I honestly never thought I’d be a Mum to a live baby. I thought i was destined to watch from afar, not feeling that love between Mother and Child.
And then Little T came along and its harder and more beautiful and more rewarding than i ever thought possible.
And I’m so very grateful, everyday, but especially today.
However, i remember. I remember being the Mum in waiting, the bereaved Mum, the pregnant Mum hoping this time it’d be different, so to all of you who are still waiting, still hoping, still grieving, i salute you. Today will be hard but you are stronger than you know and you’ll get through today, one way or another, whatever is easiest, that’s right for you.
Little T (and Mr Me) made me feel very special, with a lovely card, a book with 10 reasons Little T loves me, and wooden picture blocks. Ill keep these things forever, and remember how grateful and lucky i am when i see them.
Today means the world to me, I’m an actual Mummy to an actual little boy who is the most wonderful human
I went back to counselling this week. Mr Me made the referral when i was struggling. In the hour i was there, i managed to cover the time from his birth to my struggles to feeling better.
Over the course of this week ive realised my next session will be my last. I dont need that level of support anymore. I know how to manage my issues now. I can self analyse, know what will make me anxious and why and how to cope with that.
I know ill probably need to be medicated for depression for most of my life but im ok with that. Im ok to admit that i suffer with anxiety and depression, the same way i suffer with and am medicated for asthma. Its just part of my life. Im at peace with that.
Actually, im happy. Im happy i finally have my baby, happy that, despite all the crap, Mr Me and I made it. Happy im a mummy, a wife, a friend.
Worry, sleep deprivation and self doubt are creeping away. Little T is nearly 12 weeks old (oh my god i have a 3 month old) and hes thriving (now that hes being treated for reflux)
Now i get more than 2 hours sleep a night, im more rational, more confident. In the last couple of weeks we have settled into a nice routine.
Ive joined more classes, i spend more time just enjoying Little T and watching him learn and develop. I no longer constantly hold myself up to the impossible standard i set myself.
I now love being his mummy. Now that ive stopped worrying about losing myself, ive found my feet. Im still me, still put my make up on, do my nails when i can, go out with my friends, spend quality time with Mr Me. Im me AND a mummy.
Now i know why we fought so hard for so long, now i know i was right to want this so much.
Ive stopped caring if i get all the washing done, stopped worrying about keeping on top of the housework. It gets done. Not today though. Today ive spent all day snuggling, because he needed me, and i needed him. There wont always be days where we can just snuggle so these days are special.
I have the feels. All the feels. Im besotted, hes amazing, i cant remember life without him
But it took 8 weeks. 8 weeks to admit i loved him, 8 weeks to allow myself those feelings. To be honest im still cautious but my heart swells with his first smile of the day, regardless of my fear.
Infertility sucks on many levels. The months (years) of trying and failing. The agony of a period. The hoops to jump through en route to IVF, the hundreds of injections, watching all your friends have babies. People getting bored of your journey, the agony of IVF failures, of cancelled cycles, of feeling you are worth nothing as a woman. I could go on.
Basically its shit. And you know what, it continues to be shit even though i now have my very own mini human. Why? Because it hindered the love…it took so long for Little T to feel like mine, rather than me looking after someone elses baby. I was waiting for the bubble to burst. A small part of me still is and always will be, i guess.
Im still jealous of the fertile people, they decide to get pregnant and within months, are. No military planning, no saving thousands of pounds. Just happens or a little cycle observation and bam, preggers.
I still envy a bump. Stare in awe. Wish i could do it without investing time and money. Its silly, but true.
Baby loss literally built a wall around my heart. A wall im still chipping away at. Losing 2 children, 2 (IVF) babies, is soul destroying. It messes you up in so many ways. Ways i thought id dealt with. Then Little T came along and i realised i was messed up in ways i didnt imagine.
For weeks i thought i would lose him. That he would die. Thats what my babies did, they died. I was beyond terrified to love this tiny human in case he left me. I couldnt contemplate another loss. I just knew it would break me. So i kept Little T at arms length. Worried that loving him would mean losing him.
That fear consumed me. For so many weeks. Until the fear of seeing my baby, my offspring, in pain. The 8 week immunisations. Thank god for them, not only for the protection they offer but for opening my heart.
Feeling guarded, not loving my child. Shameful? Not at all. Just the way things are after the hand id been dealt. I will always admit to these feelings, ill never regret what ive been through. I truly am a better person for it. Never did i think itd extend this far into my life though…
Ive sounded very doom and gloom since Little T was born. Honestly i am enjoying motherhood, its just very different to what i expected and has literally changed everything. People tell you it changes everything but you dont really understand until it happens!!
But its all worth it…
When he fixes on me with his massive eyes, im transfixed, i cant look away, i can see him studying my face, know he knows that hes safe and wanted with me. My Mum says it his ‘look of love’
When he grabs my finger, my top, my skin, even with his razor sharp nails. Its like he holds onto me for security. I make him feel safe. So does a muslin mind you, but you know. I like to see him grab anything, i have a proud parent moment
When he burps/farts/poos im reassured that his little body is working properly and i marvel at the fact that Mr Me and I (and Team Miracle) made this perfect little human
When he smiles, i melt. I know its only wind at this point but hes got an amazing smile.
When he pouts, i melt. I dunno who taught him to pout but its perfect!!
When he makes random happy sounds, its like hes telling me something, like how the side of his pram really is super interesting. Without fail ill make up a conversation between him and i and often outloud, much to the amusement of onlookers
When i look at his face and see my mouth and eyes, his Daddys hands and forehead and chin, it reminds me of how much Mr Me and I love each other and how hard we worked to make this amazing little human
When people stop me and tell me what a gorgeous boy he is and how much they like his name, im so proud that hes mine.
He hasnt been taken off us, nothing bad has happened. Little T is still here. And it still hasnt sunk in!!
My breastfeeding guilt is fading fast now as my supply has gone. Its reassuring to know that when im in my lavender bath soothing my sore bits, and he stirs, Mr Me can take over.
There is more control with a bottle too, i know exactly how much he is taking which plays into my control freak personality perfectly.
Apparantly he is still a bit Jaundice meaning he has been referred to the prolonged jaundice clinic tomorrow. Mr Me and I then had a #badparentmoment where we questioned what we did wrong. 2 hours later the midwife came round and said the health visotor who referred him was being overly cautious. To me he looks whiter than ever and his eyes are less yellow today than yesterday too. Ill keep him in daylight as much as possible today but with plenty of wet and dirty nappies going on im really hoping we get discharged at his appointment tomorrow.
Im not the parent i thought id be. I thought id freak out the minute he squeaked but i dont, im calm even when hes really shouting and ive impressed myself.
My fear of SIDS is lessening. It never actually crippled me as much as i thought it would. The sensor pad is a massive reassurance and as im awake 22 hours of the day anyway….
I jest, im getting better with sleeping. I can crash in the afternoon when hes asleep in his moses basket sometimes and Mr Me and I are taking the nights in shifts so we both get a few hours of good sleep each.
The sleep deprivation is getting easier to manage now too. My pain is subsiding which is allowing me to relax more, and i can drive again!!!!! This really helps with my anxiety as i love to drive and it gives me a huge sense of control. Im a terrible passenger and i think Mr Me is secretly glad i can drive myself about again too.
We, as a 3, have been fairly busy. Little T had 3 photoshoots last week (meant to be 2 but was wide awake for one of them so had to go back) and weve also been out to the pub twice and to the Trafford Centre. Going to the TC was a massive thing for me. For years ive watched new Mums push their babies around in gleaming prams and wondered if itd ever be me. And then it was and it made me so proud.
I am very proud and very protective of Little T. I think hes amazing and i stare at him for hours without realising. When he fixes on me with his big eyes and i talk to him, its wonderful. But still no rush of love so to speak. Ive no doubt itll come though, the instincts are there, i just need to get over my fear that something will take him away from us. It is lessening day by day i think but after 8 years there is a lot to wade through before reaching the other side.
24 weeks baby, 24 weeks!! We did it. Baby Boy is officially viable and the medical professionals can now help him if he arrives early. This is a massive milestone!
When i found out i was pregnant, i really couldnt imagine being this pregnant. For a long time i thought we wouldnt ever get past 21 weeks. But then i got to 22 weeks and i was like ‘ok we may do this’ and now, bam! 24 fucking weeks!!!
I dont normally swear (on here) but ive been hoping for this day since we lost Milo in 2014, so forgive my potty mouth!
When you grieve a loss, theres a moment when you wake up and you forget you have lost, and then it hits you again. Ive experienced a lot of mornings like that. But lately, ive experienced something very different…
When i wake up, i forget im pregnant for a few moments, then he moves and i think ‘ooosh thats bad wind….hang on no, thats the baby!’ The feeling of elation upon realising this every morning is wonderful, and then the worries kick in and i get on with my day.
Today was no exception, i forgot, remembered and then remembered it was V day too.
As im carrying a viable baby now, i thought it high time to mention to Facebook land that im pregnant. L has mentioned it, as has Mr Me but i never have. This was my post…
I popped on some photos from the 3D scan and the gender reveal video as well as some new photos of my 24 week bump…
As you can see from my VERY cheesy grin, im very pleased with myself!
To celebrate we picked up some baby bits i ordered earlier in the week
After collecting our purchases we went for pancakes as a treat.
My mother in law offered to buy us the cot yesterday (thank you so so much) so we went to have a look at some. I was going to hold off buying one but i found one i loved so a deposit has gone down on that and a chest of drawers with changing table on top. Its beginning to feel very real. I did have to walk out of the shop and build myself up before purchasing them as i do still worry about tempting fate!!
So now he has;
Transport home (car seat)
A place to sleep (moses basket and cot bed)
A place to sit (swing chair)
A way to keep clean
Storage for his clothes
Thats the main things we need so im feeling pretty good, the planner in me is satisfied. For now.
As we have put the house on the market, we’ve spent the rest of the afternoon de-cluttering the house ready for the photographer tomorrow, and viewings on Tuesday. Ive also found a house i love on paper, and im going to book a viewing ASAP. So lets hope ours sells quickly, the agent seems very confident!!
Today, i went back to work. I love my job and the people i work with so i was really looking forward to it.
Even the commute was ok today, hurray!
Symptoms wise, more of the same as yesterday really, though the cramping has been slightly more intense and ive been quite thirsty today. I also get really warm for no good reason throughout the day.
Mostly im noticing how serene and happy im feeling. Nothing seems to be getting to me really, im just protected by my PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) bubble i think. Its lovely.
I know im meant to be staying grounded but i cant help but feel super positive right now. To put a figure on it, im 80% sure we are heading for a positive test!!! As M reminded me, its OK to be excited, i do love being pregnant and i do want to enjoy it if i can.
Another friend yesterday was talking about ‘having a feeling’ when you get pregnant. I know exactly what she means, i just ‘knew’ with Millie (my 2nd pregnancy) and if im honest, im getting that feeling now.
Im trying to take it day by day but i’ve got a really good feeling. Its a lovely feeling.
So instead of day by day, im thinking step by step.
1st step – seeing 2 lines on a pregnancy test next week.
Im not really thinking further than that right now, well im thinking about the Hcg test, but thats only 1 day further than the pregnancy test so hardly counts.
Im fully expecting to have a wobble between now and Tuesday though.
My blood test is on the 21st but im going to pee on a stick (POAS) on the 20th