Tag: happy ending

Things that make me go, WOW

Things that make me go, WOW

Ive sounded very doom and gloom since Little T was born. Honestly i am enjoying motherhood, its just very different to what i expected and has literally changed everything. People tell you it changes everything but you dont really understand until it happens!!

But its all worth it…

When he fixes on me with his massive eyes, im transfixed, i cant look away, i can see him studying my face, know he knows that hes safe and wanted with me. My Mum says it his ‘look of love’

When he grabs my finger, my top, my skin, even with his razor sharp nails. Its like he holds onto me for security. I make him feel safe. So does a muslin mind you, but you know. I like to see him grab anything, i have a proud parent moment

When he burps/farts/poos im reassured that his little body is working properly and i marvel at the fact that Mr Me and I (and Team Miracle) made this perfect little human

When he smiles, i melt. I know its only wind at this point but hes got an amazing smile.

When he pouts, i melt. I dunno who taught him to pout but its perfect!!

When he makes random happy sounds, its like hes telling me something, like how the side of his pram really is super interesting. Without fail ill make up a conversation between him and i and often outloud, much to the amusement of onlookers

When i look at his face and see my mouth and eyes, his Daddys hands and forehead and chin, it reminds me of how much Mr Me and I love each other and how hard we worked to make this amazing little human

When people stop me and tell me what a gorgeous boy he is and how much they like his name, im so proud that hes mine.

Its all worth it. All of it.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

He’s still here!

He’s still here!

He hasnt been taken off us, nothing bad has happened. Little T is still here. And it still hasnt sunk in!!

My breastfeeding guilt is fading fast now as my supply has gone. Its reassuring to know that when im in my lavender bath soothing my sore bits, and he stirs, Mr Me can take over.

There is more control with a bottle too, i know exactly how much he is taking which plays into my control freak personality perfectly.

Apparantly he is still a bit Jaundice meaning he has been referred to the prolonged jaundice clinic tomorrow. Mr Me and I then had a #badparentmoment where we questioned what we did wrong. 2 hours later the midwife came round and said the health visotor who referred him was being overly cautious. To me he looks whiter than ever and his eyes are less yellow today than yesterday too. Ill keep him in daylight as much as possible today but with plenty of wet and dirty nappies going on im really hoping we get discharged at his appointment tomorrow.

Im not the parent i thought id be. I thought id freak out the minute he squeaked but i dont, im calm even when hes really shouting and ive impressed myself. 

My fear of SIDS is lessening. It never actually crippled me as much as i thought it would. The sensor pad is a massive reassurance and as im awake 22 hours of the day anyway….

I jest, im getting better with sleeping. I can crash in the afternoon when hes asleep in his moses basket sometimes and Mr Me and I are taking the nights in shifts so we both get a few hours of good sleep each.

The sleep deprivation is getting easier to manage now too. My pain is subsiding which is allowing me to relax more, and i can drive again!!!!! This really helps with my anxiety as i love to drive and it gives me a huge sense of control. Im a terrible passenger and i think Mr Me is secretly glad i can drive myself about again too.

We, as a 3, have been fairly busy. Little T had 3 photoshoots last week (meant to be 2 but was wide awake for one of them so had to go back) and weve also been out to the pub twice and to the Trafford Centre. Going to the TC was a massive thing for me. For years ive watched new Mums push their babies around in gleaming prams and wondered if itd ever be me. And then it was and it made me so proud.

I am very proud and very protective of Little T. I think hes amazing and i stare at him for hours without realising. When he fixes on me with his big eyes and i talk to him, its wonderful. But still no rush of love so to speak. Ive no doubt itll come though, the instincts are there, i just need to get over my fear that something will take him away from us. It is lessening day by day i think but after 8 years there is a lot to wade through before reaching the other side.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

It’s V day!!!!!!

It’s V day!!!!!!

24 weeks baby, 24 weeks!! We did it. Baby Boy is officially viable and the medical professionals can now help him if he arrives early. This is a massive milestone! 

When i found out i was pregnant, i really couldnt imagine being this pregnant. For a long time i thought we wouldnt ever get past 21 weeks. But then i got to 22 weeks and i was like ‘ok we may do this’ and now, bam! 24 fucking weeks!!! 

I dont normally swear (on here) but ive been hoping for this day since we lost Milo in 2014, so forgive my potty mouth! 

When you grieve a loss, theres a moment when you wake up and you forget you have lost, and then it hits you again. Ive experienced a lot of mornings like that. But lately, ive experienced something very different…

When i wake up, i forget im pregnant for a few moments, then he moves and i think ‘ooosh thats bad wind….hang on no, thats the baby!’ The feeling of elation upon realising this every morning is wonderful, and then the worries kick in and i get on with my day.

Today was no exception, i forgot, remembered and then remembered it was V day too.

As im carrying a viable baby now, i thought it high time to mention to Facebook land that im pregnant. L has mentioned it, as has Mr Me but i never have. This was my post…

I popped on some photos from the 3D scan and the gender reveal video as well as some new photos of my 24 week bump…

Smudge Cat, always wants to be involved
Looks like someone put a football under my T-shirt!
The answer is Yes, Yes it does!

As you can see from my VERY cheesy grin, im very pleased with myself! 

To celebrate we picked up some baby bits i ordered earlier in the week

A swing, a bath, a mobile, a toy and a moses basket!
The Elephant has been nicknamed ‘Harry Elephante’ (Friends Fans should know why!)

After collecting our purchases we went for pancakes as a treat.

My mother in law offered to buy us the cot yesterday (thank you so so much) so we went to have a look at some. I was going to hold off buying one but i found one i loved so a deposit has gone down on that and a chest of drawers with changing table on top. Its beginning to feel very real. I did have to walk out of the shop and build myself up before purchasing them as i do still worry about tempting fate!! 

So now he has;

  • Transport home (car seat)
  • A pram
  • A place to sleep (moses basket and cot bed)
  • A place to sit (swing chair)
  • A way to keep clean
  • Storage for his clothes

Thats the main things we need so im feeling pretty good, the planner in me is satisfied. For now.

As we have put the house on the market, we’ve spent the rest of the afternoon de-cluttering the house ready for the photographer tomorrow, and viewings on Tuesday. Ive also found a house i love on paper, and im going to book a viewing ASAP. So lets hope ours sells quickly, the agent seems very confident!!

I cannot stop smiling!!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

PS – you can start buying now! 

Final Cycle – Day 25

Final Cycle – Day 25

7dp5dt or 12 dpo

A whole week!!!! Its been a whole week since transfer, i cant believe it, its flown by if im honest.

Keeping busy works!! 

So in my previous pregnancies, at this stage i tend to come out in a rash, i call it the ‘progesterone rash’. 

Well….its appeared…albeit less obvious than normal but that could be because the steroids are masking it. I stop them on Wednesday.

Its made me 95% certain we are heading for a BFP. Its a lovely feeling! 

Funnily enough, the tests i ordered yesterday were on my doormat this afternoon! Im still not going to test though! 

My cycle buddy, T, has been testing a few days and today got her BFP, we are at exactly the same point, had the same symptoms so another reason im hopefull! 

Tonight Mr Me and I are going out for a belated birthday meal. Im so excited! I LOVE food at the moment!! 

Heading into the weekend feeling fantastic, what more can you ask for? 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Final Cycle – Day 22

Final Cycle – Day 22

4dp5dt (4 days past a 5day transfer) 

Today, i went back to work. I love my job and the people i work with so i was really looking forward to it.

Even the commute was ok today, hurray! 

Symptoms wise, more of the same as yesterday really, though the cramping has been slightly more intense and ive been quite thirsty today. I also get really warm for no good reason throughout the day.

Mostly im noticing how serene and happy im feeling. Nothing seems to be getting to me really, im just protected by my PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) bubble i think. Its lovely.

I know im meant to be staying grounded but i cant help but feel super positive right now. To put a figure on it, im 80% sure we are heading for a positive test!!! As M reminded me, its OK to be excited, i do love being pregnant and i do want to enjoy it if i can.

Another friend yesterday was talking about ‘having a feeling’ when you get pregnant. I know exactly what she means, i just ‘knew’ with Millie (my 2nd pregnancy) and if im honest, im getting that feeling now.

Im trying to take it day by day but i’ve got a really good feeling. Its a lovely feeling. 

So instead of day by day, im thinking step by step.

1st step – seeing 2 lines on a pregnancy test next week.

Im not really thinking further than that right now, well im thinking about the Hcg test, but thats only 1 day further than the pregnancy test so hardly counts. 

Im fully expecting to have a wobble between now and Tuesday though.

My blood test is on the 21st but im going to pee on a stick (POAS) on the 20th 

On to tomorrow then…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Different isnt bad…

Different isnt bad…

Im well pissed off at myself. I’ve let these negative feelings basically ruin my PUPO bubble. This is NOT like me.

Ok so this cycle is different, well actually better, grade AA embies, thickest lining etc so why am i so negative??

Im symptom spotting thats why. And thats just stupid.

Hcg is only just being released so why would i feel different??? Its TOO EARLY!!!

After a few pep talks from friends, family and the clinic (how awesome are they?!) I am no longer going to be negative.

I hate being negative. Just because its different doesn’t mean its bad. Different can be good.

I now choose to believe that different is good, as in this is my take home baby.

Im so annoyed at myself for letting the crap get to me, i wouldn’t let any one else feel this way so i damn well wont let myself feel this way.

Negativity out, positivity in.

Screw you 2 week wait, im better than you.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

We did it!!!

We did it!!!

We (and Team Miracle) made a healthy baby!!  We got the all clear at our anomaly and foetal heart echo scans yesterday. It really hasn’t sunk in that I’m bringing this baby home, but it’s a relief to know i can enjoy the movement, don’t have to feel guilty when buying baby stuff and i even announced on Facebook yesterday!

It was a tense morning, i felt sick (had vomitted the night before even), and baby lived up to its name by being a complete Rascal during the anomaly scan. Face down making facial measurements very difficult.

Hubby had a hard time watching the scan, i could see how worried and scared he was, but i forced myself to watch, just in case it was bad news again. Early on in the scan, the registrar did say ‘oh that’s not right’ at which point we both flinched and panicked, but it was a typing error, not something she had seen! Phew! 

The Rascal’s brain was measured more than once, and toward the end of the scan hubby and i exchanged a look that said ‘something’s wrong’ but it turned out she was just double checking her work for her boss! 

Im really happy with everything, baby looks fine’ – magical words! 

Whilst she entered the info into a different computer, she changed our viewing screen to an info screen and i exclaimed ‘oh no, i know the sex’ and moments later hubby saw it too….female! The registrar was ever so confused until i showed her what i was looking at, at which point she said sweetly, ‘no that’s YOU!!!’. We did laugh!!! 

Although they won’t change my due date i did notice baby was measuring about a week ahead according to measurements, 1 less week to wait to meet him or her!! 

The consultant came in and double checked the face since The Rascal was still face down, but all is well and we got 2 good pictures, baby even looked at the ‘camera’ right at the end…



Look at that fat belly!! And those Eyes!!! Hubby says The Rascal has my nose, a cute little button! 

Our consultant said he was hapy with everything and that it had been a pleasure looking after us but he didn’t need to see us again! Woohoo!!

We walked across the corridor and had another scan, this time focusing on the heart. Gordon whistled all the way through the scan, showed us the blood ‘slopping’ about the heart (his words not mine) and even showed us the bits Milo was missing to put me at ease. He then also said it was a very boring normal heart and that he saw no reason i needed to be scanned again!!!

NO MORE SCANS!!!! No more sleepless nights the night before, no more pleasing the take home baby gods! We’ve done it! By jove, we have our take home baby! 

The rest of the day was a blur, we are thrilled, although it truly hasnt sunk in yet. It was lovely, however, to look at purchases and realise we wouldnt need to take them back! I’ve signed up to aqua natal again, am looking forward to doing my relax, breath and birth session in a few months, have even talked baby purchases without ending the sentence with ‘if everything’s OK!’

Now to enjoy the next 20ish weeks, growing a healthy baby, although if i get much bigger i may pop!

Now for your amusement, a flowery whale…



Love, Little Miss PMA xxx