Tag: jealousy

Broody, Jealous, Both or Neither

Broody, Jealous, Both or Neither

Do i want another baby?!

Maybe. Possibly. I don’t know!

I have times where I’d love another little person to love

And then i think about how hard it’d be, having two

Then i think, do it sooner rather than later, get the lack of sleep, the nappies, the weaning out the way ASAP

And then i think of how hard that’d be logistically.

Would i even get pregnant again? Would it be as terrifying as last time?

Would the baby be healthy?!!!

Can i put Mr Me and my family through that?

I’m jealous of a bump, i miss the feeling of a baby moving, i miss feeling special, i miss growing life.

I don’t miss not being able to turn over, or being so big i can barely move, or having swollen feet/ankles/hands

Logistically, how do you food shop with a newborn and toddler? How do you attend groups with a babe in arms and (hopefully) one on the move? (Little T is still pretty stationary for now, and toothless i might add)

How would we raise the capital for IVF and then pay for a baby on one wage?

Will Little T be lonely as an only child? Am i thinking about a second because it seems like that’s the socially acceptable thing to do?

When people go into labour, i envy them. Despite it being the most painful thing EVER and the recovery being horrendous, the memory is becoming a sweet one, i see now how women convince themselves it wasn’t as bad as they thought.

I like having spare bedrooms, and i worry the kids would fight endlessly and i wouldn’t cope.

But i think about having another daily. Sometimes i think it’d be great, other days i have a near on panic attack.

Is there a good age gap? Is going from 1 to 2 as hard as they say?

How do you KNOW you want another?

Heeellllppppp

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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Not always the Most Wonderful Time of Year

Not always the Most Wonderful Time of Year

The last week or so has been a fairly calm one, for me anyway, im always a bit anxious. Having seen a healthy heart, i can now believe it when the midwife uses the Doppler at my weekly appointments. The midwife also keeps feeling my tummy with her VERY cold hands so i asked what she was doing. She is feeling my uterus and showed me where the top is, its a bit higher than it should be, so im measuring 20 weeks instead of 17 at the moment. Its hardly a big shock though, i know im huge!

Baby is also moving a fair bit now, however when i have quiet days, my anxiety spikes again. We have progressed from pops – basically started the same evening i paid for a reassurance scan – cheeky baby. We then went to flutters, which is mainly what im feeling now but i also get the occasional nudge too. Baby still has loads of room, so sometimes i get a lot and other days, barely anything. i think i felt baby roll over last night when i was in bed too.

Movement is my favourite thing about being pregnant, its such a magical feeling and really cements that there is actually a little person in there.

We are fast approaching the ‘scary week’. Week 21. I can feel myself getting quite anxious about it already but i try to think about other things when this happens. The pregnancy is now speeding up and i do wonder how much longer I’ve got. I cant think about the end or having a take home baby as that still seems crazy far away, but losing the baby is fairly prevalent in my mind.

Xmas is fast approaching, in fact, its 2 days away and my Facebook is filled with babies dressed in xmas outfits and a fair few birth announcements too (congratulations to you all by the way). Its still hard. Im still jealous.

Even though im pregnant, it still stings to see these happy families. I think even if Milo and Millie were with us, id still feel a pang of jealousy, but as it is, over the years, ive grown to hate Christmas. Its all about family and kids. I have so desperately wanted that for so many years that i find the whole season unbearable. (not to mention the commercialism or the fact that it starts in September now). Ive been pregnant for 3 of the last 4 Christmases, and as yet have nothing to show for it.

Im very lucky in that i have some very very sensitive friends, who think of people like me at this time of year and try not to go overboard with the baby stuff, but i feel bad for them, as the majority of these people struggled, why shouldn’t they show off their little miracles?  Those that haven’t struggled, well why would they think twice about posting about their kids at this very special time of year?

So we infertiles sit in the shadows, broody and sulking but outwardly trying to join in, trying to smile and laugh along with the rest of them whilst we fight our own private battle. As i type i have an xmas jumper and xmas socks and xmas nails, so i fit in and dont come across too Grinch link, but at my home, well you wouldn’t know its xmas.

We have no tree up, no decorations or twinkly fairy lights. the wrapped presents are stacked in a corner, out of sight. Everyone assures us that ‘next year will be different’ and i truly hope that they are right, i really do. If its not though, i wont be in the country next xmas, i will be on a beach somewhere, drinking a cocktail, trying to forget.

So to all of you still waiting on your miracle, i salute you, i know the next few days wont be easy.

To those of you that have your baby’s, enjoy every second with them, make the most of this special time of year, dress them up, make them laugh, spoil them. i know i will when its my turn.

Merry Xmas

Lots of Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

sad-xmas-tree

Jealousy is an ugly emotion

Jealousy is a nasty thing and not something i experience regularly. I dont get jealous when it comes to hubby, i have no reason to, we are so commited to each other, i have no reason to be jealous.

Ive always found pregnant women make me jealous, doubly so at the moment. Even though im still active on my forum, some days, like today, something hits me and makes me bitter and angry

I should have been 24 weeks on wednesday. The magic number when baby becomes viable, and the hospital will do everything they can to help a baby survive after this date.

For me its just a pipe dream…something i aspire to, not something i can ever achieve though. Or at least thats how i feel right now.

Why us? Why again? Have we not been through enough, paid our dues?

Why is this happening to us when it seems everyone around me has simple straightforward pregnancies?

How is this fair? We have tried harder and for longer than anyone i know and im still left out in the cold, childless, miserable, and so very jealous.

I do not like being jealous, it makes me into someone im not, bad thoughts cross my mind, horrid things that i dont want to feel, ever.

1 was bad but 2, 2 precious babies taken from me, my life stolen.

42 weeks and 5 days, thats how long in total i have been pregnant…but still i have empty arms.

I write this just to get it out, in case it helps me, it hasnt yet….another bad day on the cards

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx