I went back to counselling this week. Mr Me made the referral when i was struggling. In the hour i was there, i managed to cover the time from his birth to my struggles to feeling better.
Over the course of this week ive realised my next session will be my last. I dont need that level of support anymore. I know how to manage my issues now. I can self analyse, know what will make me anxious and why and how to cope with that.
I know ill probably need to be medicated for depression for most of my life but im ok with that. Im ok to admit that i suffer with anxiety and depression, the same way i suffer with and am medicated for asthma. Its just part of my life. Im at peace with that.
Actually, im happy. Im happy i finally have my baby, happy that, despite all the crap, Mr Me and I made it. Happy im a mummy, a wife, a friend.
Worry, sleep deprivation and self doubt are creeping away. Little T is nearly 12 weeks old (oh my god i have a 3 month old) and hes thriving (now that hes being treated for reflux)
Now i get more than 2 hours sleep a night, im more rational, more confident. In the last couple of weeks we have settled into a nice routine.
Ive joined more classes, i spend more time just enjoying Little T and watching him learn and develop. I no longer constantly hold myself up to the impossible standard i set myself.
I now love being his mummy. Now that ive stopped worrying about losing myself, ive found my feet. Im still me, still put my make up on, do my nails when i can, go out with my friends, spend quality time with Mr Me. Im me AND a mummy.
Now i know why we fought so hard for so long, now i know i was right to want this so much.
Ive stopped caring if i get all the washing done, stopped worrying about keeping on top of the housework. It gets done. Not today though. Today ive spent all day snuggling, because he needed me, and i needed him. There wont always be days where we can just snuggle so these days are special.
Today has been hard, Little T has been and continues to be so fussy at the bottle. He takes a few sucks, cries and spits it out and then screams bloody murder for it back again and the cycle repeats. Ive tried new bottles, new milk, faster flowing teats. Nothing settles him.
I feel like a failure. Like he hates me. Hes an angel for and around other people, including Mr Me but i feel like i just cant get it right.
Its soul destroying. Hes moany and whiney and i have less patience than i expected. Apparently i used up all my reserves going through IVF.
I feel like i shouldnt complain. I waited 8 years for this. I paid so much and lost so much. And now im shit at it. I cant settle him. I feel shit.
Hes no routine to speak of. He eats when he wants, sleeps when he wants and seems to scream inbetween times. Its bloody hard and i dont know what im doing wrong.
The occassions that hes a shit biscuit (hard work but super sweet hence shit biscuit) for Mr Me serve to remind me its not just me. He can be a shit for others. But mostly its reserved for me, hes all smiles when Daddy walks in
Those 5 minutes of contentment, or when he sleeps on me or beams are me, make it worth it but at times i just feel im not cut out for this.
Talk keeps turning to whether we will have another. Im 10 weeks in so no idea how im meant to know at this point god alone knows. But my answer makes me feel guilty. Its a resounding NO right now. The thought of a new born and toddler is terrifying. Im barely managing as it is. But theres 5 potential babies frozen in Cyprus and the guilt of not giving them a chance combined with knowing how lucky we are to even have Frosties is overwhelming.
I loved pregnancy, til the end, i dreamed of a big family and dont like the idea of Little T not having a sibling, but the thought of doing this again but with a walking, talking, little person in tow just fills me with dread. I hate myself for feeling this way.
On a different note…The way i look has gotten me to the point, where for the first time ever, i want to exercise. I downloaded an app that promises maximum results with minimal effort, “7 minutes a day of HIIT for a fitter, lighter version of you.” I bought active wear and everything to help me commit. I was excited to start. And i did it. All 13 exercises. The last one being star jumps. I was hot sweaty and exhausted, but so close. So i started jumping…and, promptly wet myself!!!!! THIS IS WHY I DONT EXERCISE. I have no pelvic floor it seems. I wasnt even aware it was happening….until i felt very wet. Pass the Tena Lady….no wonder you get free samples in after birth gift packs!! (Ive since replaced star jumps with additional abdo crunches and no more accidents)
Ive sounded very doom and gloom since Little T was born. Honestly i am enjoying motherhood, its just very different to what i expected and has literally changed everything. People tell you it changes everything but you dont really understand until it happens!!
But its all worth it…
When he fixes on me with his massive eyes, im transfixed, i cant look away, i can see him studying my face, know he knows that hes safe and wanted with me. My Mum says it his ‘look of love’
When he grabs my finger, my top, my skin, even with his razor sharp nails. Its like he holds onto me for security. I make him feel safe. So does a muslin mind you, but you know. I like to see him grab anything, i have a proud parent moment
When he burps/farts/poos im reassured that his little body is working properly and i marvel at the fact that Mr Me and I (and Team Miracle) made this perfect little human
When he smiles, i melt. I know its only wind at this point but hes got an amazing smile.
When he pouts, i melt. I dunno who taught him to pout but its perfect!!
When he makes random happy sounds, its like hes telling me something, like how the side of his pram really is super interesting. Without fail ill make up a conversation between him and i and often outloud, much to the amusement of onlookers
When i look at his face and see my mouth and eyes, his Daddys hands and forehead and chin, it reminds me of how much Mr Me and I love each other and how hard we worked to make this amazing little human
When people stop me and tell me what a gorgeous boy he is and how much they like his name, im so proud that hes mine.
In true me style, its a little dramatic. So much so, Mr Me is helping me write this as ive forgotten a lot as i was in ‘the zone’.
We arrived at the delivery ward at about 12.15pm on Monday 15th May 2017. They were expecting us which was fantastic given the hiccups over the weekend
We were shown to our room and met B, our 1st midwife. B talked to us about the process. Monitor baby, break waters, put me on the drip, wait for labour.
I had cannulas inserted for the hormone drip and so blood could be taken. B got flustered, bless her, so another midwife did my 1st cannula.
Bloods taken, it was time for ARM. Artificial removal of membranes. Using a hook. Its a good long hook but not very sharp. It took 2 hooks to get the waters to fully burst. I stood up to get gravity to help…they ran down my leg through 2 pads. I ended up in a puddle.
I was hooked up to the hormone drip to start contractions. Cramps seemed to start quite quickly. All the while im on the CTG to monitor baby. It showed i was having contractions before any drugs were introduced.
It became apparant i had to go to the loo so unhooked from CTG but hormone drip still attached i relieved myself. Better now than later.
The contractions ramped up at this point. Gas and air was in use. I leaned on the bed and over the bean bag. It felt like i couldnt cope, i thought i was soft. B kept telling me it was happening fast but i assumed my pain threshold had dropped. I was overwhelmed.
At 3, D came in, my 2nd midwife, i could barely talk to her at this point but i noted her pink hair and knew we’d get on. She introduced herself, i asked for drugs.
30 minutes later the anaesthetist arrived and took her sweet time setting up meds and pumps. I was litterally on the floor over a beanbag at this point and had to get to the bed for the patient administration device to be attached to my other hand. Its hard moving CTG wires and drips whilst also contracting for Britain. We moved on the count of 3.
Stuff gets blurry now. Mr Me says once hooked up to the good stuff i told the room at large i loved whoever gave me the good drugs.
I was examined and told i was 6cm. I asked ‘is that all?!’ I was told id gone from 3cm to 6cm in less than hour with no increase in meds and thats why i was overwhelmed.
Mr Me says i was sweating like a good un at this point, contracting really hard. 30 minutes later he noticed the remyfentynill cannula had come out and i was bleeding everywhere.
Gas and Air before each contraction as i no longer had access to the good stuff. Another long wait for the anaesthetist despite the emergency alarm being pulled. 10 people turned up including the anaesthetist but they all promptly left again, including the anaesthetist. Mr Me really wanted to kick off on my behalf as only he and my midwives understood i was in agony.
I briefly opened my eyes but really was concentrating on the pain. I remember being asked for my hand and D telling me she had put loads of plasters on as i was sweating so so much.
Examined again at 3.30pm to be told im fully dilated. 3hrs 45minutes after hormone drip administered. Instead of baby being born by midnight, it was going to be MUCH sooner.
15.33 i started pushing. And pushing. And pushing.
I have never sweat so much in my life. I had bought a cooling spray and it was the best thing ever, Mr Me held my gas and air, sprayed me, and gave me water in between coaching. I think id have passed out without the spray and water.
There was a catheter inserted at some point as they thought pushing wasnt working due to full bladder. Didnt feel or register that!!!
Suddenly baby wasnt coping. Surgeons came in. I was going to theatre. Forceps or C Section were on the cards. Risks were being reeled off. I was asked to sign consents. I had no idea what i was signing. I knew i was exhausted and sensed something was wrong. All i could hear/concentrate on was the rain.
D explained what was going on so i stopped taking the meds. I begged her to get me there as i couldnt do any more. My body kept pushing.
I couldnt stop it so i pushed with no pain relief. I was sober. D was in scrubs, when and why that had happened im not sure. She reminded me about theatre. I begged again.
She told me that we werent going after all. I just pushed and she had seen baby. But i couldnt get him out. They had to cut me. I saw the scalpel but didnt register it. I was doing it drug free. And it fucking hurt. 3 pushes after the cut and they pulled him out. 18.01.
Just over 4 hours. 2.5 of those pushing… the Dr who stitched me, that bloody hurt too despite many locals, said i was a hero.
Toby was taken away after he was briefly put on my chest. He was in shock (he was??) and quiet. Mr Me could see him but i couldnt. I asked 40 times if he was ok, was alive. Finally they gave him back. Not once did he cry.
An hour to stitch me up.
No one tells you it feels like your ass has been blown out after birth. My vagina may not have been involved given the sensation i felt upon standing. Its weird. Really weird. I pee’d and had a shower whist Mr Me dressed Tobias.
I thought birth hurt until labour was over. I was wrong. I still cant move properly. Think John Wayne x 1 million.
We moved house!!!! It wasnt plain sailing, we completed late in the day due to my buyers money going missing when it was transferred to us. This caused a few hours delay which then upset the removal people and stressed out Mr Me.
I on the otherhand, had a lovely time at my pedicure, buying paint and having lunch with my Mum.
Around 3.30pm we got the call to say all monies had transferred and we were able to collect keys. Cats were bundled into boxes and i took them, with Mum to get the keys then on to the new house. From then on it was plainer sailing thankfully.
Despite doing as little as possible, i was flat out exhausted for 2 days following the move. I ached all over, was exhausted but struggled to sleep. We missed dinner with our NCT friends as i just didnt have the energy.
Having said all that, it was TOTALLY worth it. I LOVE my new house, the area, everything. Im so so pleased we moved before baby arrived as despite only being here 5 days, 3 of the 4 rooms that need decorating are done and everything should be in place by next weekend before my induction.
This is largely thanks to M the decorator, J, my Mum and Bro and L, Mr Me’s Mum. Everyone has really pulled together to get things unpacked, boxes taken away to the tip and to make the house liveable. I couldnt be more grateful. I have found it quite frustrating that i cant help as much as id like to, but at 8 months gone, its difficult to sit up on my own, never mind unpack a box!!
I MADE IT TO FULL TERM!!!!!!!!
Yesterday marked 37 weeks of pregnancy. I dont think i ever thought we would get to this point, but here i am sporting a rather large bump with a fully cooked baby inside. OMG
As thrilled as i am, im also so done with being pregnant now. Hats off to ladies who make it to 40 weeks and beyond, i dont know how they do it. Im tired of needing help to sit up, to stand, of my feet being so swollen they dont in fit any shoes. Im tired of waddling, of peeing all the time, of aching after 5 minutes of activity. Im sick of worrying about whether he is moving enough, of not being able to bend my fingers without being in pain, of my clothes not fitting.
Im ready to meet him, to know hes safe, to be a Mummy. Ive 6 days to go until we start induction but i know those 6 days are going to be a lifetime. Dont get me wrong, im hugely grateful to have reached this point, i just want him here in my arms and my body back.
I felt the need to get organised yesterday as a distraction, so a few baby things were built
I do feel better having a few items assesmbled but conversely, worry im tempting fate. Even at this late stage i do see it as 6 days in which things can go wrong. Which is sad and another reason i want him here, in the world, where i can keep an eye on him
After a little practice with the pram, ive collapsed it and stored it, just in case, old wives tale, but its bad luck to have wheels in the house before baby arrives.
The lounge however is looking very family like with moses basket and swing in situ. Mr Me and I were marvelling at how far we have come last night. Its been a LONG 8 years, but we’ve nearly made it.
We finally have a move date!!! We get the keys after the bank holiday, 11 days before my induction. Talk about pushing it.
We found out Tuesday we would be moving in 7 days!!! Thankfully i perform well under pressure and have arranged the removal firm who will also pack, contacted near enough everyone about change of address, arranged for utilities to be transfered, set up a mail redirection service, researched GPs and Vets.
Ive got us both a new dentist too near our new home. We both have new patient appointments, when the little dude is here!!!! It was so strange as we were talking about baby sitting duties on the day, because you know, WE WILL ACTUALLY HAVE A BABY!!!!!
Im already a little anxious about leaving him but im putting it to the back of my mind and reminding myself it will be good for both Mr Me and I to get out and about following his birth on our own, i have a PM appointment and Mr Me has an AM appointment so childcare wont be an issue…unless i crack and take him with me!!
Ive arranged for family and friends to help with the move and im even hopeful i can get the decorating done in time! My white goods are ordered and arriving the day after the move, my bed and nursery furniture arrive the following week. I know what colour themes im having in the rooms that need decorating, ive got Feliway to keep the cats calm once they get there as well as new catnip toys so they dont hate me too much.
Wardrobe boxes arrived last night and watching Mr Me assemble one was hysterical 😂 DIY isnt his thing bless him. Splash enjoyed the finished product though…
We finally exchanged contracts this afternoon…for a while it didnt look like it would happen due to issues with my buyer, and the people we are buying from, but with minutes left on the clock, it all came good.
I love a project but the downside is my overactive brain at night. Between little dude partying til 3am and the cogs turning about what else needs doing, ive not slept well all week. In fact at 1am this morning i was online shopping for blankets and nappies (all of which is getting delivered to the new house, eeeep!). Im luckily OK on minimal sleep and its all good practice but being able to lie in is great!!!
The baby partying til all hours is also very welcome as he had a couple of quiet-ish days which is always a worry, but hes back at full speed now.
Im so big i now have to eat at a table, i used to eat off my knee, then a lap table, but this is no longer do-able due to the massive bump!!! Instead, I sit in the corner of the lounge feeling sorry for myself!
I got measured and bought my 1st nursing bras today. The lady who measured me said she thought the bump had dropped a bit, i think she was being kind really. He still feels high, im starting to get very occassional pressure down low, but as im not a first time mum its likely he wont engage until im in labour probably!!
Im still feeling good about the induction, no worries really other than being bored, i think ill buy monopoly just to be safe. Having said that, i cannot imagine that in just over 2 weeks there will be an actual human that we have created, who is utterly dependent on us to survive. Bump definitely doesnt equal baby yet!!!
Well its been quite a week. Im fact the next few weeks will be hugely busy, more so if we get to move house!!!
We had our first NCT class on Wednesday. It was actually really informative and nice to do something ‘normal’. For us, planning a labour is weird! Im used to turning up, going through it blind and going home empty handed, so to actually learn about the different stages of labour, what Mr Me can do to be a part of it etc. is fascinating.
The 1st session was getting to know each other and what we want out of the course really but we did learn about the different hormones involved, how its best to be in a darkened room and not be on my back for delivery. I now have something to actually put in my birth plan!!!
Thursday was hospital day…another growth scan. Had a good chat with my midwife prior, how ive been feeling mentally and physically. I have been more anxious but it appears to be normal First Time Mum (FTM) worries, woohoo! I did forget to mention my heart palpatations and suspected Carpel Tunnel Syndrome though so must remember at my next appointment.
The scan went well, the little dude is head down, measuring well and is now estimated to weigh 4lb 3oz. Thats a 1lb 2oz growth in 3 weeks!!! 🤤🤤
During the scan i was asked how i would feel about being induced at 38 weeks, i said thatd be fine, awesome in fact, so im booked to go in at 38 weeks exactly…6 weeks from now!
On Friday i was meant to see Russell Howard live but sadly i had to leave work early as i felt really poorly. No energy, sleepy, achey, just off. I came home and ended up sleeping a lot. We had booked Russell Howard as a consolation prize last year in case we werent pregnant. I was gutted for Mr Me as it was a gift for him but he reminded me of the above and said he didnt mind. I really couldnt have made it.
After a good sleep, i did feel a bit better for Saturday. I was up early to have my hair done whilst the house was prepped for my very own baby shower.
I honestly didnt think id ever get to have my own shower. My Mum and Mr Me did a wonderful job decorating
And J did some amazing cupcakes
I was and am so very grateful for all the effort that was put in.
LOADS of people turned up, it was fantastic, people id not seen in a long time. And the gifts, wow.
I truly was humbled by the effort people had gone to. There is so much love toward the little dude, Mr Me and I, it was spectacular.
My mum carefully packed my beautiful gifts away for me so they dont get damaged during the housemove.
Speaking of, im really really hoping we get a date for the move this week. 6 weeks to the birth really isnt a long time and i want my house in order before he arrives. We will start applying pressure to our buyer this week, hes had more time than us and is weeks behind.
By the end of the shower i was pretty shattered, but had time for a quick pic
S is a fairly big You Tube star and has included our baby shower in her family’s latest vlog
Give it a view, they are such a lovely family!!
I woke up this morning absolutely worn out again. I think its my anaemia combined with being 32 weeks pregnant. But oh my its wiping me out.
Only 6 more shifts before i finish for mat leave, my body needs the rest i can tell you. Today, little dude has discovered a new trick. Kicking the hell out of some nerve on my right side. Its stop me in my tracks agony. Dont get me wrong, its great to know hes OK in there, but OUCH!!! Another new development this week…CANKLES
So, 6 weeks to go, lots to do but more to be grateful for
Today we saw the little dude today for the 1st time in forever, well, 5 weeks!!
I had my pre term clinic cervical scan 1st, its 3cm and closed so ive been signed off from that clinic now!! Woohoo. No more dates with the dildocam!!
Then we moved onto the growth scan. He has a huge head (to me, for pushing out. HC is 285mm!!), big tummy and average thigh bone length.
His estimated weight as of today is 3lbs 1oz. He’s huge!!!
My amniotic fluid levels are normal, my placenta still posterior and high with normal structure and blood flow to baby and placenta are excellent.
Essentially im text book. WOW!!!
He has gone from the 46th centile to the 67th centile but all tracking well so no concerns!
I had routine bloods done, my blood pressure and urine are fine. All in all im physically fine. Next scan is in 3 weeks.
After the exams i had a chat with V. I had 2 worries today.
1 – not being on a ward after the birth. I really think my anxiety will spike if im surrounded by other Mums and Babies. I dont sleep well at the best of times and being on a ward means i wouldnt sleep at all. I really want to establish breastfeeding if i can before leaving and i think id be too flustered in a ward. I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it.
V said that when we do my birth plan she will pop all the above down and recommend a private room if there is one available. I totally understand that other Mummies may need it more than me though so its not a gurantee, but she said the ward will try really hard. So thats 1 anxiety down
2 – i dont want to go over 40 weeks. We know exactly when i concieved and placentas arent made to last forever and i worry about it failing after 40 weeks.
V said that ill most likely be induced at 38 weeks as that really is term and research shows its a good time for baby to be born. This will be brought forward if there are concerns, but it was music to my ears. We will firm up at date nearer the time but looks like the little dude will be here within the next 10 weeks. Eeeeep. Its actually more like 9 weeks on saturday….
So that was my morning! Exciting, nerve wracking, scary but good scary, stuff.
Mr Me has now emailed our solicitor to see if we can speed up the house move too as we are currently set to move late April with baby now due mid May.