Tag: north cyprus

Holidays and Hospital Stays

Holidays and Hospital Stays

Last week we got back from 10 days in Northern Cyprus. We had a lovely time, Little T, particularly so!

The flights over were fine, but the layover in Istanbul was beyond stressful. Mum and my Bro went missing as we were separated getting off the plane, i had their passports and boarding cards, so they were stranded, and it took well over an hour for someone to take me seriously. This all because my Mum uses a wheelchair when travelling.

Anyway, we got to the hotel in 1 piece. Mums wheelchair spent the night at a different hotel mind you as it was unloaded incorrectly from the transfer!

My Grandad then passed away whilst we were there, but we tried to make the most of it. I think that’s what he would have wanted.

Little T was known throughout the hotel and down in the harbour. He managed with the heat incredibly well but isn’t a fan of a shower. He discovered chips and ate them everyday, along with Cyprus sausage, he learnt lots of new words and took lots of walks (not independently yet).

Since being back, I’ve booked Christmas dinner in Leeds, only to be told 20 minutes later, I’m having my MS treatment the week before Christmas and that kinda is the worst timing ever.

Ill be in hospital for 5 days from 17th Dec. Ill be given Lemtrada via infusion over those 5 days. The medication will bind to and destroy my white blood cells so ill be immunocompromised following the treatment. So being in a pub full of people 4 days later isn’t ideal!!!

Mind you, nor is handling strawberries due to the Listeria risk, but you gotta live, so ill be sat in the corner come Christmas day, keeping away from people!!!

I honestly thought after losing 2 babies and doing 9 rounds of IVF, I’d paid my dues, seems that’s not the case!

No rest for the wicked

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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Reconciliation

Reconciliation

How do you reconcile being broody versus having MS?

How do you know its not just jealousy? There have been a fair few pregnancy announcements of late.

How do you know when the time is right to try again?

My head’s a mess. I really do want another baby. Sensible me thinks i should wait, my heart doesn’t think it can take it.

If i start MS meds, i have to be med free for a year before doing IVF again.

The longing for another pregnancy and baby is overwhelming at the moment. The idea of waiting another 18 months at least, scares me, the thought of feeling like this for that time is miserable.

I worry i won’t manage with 2, practical stuff i can sort, but the idea of Little T fighting with his sibling scares me.

I worry Little T will be jealous, but i worry he will be lonely.

Its a complete head fcuk.

My main problem is lack of information. I don’t know if i should start meds and then have a break and then IVF, or whether its easier to try again sooner rather than later, then start meds after a potential pregnancy.

I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, the NHS or my consultant (who is sourcing my medication). The problem is, I’m not seeing my consultant again until after we have been to Cyprus, which would be a prime opportunity to do FET (frozen embryo transfer)

Doesn’t help that my body is being weird, namely longer periods and random aches in the uterus area. I think its all in my head to be honest but its just messing with me.

Why does this have to be so hard?!!!!

I’m so back and forth

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Dumbass

Dumbass

Im so stupid, i mentioned on a competition on Facebook that we are planning to IVF again before blogging it.

So, we are planning a Frozen Embryo Transfer in September. I’m on holiday in North Cyprus anyway so makes sense to give it a go!

If it works, Little T will be just 2 when the new one arrives. Gulp! But people manage, and so will we.

I’ve 5 frozen and the plan is to defrost all of them and put best 2 back. This will stop me trying again and again. I don’t want IVF to take over again.

The bump envy won’t go away, even labour stories were making me jealous, but now we have made a decision, i feel at ease, peaceful almost and excited!

I’m excited to love another little person and give T a playmate. I also know that if it doesn’t work, T is meant to be an only child who we can spoil endlessly. Win win really.

Not getting any younger and biological clock is ticking away. I’m also being investigated for MS which has pushed my timeline up. That’s another story though.

So…big news

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

The reality of the last cycle.

The reality of the last cycle.

The last couple of weeks have been a mad scramble to decide how much we want to throw at this cycle. We wanted to go all in, but financial constraints meant we couldnt (we’ve spent approx £15k so far) and it was bothering me as i knew id wonder ‘what if’.

So we asked my mother in law for help, and she has come through, like she always does, so we can now go all in.

We are doing another fresh cycle, whereby my eggs will be collected and fertilised with Mr Me’s sperm. We also have 3 frosties too but it remains to be seen if we will use these.

We have also swapped my stimulation meds from menopur to gonal-f (see previous post). 

So with my MIL’s help we can now do embryoscope (time lapse imaging and software to determine best embryos), blastgen (the culture the embryos are grown in) and PGD. 

PGD stands for pre genetic diagnosis and involves removing the nucleus of a cell on day 3 of embryo development and testing it for chromosomal abnormalities. This ensures only healthy embryos are transferred and that way ill know thats not the reason they fail (if they do) 

Its the only thing we havent tried yet and as its my last go, well it has to be done really so i know i tried everything.

Despite all of the above, im still not hopeful, i just dont think my body is capable of another pregnancy. Perhaps because the infection that killed Millie is still lingering? I have done everything in power to ensure this isnt the case, but given they couldnt culture or identify the infection, its quite hard to know if its still floating about in me. Only time will tell! 

Although im happy to move onto adoption if/when this cycle fails, it does mean coming to terms with NEVER having a biological child. Never seeing Mr Me in the face of a live baby, not having a mini us running round. And thats hard. Really hard. I thought i was just going through the motions with cycle 9 but it turns out, i really want OUR baby

This feeling is enhanced by our decision to adopt, obviously, but its more than that. I want to create life, i want that life to be half me and half Mr Me, i want to do what others do so easily, and quite frankly i feel like we deserve it. We’ve put in the time and effort, been through the loss, grieved and still come back fighting. So cant we just have a bit of good luck?

However, if we do get pregnant it throws up 40 weeks of terror, if we get that far. Mr Me has been honest and said he wont be able to relax or feel positive the whole way through it. And who can blame him? I cant say itll be all sunshine and rainbows for me either. But its me that needs to do this.

I still have bump envy, despite everything, i love being pregnant, i feel wonderfully well but i also feel special. I like that feeling. I know it wont be easy but oh god if it works itd just be amazing.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

We’re here (ow my ovaries)

We’re here (ow my ovaries)

We arrived safe n sound late last night. Our apartment is massive and amazing, we love the complex and the pool and can see ourselves holidaying here in years to come.

Woke up mega early this morning so we had a stroll to the shop for essentials…ham, bread, cheese, milk…obvisouly

We then wandered down to the harbour where we had a lovely drink by the sea!

Afterwards we came back to the pool for a little sunbathe with high spf as the meds are making me very susceptible to the sun.

Im at clinic at 12.30pm tomorrow and i hope im ready to trigger because im getting pretty uncomfortable now!

So fingers crossed for large follicles tomorrow and a nice lining.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx