Today marks the end of babyloss awareness week. For those of us unlucky enough to have experienced babyloss, everyday is awareness day.
It lives with you. Even if you have a sunshine baby (before a loss) and/or rainbow baby (after a loss) you never forget your angel baby/ies.
People expect you to move on, to get over it, but how do you say goodbye to someone you never met? How do you stop wondering what you missed?
My favourite part of this years campaign has been what to say and what not to say to someone going through babyloss.
The amount of shitty things that were said to me after both losses was insane. I was the one grieving and yet i had to smile and nod at the downright awful and often stupid things people said to me. I was often reminded people were ‘just trying to help’ but they were hurting me even more.
So, here is a list of what NOT to say
Everything happens for a reason
At least you know you can get pregnant
Try not to dwell on it
It was early, dont think of it as a baby
Its just a heavy period
You need to look to the future
Its time to move on
Things you SHOULD say/do
Im sorry for your loss
Its ok to cry
Im here for you
Use the baby’s name in conversation
Dont shy away from talking about the loss
I wish i could do more to help
The pain will get easier to live with
You need to grieve
So here are my candles for my angels, surrounding my rainbow. They will burn for the next hour as part of the worldwide wave of light.
I also have a more permanent reminder of my angels
Mr Me designed this for me 10 years ago. I kept meaning to get it done but life and IVF and loss got in the way.
After Little T was born I added the colour for Milo and Millie and the 3, for the 3 T’s (me, hubby and little T)
Ive sounded very doom and gloom since Little T was born. Honestly i am enjoying motherhood, its just very different to what i expected and has literally changed everything. People tell you it changes everything but you dont really understand until it happens!!
But its all worth it…
When he fixes on me with his massive eyes, im transfixed, i cant look away, i can see him studying my face, know he knows that hes safe and wanted with me. My Mum says it his ‘look of love’
When he grabs my finger, my top, my skin, even with his razor sharp nails. Its like he holds onto me for security. I make him feel safe. So does a muslin mind you, but you know. I like to see him grab anything, i have a proud parent moment
When he burps/farts/poos im reassured that his little body is working properly and i marvel at the fact that Mr Me and I (and Team Miracle) made this perfect little human
When he smiles, i melt. I know its only wind at this point but hes got an amazing smile.
When he pouts, i melt. I dunno who taught him to pout but its perfect!!
When he makes random happy sounds, its like hes telling me something, like how the side of his pram really is super interesting. Without fail ill make up a conversation between him and i and often outloud, much to the amusement of onlookers
When i look at his face and see my mouth and eyes, his Daddys hands and forehead and chin, it reminds me of how much Mr Me and I love each other and how hard we worked to make this amazing little human
When people stop me and tell me what a gorgeous boy he is and how much they like his name, im so proud that hes mine.
At 2.30am i was contracting away so had some paracetamol and codeine whilst a doctor looked over my notes to see if i was allowed more Prostin (the induction med). He agreed i could have another dose but as i was painfully contracting, the midwives decided to hold back.
At 4am, with the aid of gas and air, i had an internal. Babys head is low down meaning cervix has been pushed back. It took 2 midwives to determine i was 2-3cm dilated and still had 0.5cm in length.
At 5am the contractions stopped. Dead. Not even a twinge. Was told i was ready for them to artificially rupture membranes (break my waters) at 5.30am but that we were waiting on a bed in delivery.
Im still waiting. And im bored.
Managed 2hrs broken sleep to be woken up to the woman next door giving birth. In the induction ward. Not even the right fecking place.
Spent well over an hour on the monitor this morning as baby was super active so took ages to get his base line heart rate settled.
Was told i was being moved to a bay of 4, freaked out but got dressed (into new PJs that were meant for post partum) did my make up and packed, to be then told i was staying put.
Went for a decaf Costa and a walk. Came back to my room so Mr Me could massage my sore back, had another hours sleep and still no progress with labour or a bed.
Im seriously wondering if ill ever meet this baby.
Today i had my 24th and final scan. The little man is happy and healthy and estimated at 7lb3oz. That sounds manageable.
I did say ‘shit’ when i saw the measurement across the top of his head…9.3cm. Its normal but bloody hell i have to push that out 🤔😕🤤
In less than 48 hours the induction process begins. It seems so close but so far away. It doesnt seem real still. Ive been getting the house sorted and setting up the nursery and it doesnt click that MY baby will be using it, that ill be bringing baby home this time.
Being honest, i havent enjoyed the washing of everything or the setting up of the nursery and stuff in our room. Ive found it tough, like im tempting fate or that itll amount to nothing. Even putting the car seat base in seems a step too far. Its overwhelming and makes me a bit uncomfortable.
Ive also realised that babies need A LOT of stuff, most of which involves a plug!!!
I just cant imagine having a real life baby but at the same time cant wait for him to be out so i can see, touch, smell and hold him.
We finally have a move date!!! We get the keys after the bank holiday, 11 days before my induction. Talk about pushing it.
We found out Tuesday we would be moving in 7 days!!! Thankfully i perform well under pressure and have arranged the removal firm who will also pack, contacted near enough everyone about change of address, arranged for utilities to be transfered, set up a mail redirection service, researched GPs and Vets.
Ive got us both a new dentist too near our new home. We both have new patient appointments, when the little dude is here!!!! It was so strange as we were talking about baby sitting duties on the day, because you know, WE WILL ACTUALLY HAVE A BABY!!!!!
Im already a little anxious about leaving him but im putting it to the back of my mind and reminding myself it will be good for both Mr Me and I to get out and about following his birth on our own, i have a PM appointment and Mr Me has an AM appointment so childcare wont be an issue…unless i crack and take him with me!!
Ive arranged for family and friends to help with the move and im even hopeful i can get the decorating done in time! My white goods are ordered and arriving the day after the move, my bed and nursery furniture arrive the following week. I know what colour themes im having in the rooms that need decorating, ive got Feliway to keep the cats calm once they get there as well as new catnip toys so they dont hate me too much.
Wardrobe boxes arrived last night and watching Mr Me assemble one was hysterical 😂 DIY isnt his thing bless him. Splash enjoyed the finished product though…
We finally exchanged contracts this afternoon…for a while it didnt look like it would happen due to issues with my buyer, and the people we are buying from, but with minutes left on the clock, it all came good.
I love a project but the downside is my overactive brain at night. Between little dude partying til 3am and the cogs turning about what else needs doing, ive not slept well all week. In fact at 1am this morning i was online shopping for blankets and nappies (all of which is getting delivered to the new house, eeeep!). Im luckily OK on minimal sleep and its all good practice but being able to lie in is great!!!
The baby partying til all hours is also very welcome as he had a couple of quiet-ish days which is always a worry, but hes back at full speed now.
Im so big i now have to eat at a table, i used to eat off my knee, then a lap table, but this is no longer do-able due to the massive bump!!! Instead, I sit in the corner of the lounge feeling sorry for myself!
I got measured and bought my 1st nursing bras today. The lady who measured me said she thought the bump had dropped a bit, i think she was being kind really. He still feels high, im starting to get very occassional pressure down low, but as im not a first time mum its likely he wont engage until im in labour probably!!
Im still feeling good about the induction, no worries really other than being bored, i think ill buy monopoly just to be safe. Having said that, i cannot imagine that in just over 2 weeks there will be an actual human that we have created, who is utterly dependent on us to survive. Bump definitely doesnt equal baby yet!!!
Last weekend i had my 1st major melt down of the pregnancy. I was 34 weeks so think i did pretty well.
We had been to see the new, now vacant house, and my urge to nest kicked in. Sadly we still dont have a firm date although it could now be as early as Friday.
I got very anxious and Mr Me tried to reason with me. Reasoning with anxiety is like catching water in your hand, you cant really do it.
Instead of seeing his logic, i felt attacked and as though i was being unreasonable. Which i was. I wanted a date to work towards, which i cant have as nothing is certain yet. Anyway, it resulted in an argument between Mr Me and I. We rarely argue so its always weird when we properly fall out.
I felt so unorganised and had no idea what we had for baby etc. Being a control freak this didnt work well for me, so i demanded Mr Me get all the baby stuff out of storage so i could see what we had.
I instantly felt better, despite the fact i cannot build a nursery. I just needed to know we are prepared. Over the course of 3 pregnancies it turns out we are pretty damned prepared. Our current box room is now a mass of boxes and bags of baby things. There is a suitcase full of clothes and apart from a changing station we have everything we need…i think.
Since seeing everything and ordering the last few things (crib and mattress) i have felt a lot calmer and more zen about the whole moving process. Mr Me however has been getting increasingly frustrated at the lack of communication. Seems ive rubbed off on him. He’s been amazing though and called estate agents and solicitors almost daily and finally got told yesterday that our buyers solicitor is just waiting on the hard copy of the mortgage offer and then we are good to go.
We hope to complete and exchange next friday but until i get firm dates im not booking anything or putting things in boxes!!
We also had another growth scan this week. Baby is estimated to be 6lbs now!!! Thats a gain of nearly 2lbs in 3 weeks, little chubster!! Everything is measuring as it should, and finally saw evidence that he is indeed a boy!! We were told that after 35 weeks (today) if i were to go into labour they wouldnt stop it. This prompted a slight panic buying pj session and all 3 hospital bags being packed
Since starting our TTC journey 8 years ago, my Mum has always wanted to go and see The Jeremy Kyle Show whilst i was on maternity leave. Yesterday that finally became a reality….
We are massive fans of the show and are not afraid to say it. We had a wonderful time there despite a few hiccups (i forgot the tickets only remembering when we had parked up, so we had to go home again, it was a close call)
It was amazing to finally tick off something on the pregnancy bucket list, something i wasnt sure we would ever get to do.
Over the course of the week, my maternity photographs have been appearing online on the photographers facebook page. So here they are….
I think the photographer has done an amazing job and i cant wait to get the prints back!!!
Today we saw the little dude today for the 1st time in forever, well, 5 weeks!!
I had my pre term clinic cervical scan 1st, its 3cm and closed so ive been signed off from that clinic now!! Woohoo. No more dates with the dildocam!!
Then we moved onto the growth scan. He has a huge head (to me, for pushing out. HC is 285mm!!), big tummy and average thigh bone length.
His estimated weight as of today is 3lbs 1oz. He’s huge!!!
My amniotic fluid levels are normal, my placenta still posterior and high with normal structure and blood flow to baby and placenta are excellent.
Essentially im text book. WOW!!!
He has gone from the 46th centile to the 67th centile but all tracking well so no concerns!
I had routine bloods done, my blood pressure and urine are fine. All in all im physically fine. Next scan is in 3 weeks.
After the exams i had a chat with V. I had 2 worries today.
1 – not being on a ward after the birth. I really think my anxiety will spike if im surrounded by other Mums and Babies. I dont sleep well at the best of times and being on a ward means i wouldnt sleep at all. I really want to establish breastfeeding if i can before leaving and i think id be too flustered in a ward. I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it.
V said that when we do my birth plan she will pop all the above down and recommend a private room if there is one available. I totally understand that other Mummies may need it more than me though so its not a gurantee, but she said the ward will try really hard. So thats 1 anxiety down
2 – i dont want to go over 40 weeks. We know exactly when i concieved and placentas arent made to last forever and i worry about it failing after 40 weeks.
V said that ill most likely be induced at 38 weeks as that really is term and research shows its a good time for baby to be born. This will be brought forward if there are concerns, but it was music to my ears. We will firm up at date nearer the time but looks like the little dude will be here within the next 10 weeks. Eeeeep. Its actually more like 9 weeks on saturday….
So that was my morning! Exciting, nerve wracking, scary but good scary, stuff.
Mr Me has now emailed our solicitor to see if we can speed up the house move too as we are currently set to move late April with baby now due mid May.