Tag: pregnancy complications

Broody, Jealous, Both or Neither

Broody, Jealous, Both or Neither

Do i want another baby?!

Maybe. Possibly. I don’t know!

I have times where I’d love another little person to love

And then i think about how hard it’d be, having two

Then i think, do it sooner rather than later, get the lack of sleep, the nappies, the weaning out the way ASAP

And then i think of how hard that’d be logistically.

Would i even get pregnant again? Would it be as terrifying as last time?

Would the baby be healthy?!!!

Can i put Mr Me and my family through that?

I’m jealous of a bump, i miss the feeling of a baby moving, i miss feeling special, i miss growing life.

I don’t miss not being able to turn over, or being so big i can barely move, or having swollen feet/ankles/hands

Logistically, how do you food shop with a newborn and toddler? How do you attend groups with a babe in arms and (hopefully) one on the move? (Little T is still pretty stationary for now, and toothless i might add)

How would we raise the capital for IVF and then pay for a baby on one wage?

Will Little T be lonely as an only child? Am i thinking about a second because it seems like that’s the socially acceptable thing to do?

When people go into labour, i envy them. Despite it being the most painful thing EVER and the recovery being horrendous, the memory is becoming a sweet one, i see now how women convince themselves it wasn’t as bad as they thought.

I like having spare bedrooms, and i worry the kids would fight endlessly and i wouldn’t cope.

But i think about having another daily. Sometimes i think it’d be great, other days i have a near on panic attack.

Is there a good age gap? Is going from 1 to 2 as hard as they say?

How do you KNOW you want another?

Heeellllppppp

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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Walking out of a scan and being OK, its still weird

Walking out of a scan and being OK, its still weird

Yesterday, we had our final fetal heart scan.

In the words of the fab consultant ‘its a boring, healthy heart’

Walking out of a scan and knowing things are going well, is still so weird!! 

Without realising it, you hold yourself tense, waiting for the bad news. Every muscle is tense, just waiting for them to say ‘im so sorry, but….’ 

The sense of relief when you DONT hear those words is indescribable. So much so, Mr Me shed a tear after the scan on Tuesday. He struggles more with scans than i do now, i have the advantage of feeling little man on a daily basis though.

So here we are, 1.5 weeks away from Viability, i still cant believe it really. People are asking me about Maternity Leave now, ive not even thought about it to be honest. Ive planned twice before and then never got to take it, so i just havent put any thought into it.

Soon ill be getting my MATB1 form though and then ill have to notify work of my leave date….eeep!! 

In the meantime i have more appointments to keep me busy, the mental health midwifery team and Rainbow Clinic are both scheduled for next week. I cant believe im most likely going to be meeting these people at 23 weeks pregnant!!! WTF?!! 

So, here we are at 22+3 with everything going as it should. Little man is very strong and wallops me like mad at times, he makes my tummy move and sometimes takes my breath away, and hes only going to get stronger.

I cant wait.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Not always the Most Wonderful Time of Year

Not always the Most Wonderful Time of Year

The last week or so has been a fairly calm one, for me anyway, im always a bit anxious. Having seen a healthy heart, i can now believe it when the midwife uses the Doppler at my weekly appointments. The midwife also keeps feeling my tummy with her VERY cold hands so i asked what she was doing. She is feeling my uterus and showed me where the top is, its a bit higher than it should be, so im measuring 20 weeks instead of 17 at the moment. Its hardly a big shock though, i know im huge!

Baby is also moving a fair bit now, however when i have quiet days, my anxiety spikes again. We have progressed from pops – basically started the same evening i paid for a reassurance scan – cheeky baby. We then went to flutters, which is mainly what im feeling now but i also get the occasional nudge too. Baby still has loads of room, so sometimes i get a lot and other days, barely anything. i think i felt baby roll over last night when i was in bed too.

Movement is my favourite thing about being pregnant, its such a magical feeling and really cements that there is actually a little person in there.

We are fast approaching the ‘scary week’. Week 21. I can feel myself getting quite anxious about it already but i try to think about other things when this happens. The pregnancy is now speeding up and i do wonder how much longer I’ve got. I cant think about the end or having a take home baby as that still seems crazy far away, but losing the baby is fairly prevalent in my mind.

Xmas is fast approaching, in fact, its 2 days away and my Facebook is filled with babies dressed in xmas outfits and a fair few birth announcements too (congratulations to you all by the way). Its still hard. Im still jealous.

Even though im pregnant, it still stings to see these happy families. I think even if Milo and Millie were with us, id still feel a pang of jealousy, but as it is, over the years, ive grown to hate Christmas. Its all about family and kids. I have so desperately wanted that for so many years that i find the whole season unbearable. (not to mention the commercialism or the fact that it starts in September now). Ive been pregnant for 3 of the last 4 Christmases, and as yet have nothing to show for it.

Im very lucky in that i have some very very sensitive friends, who think of people like me at this time of year and try not to go overboard with the baby stuff, but i feel bad for them, as the majority of these people struggled, why shouldn’t they show off their little miracles?  Those that haven’t struggled, well why would they think twice about posting about their kids at this very special time of year?

So we infertiles sit in the shadows, broody and sulking but outwardly trying to join in, trying to smile and laugh along with the rest of them whilst we fight our own private battle. As i type i have an xmas jumper and xmas socks and xmas nails, so i fit in and dont come across too Grinch link, but at my home, well you wouldn’t know its xmas.

We have no tree up, no decorations or twinkly fairy lights. the wrapped presents are stacked in a corner, out of sight. Everyone assures us that ‘next year will be different’ and i truly hope that they are right, i really do. If its not though, i wont be in the country next xmas, i will be on a beach somewhere, drinking a cocktail, trying to forget.

So to all of you still waiting on your miracle, i salute you, i know the next few days wont be easy.

To those of you that have your baby’s, enjoy every second with them, make the most of this special time of year, dress them up, make them laugh, spoil them. i know i will when its my turn.

Merry Xmas

Lots of Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

sad-xmas-tree

Scan 1 of 4, could’ve gone better

Scan 1 of 4, could’ve gone better

So, for me, today as always part 1 of 4 about finding out whether we were getting a take home baby this time. I wasn’t excited, i was apprehensive.

Scan department was running behind, so much so, i sent hubby off to another department as i was worried that we would miss our booking in appointment. Typical luck, minute he left, i was called in! They assured me they would send him in once he returned.

The sonographer was a nice lady, who explained what measurements she was going to be doing. Hubby arrived at that point. The scan set up has changed since my 12 week scan with Milo, theres an extra screen so me and hubby could watch, at least id see this one!

Scan started, baby was there with head down, bum up! Heart fluttering away, we even got a close up of a hand and fingers, then the measurements started.

Crown to rump was 1st (top of head to bum) and baby was wiggling its legs, turned over a few times, i think anyway, may have been the way the scan was being conducted. Then we looked at the nuchal fold – the area at the back of baby’s neck. This area is measured to give an indication of chromosomal abnormalities and is combined with bloods to give a risk factor. Hubby and i knew, it was too large. She took a number of measurements from lots of angles. But it was too thick.

Ideally they like to see 3.5mm or less, our baby had a 4.4mm measurement. Its quite obvious on the scan photo i think too

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After the scan we were taken to a quiet room, the same one we were in after our 20 week scan with Milo, whilst the sonographer looked for the screening midwife. We were there a while but eventually i was taken over to antenatal to do my booking appointment and meet with a doctor regarding today’s scan.

I was asked if i would be doing the invasive tests, i said, through tears i couldn’t hold back, that i didn’t know, the midwife said if i was going to then maybe we should delay the booking appointment. I wanted my notes, damn it, to make this real so i said id rather get on with it. She filled in all my blood work forms and sent me off to have vials and vials of blood drawn. I was to bring back the sample that would be tested for the downs syndrome screening so it could be fast tracked. Luckily i give blood easily and soon we moved onto our family history questionnaire. Takes a while this but is a good distraction.

I was weighed and measured, gave my urine sample in, and then we waited.

We met a new consultant who discussed today’s results. He said that purely based on the measurement, without bloods, he predicted the following;

1 in 5 chance of chromosomal issues
1 in 10 chance of a heart problem
If neither of the above then possible genetic disorder that wouldn’t be detected until after birth.
He did say overall baby has a 70% chance of being born healthy – something hubby and i are desperately clinging to right now.

We discussed invasive testing, CVS or amnio, my heart screams NO at this type of test as there is a small chance of miscarriage and we have tried too hard for too long for something we do to end this pregnancy. I said I’d think it over whilst we await the blood results, but i just don’t think i can do it.

We then discussed options if we don’t have a needle test, an in depth scan at 16 weeks, i mentioned we have a cardio echo booked anyway, the consultant asked what day it was on and immediately knew which doctor would be performing it. Gordon Something. He’s good apparently. So if we choose not to have the needle test, the whole of baby will be looked at, at 16 week scan instead of just the heart, to see if there are any obvious abnormalities.

We feel pretty bleak at the moment. Although i knew it was part 1 of 4, i was hoping we would sail through this scan.

I feel like someones telling me I’m not meant to have a baby of my own. All i wanted to do was a grow a perfect baby but right now, it doesn’t look like I’m going to.

I don’t think i can end another pregnancy, we don’t have all the facts yet so that decision is way off, although it has been mentioned.

I cant help but think ‘why us?’ Even without all the facts, its not going to be plain sailing.

Hubby and i have sunk into silence again, so very reminiscent of March 2014.

I just want a baby to bring home…

3 weeks, 1 day until the next scan. I should hear from the screening midwife later this week.

I just wanted a boring pregnancy. I will hold onto the idea that baby could be fine, just so i have a reason to keep going if nothing else.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx