Tag: happiness

9-8, 5-8 (not a math problem)

9-8, 5-8 (not a math problem)

14 weeks! 

Little T burst his way into the world 14 weeks ago and forever changed our lives for the better! 

I really struggled with being a Mummy in the beginning. I found it hard to accept my new role, to accept the change in relationship between Mr Me and I. I was warned id be tired, but i didnt understand, i was warned it was hard, but i didnt understand.

Now i do. Im permantly tired, thats the new normal, so i can cope with it. Sleep deprivation is a thing of the past, because we are used to it. For example, i got 3ish hours last night whereas Little T got 11. Go figure. Think i was waiting for him to wake for a feed all night, not daring to believe he’d sleep through.

One off or is this the start of 11 hour nights? The latter would be amazing but i wont count on it, yet.

Since allowing myself to love him, im finding my new role as Mummy, so rewarding. I love watching him learn and grow, although it seems to be going so so fast. Everyday, his smile melts me, i cannot believe we made something so so beautiful and clever.

The last few years seem like a bad dream. Ill never forget Milo and Millie, how could i? They helped shape who i am, but our rainbow, Little T, glows through those dark clouds, and makes those times seem so distant, that the grief is manageable, the pain dulled somewhat.

So at 14 weeks, my little man can smile and grab, hes so close to rolling over but hates tummy time. He loves music, and the car, he has a favourite toy, and being the centre of attention is his forte. He is the most amazing waste of time, i can spend hours just watching him. I cant believe how lucky i am.

Im so happy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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Its all starting to make sense

Its all starting to make sense

I went back to counselling this week. Mr Me made the referral when i was struggling. In the hour i was there, i managed to cover the time from his birth to my struggles to feeling better.

Over the course of this week ive realised my next session will be my last. I dont need that level of support anymore. I know how to manage my issues now. I can self analyse, know what will make me anxious and why and how to cope with that.

I know ill probably need to be medicated for depression for most of my life but im ok with that. Im ok to admit that i suffer with anxiety and depression, the same way i suffer with and am medicated for asthma. Its just part of my life. Im at peace with that.

Actually, im happy. Im happy i finally have my baby, happy that, despite all the crap, Mr Me and I made it. Happy im a mummy, a wife, a friend.

Worry, sleep deprivation and self doubt are creeping away. Little T is nearly 12 weeks old (oh my god i have a 3 month old) and hes thriving (now that hes being treated for reflux) 

Now i get more than 2 hours sleep a night, im more rational, more confident. In the last couple of weeks we have settled into a nice routine. 

Ive joined more classes, i spend more time just enjoying Little T and watching him learn and develop. I no longer constantly hold myself up to the impossible standard i set myself.

I now love being his mummy. Now that ive stopped worrying about losing myself, ive found my feet. Im still me, still put my make up on, do my nails when i can, go out with my friends, spend quality time with Mr Me. Im me AND a mummy. 

Now i know why we fought so hard for so long, now i know i was right to want this so much.

Ive stopped caring if i get all the washing done, stopped worrying about keeping on top of the housework. It gets done. Not today though. Today ive spent all day snuggling, because he needed me, and i needed him. There wont always be days where we can just snuggle so these days are special.

My family is special. And i love being a mummy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Things that make me go, WOW

Things that make me go, WOW

Ive sounded very doom and gloom since Little T was born. Honestly i am enjoying motherhood, its just very different to what i expected and has literally changed everything. People tell you it changes everything but you dont really understand until it happens!!

But its all worth it…

When he fixes on me with his massive eyes, im transfixed, i cant look away, i can see him studying my face, know he knows that hes safe and wanted with me. My Mum says it his ‘look of love’

When he grabs my finger, my top, my skin, even with his razor sharp nails. Its like he holds onto me for security. I make him feel safe. So does a muslin mind you, but you know. I like to see him grab anything, i have a proud parent moment

When he burps/farts/poos im reassured that his little body is working properly and i marvel at the fact that Mr Me and I (and Team Miracle) made this perfect little human

When he smiles, i melt. I know its only wind at this point but hes got an amazing smile.

When he pouts, i melt. I dunno who taught him to pout but its perfect!!

When he makes random happy sounds, its like hes telling me something, like how the side of his pram really is super interesting. Without fail ill make up a conversation between him and i and often outloud, much to the amusement of onlookers

When i look at his face and see my mouth and eyes, his Daddys hands and forehead and chin, it reminds me of how much Mr Me and I love each other and how hard we worked to make this amazing little human

When people stop me and tell me what a gorgeous boy he is and how much they like his name, im so proud that hes mine.

Its all worth it. All of it.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Hormones….!!! 

Hormones….!!! 

Next week ill be in the 3rd trimester….where did that come from??? 91 days until the end of the pregnancy….how did that happen? !!

All seems to be well with the little dude, he appears to have gone back to being transverse after being breach. Hes kicking up a storm, lots of tummy moving kicks!! 

He seems to know the new house is for him as he kicks lots when we talk about it, he doesnt like me wearing anything too tight now so im having to overhaul my wardrobe somewhat.

I honestly thought maternity items lasted until term but ive put on so much weight, i need bigger sized tops and bottoms, Dresses are ok as they stretch but im not really a dress kinda gal so im having to get used to wearing them. Im also wearing trainers with everything…luckily i have a very colourful collection of trainers 🙈 

Sleeping is getting more difficult as my hips get so sore and nothing seems to help. I quite often wake 4 or 5 times a night. Im dreaming a lot more again, and they can be weird so that then wakes me in the early hours. Then i panic if hes not moving so im wide awake!!! And on we go.

Today im hormonal as balls. We were meant to see the new house to take new pictures, but there must have been a mix up, no estate agent and no current owners!! I was really looking forward to it so it put a dampner on my day, one im struggling to shake.

We had lunch at what will be our local and then popped to Mothercare to look at cribs. I found out my baby monitor of choice, wont work with a moses basket (the sensor pad wont work) so i need a hard based crib. Ive found one that i like though so thats good.

Ive come home and got into bed, im writing the rest of the day off. Ive put together a wishlist on mothercare so i know what i need in future.

Ive also realised i really really dont need anymore clothes up to 1 month/10lbs as i have loads!! 

What i do need to do is stop buying baby bits until we move/after the baby showers. If i leave it too long i get antsy and think im not being organised enough, but i really do have time still. And i need to save money!!! I will need to pay off the travel system soon but again not until the end of March.

Tomorrow we are sorting out a survey on the new house. The mortgage valuation has been done, and i think we passed, its hard to say from the way its written but i think we are good to go on the mortgage front.

Still, the baby is fine and thats what matters. Im glad we have a scan at 28 weeks though as im starting to get a bit anxious as ive not seen him since 23 weeks!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx