Dear Take Home Baby Gods,
7 years ago, we decided to try for a baby.
6 years ago we were referred for fertility testing
5 years ago we found out we needed IVF
4.5 years ago i invented you.
i know you are not real, you are a figment of my imagination, but when im desperate, when i need someone to talk to/vent at/be cross with, there is no one in real life i can blame, so you came into existence.
I used to ask you to let the IVF work, all i wanted was a BFP. how naive i was eh? i thought a BFP meant a baby, but you proved me wrong.
My 4th IVF cycle saw me get pregnant for the first time, i was overjoyed, we had cracked it. Or so i thought. in a cruel twist of fate, at 20 weeks Milo was diagnosed with HLHS and we opted to end that pregnancy. it was the right thing to do.
My 6th IVF cycle saw my second BFP and despite a few hiccups, Millie was healthy. but 9 days after finding that out, you took her away. Why? was it punishment for Milo? is is punishment for a past life? is it a test? are you trying to tell me something?
If so, could you be a bit more clear about it please?
we had a year off, my head was battered, my heart broken, i was a shell of the woman i remember myself to be. it did me good, i got my strength back and i didnt think about you at all.
In May we got back on the train, yet again you are not happy with me, first throwing a freeze all in my way and then a BFN on the resulting FET. Now im planning cycle 9.
What do i need to do to please you? What do i need to do for a take home baby – ill do anything, i just need to know what.
Im so sick of being the strong one, the positive one, the patient one. its got to be my turn now? i try to get on with life, in between cycles, you know? but i know you are always watching me, deciding if ill ever get my take home baby. I can feel you there as all i think about is the upcoming cycle, and what to try this time.
if you let me get pregnant, i promise not to buy a thing until im near term – will that please you?
ill give more to charity, ill help more in the community, i WILL adopt as a thank you for letting me have my own biological child. i just wish you were real and i could offer you something so you look favourably on me. but of course, you are in my imagination. there isn’t anything or anyone that can assure me a healthy baby, or even a pregnancy at this stage. but wouldn’t it be wonderful if you were real, and i and all the other infertile/bereaved parents, could know what you wanted to ensure the next pregnancy is a safe one.
So basically, Take Home Baby Gods, this is my prayer to you. im out of money, im out of holiday and im out of steam. ive got enough left for one more shot at this. no one will love a baby more than we will, no one will ever be as grateful as we are, no one baby will have as many aunties and uncles from around the world. Please, please please, just let it be us. please?
thinking of you
Little Miss PMA xxx