Tag: multiple baby loss

Reconciliation

Reconciliation

How do you reconcile being broody versus having MS?

How do you know its not just jealousy? There have been a fair few pregnancy announcements of late.

How do you know when the time is right to try again?

My head’s a mess. I really do want another baby. Sensible me thinks i should wait, my heart doesn’t think it can take it.

If i start MS meds, i have to be med free for a year before doing IVF again.

The longing for another pregnancy and baby is overwhelming at the moment. The idea of waiting another 18 months at least, scares me, the thought of feeling like this for that time is miserable.

I worry i won’t manage with 2, practical stuff i can sort, but the idea of Little T fighting with his sibling scares me.

I worry Little T will be jealous, but i worry he will be lonely.

Its a complete head fcuk.

My main problem is lack of information. I don’t know if i should start meds and then have a break and then IVF, or whether its easier to try again sooner rather than later, then start meds after a potential pregnancy.

I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, the NHS or my consultant (who is sourcing my medication). The problem is, I’m not seeing my consultant again until after we have been to Cyprus, which would be a prime opportunity to do FET (frozen embryo transfer)

Doesn’t help that my body is being weird, namely longer periods and random aches in the uterus area. I think its all in my head to be honest but its just messing with me.

Why does this have to be so hard?!!!!

I’m so back and forth

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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And so it begins…

And so it begins…

The desperation. The hoping i won’t come on. The praying we get lucky.

Already! We don’t cycle til September and I’m already obsessed.

Ugh! This is what IVF does. It seeps into every corner of your life. Makes you crazy. Makes you feel inadequate.

Roll on September and i hope we get a BFP as i will not be cycling again. We plan to defrost all the embryos so there is no second attempt at a sibling. IVF has been part of our lives for 7 years and we NEED to move on.

I know its the right thing to do. I know I’m so lucky to have Little T. I also know ill be devastated if it doesn’t work. So between now and then, i need to prepare myself, so I’m not broken if it doesn’t work.

In the mean time, there’s the MS diagnosis to contend with. I’ve got many symptoms going on. It started with a numb tongue for 10 days. 2 weeks later my right side went numb for about 3 weeks.

Its progressed to:

  • Lack of control in right arm and leg
  • Fine motor skills encumbered, can’t butter toast, put a key in the lock, stir a cup of tea etcetera.
  • Slurred speech
  • Fatigue
  • Balance affected

I’ve had a brain scan via MRI and I’m awaiting an appointment with a specialist. The symptoms seem to get worse with each ‘episode’ they progress quicker and last longer. I’ve had enough.

To top it all of off, my GP wants to review my anti depressants with a view to reducing them.

The appointment is next week and I’m anxious and scared. I’m not ready and i plan to tell him this and fight to stay on my current dose.

So, there’s a lot going on and I’m having some down days. I can’t even have a glass of wine as i can’t handle it, probably due to my rubbish brain, i just get stupidly drunk and make a fool of myself!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

PS sorry about the i’s M 😉

Wave of Light 2017

Wave of Light 2017

Today marks the end of babyloss awareness week. For those of us unlucky enough to have experienced babyloss, everyday is awareness day.

It lives with you. Even if you have a sunshine baby (before a loss) and/or rainbow baby (after a loss) you never forget your angel baby/ies.

People expect you to move on, to get over it, but how do you say goodbye to someone you never met? How do you stop wondering what you missed? 

My favourite part of this years campaign has been what to say and what not to say to someone going through babyloss.

The amount of shitty things that were said to me after both losses was insane. I was the one grieving and yet i had to smile and nod at the downright awful and often stupid things people said to me. I was often reminded people were ‘just trying to help’ but they were hurting me even more.

So, here is a list of what NOT to say

  • Everything happens for a reason
  • At least you know you can get pregnant
  • Try not to dwell on it
  • It was early, dont think of it as a baby
  • Its just a heavy period
  • You need to look to the future
  • Its time to move on

Things you SHOULD say/do

  • Im sorry for your loss
  • Its ok to cry
  • Im here for you
  • Use the baby’s name in conversation
  • Dont shy away from talking about the loss
  • I wish i could do more to help
  • The pain will get easier to live with 
  • You need to grieve

So here are my candles for my angels, surrounding my rainbow. They will burn for the next hour as part of the worldwide wave of light.

I also have a more permanent reminder of my angels

Mr Me designed this for me 10 years ago. I kept meaning to get it done but life and IVF and loss got in the way.

After Little T was born I added the colour for Milo and Millie and the 3, for the 3 T’s (me, hubby and little T)

I couldnt be more pleased with it.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

9-8, 5-8 (not a math problem)

9-8, 5-8 (not a math problem)

14 weeks! 

Little T burst his way into the world 14 weeks ago and forever changed our lives for the better! 

I really struggled with being a Mummy in the beginning. I found it hard to accept my new role, to accept the change in relationship between Mr Me and I. I was warned id be tired, but i didnt understand, i was warned it was hard, but i didnt understand.

Now i do. Im permantly tired, thats the new normal, so i can cope with it. Sleep deprivation is a thing of the past, because we are used to it. For example, i got 3ish hours last night whereas Little T got 11. Go figure. Think i was waiting for him to wake for a feed all night, not daring to believe he’d sleep through.

One off or is this the start of 11 hour nights? The latter would be amazing but i wont count on it, yet.

Since allowing myself to love him, im finding my new role as Mummy, so rewarding. I love watching him learn and grow, although it seems to be going so so fast. Everyday, his smile melts me, i cannot believe we made something so so beautiful and clever.

The last few years seem like a bad dream. Ill never forget Milo and Millie, how could i? They helped shape who i am, but our rainbow, Little T, glows through those dark clouds, and makes those times seem so distant, that the grief is manageable, the pain dulled somewhat.

So at 14 weeks, my little man can smile and grab, hes so close to rolling over but hates tummy time. He loves music, and the car, he has a favourite toy, and being the centre of attention is his forte. He is the most amazing waste of time, i can spend hours just watching him. I cant believe how lucky i am.

Im so happy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Not long now…

Not long now…

Im still really happy and positive, which i am loving. Ive redudced my antidepressants as i was getting a false high. I felt like i was about 6 foot off the floor, which was amazing after months of feeling like i had the weight of the world on my shoulders, but it was most definitely a drug induced high.

I feel good, even though ive redudced, the high is gone but im still very positive which is the main thing. I hope to cut them out completely soon but have to put myself and my mental health first, even over the potential pregnancy. Im pretty pleased with myself though, as a few weeks ago, i never thought I’d be strong enough to reduce them.

Millie’s anniversary was last weekend. It passed peacefully. We were busy with family so didnt think much about it to be honest, but when i did, it made me sad. I quickly moved on though as we have so much to look forward to. Although we didnt mark the occasion, like we did with Milo, i feel OK with that. Ive spent a lot of the last 12 months being incredibly low and sad and i didnt want another day like that, which if we had done something, it would have been. I dont feel bad about this, i would have before, as its not what is expected of a bereaved parent, but ive forgiven myself for my lack of feeling towards the babies. As cold as that sounds.

Had a bit of a panic this week. AF arrived Thursday afternoon, not in the evening as normal. Which sent me into a ‘is this cycle day 1 panic’. My gut told me, no it wasnt, friday would be CD 1, and if ANY ONE else had come to me with that scenario, id have told them with certainty that friday was cycle day 1. When its your own cycle though, logic appears to go out of the window, and for the life of me i wasnt sure. I asked around on babycentre, but UK clinics have all different rules. Eventually i gave in and Whatsapped Umit. Within 2 hours i had my answer, should have trusted my gut. Just seeing his name flash up instantly relaxed me. They really are the best clinic in the world!! This saved lots of bother as i didnt have to rebook my scan or blood tests.

Speaking of the pre-testing….what a nightmare this has been to sort. Last time my GP did the ‘easy’ bloods and i just had to arrange AMH and the Scan, which was easy, i contacted a private clinic, went in, paid, had everything done. This year, no such luck! I needed a GP referral for bloods….so had to make use of an intermediary company to get that sorted. Booked a scan at a baby scanning place (cheaper but not as good, see below) and booked a third place for the scratch. It sounds like a lot of hardwork but a babycentre/facebook friend basically found the scan and bloods for me….she was amazing….much love A. Its never been so hard to give my money away, i tell you!! 

Today has been a busy one, but not once have i felt anxious or overwhelmed which is a big thing for me. The idea of going to 2 hospitals (bloods and counselling), doing a tesco shop, changing gas and electricty suppliers for me and my Mum, changing details on a gift, calling and emailing my neurologist and blogging, all in one day, would have been enough for me to just stay in bed, but today, it was a breeze!!! Mini mexican wave in honor of me 👐🏻👐🏻👐🏻👐🏻👐🏻

So the IVF update…

32 days until we fly

My results from the greek hidden infections tests were clear (whoop). I was initally disappointed as i wanted the antibiotics in case the infection that killed Millie was still lingering. Hubby and i talked it out and we both feel that if anyone could find this infection, it would have been Serum, since they didnt, i must be clean.

Hubby is well underway with his antibiotics and vitamins, in an effort to hopefully boost the number of viable sperm, so Team Miracle have more to play with. However, this is just an extra, as opposed to a need, as we have always had enough sperm for fertilisation in the past.

Had a scan on Saturday at Babybond. Only cost £100 but wasnt as good as a fertility scan as she made no attempt to count my follicles, simply saying there were too many to count (because i have polycystic ovaries). Luckily i had the sense to ask and its a good job i did because TM came back to me and asked exactly that. So perhaps in the future ill avoid such a place for a pre IVF scan. Everything is good to go though.

Had my bloods done this morning. Was very disappointed i couldnt park at the hospital. Given its private i thought itd have a decent car park, i was wrong, it was chocka so i parked a couple of streets away. I wont get any results until all of them are back, so that will be next week sometime.

Im still on reduced caffeine and alcohol, although if i fancy a real coffee or a glass of wine, im having one. Ive abstained for months before in the past and still have no baby to show for it, so why punish myself unnecessarily?! The day i start stims, will be the day i go teetotal.

As im eating better than i ever have before a cycle, im not even thinking about fertility super foods, just carrying on with my balanced diet, im going for the relaxed approach, sod it!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

I cant believe im actually saying this ‘outloud’

I cant believe im actually saying this ‘outloud’

When I started this blog, i swore to be honest. And i have been and will continue to be. Todays post is VERY honest and im quite worried about the reception itll recieve but i cant edit ‘me’ or there is no point to this if i do.

Today i had a tough counselling session. I knew in advance it was going to be hard as the plan was to look at pictures of Millie to face the situation head on as i very much avoid talking about her, or Milo, whilst in counselling. I ended up taking Milo’s baby book as well as the one purchased for Millie so my counsellor could look and to be honest i thought, ‘in for a penny, in for a pound.’

Before going to the session, i had a chat with bestie L, and between us we worked out that i feel a lot of shame regarding the babies, but not in the way youd think, im not ashamed i lost them, im ashamed OF them. 

The revelations countinued. Firstly, i cant look at the prints without physically backing away from them. Luckily my counsellor realised i was struggling and took them off me, but used them as props to get me talking.

I dont feel anything positive towards the babies, no love or pride or, well anything. 

What i do feel, is negative.

Im ashamed of my children, when i look at the photos, i see a dead baby. Thats it. And its not nice to look at all. Ive always said i dont show people the pictures in case they are afraid, but the truth is im afraid of them, afraid and ashamed.

I dont want them as part of my timeline, as part of my history. I want to erase them, completley, from my life. In honesty the photos repulse me a bit. 

I cannot see hubby or I in the baby in the photos, i just see a dead baby. And its horrid and shameful and nasty but its now i feel.

I am a monster.  Its not right for me to feel this way but ive finally admitted the truth to myself and it is how i feel.

I went overboard about baby loss awareness through guilt, i wanted to say and do the ‘right’ thing, to hide what i was actually feeling, which was nothing.

I dont miss them. I dont love them. I cant look at them. Im not proud of them. I just wish none of it had happened. 

I was honest with my counsellor about this and she told me not think of myself as a monster, but to realise that im only human and its OK not to be proud, they didnt do anything. Its OK to not miss them, as what is there to miss? i didnt know them, they didnt develop personalities, but its not OK to think of myself as a Monster.

I do though, im ashamed to admit all this, ashamed i cant be the doting mother, ashamed i feel nothing, well nothing good, about the kids. But at least im being honest with myself. Finally.

Having said that, im now drowning in guilt. Its hard to admit this to myself, that my own children scare, and repulse me a little, thatd i prefer it if they didnt exist, but i have to be honest to move forward.

I could bin all the photo prints, baby books and whatever else, but i know that in time, ill, hopefully, feel very differently. It may take a decade before i look at them again, but there will be a time im grateful for them.

How can any mother say this?! My children should be gorgeous to me, lets face it all parents love their children and see the best in them, even if others dont find them all that cute*, so why cant i think of my babies like that? Maybe because i dont feel like a mother?? Or maybe because im seeing them for what they are, small, dead, purple babies. 

Theres nothing to coo over, nothing to say ahhh about. They look horrendous, because they are, they are dead and they look it. And i hate that. I want a pink baby, normal sized, and healthy. Ill never put Millie and Milo on display because i cant bear to see them and admit that they are mine.

I do however, like looking at my bump pictures. Looking at them makes me smile and remember how amazing i felt being pregnant. I was very aware of the little miracles i was carrying, very grateful to be able to do what women do and give life. Except i dont do i? I give death. But i enjoy being pregnant. Its such a hard thing to reconcile, enjoying being pregnant but being ashamed by the end result. What really sucks  is now, i dont look forward to pregnancy, i dont think ill ever feel the same as i have before…is that really what sucks? Given what im admitting to here? Hmmm.

I hate myself for even thinking like this, im terrified people will look at me differently after reading this, to the point where i dont want to publish, but i will, just in case this helps someone else , one day, some day, maybe. 

Love, a very ashamed Little Miss PMA xxx

*Minty.