Tag: newborn

Never knew how much id hate the sun when i had a kid

Never knew how much id hate the sun when i had a kid

The weather is fabulous, hot hot hot. Normally id be loving it being a bit of a sun worshipper but with a new born its hell!!! 
I cannot keep the poor kid cool. He wont sleep upstairs as its beyond hot.

The gro egg of doom taunts me with its red glow and sad face on a nightly basis at the moment

Dont get me wrong its a brilliant bit of kit but at 3am when the boy wont settle, i can feel it judging me!!! 

To move on from the weather thiugh….

Yesterday was Fathers Day and Mr Me got to celebrate AT LAST.

Little T got him an engraved box with lots of pictures round the side, and a card of course.

Mr Me fancied lunch out so off we went to the Trafford Centre as we were able to control Little Ts temperature somewhat there. Whilst waiting for a lift, a lady asked me if i was behind Confessions of Little Miss PMA!!!! She told me she had been reading for years and recognised us from pictures. Id been spotted. Im famous! I was so taken aback but so so grateful to her. You dont know it but you made our day, so, thank you!! 

We had a lovely lunch and i got my pushing present…

I still cant get my wedding and engagement rings on so this is a place holder until i can. I love it!!! 

Emotionally ive been feeling much more positive. Until this morning when i was knackered due to having 2hrs sleep and Little T just whinging for nearly 2 hours. I couldve broken down next to him. I had no patience so i walked away, made him a bottle, and he eventually fell asleep. I got an hr and a half too which made all the difference. When i woke up i was refreshed and able to deal with grumpy Little T. Its amazing how much brighter things seem when youve got 3.5hrs sleep in your pocket. Even if it is broken. Happy Days.

We have been to baby clinic today, Little T is now 8lb 15oz and finally able to start using the sleeping bags we bought as he kicks off blankets. Of course its now too bloody hot to use such a thing but itll be great when it cools down. Poor lad is currently just sleeping in a vest at night. During the day hes in a nappy under a muslin. Usually hates being naked but thats how hot it is.

The poor fur babies are beyond themselves too.

Splash is camped out by an additonal water bowl and i found Smudge in the bath yesterday!! Id hate to have a fur coat on in this heat!!! 

I definitely feel more confident at this parenting thing, we are getting out almost everyday, it no longer takes an hour just to leave the house. I can read Little Ts cues more easily, hes gaining weight and most importantly ive kept him alive for 5 weeks!!!!

Im still overwhelmed by it all sometimes. Its not how i imagined but i am being rewarded. We think he is close to smiling which will be amazeballs. Its much harder than i imagined. I didnt expect my relationship with Mr Me to change as much as it has either.

We will be going on date night this week just to talk and reconnect. We miss each other for sure and Mr Me did confess he was struggling which actually made me feel oodles better as i thought it was just me. Itll be nice to have one on one time for a few hours to remember we are not just parents. Plus im looking forward to a few cocktails 🍾🥂🍹🍸

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Hormones….or something else?

Hormones….or something else?

Little T is 4 weeks old tomorrow. 4 weeks!!!! 

Our lives have totally changed in those 4 weeks. Absolutely for the better. 8 years of graft, hope, hurt and tears have come to fruition and we have created a beautiful little person. Who, as i type, is screaming and has done, on and off, for 3 hours after being a dream in front of people all day.

He is worth the sleep deprivation, the pain, the piles 🤢, and i wouldnt change him for the world.

But today i realised something. Im struggling with jealousy.

There have been a couple of pregnancy announcements in the last few days, and despite having a 4 week old, im jealous. Its the same old story, i cant just make a baby, need to plan a trip abroad blah blah. And its not that im not happy with my baby, it just reminds me of what i cant do and that i may never give Little T a sibling.

Im also jealous of Mr Me. He is totally 100% in love with Little T. He told me how he aches for him when hes at work. Im not there yet, yeah ok, im with him 19+ hrs a day so dont really have chance to miss him yet (although i did today, despite being in his presence, Mr Me or our friends had hold of Little T all day and i did miss cuddles, of course as soon as i get chance for cuddles, he gets grouchy. Go figure) but i feel inadequate. Despite knowing its pretty normal, i feel like im failing as a Mum/Parent. Id do anything for the little guy, id protect him to the end of time and he only has to squeal and im there, but im not IN love. Not yet. And i feel like i should be. I do love him. Especially when he looks like this…

The other thing ive realised is that im jealous that Mr Me loves Little T, so much

Dont get me wrong, its exactly as it should be, but he now looks at the baby the way he used to look at me. His focus is split between us, again, as it should be, but i miss the attention

Mr Me is my best friend, its been him and me against the world for 13 years. We have been through the WORST of times together and always come out the other side stronger. Now here we are going through the BEST of times and i feel like hes slipping away. I think most of these feelings can be blamed on sleep deprivation, everything is magnified when you are tired. In the past 4 weeks, Mr Me and I have gone to bed at the same time, twice. One of those times was last night. He didnt kiss me as we settled down. Simply due to being exhausted, nothing was meant by it. But it broke my heart. I couldnt sleep. I felt a massive sense of forboding. I cant explain why.

We have talked about this briefly. Mr Me has assured me he loves me just as much as he did 4 weeks ago, and that we both have enough love for each other to love another person. We both agree we have no idea how to deal with this but that we will. I feel pathetic. Jealous of my husband loving our son, i mean, really? Isnt this typically how the partner feels? Not the mother? 

As i say its partly about how in love with Little T he is, and im just not, yet and partly because i feel him slipping away. Whatever it is its making me teary. The ice queen is melting. Mr Me worries its the start of PND which i think scares him a lot. I think its maybe delayed baby blues? Ill mention it to a health professional at my next appointment but perhaps i just need to draft in a Grandma so we can go out for a few hours as a couple and not as parents. I just didnt think id be feeling this way 4 weeks in

I sound so bitter and ungrateful. Im truly not. Im just adjusting to no sleep, less food, Mr Me and I being ships that pass in the night and caring for a newborn

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

#mummyfails 

#mummyfails 

Little T is officially a person!! We registered him on Thursday. It was a fairly momentous day. I never thought id have a legal tiny human with a birth certificate and everything. An actual real birth certificate. A legally recognised child. Wow.

Proud Mummy Moment

The same day that it was made legal, the day i officially became a Mummy, was also the same day as my 1st #mummyfail

After registering him, we had lunch, including little T, we then laid flowers at the Manchester memorial. Very sobering at the best of times but with a newborn it was something else. I had goosebumps. The whole city is grieving as one. The pain was palpable but so was the sense of community and determination that we will not be beaten

St Ann’s Square, Manchester

As we made our way back to the car, Little T was getting hungry, and i hadnt packed another bottle!!!!!! We had to go straight to the Prolonged Jaundice Clinic so the poor guy screamed for about an hour. I have never felt so awful. What a shit parent. Ive learnt from it and ill never leave the house with 1 bottle again but my word! It was just the worst feeling.

Not only that but i cut his little finger when clipping his nails the other day!!! The boy has really sharp nails and scratches himself, and me, a lot but from now on ill only be filing them down.

The smallest of things can really knock you. Being referred to the Jaundice Clinic made me feel i wasnt capable of looking after him properly. Even though he is still Jaundice, the Nurse Practitinor was happy that it would resolve on its own, still though, i couldnt get it cleared in the 2 weeks specified so #mummyfail

I couldnt breastfeed #mummyfail

I cut his finger #mummyfail

I didnt pack enough food #mummyfail

Not only am i making rookie mistakes but im also missing being pregnant which i feel guilty about. I waited so long to be a Mummy and now i am, i miss being pregnant.

However, the NCT girls who have also given birth, miss their bumps too, so im not alone or weird.

Even though it was tough at the end and my anxiety was up throughout, i miss feeling him move, i miss the way i looked, i miss the feeling that i was doing something amazing. Now im just flabby, with no clothes that fit!!!! But my belly button bar did go back in with ease the other day which pleased me no end!! 

Despite all my #mummyfails, yesterday Little T and i flew solo as Mr Me went back to work. We survived. And with smiles on our faces. We didnt get out but i did organise a drawer

I applied for child benefit and kept the boy alive so im classing it as a #mummywin 

That face!!!

I missed Mr Me terribly but i was proud that we got on well without him. I managed a shower, getting dressed and made up, lunch, sterilising and making up bottles. Ok so everything took an hour and a half longer than normal (when Mr Me is around and since Little T’s birth) but it got done and that is a #mummywin

The feelings are coming. I stare at him and marvel that i made him, i study every part of his face, admire every expression and movement. I would do anything to protect him. I miss him when he sleeps.

Its not the ‘rush’ i expected, was told about, instead its a slow creep of emotion that in time will consume my very being. Its not what i was expecting but its more than i ever dreamed it would be.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Birth Story! 

Birth Story! 

In true me style, its a little dramatic. So much so, Mr Me is helping me write this as ive forgotten a lot as i was in ‘the zone’.
We arrived at the delivery ward at about 12.15pm on Monday 15th May 2017. They were expecting us which was fantastic given the hiccups over the weekend 

We were shown to our room and met B, our 1st midwife. B talked to us about the process. Monitor baby, break waters, put me on the drip, wait for labour.

I had cannulas inserted for the hormone drip and so blood could be taken. B got flustered, bless her, so another midwife did my 1st cannula.

Bloods taken, it was time for ARM. Artificial removal of membranes. Using a hook. Its a good long hook but not very sharp. It took 2 hooks to get the waters to fully burst. I stood up to get gravity to help…they ran down my leg through 2 pads. I ended up in a puddle.

I was hooked up to the hormone drip to start contractions. Cramps seemed to start quite quickly. All the while im on the CTG to monitor baby. It showed i was having contractions before any drugs were introduced.

It became apparant i had to go to the loo so unhooked from CTG but hormone drip still attached i relieved myself. Better now than later.

The contractions ramped up at this point. Gas and air was in use. I leaned on the bed and over the bean bag. It felt like i couldnt cope, i thought i was soft. B kept telling me it was happening fast but i assumed my pain threshold had dropped. I was overwhelmed.

At 3, D came in, my 2nd midwife, i could barely talk to her at this point but i noted her pink hair and knew we’d get on. She introduced herself, i asked for drugs.

30 minutes later the anaesthetist arrived and took her sweet time setting up meds and pumps. I was litterally on the floor over a beanbag at this point and had to get to the bed for the patient administration device to be attached to my other hand. Its hard moving CTG wires and drips whilst also contracting for Britain. We moved on the count of 3.

Stuff gets blurry now. Mr Me says once hooked up to the good stuff i told the room at large i loved whoever gave me the good drugs.

I was examined and told i was 6cm. I asked ‘is that all?!’ I was told id gone from 3cm to 6cm in less than hour with no increase in meds and thats why i was overwhelmed.

Mr Me says i was sweating like a good un at this point, contracting really hard. 30 minutes later he noticed the remyfentynill cannula had come out and i was bleeding everywhere.

Gas and Air before each contraction as i no longer had access to the good stuff. Another long wait for the anaesthetist despite the emergency alarm being pulled. 10 people turned up including the anaesthetist but they all promptly left again, including the anaesthetist. Mr Me really wanted to kick off on my behalf as only he and my midwives understood i was in agony.

I briefly opened my eyes but really was concentrating on the pain. I remember being asked for my hand and D telling me she had put loads of plasters on as i was sweating so so much.

Examined again at 3.30pm to be told im fully dilated. 3hrs 45minutes after hormone drip administered. Instead of baby being born by midnight, it was going to be MUCH sooner.

15.33 i started pushing. And pushing. And pushing.

I have never sweat so much in my life. I had bought a cooling spray and it was the best thing ever, Mr Me held my gas and air, sprayed me, and gave me water in between coaching. I think id have passed out without the spray and water.

There was a catheter inserted at some point as they thought pushing wasnt working due to full bladder. Didnt feel or register that!!! 

Suddenly baby wasnt coping. Surgeons came in. I was going to theatre. Forceps or C Section were on the cards. Risks were being reeled off. I was asked to sign consents. I had no idea what i was signing. I knew i was exhausted and sensed something was wrong. All i could hear/concentrate on was the rain.

D explained what was going on so i stopped taking the meds. I begged her to get me there as i couldnt do any more. My body kept pushing.

I couldnt stop it so i pushed with no pain relief. I was sober. D was in scrubs, when and why that had happened im not sure. She reminded me about theatre. I begged again.

She told me that we werent going after all. I just pushed and she had seen baby. But i couldnt get him out. They had to cut me. I saw the scalpel but didnt register it. I was doing it drug free. And it fucking hurt. 3 pushes after the cut and they pulled him out. 18.01.

Just over 4 hours. 2.5 of those pushing… the Dr who stitched me, that bloody hurt too despite many locals, said i was a hero. 

Toby was taken away after he was briefly put on my chest. He was in shock (he was??) and quiet. Mr Me could see him but i couldnt. I asked 40 times if he was ok, was alive. Finally they gave him back. Not once did he cry.

An hour to stitch me up. 

No one tells you it feels like your ass has been blown out after birth. My vagina may not have been involved given the sensation i felt upon standing. Its weird. Really weird. I pee’d and had a shower whist Mr Me dressed Tobias. 

I thought birth hurt until labour was over. I was wrong. I still cant move properly. Think John Wayne x 1 million.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

PS it took nearly 2 hours to name this one!!!! 

Going home outfit