Tag: IVF

And so it begins…

And so it begins…

The desperation. The hoping i won’t come on. The praying we get lucky.

Already! We don’t cycle til September and I’m already obsessed.

Ugh! This is what IVF does. It seeps into every corner of your life. Makes you crazy. Makes you feel inadequate.

Roll on September and i hope we get a BFP as i will not be cycling again. We plan to defrost all the embryos so there is no second attempt at a sibling. IVF has been part of our lives for 7 years and we NEED to move on.

I know its the right thing to do. I know I’m so lucky to have Little T. I also know ill be devastated if it doesn’t work. So between now and then, i need to prepare myself, so I’m not broken if it doesn’t work.

In the mean time, there’s the MS diagnosis to contend with. I’ve got many symptoms going on. It started with a numb tongue for 10 days. 2 weeks later my right side went numb for about 3 weeks.

Its progressed to:

  • Lack of control in right arm and leg
  • Fine motor skills encumbered, can’t butter toast, put a key in the lock, stir a cup of tea etcetera.
  • Slurred speech
  • Fatigue
  • Balance affected

I’ve had a brain scan via MRI and I’m awaiting an appointment with a specialist. The symptoms seem to get worse with each ‘episode’ they progress quicker and last longer. I’ve had enough.

To top it all of off, my GP wants to review my anti depressants with a view to reducing them.

The appointment is next week and I’m anxious and scared. I’m not ready and i plan to tell him this and fight to stay on my current dose.

So, there’s a lot going on and I’m having some down days. I can’t even have a glass of wine as i can’t handle it, probably due to my rubbish brain, i just get stupidly drunk and make a fool of myself!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

PS sorry about the i’s M 😉

Advertisements
Dumbass

Dumbass

Im so stupid, i mentioned on a competition on Facebook that we are planning to IVF again before blogging it.

So, we are planning a Frozen Embryo Transfer in September. I’m on holiday in North Cyprus anyway so makes sense to give it a go!

If it works, Little T will be just 2 when the new one arrives. Gulp! But people manage, and so will we.

I’ve 5 frozen and the plan is to defrost all of them and put best 2 back. This will stop me trying again and again. I don’t want IVF to take over again.

The bump envy won’t go away, even labour stories were making me jealous, but now we have made a decision, i feel at ease, peaceful almost and excited!

I’m excited to love another little person and give T a playmate. I also know that if it doesn’t work, T is meant to be an only child who we can spoil endlessly. Win win really.

Not getting any younger and biological clock is ticking away. I’m also being investigated for MS which has pushed my timeline up. That’s another story though.

So…big news

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Broody, Jealous, Both or Neither

Broody, Jealous, Both or Neither

Do i want another baby?!

Maybe. Possibly. I don’t know!

I have times where I’d love another little person to love

And then i think about how hard it’d be, having two

Then i think, do it sooner rather than later, get the lack of sleep, the nappies, the weaning out the way ASAP

And then i think of how hard that’d be logistically.

Would i even get pregnant again? Would it be as terrifying as last time?

Would the baby be healthy?!!!

Can i put Mr Me and my family through that?

I’m jealous of a bump, i miss the feeling of a baby moving, i miss feeling special, i miss growing life.

I don’t miss not being able to turn over, or being so big i can barely move, or having swollen feet/ankles/hands

Logistically, how do you food shop with a newborn and toddler? How do you attend groups with a babe in arms and (hopefully) one on the move? (Little T is still pretty stationary for now, and toothless i might add)

How would we raise the capital for IVF and then pay for a baby on one wage?

Will Little T be lonely as an only child? Am i thinking about a second because it seems like that’s the socially acceptable thing to do?

When people go into labour, i envy them. Despite it being the most painful thing EVER and the recovery being horrendous, the memory is becoming a sweet one, i see now how women convince themselves it wasn’t as bad as they thought.

I like having spare bedrooms, and i worry the kids would fight endlessly and i wouldn’t cope.

But i think about having another daily. Sometimes i think it’d be great, other days i have a near on panic attack.

Is there a good age gap? Is going from 1 to 2 as hard as they say?

How do you KNOW you want another?

Heeellllppppp

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Stop cutting IVF

Stop cutting IVF

Today I was asked by Fertility UK if I’d comment on Trafford CCG possibly cutting funding to IVF to the local news

They need to save £20m, cutting IVF would save £400k. Hardly worth it in my opinion.

They also pay more than other CCGs so could shop around and save instead of denying anyone IVF.

Anyway, here we are…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Cats out of the bag…

Cats out of the bag…

As of Wednesday, i became a stay at home mum.

I handed my notice in at work. A month earlier than needed but i wanted to give as much notice as possible.

It was weird. I love my job, i really do. I just love being at home with Little T, more.

I’m in the minority, most of the Mums i know can’t or don’t want to stay at home. I feel very lucky that i can.

Little T is changing so much now and i don’t want to miss a thing. (Although he is some how moving and i always miss how he does it…I’m thinking bum shuffle?!)

Motherhood is everything i wanted it to be, and more.

Don’t get me wrong, there are days i want to pull my hair out and can’t wait for Mr Me to come home to give me a break, but 95% of the time, Little T is a joy to be around.

He is now 9 months old, weighed in at 20+lbs a couple of weeks ago, still can’t roll over and has no teeth, but he has the most amazing smile, loves music and his sensory toys. He babbles a lot (like his Mum) and loves food.

I’m so ridiculously lucky

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Keep talking, wear a pineapple

Keep talking, wear a pineapple

Ive got mine, have you got yours?

Show your support and keep the conversation going about infertility by wearing your pineapple badge.

The original concept is by IVF Babble a great website about infertility, IVF and everything in between.

Many celebs have joined the campaign, and you can too.

Badges can be purchased via Amazon

Go on, wear a pineapple, have a chat, tell your story

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

New Year, No Plan

New Year, No Plan

2018 is around the corner…its the first year in however long that i dont have a project 

Its either been; get pregnant or stay pregnant for so many years.

And now? Now there is no plan.

Its weird but utterly amazing. IVF and loss is exhausting. Its all consuming. This year there will be none of that.

2018 is about making memories…enjoying Little T and rejoicing that IVF isnt on the cards, nor is another loss.

We have 2 holidays booked, so far. Mr Me will despair if i book another break! So ill try not to! 

2018, im ready for you and i hope itll be one of the best

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Guilt

Guilt

I feel a lot of guilt. 

Mummy guilt…am i doing enough to stimulate him, does he watch too much TV, is he bored? Am i keeping him warm enough/cool enough, is he happy? Am i feeding him the right food? 

All in all this guilt i think is normal for any parent and i try not to let it ruin my day, but in the middle of the night, it eats away at me.

Sibling guilt. I dont want to try for another baby. I feel like, in the IVF world, im the only person who doesnt want another baby. Im too scared of another loss, Little T has escaped his Dad’s blood condition and my asthma, hes perfect, i like my life how it is. I dont think i could manage a newborn and a toddler. All legit reasons. But i feel guilty anyway. Like i should want another baby, that i should give Little T a sibling. I feel selfish and i hate that.

Infertility guilt. Christmas is tomorrow. For the first time in a decade, i dont feel an overwhelming sense of sadness, for the first time in a long time, we have a tree and decorations. I dont need to hide away, i dont feel angry at the world. I dont feel broken

But i do feel guilty. I feel guilty because i know so many other people who havent got their baby yet, i know this time of year is horrific for them. I feel guilty because i remember it all too well.

I feel guilty because it happened for me and not them

I know i went through the mill to get Little T, that i deserve to be happy, but once you suffer infertility, i think ot stays with you for life. I feel guilty for feeling jealous when someone announces a pregnancy. I dont even want another baby. But im still jealous. Infertilility is life long.

So, for those of you lucky enough to have all your dreams come true, enjoy tomorrow, cherish every moment. 

For those of you still waiting, do what you have to just to get through it. Hide, drink, rant, rave, avoid whatever hurts you. Dont worry about letting people down, theyll forgive you.

Merry Christmas

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

NHS Funded IVF

NHS Funded IVF

There has been a lot of press recently regarding whether or not the NHS should fund IVF. 

Many CCGs have cut all funding and all but 3 of those that do provide IVF do not provide the recommended 3 cycles.

Funded IVF has become dependant on postcode. The ability to access IVF is now wealth based, not need based.

Ive been following articles regarding this subject on facebook. Reading the comments has either made my blood boil or made me weep…

‘Infertility isnt life threatening’. No, but the side effects (depression being a big one) are.

‘Infertility isnt an illness.’ Yes it is. Something doesnt work that should meaning a baby cannot be made the traditional way.

‘Having a child is a choice’. Nope. I NEEDED to be a Mummy. I NEEDED a biological child.

‘IVF shouldnt be funded as fostering/adoption is a better alternative.’ No. Simply not true. As above, for some, if not most, having a biological child isnt just a want, its a need.

‘If you cant afford IVF you shouldnt have children. Plain and simple’. By that logic there should be no child benefit, no child/working tax credits. If you lose your job your child should be taken away and given to a family who can afford them. In fact, unless you earn £X amount you shouldnt be allowed to concieve.

The majority of these arguments have been argued by couples able to concieve by the way.

Many of the arguments against funding revolve around it not being a medical need…tummy tucks, boob jobs, lipo, all provided on the NHS due to the mental health impact of not having these surgeries on a patient.

How is IVF different? A couple are not awarded funding willy nilly. There are so many hoops. Length of time trying, length of time living together, years of investigations, years of other treatments, smoker status, BMI. Its not an easy option. 

I totally agree that once you have a living child, the funding stops. However if that child is from a previous relationship i do think 1 cycle of IVF should be funded. At the moment, people are being punished for having step children, which doesnt allay the NEED for a biological child.

The other problem people have is, IVF doesnt guarantee a couple a child. Hate to break this to you, but nor does the tradtional method. Otherwise every time a couple had unprotected sex during ovulation, a woman would be pregnant.

There does need to be a national standard on how much a CCG is charged per cycle of IVF. That would help enormously as some areas are charged 3 times more than others. However, that issue should affect the patient. Ever.

The widespread cutting of funding means thousands of couples are left without any options. I was lucky. I was awarded 2 cycles. Used 1 and then borrowed money to go abroad, the rest of my IVF was funded by inheritance. I opted out of my second cycle to access better treatment abroad. That was my choice. Choice being the key word. No funding means no choice. 

Alcoholics, smokers and over eaters all have a choice. And whichever choice they make, the NHS is there to help. So why are infertile couples any different? 

They arent. 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

#IVFis40

#IVFis40

So this year marks 40 years since the 1st IVF baby was born.

In honour of National Fertility Awareness week, i wanted to share some of my experiences/memories.

Ive done a whopping 9 cycles. 3 of those resulted in no embryo transfer. Of the other 6, 3 worked. Im INCREDIBLY lucky to have such good numbers. Sadly, only 1 pregnancy made it to term. The other 2 were lost at 21 weeks.

I remember after being referred for IVF i cried. I honestly thought we’d make a baby the normal way (or as i now say, traditional way). We had no idea there was a problem at the time of referral either.

Then at our 1st meeting at the clinic we are told i have polycystic ovaries (but not the syndrome) and he has poor sperm in terms of count, morphology and mobility. We have 0.01% chance of making a baby tradtionally.

Then the wait to cycle. I think the waiting was one of the worst things for me. Youve got your head round the idea and then you have to wait. Wait your turn. Get knocked back due to clinic being full/bank holidays/clinic closing for a clean/incubators not working/hormones inbalanced/uterine lining too thin…all of those were actual reasons i couldnt start a cycle or why i couldnt have an embryo transferred.

The 1st time i was naive. I got 23 eggs, the most that day. But only 13 fertilised. Youre not warned the numbers drop so fast. I got ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome but didnt tell the clinic in case they cancelled my cycle. I was really quite poorly but i was also desperate. Itd been 2.5yrs of trying by then. By transfer day i had 3 embryos left and a touch of OHSS. The transfer went ahead. 10 days later my period started.

Little did i know itd take another 6 years and 8 cycles before i brought a baby home.

I started out shy, taking my knickers off for a scan, WHILST on my period, was mortifying! By the end, id take my knickers off as easy as most people take off a pair of sunglasses when entering a room.

I knew all the acronyms, i was a huge contributer to online communities, i read all the research, ate brazil nuts, pineapple core, avocado, whatever the lastest study revealed. 

I lived, breathed and loved IVF. Im still an advocate for talking about infertility, and now, sadly, terminations for medical reasons and late miscarriage.

I went abroad, to Cyprus, for my final 4 cycles of IVF. I met a wonderful team at my chosen clinic. They blessed me with 2 pregnancies including the one who made it to term. They are like family, and i like to think im paying for thier kids to go to uni!! Haha! 

They were the best of times but also the worst of times

Even now, with my miracle rainbow baby sleeping upstairs, im still jealous of a pregnancy bump. 

I have 5 frozen embryos, im exceptionally lucky. But im not sure i can do anymore IVF. Its emotionally draining, its a lifestyle not just a treatment. Its scary and hard and consumes your very being.

Im so grateful for IVF. I am truly lucky to live in an age where treatments get better every year. Still, i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx