Tag: parenting after loss

Where do we go from here?

Where do we go from here?

I miss blogging.

I’ve held off as i know that when TTC the last thing you want is to read about how someone made it through the horridness that is infertility.

But i miss it. And i worked dam hard to get little T, i want to share stories about him, pictures of him.

So I’m letting you know, this will become a blog about someone who made it. Someone who won the war. Someone who paid their dues.

I’m truly sorry for everyone still fighting, i am.

But look how cute…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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Guilt

Guilt

I feel a lot of guilt. 

Mummy guilt…am i doing enough to stimulate him, does he watch too much TV, is he bored? Am i keeping him warm enough/cool enough, is he happy? Am i feeding him the right food? 

All in all this guilt i think is normal for any parent and i try not to let it ruin my day, but in the middle of the night, it eats away at me.

Sibling guilt. I dont want to try for another baby. I feel like, in the IVF world, im the only person who doesnt want another baby. Im too scared of another loss, Little T has escaped his Dad’s blood condition and my asthma, hes perfect, i like my life how it is. I dont think i could manage a newborn and a toddler. All legit reasons. But i feel guilty anyway. Like i should want another baby, that i should give Little T a sibling. I feel selfish and i hate that.

Infertility guilt. Christmas is tomorrow. For the first time in a decade, i dont feel an overwhelming sense of sadness, for the first time in a long time, we have a tree and decorations. I dont need to hide away, i dont feel angry at the world. I dont feel broken

But i do feel guilty. I feel guilty because i know so many other people who havent got their baby yet, i know this time of year is horrific for them. I feel guilty because i remember it all too well.

I feel guilty because it happened for me and not them

I know i went through the mill to get Little T, that i deserve to be happy, but once you suffer infertility, i think ot stays with you for life. I feel guilty for feeling jealous when someone announces a pregnancy. I dont even want another baby. But im still jealous. Infertilility is life long.

So, for those of you lucky enough to have all your dreams come true, enjoy tomorrow, cherish every moment. 

For those of you still waiting, do what you have to just to get through it. Hide, drink, rant, rave, avoid whatever hurts you. Dont worry about letting people down, theyll forgive you.

Merry Christmas

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Happy Half Birthday

Happy Half Birthday

6 months today!!! Flown by. Although in those first few weeks i didnt think we would make it.

Little T is an absolute delight these days. Except when he is teething and/or stays up late. Which is a lot at the moment. But its fine because mostly he is awesome 

I still worry EVERY morning that he has died in his sleep (he is in his own room). I wake up and lie there waiting for him to make a noise, im too scared to go in first in case i find him lifeless. I remind myself daily that he is fine but im not sure ill ever stop feeling this way.

During the day though, we are having the best fun together. We have 4 classes a week and my anxiety about attending new ones is virtually zero. 

Support network is set up, and brilliant. 

We start weaning at the weekend. We are going with baby led. Im nervous and i dont know why. Perhaps because i have had such a strange relationship with food. Perhaps because its a sign time is flying past. Whatever it is, im fully kitted out now, and the veg is bought so i just need to take the plunge.

Changing tac slightly…

I had my 1st really down day yesterday. Id forgotten how low i could feel. It was preceeded by an anxiety attack the night before. It was a shock. I felt tearful all day. Its passed now but it was a stark reminder of why i take my meds.

Im currently having a kid free shop, its weird and i miss him. But its been nice to eat a sandwich slowly and drink a warm cup of tea. Haha

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Anxiety is Motherhood

Anxiety is Motherhood

This weekend has been full of new experiences…

Little T got his 1st cold and a cough. (Think im now getting the cold too!!!)

Luckily my Mum was here to keep me calm and Calpol was administered, Little T was OK and nothing awful happened! We even managed a trip to the pub. 

#badmum haha

Today, as he is nearly 16 weeks, we put Little T down upstairs for the 1st time.

Id put the baby monitor stuff away believing there was no way i could let him sleep in a different room to us. But here he is in the crib in our room…

Thankfull for technology!

Im managing, just. Its hard, seeing him on a screen rather than peering into his moses basket but i think its for the best. We both have to get used to it. Ive managed not to put the sensor mat on too, but only because i can see him breathing on screen!! 

And he is fine. He went to sleep after half an hour and a few pop ins from Mr Me and I. He is non the wiser, away in dreamland! 

Big steps though. Im kinda super proud of myself! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

9-8, 5-8 (not a math problem)

9-8, 5-8 (not a math problem)

14 weeks! 

Little T burst his way into the world 14 weeks ago and forever changed our lives for the better! 

I really struggled with being a Mummy in the beginning. I found it hard to accept my new role, to accept the change in relationship between Mr Me and I. I was warned id be tired, but i didnt understand, i was warned it was hard, but i didnt understand.

Now i do. Im permantly tired, thats the new normal, so i can cope with it. Sleep deprivation is a thing of the past, because we are used to it. For example, i got 3ish hours last night whereas Little T got 11. Go figure. Think i was waiting for him to wake for a feed all night, not daring to believe he’d sleep through.

One off or is this the start of 11 hour nights? The latter would be amazing but i wont count on it, yet.

Since allowing myself to love him, im finding my new role as Mummy, so rewarding. I love watching him learn and grow, although it seems to be going so so fast. Everyday, his smile melts me, i cannot believe we made something so so beautiful and clever.

The last few years seem like a bad dream. Ill never forget Milo and Millie, how could i? They helped shape who i am, but our rainbow, Little T, glows through those dark clouds, and makes those times seem so distant, that the grief is manageable, the pain dulled somewhat.

So at 14 weeks, my little man can smile and grab, hes so close to rolling over but hates tummy time. He loves music, and the car, he has a favourite toy, and being the centre of attention is his forte. He is the most amazing waste of time, i can spend hours just watching him. I cant believe how lucky i am.

Im so happy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Its all starting to make sense

Its all starting to make sense

I went back to counselling this week. Mr Me made the referral when i was struggling. In the hour i was there, i managed to cover the time from his birth to my struggles to feeling better.

Over the course of this week ive realised my next session will be my last. I dont need that level of support anymore. I know how to manage my issues now. I can self analyse, know what will make me anxious and why and how to cope with that.

I know ill probably need to be medicated for depression for most of my life but im ok with that. Im ok to admit that i suffer with anxiety and depression, the same way i suffer with and am medicated for asthma. Its just part of my life. Im at peace with that.

Actually, im happy. Im happy i finally have my baby, happy that, despite all the crap, Mr Me and I made it. Happy im a mummy, a wife, a friend.

Worry, sleep deprivation and self doubt are creeping away. Little T is nearly 12 weeks old (oh my god i have a 3 month old) and hes thriving (now that hes being treated for reflux) 

Now i get more than 2 hours sleep a night, im more rational, more confident. In the last couple of weeks we have settled into a nice routine. 

Ive joined more classes, i spend more time just enjoying Little T and watching him learn and develop. I no longer constantly hold myself up to the impossible standard i set myself.

I now love being his mummy. Now that ive stopped worrying about losing myself, ive found my feet. Im still me, still put my make up on, do my nails when i can, go out with my friends, spend quality time with Mr Me. Im me AND a mummy. 

Now i know why we fought so hard for so long, now i know i was right to want this so much.

Ive stopped caring if i get all the washing done, stopped worrying about keeping on top of the housework. It gets done. Not today though. Today ive spent all day snuggling, because he needed me, and i needed him. There wont always be days where we can just snuggle so these days are special.

My family is special. And i love being a mummy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

When it happens…

When it happens…

This week has been a good one. I went to my 1st group (Hartbeeps, thanks for the recomendation). Little T was more interested in having a feed for most of it but i found it fun and interesting so will go back next week.

Little T had his 8 week jabs. And thats when it happened. I realised how much i love that little boy. Even before we got into the surgery i felt on the verge of tears, i was so upset that he was going to suffer. He on the other hand, was very brave. Im very proud but seeing the plasters on his chunky legs is heartbreaking

2 jabs in this leg
And 1 in this one

He does seem to enjoy the calpol afterwards though. And hes given me a fair few smiles since so i think im forgiven.

I told Mr Me that i realised i loved Little T and he laughed and told me he knew i did but also knew how scary that is. Its a sad affair when it takes your child being physically harmed for you to realise you love them but at least im there now and can start to enjoy being his Mum.

Also met up with the NCT ladies again this week. Such a lovely bunch with such lovely babies. So nice to get together to swap tips and war stories, have a natter with people that really get it. Im glad i have them in my life.

Ive also seen my work colleagues so ive been very social this week. Of course that means im fairly shattered now!!!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx