Tag: loss

Loving him is hard because….

Loving him is hard because….

I have the feels. All the feels. Im besotted, hes amazing, i cant remember life without him

But it took 8 weeks. 8 weeks to admit i loved him, 8 weeks to allow myself those feelings. To be honest im still cautious but my heart swells with his first smile of the day, regardless of my fear.

Infertility sucks on many levels. The months (years) of trying and failing. The agony of a period. The hoops to jump through en route to IVF, the hundreds of injections, watching all your friends have babies. People getting bored of your journey, the agony of IVF failures, of cancelled cycles, of feeling you are worth nothing as a woman. I could go on. 

Basically its shit. And you know what, it continues to be shit even though i now have my very own mini human. Why? Because it hindered the love…it took so long for Little T to feel like mine, rather than me looking after someone elses baby. I was waiting for the bubble to burst. A small part of me still is and always will be, i guess.

Im still jealous of the fertile people, they decide to get pregnant and within months, are. No military planning, no saving thousands of pounds. Just happens or a little cycle observation and bam, preggers.

I still envy a bump. Stare in awe. Wish i could do it without investing time and money. Its silly, but true.

Baby loss literally built a wall around my heart. A wall im still chipping away at. Losing 2 children, 2 (IVF) babies, is soul destroying. It messes you up in so many ways. Ways i thought id dealt with. Then Little T came along and i realised i was messed up in ways i didnt imagine. 

For weeks i thought i would lose him. That he would die. Thats what my babies did, they died. I was beyond terrified to love this tiny human in case he left me. I couldnt contemplate another loss. I just knew it would break me. So i kept Little T at arms length. Worried that loving him would mean losing him. 

That fear consumed me. For so many weeks. Until the fear of seeing my baby, my offspring, in pain. The 8 week immunisations. Thank god for them, not only for the protection they offer but for opening my heart.

Feeling guarded, not loving my child. Shameful? Not at all. Just the way things are after the hand id been dealt. I will always admit to these feelings, ill never regret what ive been through. I truly am a better person for it. Never did i think itd extend this far into my life though…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

PS heres a cute pic of Little T

Things that make me go, WOW

Things that make me go, WOW

Ive sounded very doom and gloom since Little T was born. Honestly i am enjoying motherhood, its just very different to what i expected and has literally changed everything. People tell you it changes everything but you dont really understand until it happens!!

But its all worth it…

When he fixes on me with his massive eyes, im transfixed, i cant look away, i can see him studying my face, know he knows that hes safe and wanted with me. My Mum says it his ‘look of love’

When he grabs my finger, my top, my skin, even with his razor sharp nails. Its like he holds onto me for security. I make him feel safe. So does a muslin mind you, but you know. I like to see him grab anything, i have a proud parent moment

When he burps/farts/poos im reassured that his little body is working properly and i marvel at the fact that Mr Me and I (and Team Miracle) made this perfect little human

When he smiles, i melt. I know its only wind at this point but hes got an amazing smile.

When he pouts, i melt. I dunno who taught him to pout but its perfect!!

When he makes random happy sounds, its like hes telling me something, like how the side of his pram really is super interesting. Without fail ill make up a conversation between him and i and often outloud, much to the amusement of onlookers

When i look at his face and see my mouth and eyes, his Daddys hands and forehead and chin, it reminds me of how much Mr Me and I love each other and how hard we worked to make this amazing little human

When people stop me and tell me what a gorgeous boy he is and how much they like his name, im so proud that hes mine.

Its all worth it. All of it.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Hormones….or something else?

Hormones….or something else?

Little T is 4 weeks old tomorrow. 4 weeks!!!! 

Our lives have totally changed in those 4 weeks. Absolutely for the better. 8 years of graft, hope, hurt and tears have come to fruition and we have created a beautiful little person. Who, as i type, is screaming and has done, on and off, for 3 hours after being a dream in front of people all day.

He is worth the sleep deprivation, the pain, the piles 🤢, and i wouldnt change him for the world.

But today i realised something. Im struggling with jealousy.

There have been a couple of pregnancy announcements in the last few days, and despite having a 4 week old, im jealous. Its the same old story, i cant just make a baby, need to plan a trip abroad blah blah. And its not that im not happy with my baby, it just reminds me of what i cant do and that i may never give Little T a sibling.

Im also jealous of Mr Me. He is totally 100% in love with Little T. He told me how he aches for him when hes at work. Im not there yet, yeah ok, im with him 19+ hrs a day so dont really have chance to miss him yet (although i did today, despite being in his presence, Mr Me or our friends had hold of Little T all day and i did miss cuddles, of course as soon as i get chance for cuddles, he gets grouchy. Go figure) but i feel inadequate. Despite knowing its pretty normal, i feel like im failing as a Mum/Parent. Id do anything for the little guy, id protect him to the end of time and he only has to squeal and im there, but im not IN love. Not yet. And i feel like i should be. I do love him. Especially when he looks like this…

The other thing ive realised is that im jealous that Mr Me loves Little T, so much

Dont get me wrong, its exactly as it should be, but he now looks at the baby the way he used to look at me. His focus is split between us, again, as it should be, but i miss the attention

Mr Me is my best friend, its been him and me against the world for 13 years. We have been through the WORST of times together and always come out the other side stronger. Now here we are going through the BEST of times and i feel like hes slipping away. I think most of these feelings can be blamed on sleep deprivation, everything is magnified when you are tired. In the past 4 weeks, Mr Me and I have gone to bed at the same time, twice. One of those times was last night. He didnt kiss me as we settled down. Simply due to being exhausted, nothing was meant by it. But it broke my heart. I couldnt sleep. I felt a massive sense of forboding. I cant explain why.

We have talked about this briefly. Mr Me has assured me he loves me just as much as he did 4 weeks ago, and that we both have enough love for each other to love another person. We both agree we have no idea how to deal with this but that we will. I feel pathetic. Jealous of my husband loving our son, i mean, really? Isnt this typically how the partner feels? Not the mother? 

As i say its partly about how in love with Little T he is, and im just not, yet and partly because i feel him slipping away. Whatever it is its making me teary. The ice queen is melting. Mr Me worries its the start of PND which i think scares him a lot. I think its maybe delayed baby blues? Ill mention it to a health professional at my next appointment but perhaps i just need to draft in a Grandma so we can go out for a few hours as a couple and not as parents. I just didnt think id be feeling this way 4 weeks in

I sound so bitter and ungrateful. Im truly not. Im just adjusting to no sleep, less food, Mr Me and I being ships that pass in the night and caring for a newborn

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Motherhood

Motherhood

Its HARD. No other way of putting it. And its a rollercoaster. 

The Bond….everyone talks about the overwhelming feeling of love you feel when you meet your baby. When i met my baby it was a blur. We’d been through a traumatic birth. I didnt get skin to skin as he didnt cry. I thought he would die. I was convinced. Then they handed him to me and took me to the ward. And left me with him. My job to take care of this tiny new human. So i did. But for someone else. He wasnt mine. 

Baby T is spectacular. I know this because everyone tells me so. For the first few days i only held him to feed. I didnt just cuddle him. I put him down and looked at him. I wondered when he would be taken away. Now i hold him more. Just because. But im still not in love. When he looks at me i realise what a beautiful baby he is. Id do anything to protect him, to care for him, but am i in love? No. Im scared to let go. What if he leaves me? I worry the midwives will take him away or that he will stop breathing. I cant deal with the pain. So i protect myself and in doing so, deny myself. I force myself to hold him now, to kiss him (took me 4 days) and when he looks at me, its getting more ‘Wow’ but its slow going.

Breastfeeding….i SO wanted to do it. I did it in hospital. It was agony. I thought it was normal. On Wednesday the midwife mentioned blood blisters from a bad latch. I checked. Over 20 blood blisters. I had never ever heard of this until then. Honestly every suck made my toes curl. On Wednesday afternoon, I sent Mr Me for formula and i hated myself. On Thursday i felt OK about formula feeding (ff). I wasnt as anxious. Baby T was happy on the bottle. Content. On Thursday night i hated myself. I didnt give it a chance, id failed my child, i was missing out and so was he. He wasnt going to need me because anyone could feed him. On Friday i got the blisters off in the bath and hand expressed. My milk was in. On Friday night we tried breastfeeding again. It hurt. He screamed. My anxiety was through the roof. I ordered the Perfect Prep machine (makes up bottles in 2 minutes at right temperature) for next day delivery. Ive tried not to look back. Its hard. I feel guilty. I feel i have to explain. FF is working for us. Hes happy. My boobs dont hurt. I still feel like a bad mum.

The trauma continues….New Mums are never told about the feeling of their asses being blown out after birth. Its like a secret you cant know until you are part of the club. And you can see the other mums laughing as the new mums waddle about holding onto their asses.  You always hear about how you forget about the pain of childbirth. But a week later when your stitches make you cry out in agony when peeing, you are still in that delivery room, still being cut, still experiencing every ounce of pain.

How can you bond with the person who did that to you? 

You question everything. Every decision. You worry you are not worried enough. You worry you worry too much. You wonder if everyone feels so overwhelmed at the beginning? You wonder if having some sleep means you dont care enough about whether baby is breathing or not. Despite having less than 20 hours of sleep in a week.

You hope the love will come. That the past wont ruin the future and you wonder if youll ever be good enough.

Thats early motherhood.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

I nearly gave up…

I nearly gave up…

When we started this journey nearly 8 years ago, we never imagined it would be so long, so hard or so heartbreaking. 

I remember for the 1st 6 months or so it was fun and just meant having more sex. Then it became all about timing and not so fun anymore. Even through the investigations i never really thought there would be an issue with either of us.

Clomid would be the answer. Its a horrid medication that made me feel so hormonal and under the weather but it would work. After 6 months, with no monitoring, it was IVF time. I now know it was prescribed just to allow us to jump a hurdle and get on the IVF pathway.

IVF is a game changer. It affecrs every part of your life. It takes over. You dont stop trying naturally despite knowing there is a 0.01% chance itll happen for you. So the mechanical sex on top of the stress of waiting for the ivf appointments, whilst also trying every fad diet and old wives tale is really fun. Not. Then you deal with the people who say ‘relax, itll happen’ or ‘its just not your time yet’ and have to be polite and smile rather than bitch slapping them, because we do live in a civilised society after all and it wouldnt be proper.

When you finally get going, 6 months after the original appointment where you found out you both have fertility issues, despite being told everything was ok during the investigations, you, as the woman, are pumped full of hormones, whilst your partner can only watch on in disbelief as you get angry in a second or complain how swollen you are inside.

After egg collection youre told your number, the number of eggs they artificially pulled out of you and you live or die by this number. Only then to realise you are fairly unwell, cant stand or walk and throwing up everywhere. Youve developed OHSS, a life threatening illness only IVF ladies can get. What a club to be in. But you battle through it, not wanting to admit to how poorly you are lest it delay the cycle because in just over 2 weeks you will be pregnant.

The daily updates see those precious numbers dwindle, 23 collected, 13 fertilised, what happened to the other 10 bastard eggs i pumped myself full of drugs for? Eh?? But youre assured its ok and normal. By day 5 after collection there are 3 left in the running. 3. 20 have failed. Meaning we have failed. 1 is put back despute the environment (my uterus) not being ideal and you are sent away to manage for 17 days with no contact.

You analyse everything, every sneeze, every hiccup, noticing you tan faster than normal. This has to be it. I will be pregnant. Until you bleed bang on the day you were due on. 5 pissing days before test day. It failed. I failed. My body failed.

Luckily the other 2 embryos were frozen so you have 2 more chances. But the wait for treatment is horrendous. Youre told 3 months but its actually 6 before they can fit you in. This time you have to down regulate your body, put it through the menopause. 5 long weeks of injections, tablets, headaches, mood swings, and hot sweats. Only to be told your uterine lining is too thin and they are cancelling the cycle. I failed. Again. I cried for 8 hours that day.

6 months later and you do it all again. Same result. But no tears this time. Failure is becoming the norm now. Instead you are just angry at the whole proccess, at yourself. At the world.

You watch your friends have their babies, it breaks your heart everytime but you are over joyed for them and devestated its not you. You still hope at this point though.

The powers that be discuss your case, amongst themselves, not with you. They decide to try a non medicated cycle. You agree to anything. 17 days of early morning blood tests and finally ovulation is detected. But your lining is only 5mm. They want to cancel. You beg your nurse to put your case forward to the powers that be in the afternoon briefing, explaining youd rather have a chance than nothing at all. That your mental health is suffering and its either transfer MY embryo or a stint in the Priory.

They agree but warn you repeatdly you are wasting a chance. But it works. Then there is The Story of Milo (see 3rd ever blog) 

After a loss like that, all you want is to be pregnant again. Your body aches for what has been snatched from it. We tried naturally again whilst we waited for our turn to try with our last frozen embryo. Youre meant to be your most fertile after a loss. But youre not that lucky. Of course youre not.

6 months and we try again. Same as before. It worked before it can work again. But it doesnt. And you are left with nothing but a wait to confirm when you can start the whole damn proccess again.

But i cant wait. I need to be pregnant now. You investigate clinics abroad. Something you never dreamt of doing or needing to do. And you find that one clinic that feels right. You just know its the clinic for you. Personal loans, flights, accomodation, drugs all sorted in 6 weeks or less. Its so different and daunting but this is your chance. You get there and within minutes know you made the right decision. It doesnt matter that you cant eat or drink as your body is having some sort of weird reaction to something (turns out boling the water doesnt kill the bugs but you wont figure that out for a long time yet) you know this is the clinic that will get you pregnant.

They do too. And its wonderful. And despite many hiccups, the baby is healthy and for 9 days you feel nothing but bliss. This is our time. This is our baby. But out of nowhere, the baby is gone. Eerily timed so that you lose that baby 54 weeks after losing the 1st baby, at the same number of weeks gestation. 

And it breaks you. Mentally its too much. You try to get on, try to be normal, try to be ok. But youre not. Not at all. You know you cant face trying again anytime soon and you think by having that year out, by going to creamfields, to disneyland paris and to Australia, you are healing, body and mind. Until your mind craps out on you the week before Australia and you have another breakdown. Except you dont know you are having it until its pointed out by a colleague. How embarrassing.

Being on the other side of the world with your bestie and hubby does the trick. You reconnect with your hubby and realise you are not alone. That anxiety monster just told you you were. You drink everyday with your bestie who oozes positivity, and it rubs off. You can do this. You are ready to try again. 

So you fly out to that fab clinic that gave you that healthy baby knowing this is it. Until your hormones dont play ball and you cant transfer. You mope for 2 days. Not anticipating a freeze all cycle but you bounce back, have a holiday and feel pretty smug you have 7 to feeeze. But you need to keep going. You are back in the ivf mindset after 14 months off and you struggled through stimulation this time. So much so you dont ever want to stim again. 

So you fly out again the folliwing month, leaving hubby at home and taking Mum instead. Another villa, another hire car, another week out of work. The meds make you poorly but you carry on. You keep up the PMA. They transfer 4 of the 7 and you fly home the next day. Already pretty sure it hasnt worked. You just dont have ‘the feeling’ but you try to get through the 2 week wait with positivity until you test the day before bloods and see the whitest of white test staring back at you.

And you give up. Its all over. You had your 2 chances and it didnt work out. Youve used up all your luck. You wont be a mummy to your biological children. The hope after 8 cycles over 4 years has run out. If the amazing clinic you put all your faith in cant do it, no one can.

But they, the clinic, offer you a life line and youd be stupid not take it. It means stimming again which you REALLY dont want to do. So you decide if youre going to do it, youre throwing everything at it. You borrow money from parents to pay for this last shot, to ‘kitchen sink’ it. You dont believe itll work. Youre doing it to say you tried everything, so you walk away knowing you gave it your best shot. Time has taught you that life isnt fair and now you are ready to accept that. You do it for hubby, you do it for the potential grandparents but deep down you know its game over.

So you fly out for the 3rd time in 4 months. You know this town you stay in like the back of your hand now, sat nav no longer required. And you go to the appointments and be your cheery self and you meet the other patients and tell them it will work and that they have chosen the best clinic ever. Because they have, they dont need to know that i have used up all my luck, that my body has failed me, that ill never be a Mummy.

And you go through the motions and you have the transfer, even realising its been your best cycle yet and the numbers didnt dwindle too much and that you made 6 healthy embryos, 4 of which are inside you making you a bit crampy. But you dare not dream.

And you come home and you have ‘the feeling’ but the doubts creep in and you are so so scared to get your hopes up. But eventually you crack. You test earlier than ever before, and there they are, 2 pink lines. It actually bloody worked. It was worth the £20k you spent over those 4 months just to see those 2 pink lines.

Then you realise you have to actually get past 21 weeks gestation this time and that doesnt seem possible. You spend the 1st 12 weeks numb, especially when you start bleeding in week 10, but at your 12 week scan you fall in love with that baby on the screen. You continue to bleed and be in and out of EPU almost weekly so you spend the next couple of weeks petrified youll lose that baby you now love.

And then the bleeding stops suddenly, but you cant relax as youre now counting down to that fateful 21st week. You increase your counselling sessions to deal with the anxiety but you dare not hope for the best. And you have your anomaly scan and baby is perfect, like the last one. So you still dont hope. And then its week 21 and you are strangely calm. Something feels different this time. You cant explain it but you make it to week 22. And then week 24, youve a viable baby on board for the 1st time ever. And you are elated but cautious. Then you hit 26 weeks, 27, its a miracle.

Today im 28 weeks. Thats the 3rd trimester. 12 weeks until term. Hes a real chance of surving now. And im over the moon and cant quite believe we made it.

And i nearly gave up, i nearly didnt have the cycle that created this precious life inside of me. I was so hurt, so broken, i didnt think it’d happen for me.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Not the best day….

Not the best day….

Today couldve been better.

We woke up to find that 1 of our cats, Splash, was very unwell. He was outside, unable to jump over the gate. He collapsed once in the house, drooling and struggling to breathe.

We thought he may have been knocked over as he was filthy and limping. We called the vet and got him the 1st appointment of the day. We dressed quickly and headed out into rush hour traffic, me in the back seat, trying to comfort a very distressed Splash.

Once we arrived he was weighed in his carrier and they listened to his chest. He couldnt move he was so weak. They need to admit him straight away as there was lots of crackling on his chest and wheezing. I sobbed my heart out saying goodbye, telling him itd be ok. The vet told us to prepare ourselves as the outcome looked bleak.

I cried all the way home. (At least i can cry.) Anyone with a pet knows they are a member of the family. When youve been through infertility, and loss, they become something more. They are the reason you bother getting out of bed, they give you a reason to go on. Essentially they become your fur babies and you treat them like your own children. I talk to both my cats like they can understand me. I adore them. They rule the roost. They have been 2 of my favourite people for 10 years now.

Just as i managed to pull myself together, as the emotional shut down began, i fell down the bloody stairs!!!! 

I lost my footing, crashed onto my bottom and slid down 4 stairs. It was painful as hell!! 

This meant a visit to the hospital to check on baby. He was moving but given our history we thought it best to be seen.

Well after my BP being taken, it was CTG time

2.5 hours i was strapped to that. For the 1st hour or so, babys heartbeat dipped severely every so often, going from 160 to 70. It had people worried. 

After another hour or so, with lots of movement, it was determined that these dips were ‘loss of contact’. The baby was kicking the sensor off and hiding. I had to hold him still for the last half hour.

The gaps and dips above, show just how naughty he was, kicking and hiding. The 1st hour, the reading was like an earthquake monitor during a seismic event, up and down all over!!!! 

I have a very bruised bottom and carpet burned arm but baby is fine and thats the key thing.

Whilst being monitored, Mr Me called the vet for an update. Splash is still very unwell. He was given medication to relax him and put in an oxygen tent. Bloods revealed it wasnt his kidneys or liver so they think its his heart. They are keeping him in overnight for observation and will do an xray in the morning if he is strong enough.

He has had a drink and used the litter tray though. Preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. Please keep my big lad in your thoughts…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Wave of Light Reminder

Wave of Light Reminder

Wave of Light Event

Today is International Baby Loss Awareness Day. Tonight at 7pm, all over the world people will light candles for the babies they lost, carried but never held, that were born too soon or left too early.

This is such an important day for bereaved parents like me. For those of us that havent lost a baby, this goes fairly unnoticed. We see it but dont understand it. And i hope that you never have to.

The grief continues forever. The hurt never leaves, we just learn to live with it, make space for it in our lives. But Today we can remember, openly. Today we can say, i lost a baby and it still hurts.

Today we can be sad once more without hiding it from the world. Today we can say, it happened to me. Today we can whisper our angel’s names and think, what if.

Today we dont have to hide.

I choose to speak out about this issue as i feel im strong enough to do it. Sometimes its like im meant to forget and just get on with life. How can i forget my babies? Yes its been traumatic but they are part of me, literally, their DNA is still floating around inside me and will be, forever more.

Having a Rainbow Baby doesnt make things better, that baby cannot replace what we have lost, but i hope, if Storm Trooper makes it into this world, i will have a new focus. But ill always light a candle today at 7pm. To remember what we lost.

I hope youll join me tonight and post pictures of your candles.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Well, that snuck up on me

Well, that snuck up on me

So. In two days i take my last contraceptive pill. Which means next Monday i start stims again. Ive no idea how thats happened, it seemed ages away and now its next week. And we fly 2 weeks tomorrow!!! 😱😱

Ive been telling people im quite scared about this cycle as its my last chance for a biological child. But im not. I feel like i should be. But im not. I discussed this at length with my counsellor yesterday. Im aware of the enormity of this last cycle but i also know we are doing all we can this round and if it doesnt work, it never will. 

Ive got the best team in the world working with me and all the latest technology and techniques thanks to MIL, so after this there is nothing more other than donor, and if we do that, we may as well adopt. And thats the plan.

Im very zen about this cycle. Not going through the motions, as i want it to work, i really do, but im not letting it be my only focus, im going in with ZERO expectations this time, so what will be will be. It feels good.

I view this as a Game of Thrones battle, Battle of the Ba****ds to be specific. PGD is the army that can save us, or we suffocate like Jon Snow nearly did. But we know we will have done all we could and if we lose, we lose with dignity. If youre not a GoT fan, apologies, but you really should be! 

Mr Me is feeling much more positive than i originally thought too. He wants to give it one last try too, with all the extras, so he knows we did all we could and we have no regrets in the future. Hes actually pretty positive itll work because im so zen about it too. Not sure i fully agree with that, yet, as im sticking with the no expectations tactic. He’s also feeling very positive about a potential pregnancy. He says itll be a nerve wracking 9 months, but we could get our rainbow at the end of it, and thatll make it worth it. Hes much more positive than i thought, he seems very balanced about the whole thing. Go Mr Me!!! 

My counsellor does think im protecting myself again, she says im getting good at it, but its no bad thing since ive been through so much, she says. Im always honest with her and throughout the session, she could see i wasnt hiding anything, and that im actually confused by my reaction too. But its working for me. So im going with it. 

Tick tock, not long now!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

An Open Letter….

An Open Letter….

Dear Take Home Baby Gods,

7 years ago, we decided to try for a baby.

6 years ago we were referred for fertility testing

5 years ago we found out we needed IVF

4.5 years ago i invented you.

i know you are not real, you are a figment of my imagination, but when im desperate, when i need someone to talk to/vent at/be cross with, there is no one in real life i can blame, so you came into existence.

I used to ask you to let the IVF work, all i wanted was a BFP. how naive i was eh? i thought a BFP meant a baby, but you proved me wrong.

My 4th IVF cycle saw me get pregnant for the first time, i was overjoyed, we had cracked it. Or so i thought. in a cruel twist of fate, at 20 weeks Milo was diagnosed with HLHS and we opted to end that pregnancy. it was the right thing to do.

My 6th IVF cycle saw my second BFP and despite a few hiccups, Millie was healthy. but 9 days after finding that out, you took her away. Why? was it punishment for Milo? is is punishment for a past life? is it a test? are you trying to tell me something?

If so, could you be a bit more clear about it please?

we had a year off, my head was battered, my heart broken, i was a shell of the woman i remember myself to be. it did me good, i got my strength back and i didnt think about you at all.

In May we got back on the train, yet again you are not happy with me, first throwing a freeze all in my way and then a BFN on the resulting FET. Now im planning cycle 9.

What do i need to do to please you? What do i need to do for a take home baby – ill do anything, i just need to know what.

Im so sick of being the strong one, the positive one, the patient one. its got to be my turn now? i try to get on with life, in between cycles, you know? but i know you are always watching me, deciding if ill ever get my take home baby. I can feel you there as all i think about is the upcoming cycle, and what to try this time.

if you let me get pregnant, i promise not to buy a thing until im near term – will that please you?

ill give more to charity, ill help more in the community, i WILL adopt as a thank you for letting me have my own biological child. i just wish you were real and i could offer you something so you look favourably on me. but of course, you are in my imagination. there isn’t anything or anyone that can assure me a healthy baby, or even a pregnancy at this stage. but wouldn’t it be wonderful if you were real, and i and all the other infertile/bereaved parents, could know what you wanted to ensure the next pregnancy is a safe one.

So basically, Take Home Baby Gods, this is my prayer to you. im out of money, im out of holiday and im out of steam. ive got enough left for one more shot at this. no one will love a baby more than we will, no one will ever be as grateful as we are, no one baby will have as many aunties and uncles from around the world. Please, please please, just let it be us. please?

thinking of you

Little Miss PMA xxx

Im so excited….

Im so excited….

IVF is ALL i can think about at the moment. Im so excited to get started….so where are we at?

Bloods came back last Wednesday. My AMH in October 2014 was 59.5 and now its 23.6. I was really shocked at the massive drop until i did a bit of digging and found the contraceptive pill can alter these levels. I dont believe that half my eggs have gone in the last 18 months. I sent them to TM straight away, and by Friday i had my protocol.

It looks like this…

  

One of the many, many reasons i love TM, is how very organised they are. As an administrator, this is how i would do things, make it easy as i can so there are no mistakes.

Couple of changes to the protocol…im on higher stims than last time. This i think, is because we have to get my ovaries working again, theyve been ‘off’ since i went on the pill for all intents and purposes so the extra meds should get them active quicker. I wont lie, im anxious about this increase, as this is the dose i was on in UK when i got moderate OHSS. TM, unlike my UK clinic, do flush the meds out with a drip following Egg Collection so im hoping that will stave off the OHSS, and ill also be drinking plenty throughout stims and lots of isotonic stuff post EC. But its a concern of mine.

The other change is the addition of steroids (Prednol), from what im seeing this is just a change to the standard protocol and i havent been given them for a special reason, just another med to help us get, and stay, pregnant.

On Friday, £5.5k left our bank account, £615 on meds, and £5k changed to Euros as the rate FINALLY went up from a poor 1.1 to a kind of OK 1.3 and i didnt want to miss it!!! 

On Thursday im booked in for my scratch and ive also reserved my place in the embryoscope, when we get to Cyprus. This is a clever piece of kit that takes photos of the embies, meaning they dont have to be removed from the incubator (which they dont like) and allows the doctors and embryologists, to actually see how they are developing, and whether there has been fragmentation etc, meaning only the best are put back. I feel this is worth the extra cost as we dont seem to make very strong embies, so the less they are messed with, the better. Also, the geek me is super excited to watch my babies develop from the moment of conception, something most people will never have the privilege of seeing, most people probably wouldnt care but to me its fascinating.

Im also wondering if we should bank some sperm? Hubby has no more holiday from work this year, certainly not enough for a full cycle, so just in case it fails (it wont) or i lose before 12 weeks, itd be nice to know we could go again without waiting until 2017. Ill need to look into this more and speak to the clinic too, but its an idea.

My biggest fear at the moment, is the number of babies that implant. Im desperate for twins, but terrified about triplets. If it was 3, we would be looking at making decisions i really dont want to make. Although we have agreed a plan, im worried things will change once in the situation. However, i cant actually do anything about this, so its a worry for another day. Id be gobsmacked if we had 3 strong embies to be fair!!!!

So thats the IVF update! As i said, its all i can think about so apologies to those of you that know me, as its pretty much all i talk about!!

Last weekend we went down ‘south’ to visit some of hubbys family. We had a lovely day, walking beside the beach, then fish n chips (for me) in the pub. Followed by Harry Potter hangman with the kids and Friends, Scene It! with the adults. Im pleased to say i won Friends, id have been so annoyed with myself if i hadnt, i LOVE that show. HP hangman was also brilliant, the kids came up with the most obscure characters they could. They definitely won there, although i did get ‘Kingsley Shacklebolt’ with no letters, so you know, I rock!!!

This weekend my BIL came to stay, its been ages since we had some 1-1 time with him and it was lovely. We had drinks in Manchester, a great meal at Bill’s Restaurant amd then came home in a food coma and watched retro X-Files. It was lovely, chilled and just what we needed.

Im lucky enough to have a 3 day week and then this weekend, i MUST work on the garden. The weeds are dead, i have new plants, i just need to put in the graft now and GET IT DONE!!

Love, a very excited, Little Miss PMA xxx