Tag: moving forward

Its all starting to make sense

Its all starting to make sense

I went back to counselling this week. Mr Me made the referral when i was struggling. In the hour i was there, i managed to cover the time from his birth to my struggles to feeling better.

Over the course of this week ive realised my next session will be my last. I dont need that level of support anymore. I know how to manage my issues now. I can self analyse, know what will make me anxious and why and how to cope with that.

I know ill probably need to be medicated for depression for most of my life but im ok with that. Im ok to admit that i suffer with anxiety and depression, the same way i suffer with and am medicated for asthma. Its just part of my life. Im at peace with that.

Actually, im happy. Im happy i finally have my baby, happy that, despite all the crap, Mr Me and I made it. Happy im a mummy, a wife, a friend.

Worry, sleep deprivation and self doubt are creeping away. Little T is nearly 12 weeks old (oh my god i have a 3 month old) and hes thriving (now that hes being treated for reflux) 

Now i get more than 2 hours sleep a night, im more rational, more confident. In the last couple of weeks we have settled into a nice routine. 

Ive joined more classes, i spend more time just enjoying Little T and watching him learn and develop. I no longer constantly hold myself up to the impossible standard i set myself.

I now love being his mummy. Now that ive stopped worrying about losing myself, ive found my feet. Im still me, still put my make up on, do my nails when i can, go out with my friends, spend quality time with Mr Me. Im me AND a mummy. 

Now i know why we fought so hard for so long, now i know i was right to want this so much.

Ive stopped caring if i get all the washing done, stopped worrying about keeping on top of the housework. It gets done. Not today though. Today ive spent all day snuggling, because he needed me, and i needed him. There wont always be days where we can just snuggle so these days are special.

My family is special. And i love being a mummy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Not long now…

Not long now…

Im still really happy and positive, which i am loving. Ive redudced my antidepressants as i was getting a false high. I felt like i was about 6 foot off the floor, which was amazing after months of feeling like i had the weight of the world on my shoulders, but it was most definitely a drug induced high.

I feel good, even though ive redudced, the high is gone but im still very positive which is the main thing. I hope to cut them out completely soon but have to put myself and my mental health first, even over the potential pregnancy. Im pretty pleased with myself though, as a few weeks ago, i never thought I’d be strong enough to reduce them.

Millie’s anniversary was last weekend. It passed peacefully. We were busy with family so didnt think much about it to be honest, but when i did, it made me sad. I quickly moved on though as we have so much to look forward to. Although we didnt mark the occasion, like we did with Milo, i feel OK with that. Ive spent a lot of the last 12 months being incredibly low and sad and i didnt want another day like that, which if we had done something, it would have been. I dont feel bad about this, i would have before, as its not what is expected of a bereaved parent, but ive forgiven myself for my lack of feeling towards the babies. As cold as that sounds.

Had a bit of a panic this week. AF arrived Thursday afternoon, not in the evening as normal. Which sent me into a ‘is this cycle day 1 panic’. My gut told me, no it wasnt, friday would be CD 1, and if ANY ONE else had come to me with that scenario, id have told them with certainty that friday was cycle day 1. When its your own cycle though, logic appears to go out of the window, and for the life of me i wasnt sure. I asked around on babycentre, but UK clinics have all different rules. Eventually i gave in and Whatsapped Umit. Within 2 hours i had my answer, should have trusted my gut. Just seeing his name flash up instantly relaxed me. They really are the best clinic in the world!! This saved lots of bother as i didnt have to rebook my scan or blood tests.

Speaking of the pre-testing….what a nightmare this has been to sort. Last time my GP did the ‘easy’ bloods and i just had to arrange AMH and the Scan, which was easy, i contacted a private clinic, went in, paid, had everything done. This year, no such luck! I needed a GP referral for bloods….so had to make use of an intermediary company to get that sorted. Booked a scan at a baby scanning place (cheaper but not as good, see below) and booked a third place for the scratch. It sounds like a lot of hardwork but a babycentre/facebook friend basically found the scan and bloods for me….she was amazing….much love A. Its never been so hard to give my money away, i tell you!! 

Today has been a busy one, but not once have i felt anxious or overwhelmed which is a big thing for me. The idea of going to 2 hospitals (bloods and counselling), doing a tesco shop, changing gas and electricty suppliers for me and my Mum, changing details on a gift, calling and emailing my neurologist and blogging, all in one day, would have been enough for me to just stay in bed, but today, it was a breeze!!! Mini mexican wave in honor of me 👐🏻👐🏻👐🏻👐🏻👐🏻

So the IVF update…

32 days until we fly

My results from the greek hidden infections tests were clear (whoop). I was initally disappointed as i wanted the antibiotics in case the infection that killed Millie was still lingering. Hubby and i talked it out and we both feel that if anyone could find this infection, it would have been Serum, since they didnt, i must be clean.

Hubby is well underway with his antibiotics and vitamins, in an effort to hopefully boost the number of viable sperm, so Team Miracle have more to play with. However, this is just an extra, as opposed to a need, as we have always had enough sperm for fertilisation in the past.

Had a scan on Saturday at Babybond. Only cost £100 but wasnt as good as a fertility scan as she made no attempt to count my follicles, simply saying there were too many to count (because i have polycystic ovaries). Luckily i had the sense to ask and its a good job i did because TM came back to me and asked exactly that. So perhaps in the future ill avoid such a place for a pre IVF scan. Everything is good to go though.

Had my bloods done this morning. Was very disappointed i couldnt park at the hospital. Given its private i thought itd have a decent car park, i was wrong, it was chocka so i parked a couple of streets away. I wont get any results until all of them are back, so that will be next week sometime.

Im still on reduced caffeine and alcohol, although if i fancy a real coffee or a glass of wine, im having one. Ive abstained for months before in the past and still have no baby to show for it, so why punish myself unnecessarily?! The day i start stims, will be the day i go teetotal.

As im eating better than i ever have before a cycle, im not even thinking about fertility super foods, just carrying on with my balanced diet, im going for the relaxed approach, sod it!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx