finding myself more and more down about IVF and thats a signal its time to end this. I find it hard now more than exciting/positive.

Having said that, cycle 9 is booked. We fly 31st August. Ill give it my all, i always do, but the pressure wont be as great because we have a new plan. 

In different news, L comes back to the UK for a spell this week! So excited! Im even buying a dress…i dont do dresses, shows how much ive missed her and how excited i am to go out with her and J! 

Ive also got a night out with M planned! Weve never been able to get a bit drunk together, what with pregnancy and IVF, so itll be a really fun evening. Exciting times! 

Mr Me and I had an amazing weekend. Had a lazy Saturday and then went out for tea and yesterday we had cocktails in the sun

Im not a big drinker (evidenced by my passing out/napping for 3hrs yesterday) but with L coming home, i had to practice! Itll be all good next weekend as i wont pour my own measures (we had drinks in the garden after getting home)! 

So there we have it, change is afoot, and that feels good.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

An Open Letter….

An Open Letter….

Dear Take Home Baby Gods,

7 years ago, we decided to try for a baby.

6 years ago we were referred for fertility testing

5 years ago we found out we needed IVF

4.5 years ago i invented you.

i know you are not real, you are a figment of my imagination, but when im desperate, when i need someone to talk to/vent at/be cross with, there is no one in real life i can blame, so you came into existence.

I used to ask you to let the IVF work, all i wanted was a BFP. how naive i was eh? i thought a BFP meant a baby, but you proved me wrong.

My 4th IVF cycle saw me get pregnant for the first time, i was overjoyed, we had cracked it. Or so i thought. in a cruel twist of fate, at 20 weeks Milo was diagnosed with HLHS and we opted to end that pregnancy. it was the right thing to do.

My 6th IVF cycle saw my second BFP and despite a few hiccups, Millie was healthy. but 9 days after finding that out, you took her away. Why? was it punishment for Milo? is is punishment for a past life? is it a test? are you trying to tell me something?

If so, could you be a bit more clear about it please?

we had a year off, my head was battered, my heart broken, i was a shell of the woman i remember myself to be. it did me good, i got my strength back and i didnt think about you at all.

In May we got back on the train, yet again you are not happy with me, first throwing a freeze all in my way and then a BFN on the resulting FET. Now im planning cycle 9.

What do i need to do to please you? What do i need to do for a take home baby – ill do anything, i just need to know what.

Im so sick of being the strong one, the positive one, the patient one. its got to be my turn now? i try to get on with life, in between cycles, you know? but i know you are always watching me, deciding if ill ever get my take home baby. I can feel you there as all i think about is the upcoming cycle, and what to try this time.

if you let me get pregnant, i promise not to buy a thing until im near term – will that please you?

ill give more to charity, ill help more in the community, i WILL adopt as a thank you for letting me have my own biological child. i just wish you were real and i could offer you something so you look favourably on me. but of course, you are in my imagination. there isn’t anything or anyone that can assure me a healthy baby, or even a pregnancy at this stage. but wouldn’t it be wonderful if you were real, and i and all the other infertile/bereaved parents, could know what you wanted to ensure the next pregnancy is a safe one.

So basically, Take Home Baby Gods, this is my prayer to you. im out of money, im out of holiday and im out of steam. ive got enough left for one more shot at this. no one will love a baby more than we will, no one will ever be as grateful as we are, no one baby will have as many aunties and uncles from around the world. Please, please please, just let it be us. please?

thinking of you

Little Miss PMA xxx

Different isnt bad…

Different isnt bad…

Im well pissed off at myself. I’ve let these negative feelings basically ruin my PUPO bubble. This is NOT like me.

Ok so this cycle is different, well actually better, grade AA embies, thickest lining etc so why am i so negative??

Im symptom spotting thats why. And thats just stupid.

Hcg is only just being released so why would i feel different??? Its TOO EARLY!!!

After a few pep talks from friends, family and the clinic (how awesome are they?!) I am no longer going to be negative.

I hate being negative. Just because its different doesn’t mean its bad. Different can be good.

I now choose to believe that different is good, as in this is my take home baby.

Im so annoyed at myself for letting the crap get to me, i wouldn’t let any one else feel this way so i damn well wont let myself feel this way.

Negativity out, positivity in.

Screw you 2 week wait, im better than you.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx