Tag: multiple ivf cycles

Reconciliation

Reconciliation

How do you reconcile being broody versus having MS?

How do you know its not just jealousy? There have been a fair few pregnancy announcements of late.

How do you know when the time is right to try again?

My head’s a mess. I really do want another baby. Sensible me thinks i should wait, my heart doesn’t think it can take it.

If i start MS meds, i have to be med free for a year before doing IVF again.

The longing for another pregnancy and baby is overwhelming at the moment. The idea of waiting another 18 months at least, scares me, the thought of feeling like this for that time is miserable.

I worry i won’t manage with 2, practical stuff i can sort, but the idea of Little T fighting with his sibling scares me.

I worry Little T will be jealous, but i worry he will be lonely.

Its a complete head fcuk.

My main problem is lack of information. I don’t know if i should start meds and then have a break and then IVF, or whether its easier to try again sooner rather than later, then start meds after a potential pregnancy.

I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, the NHS or my consultant (who is sourcing my medication). The problem is, I’m not seeing my consultant again until after we have been to Cyprus, which would be a prime opportunity to do FET (frozen embryo transfer)

Doesn’t help that my body is being weird, namely longer periods and random aches in the uterus area. I think its all in my head to be honest but its just messing with me.

Why does this have to be so hard?!!!!

I’m so back and forth

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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And so it begins…

And so it begins…

The desperation. The hoping i won’t come on. The praying we get lucky.

Already! We don’t cycle til September and I’m already obsessed.

Ugh! This is what IVF does. It seeps into every corner of your life. Makes you crazy. Makes you feel inadequate.

Roll on September and i hope we get a BFP as i will not be cycling again. We plan to defrost all the embryos so there is no second attempt at a sibling. IVF has been part of our lives for 7 years and we NEED to move on.

I know its the right thing to do. I know I’m so lucky to have Little T. I also know ill be devastated if it doesn’t work. So between now and then, i need to prepare myself, so I’m not broken if it doesn’t work.

In the mean time, there’s the MS diagnosis to contend with. I’ve got many symptoms going on. It started with a numb tongue for 10 days. 2 weeks later my right side went numb for about 3 weeks.

Its progressed to:

  • Lack of control in right arm and leg
  • Fine motor skills encumbered, can’t butter toast, put a key in the lock, stir a cup of tea etcetera.
  • Slurred speech
  • Fatigue
  • Balance affected

I’ve had a brain scan via MRI and I’m awaiting an appointment with a specialist. The symptoms seem to get worse with each ‘episode’ they progress quicker and last longer. I’ve had enough.

To top it all of off, my GP wants to review my anti depressants with a view to reducing them.

The appointment is next week and I’m anxious and scared. I’m not ready and i plan to tell him this and fight to stay on my current dose.

So, there’s a lot going on and I’m having some down days. I can’t even have a glass of wine as i can’t handle it, probably due to my rubbish brain, i just get stupidly drunk and make a fool of myself!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

PS sorry about the i’s M 😉

#IVFis40

#IVFis40

So this year marks 40 years since the 1st IVF baby was born.

In honour of National Fertility Awareness week, i wanted to share some of my experiences/memories.

Ive done a whopping 9 cycles. 3 of those resulted in no embryo transfer. Of the other 6, 3 worked. Im INCREDIBLY lucky to have such good numbers. Sadly, only 1 pregnancy made it to term. The other 2 were lost at 21 weeks.

I remember after being referred for IVF i cried. I honestly thought we’d make a baby the normal way (or as i now say, traditional way). We had no idea there was a problem at the time of referral either.

Then at our 1st meeting at the clinic we are told i have polycystic ovaries (but not the syndrome) and he has poor sperm in terms of count, morphology and mobility. We have 0.01% chance of making a baby tradtionally.

Then the wait to cycle. I think the waiting was one of the worst things for me. Youve got your head round the idea and then you have to wait. Wait your turn. Get knocked back due to clinic being full/bank holidays/clinic closing for a clean/incubators not working/hormones inbalanced/uterine lining too thin…all of those were actual reasons i couldnt start a cycle or why i couldnt have an embryo transferred.

The 1st time i was naive. I got 23 eggs, the most that day. But only 13 fertilised. Youre not warned the numbers drop so fast. I got ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome but didnt tell the clinic in case they cancelled my cycle. I was really quite poorly but i was also desperate. Itd been 2.5yrs of trying by then. By transfer day i had 3 embryos left and a touch of OHSS. The transfer went ahead. 10 days later my period started.

Little did i know itd take another 6 years and 8 cycles before i brought a baby home.

I started out shy, taking my knickers off for a scan, WHILST on my period, was mortifying! By the end, id take my knickers off as easy as most people take off a pair of sunglasses when entering a room.

I knew all the acronyms, i was a huge contributer to online communities, i read all the research, ate brazil nuts, pineapple core, avocado, whatever the lastest study revealed. 

I lived, breathed and loved IVF. Im still an advocate for talking about infertility, and now, sadly, terminations for medical reasons and late miscarriage.

I went abroad, to Cyprus, for my final 4 cycles of IVF. I met a wonderful team at my chosen clinic. They blessed me with 2 pregnancies including the one who made it to term. They are like family, and i like to think im paying for thier kids to go to uni!! Haha! 

They were the best of times but also the worst of times

Even now, with my miracle rainbow baby sleeping upstairs, im still jealous of a pregnancy bump. 

I have 5 frozen embryos, im exceptionally lucky. But im not sure i can do anymore IVF. Its emotionally draining, its a lifestyle not just a treatment. Its scary and hard and consumes your very being.

Im so grateful for IVF. I am truly lucky to live in an age where treatments get better every year. Still, i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

But, what if?

But, what if?

Awesome bank holiday.

Down to Bristol to see the fam. Little T was a dream. Drinks were flowing, laughs a plenty were had by all.

But, i was late. A fair few days late. I mentioned this to Mr Me on Sunday, i couldnt possibly be pregnant, could I? 

Theres a 0.1% chance we could conceive on our own, and i thought we had avoided my fertile window. But we were worried.

In the last week we had come to a decision. We dont want another baby. We dont want to go through the anxiety of another rainbow pregnancy, we dont want to go through the IVF stress of will it/wont it in order to achieve a pregnancy. We dont want to risk another loss. Little T has seemingly not got Mr Me’s blood conditions or my asthma, would the next baby be as lucky? 

Our lives are pretty awesome just now. Little T is a great baby, sleeping through the majority of nights, happy and content. 

On a more selfish note, i cant face the 1st 8 weeks again, im enjoying being able to have a glass of wine, drink coffee, eating paté and soft cheese. I like being able to afford nice holidays and having a spare room. We work well as a 3, Mr Me and I have found our rhythm again. All in all life is pretty perfect.

Was that all about to change?

2 under 1? Really? What would we do? Financially it wouldnt really be viable. Id be permanently exhausted. A tandem pram costs a grand. How would i cope heavily pregnant with a 10/11 month old? 2 in nappies?!! The exhaustion of pregnancy, on top of parenting exhaustion? We were terrified.

The T word (termination) came up. It would be an option. But could i really go through with it after all we had been through? I didnt think so. 

Only one thing to do, test and find out.

Cue a family trip to the Trafford Centre and Boots. A latte later, and there i am peeing on a stick in a Costa coffee toilet. Classy but I had to know whether i could have a glass of wine at lunch!! 

Never ever have i hoped for a negative test. Those 3 minutes were agonising. 

1 line!! Whoop! Mr Me’s sperm hadnt made a miracalous recovery! Pass the wine!! In fact pass me 2. (It was nice wine)

So, what this taught me was: A, i really am not ready for another baby, and B, i need to get back on the pill ASAP but it looks like ive not ovulated so it may be a very long cycle!!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Its all starting to make sense

Its all starting to make sense

I went back to counselling this week. Mr Me made the referral when i was struggling. In the hour i was there, i managed to cover the time from his birth to my struggles to feeling better.

Over the course of this week ive realised my next session will be my last. I dont need that level of support anymore. I know how to manage my issues now. I can self analyse, know what will make me anxious and why and how to cope with that.

I know ill probably need to be medicated for depression for most of my life but im ok with that. Im ok to admit that i suffer with anxiety and depression, the same way i suffer with and am medicated for asthma. Its just part of my life. Im at peace with that.

Actually, im happy. Im happy i finally have my baby, happy that, despite all the crap, Mr Me and I made it. Happy im a mummy, a wife, a friend.

Worry, sleep deprivation and self doubt are creeping away. Little T is nearly 12 weeks old (oh my god i have a 3 month old) and hes thriving (now that hes being treated for reflux) 

Now i get more than 2 hours sleep a night, im more rational, more confident. In the last couple of weeks we have settled into a nice routine. 

Ive joined more classes, i spend more time just enjoying Little T and watching him learn and develop. I no longer constantly hold myself up to the impossible standard i set myself.

I now love being his mummy. Now that ive stopped worrying about losing myself, ive found my feet. Im still me, still put my make up on, do my nails when i can, go out with my friends, spend quality time with Mr Me. Im me AND a mummy. 

Now i know why we fought so hard for so long, now i know i was right to want this so much.

Ive stopped caring if i get all the washing done, stopped worrying about keeping on top of the housework. It gets done. Not today though. Today ive spent all day snuggling, because he needed me, and i needed him. There wont always be days where we can just snuggle so these days are special.

My family is special. And i love being a mummy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

The plan…

I realise i havent mentioned what is actually happening in cycle 9.

So instead of stimulating on menopur, im using gonal f for the 1st time

I asked my clinic why we were changing and i got an amazing explanation…

‘Yes it’s to try and keep E2 down but also because you have PCOS so you should have a better response using only a low dose of FSH rather than FSH/LH combination like Menogon.

There’s a scientific article that sort of explains the difference between Gonal F and Puregon:http://www.fertstert.org/article/S0015-0282(08)03820-X/abstract

Basically patients using Gonal F and Puregon had a similar number of eggs collected but the ones using Puregon had a lower pregnancy rate and much higher E2 levels.  Gonal F has a higher rate of pregnancy and lower E2 levels.’

So that’s promising as the reason for the freeze all was due to really high E2 levels and its our LAST EVER cycle, i REALLY want to get to transfer.

Im on the pill until 18th August, then meds start approx. 23rd August and we fly the 31st! 

I cant say im feeling very confident though. Nothing to do with the Team or anything, but lack of faith in my own body and embryos. Im young and relatively fertility healthy and yet we are struggling to get pregnant again. I thought we had cracked the GETTING pregnant bit and it was STAYING pregnant that would be the issue, but infertility isnt straight forward. And IVF isnt a gurantee.

Im hoping my PMA returns the closer we get, im sure upon seeing the team ill be boosted, they are a very inspiring and reassuring lot.

For now, im just managing my fears and keeping busy until the time comes to start yet another cycle.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx