Tag: fet

Hand forced?

Hand forced?

So i had a call on Thursday from my GP, he told me he had had a letter from my MS doctor and i wasn’t to have steroids during an MS flare up.

Fair enough.

Today i got a copy of that letter and its terrified me.

I’d contacted the secretary of the MS doctor to advise we would like another baby so he asked me to come in this week (Thursday). In the mean time he wrote to my GP to say

  • I have relapsing remitting MS
  • Its rapidly evolving severe
  • My MRI’s showed that between 2015 and April 2018 there was a significant increase in lesions
  • Between April 2018 and June 2018 there were THREE MORE lesions (explains all the symptoms i was having)
  • As i was considering another baby, he wants to try a different medication, Lemtrada, as it provides a long lasting effect and will hopefully prevent relapses during pregnancy

Lemtrada does not sound pleasant, at all

The long term effect on disability is uncertain

Its given by drip over 5 consecutive days and i HAVE to be admitted to hospital as nearly everyone has an allergic reaction, treated by antihistamines and IV steroids

I’d need a second 3 day course in a year.

1 in 3 people develop under or over active thyroid requiring lifelong treatment

1 in 100 develop a blood condition

There have been a few cases of people developing a kidney disorder too

These conditions can be life threatening so I’d need blood tests every 4 weeks for FOUR YEARS after completion of the infusion

But, its PROBABLY safe to get pregnant 4 months after the last infusion. Probably.

What the fuck am i meant to do with that??

Head is up my arse.

I refuse to Google.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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Reconciliation

Reconciliation

How do you reconcile being broody versus having MS?

How do you know its not just jealousy? There have been a fair few pregnancy announcements of late.

How do you know when the time is right to try again?

My head’s a mess. I really do want another baby. Sensible me thinks i should wait, my heart doesn’t think it can take it.

If i start MS meds, i have to be med free for a year before doing IVF again.

The longing for another pregnancy and baby is overwhelming at the moment. The idea of waiting another 18 months at least, scares me, the thought of feeling like this for that time is miserable.

I worry i won’t manage with 2, practical stuff i can sort, but the idea of Little T fighting with his sibling scares me.

I worry Little T will be jealous, but i worry he will be lonely.

Its a complete head fcuk.

My main problem is lack of information. I don’t know if i should start meds and then have a break and then IVF, or whether its easier to try again sooner rather than later, then start meds after a potential pregnancy.

I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, the NHS or my consultant (who is sourcing my medication). The problem is, I’m not seeing my consultant again until after we have been to Cyprus, which would be a prime opportunity to do FET (frozen embryo transfer)

Doesn’t help that my body is being weird, namely longer periods and random aches in the uterus area. I think its all in my head to be honest but its just messing with me.

Why does this have to be so hard?!!!!

I’m so back and forth

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Nearly there

Nearly there

Since January, I’ve been on a mission to lose weight. The BMI calculator told me i was obese so it had to be done. I set my target as the top end of healthy and I’m pleased to say I’ve reached it. And a bit more!!!

Just 12lbs to lose to my ideal weight, which is 1.5st heavier than i was when i got pregnant with Little T.

I’ve not been following a diet as such, just sticking to around 1200 calories a day and as we’ve had such good weather, I’ve been pushing the pram a lot!!! I’d like to hit my target by September, so I’m not rushing the loss or at risk of putting it back on.

We are still a no on doing IVF in September, i really am enjoying Little T too much, but I’m pretty certain i want another in a couple of years so will renew the embryo freezing.

I started smoking again. Ugh. It started with one or two a week when the idea i may have MS came up, but quickly progressed to 20+ a day again. On Tuesday i bought a vape, something i never thought I’d do, and it seems to be helping, i am on the highest nicotine dose, but plan to reduce each time i buy more liquid. Fingers crossed!

My MS appointment is tomorrow. I’m anxious the Dr will say its not MS and ill be back to square one, I’m also anxious about how any medication will interfere with any potential future pregnancies. Lots of worries and questions to ask.

Today was Fathers Day, we took Mr Me for an amazing steak lunch and Little T got him a T-shirt and card.

Little T continues to delight us. He crawls as fast as a bullet out of a gun, is extremely well behaved, has mastered the ‘downward dog’ pose and his laugh is infectious. He loves chasing the cat, and loves us chasing him.

I love watching him, i just sit with a grin on my face, watching him eat, play with his toys, play with others. I absolutely adore him. Plus, he’s gorgeous. I just can’t believe how lucky i am to be his Mummy.

He is super close to talking too. He can say ‘uh-oh’ and ‘daddy’ with prompts. He understands SO much. His sleeping pattern is erratic at the moment, which usually coincides with a new skill so I’m thinking more words are coming, as he doesn’t seem overly keen on standing/walking!!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

A perfect party

A perfect party

We threw Little T a first birthday party on Sunday. We had a day to prepare, having only landed from Majorca the early hours of Saturday morning, but it was lovely.

We got him a little trike, which he loves

Look at that smile 😍

Lots of his little friends came, and the weather was beautiful so we took to the garden where they played in the ball pool, watched bubbles, and ate yummy food (most of which i made!)

The cake was amazing, thanks again to The Purple Apron

Gorgeous and yummy too.

It was a perfect day. Exactly how i hoped it’d be. Although, I’m still in disbelief i have a one year old!!!

The holiday and the weekend did throw up some questions though

Do i really want another baby? Am i ready to IVF in September?

A friend brought me some of the meds ill need to IVF and it made me think. Do i really want to go through the emotional roller coaster that is IVF so soon?

I was talking to a friend on Monday, who has a friend who went through IVF and NEEDED a sibling. She felt she now knew, having had one, what she was missing out on and needed to do it again.

I don’t NEED a sibling. I love that i can focus all my energy on Little T. We have such fun together, bringing another baby into the situation would most definitely change the dynamic. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I’m not sure Little T is.

I feel as though, because we will be in Cyprus anyway, its the easy option to cycle again, but i don’t want it enough. I know we would MANAGE, people do, but I’m not sure i want to manage, i just want to enjoy my family as it is. The logistics scare me, shopping with a new born and a toddler, attending Little T’s groups, splitting my focus, the list goes on

Another friend said ”you’ve hit the jackpot, do you really want to gamble again”

Little T is so healthy, he didn’t get my asthma, or Mr Me’s blood condition. He’s a lovely baby, so social, so happy, so relaxed.

Right now, I’m thinking we won’t cycle, but, that means no closure. Whilst those frosties are over there, the journey isn’t over. There’s always the possibility of doing more cycles…i kinda want it over now. My life for the last however many years has been IVF-centric, and I’d like to end the chapter but the thought of destroying the embryos worries me, i may want a sibling in the future and i know i CANNOT do another fresh cycle.

Its a bloody dilemma. I think about this everyday, I’m anxious about making the right decision, worried Little T will be lonely if i don’t give him a sibling. I worry if i wait another couple of years, my health will fail, that ill be too tired to be pregnant again, too tired to go through sleepless nights, whilst also managing a toddler, it just goes round and round my head.

Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to leave it up to nature?!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Dumbass

Dumbass

Im so stupid, i mentioned on a competition on Facebook that we are planning to IVF again before blogging it.

So, we are planning a Frozen Embryo Transfer in September. I’m on holiday in North Cyprus anyway so makes sense to give it a go!

If it works, Little T will be just 2 when the new one arrives. Gulp! But people manage, and so will we.

I’ve 5 frozen and the plan is to defrost all of them and put best 2 back. This will stop me trying again and again. I don’t want IVF to take over again.

The bump envy won’t go away, even labour stories were making me jealous, but now we have made a decision, i feel at ease, peaceful almost and excited!

I’m excited to love another little person and give T a playmate. I also know that if it doesn’t work, T is meant to be an only child who we can spoil endlessly. Win win really.

Not getting any younger and biological clock is ticking away. I’m also being investigated for MS which has pushed my timeline up. That’s another story though.

So…big news

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

This is why i dont….

This is why i dont….

Today has been hard, Little T has been and continues to be so fussy at the bottle. He takes a few sucks, cries and spits it out and then screams bloody murder for it back again and the cycle repeats. Ive tried new bottles, new milk, faster flowing teats. Nothing settles him.

I feel like a failure. Like he hates me. Hes an angel for and around other people, including Mr Me but i feel like i just cant get it right.

Its soul destroying. Hes moany and whiney and i have less patience than i expected. Apparently i used up all my reserves going through IVF.

I feel like i shouldnt complain. I waited 8 years for this. I paid so much and lost so much. And now im shit at it. I cant settle him. I feel shit. 

Hes no routine to speak of. He eats when he wants, sleeps when he wants and seems to scream inbetween times. Its bloody hard and i dont know what im doing wrong.

The occassions that hes a shit biscuit (hard work but super sweet hence shit biscuit) for Mr Me serve to remind me its not just me. He can be a shit for others. But mostly its reserved for me, hes all smiles when Daddy walks in

Those 5 minutes of contentment, or when he sleeps on me or beams are me, make it worth it but at times i just feel im not cut out for this.

Talk keeps turning to whether we will have another. Im 10 weeks in so no idea how im meant to know at this point god alone knows. But my answer makes me feel guilty. Its a resounding NO right now. The thought of a new born and toddler is terrifying. Im barely managing as it is. But theres 5 potential babies frozen in Cyprus and the guilt of not giving them a chance combined with knowing how lucky we are to even have Frosties is overwhelming.

I loved pregnancy, til the end, i dreamed of a big family and dont like the idea of Little T not having a sibling, but the thought of doing this again but with a walking, talking, little person in tow just fills me with dread. I hate myself for feeling this way.

On a different note…The way i look has gotten me to the point, where for the first time ever, i want to exercise. I downloaded an app that promises maximum results with minimal effort, “7 minutes a day of HIIT for a fitter, lighter version of you.” I bought active wear and everything to help me commit. I was excited to start. And i did it. All 13 exercises. The last one being star jumps. I was hot sweaty and exhausted, but so close. So i started jumping…and, promptly wet myself!!!!! THIS IS WHY I DONT EXERCISE. I have no pelvic floor it seems. I wasnt even aware it was happening….until i felt very wet. Pass the Tena Lady….no wonder you get free samples in after birth gift packs!! (Ive since replaced star jumps with additional abdo crunches and no more accidents) 

FML 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

An Open Letter….

An Open Letter….

Dear Take Home Baby Gods,

7 years ago, we decided to try for a baby.

6 years ago we were referred for fertility testing

5 years ago we found out we needed IVF

4.5 years ago i invented you.

i know you are not real, you are a figment of my imagination, but when im desperate, when i need someone to talk to/vent at/be cross with, there is no one in real life i can blame, so you came into existence.

I used to ask you to let the IVF work, all i wanted was a BFP. how naive i was eh? i thought a BFP meant a baby, but you proved me wrong.

My 4th IVF cycle saw me get pregnant for the first time, i was overjoyed, we had cracked it. Or so i thought. in a cruel twist of fate, at 20 weeks Milo was diagnosed with HLHS and we opted to end that pregnancy. it was the right thing to do.

My 6th IVF cycle saw my second BFP and despite a few hiccups, Millie was healthy. but 9 days after finding that out, you took her away. Why? was it punishment for Milo? is is punishment for a past life? is it a test? are you trying to tell me something?

If so, could you be a bit more clear about it please?

we had a year off, my head was battered, my heart broken, i was a shell of the woman i remember myself to be. it did me good, i got my strength back and i didnt think about you at all.

In May we got back on the train, yet again you are not happy with me, first throwing a freeze all in my way and then a BFN on the resulting FET. Now im planning cycle 9.

What do i need to do to please you? What do i need to do for a take home baby – ill do anything, i just need to know what.

Im so sick of being the strong one, the positive one, the patient one. its got to be my turn now? i try to get on with life, in between cycles, you know? but i know you are always watching me, deciding if ill ever get my take home baby. I can feel you there as all i think about is the upcoming cycle, and what to try this time.

if you let me get pregnant, i promise not to buy a thing until im near term – will that please you?

ill give more to charity, ill help more in the community, i WILL adopt as a thank you for letting me have my own biological child. i just wish you were real and i could offer you something so you look favourably on me. but of course, you are in my imagination. there isn’t anything or anyone that can assure me a healthy baby, or even a pregnancy at this stage. but wouldn’t it be wonderful if you were real, and i and all the other infertile/bereaved parents, could know what you wanted to ensure the next pregnancy is a safe one.

So basically, Take Home Baby Gods, this is my prayer to you. im out of money, im out of holiday and im out of steam. ive got enough left for one more shot at this. no one will love a baby more than we will, no one will ever be as grateful as we are, no one baby will have as many aunties and uncles from around the world. Please, please please, just let it be us. please?

thinking of you

Little Miss PMA xxx

Different isnt bad…

Different isnt bad…

Im well pissed off at myself. I’ve let these negative feelings basically ruin my PUPO bubble. This is NOT like me.

Ok so this cycle is different, well actually better, grade AA embies, thickest lining etc so why am i so negative??

Im symptom spotting thats why. And thats just stupid.

Hcg is only just being released so why would i feel different??? Its TOO EARLY!!!

After a few pep talks from friends, family and the clinic (how awesome are they?!) I am no longer going to be negative.

I hate being negative. Just because its different doesn’t mean its bad. Different can be good.

I now choose to believe that different is good, as in this is my take home baby.

Im so annoyed at myself for letting the crap get to me, i wouldn’t let any one else feel this way so i damn well wont let myself feel this way.

Negativity out, positivity in.

Screw you 2 week wait, im better than you.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Doubting….

Doubting….

Ahhhh shit. Im not sure its worked.

Last night i looked back at my blog posts from my last 2 week wait and i was feeling stuff by now, and im not feeling anything.

I know every cycle/pregnancy is different but im really worried.

Tomorrow is 7 days past and i usually get my progesterone rash so i guess im hoping thatll show up but, my PMA is ebbing away fast.

There is no way to know until test day and for the 1st time ever im tempted to test early.

I also know FETs can be late implanters but its not bringing much comfort right now.

Im terrified its all over before its began.

Really, its too soon to draw this conclusion as only today at 6days past a 5 day transfer does hcg start to be secreted into my system but ive got a bad feeling.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

4 days past a 5 day transfer

4 days past a 5 day transfer

The last couple of days in Cyprus were a bit hectic hence my absence.

On Tuesday we met up with a lovely couple we had met in clinic and had coffee for a couple of hours. The lady and i have very similar issues and have been through a lot of the same things and it was nice to chat about our experiences and also how positive we are regarding Team Miracle. They are finding the journey hard, which it really is but i hope i was able to offer some comfort and positivity.

That night we were with friends for dinner….and the football. Im not a football fan but my god have i seen a lot of matches of Euro 2016. My conclusion is, England are a weak team, Wales are doing brilliantly and the under dogs (like Turkey) are fighting hard. But thats just my opinion and im not wanting to start a war!!!

The flight back was fine on Wednesday, although i did have to order more food despite paying for a meal. These steroids are making me HUNGRY!!! And then i got Mr Me to cook a full meal at 10pm…😲😲😲 least its good healthy food from Hello Fresh!!!

Its AMAZING to be back with Mr Me. Missed him so much, it was worth it but i really dont like us being apart so that won’t be happening for as long as i can help it. Mum was a wonderful substitute mind, and took her duties of keeping me calm and bringing me home preggers very seriously!

Im 4 days past a 5 day transfer, or 9 days post ovulation on a traditional cycle. Other than the tugging, ive had some very mild cramping and some crazy dreams so far. Nothing much to report but i do tend to be fairly symptomless on my 2 week wait.

Im staying super positive though, i have every faith this will work.

Back in the office tomorrow and then a 3 day weekend as normal, this 2 week wait should fly by. She says now. I tend to sail through the 1st week but the 2nd week is tough!!! Watch this space.

Today in the UK its the EU referendum, ill be voting REMAIN. I urge all my UK followers to use their vote and if you are not sure, vote to stay in, a leave vote cannot be undone whereas a remain vote can be revisited. Enough politics but please dont waste your vote!

Im sooooo excited to watch Game of Thrones later, it has been a mission to avoid spoilers but we managed and i know its a cracking episode!!! Cant believe its nearly over for another season!

I intend to take today easy, the embies should be implanted by now, its the first 48-72 hours that are important but another day of relaxing cant be bad!

8 days until OTD (Official Test Day)…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx