Tag: muliple loss

Its all starting to make sense

Its all starting to make sense

I went back to counselling this week. Mr Me made the referral when i was struggling. In the hour i was there, i managed to cover the time from his birth to my struggles to feeling better.

Over the course of this week ive realised my next session will be my last. I dont need that level of support anymore. I know how to manage my issues now. I can self analyse, know what will make me anxious and why and how to cope with that.

I know ill probably need to be medicated for depression for most of my life but im ok with that. Im ok to admit that i suffer with anxiety and depression, the same way i suffer with and am medicated for asthma. Its just part of my life. Im at peace with that.

Actually, im happy. Im happy i finally have my baby, happy that, despite all the crap, Mr Me and I made it. Happy im a mummy, a wife, a friend.

Worry, sleep deprivation and self doubt are creeping away. Little T is nearly 12 weeks old (oh my god i have a 3 month old) and hes thriving (now that hes being treated for reflux) 

Now i get more than 2 hours sleep a night, im more rational, more confident. In the last couple of weeks we have settled into a nice routine. 

Ive joined more classes, i spend more time just enjoying Little T and watching him learn and develop. I no longer constantly hold myself up to the impossible standard i set myself.

I now love being his mummy. Now that ive stopped worrying about losing myself, ive found my feet. Im still me, still put my make up on, do my nails when i can, go out with my friends, spend quality time with Mr Me. Im me AND a mummy. 

Now i know why we fought so hard for so long, now i know i was right to want this so much.

Ive stopped caring if i get all the washing done, stopped worrying about keeping on top of the housework. It gets done. Not today though. Today ive spent all day snuggling, because he needed me, and i needed him. There wont always be days where we can just snuggle so these days are special.

My family is special. And i love being a mummy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

What a week!!! 

What a week!!! 

House hunting is exhausting. Other than Tuesday and Friday we have had viewings booked every day. 

We now have 2 houses we like equally. 1 of them we need to put best and final offer forward by 12noon tomorrow, and the other we will put an offer on tomorrow morning 

Hopefully we get one of them. The market is mad at the moment and houses are going so quickly and for so much more than the asking price!! Its dog eat dog!!! 

It was Valentines Day this week. What to do as a pregnant valentine??? Eat, of course!! 

We had a very lovely dinner out, we were the only couple not on our phones all night too, i feel quite proud of us.

Valentine’s Tiger Dress!! 😂

It does now appear im walking around with a medicine ball up my dress. Its honestly such a round bump, roundest ive ever seen on anyone.

Every now and then it hits me that the bump will soon be a baby and thats still very surreal. Its actually overwhelming at times.

Im still struggling with buying clothes. I have a fair amount now but im concerned its not enough/not right. And then im worried that if i do buy stuff, little stuff, itll go wrong somewhere along the line, that the happiness i feel, will be ripped away again.

Its something im going to focus on in counselling from now on. Making it real. Making myself believe that this little dude really is our take home rainbow baby.

I have allowed people to buy stuff now or even make stuff

These hats were made by a lovely lady, L, i work with her and shes very excited about baby’s arrival. I love the hats but they did make me realise how small he will be when he comes and that itll my job to keep him alive. 

Then i panic about the stuff that can go wrong when hes here and i have to shut down. The advice is so conflicting…foam matresses are only recommended for occasional use but all moses basket matresses are foam. How does that work?? 

Im not comfortable with a bed side crib as im short and i feel like i may kick the baby trying to get out of bed or something. Which is probably stupid but it worries me. There are so many things on the market that i ‘may’ need. So im buying the basics and seeing what we need after he’s here.

Also, i am having a baby shower or 2 so ill just wait and see if i get gifts then and then i wont buy more than i need.

As i said, overwhelming, but amazing

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Bleurgh. And xmas is coming. Great! (In most sarcastic tone imaginable) 

Firstly, i want to say a huge thank you for those of you that reposted/reblogged or lit a candle on the 15th October for Babyloss Awareness. I was touched that so many of you got involved, even if you hadnt lost a child. I was so proud, i really felt like id achieved something within my little circle. So thank you, it meant so much to me.

I havent posted recently as not much is happening in all honesty. Hubby and i continue to keep busy, enjoying the year of Me and Mr Me.

Over the last few days, theres been a undercurrent. Im struggling to fake it to myself. The general public would have no idea as i can still put on this bright and breezy manner as and when required. When im alone however, im struggling to see the point in anything, getting up, breathing, putting one foot in front of another.

Sometimes my fake it til i make it attitude isnt always a good idea. Because i look OK, because i smile and say im fine, because i dont weep and wail all the time, people FORGET. They forget that im suffering with depression, they forget im trying to grieve for 2 children, they forget that my latest loss was only 7 months ago (to the day as it happens) and when people forget, they wonder why youre not happy go lucky ALL the time, why some days its hard to smile and pretend its all OK, why some days my demeanour isnt as it usually is. And they have no idea why, none at all. And i just want to shake them and scream ‘ive lost 2 babies in 54 weeks, ive been through so much IVF its unbelievable, im not OK i just say i am to make it easier on YOU!’

But i dont, i dont put it on anyone, i dont let them see how hard it is.

Today, im really struggling. Everything seems too much effort and i just want to hide in a hole. I dont want to go to work this week, i want to wallow. 

Nothing has really triggered this low episode, just a number of things are going on around me. My bestie left for Australia via Singapore today. Im so so proud of her for knowing what she wants and just going for it. Ive known for months today would be the day, but i, like her family, have been in denial. I still think she will back in 2 weeks, that shes just on her holidays, but shes not. We will text and Skype a lot so ill barely notice shes on the other side of the world, until i visit in February. I will miss her though, shes been my rock. 

Her leaving and setting out on this new adventure has brought home how much i feel trapped. I cant just leave, i have responsibilities and thats fine, its the life i wanted and im very happy day to day, but part of me wants to change it up in a big way. I did have my hair done…
And i like it, but it doesnt seem crazy enough.

Another factor im finding hard, is Christmas. Its not my favourite time of year and the reason for this? I’m childless. 

Christmas IS for kids, the magic in their eyes, the twinkle of lights, the christmas songs, the excitement, meeting Santa, leaving a carrot for Rudolph, christmas movies. Its ALL for kids. Christmas as an adult is expensive, stressful, takes a mass amount of planning and is over in 24hrs. Its shit. End of.

Every year for the past 7 years, weve said, next Christmas will be different. It isnt. The difference this year is i won’t be pregnant. I can have a drink and eat all the Patè i want. Itll still be shit. My one shining beacon is M. She has invited us round on the 28th to have xmas with her, her hubby and baby O. At least ill get to spend one day seeing xmas through a babys eyes, hes already fascinated by twinkling lights and as his Mum is xmas mad, the house will be like a grotto im sure. And although this should be my worst nightmare, having a proper xmas with a child will be more tolerable than anything else ive got planned. Itll be baby O’s day and itll be how it should be. Hubby and I don’t even decorate anymore, whats the point? Ok the cats like the baubles, but they are 8 now and sleep more, they wouldnt be bothered to even pull them off! 

I know i seem a bit Scrooge McDuck about this, but its so so hard at this time of the year, especially as many of my friends will be celebrating baby’s 1st xmas this year, except me.  I have managed to book time off from work over xmas this year, for the first time in many years and right now i want to book a flight away from 29th to the 2nd. I want to run away, i dont want to face this, i dont want to be strong and smile and make sure everyone else is OK, i want to sulk and be completely inappropriate and be melancholy.

Im also struggling with the passage of time. It simultaneously seems to have ground to a halt whilst also going faster than light. The things im looking forward to, Disneyland, family party, Australia, all seem forever away, whereas IVF in Cyprus in May seems just around the corner. 

I know this tends to be the norm when you are looking forward to or dreading something, it just seems hugely heightened at the moment.

Today has been hard, harder than its been in a while. Im still in a funk now with no way out in sight, so im going to stare blankly at the tele until bed time.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx