Tag: pregnancy

Nearly there

Nearly there

Since January, I’ve been on a mission to lose weight. The BMI calculator told me i was obese so it had to be done. I set my target as the top end of healthy and I’m pleased to say I’ve reached it. And a bit more!!!

Just 12lbs to lose to my ideal weight, which is 1.5st heavier than i was when i got pregnant with Little T.

I’ve not been following a diet as such, just sticking to around 1200 calories a day and as we’ve had such good weather, I’ve been pushing the pram a lot!!! I’d like to hit my target by September, so I’m not rushing the loss or at risk of putting it back on.

We are still a no on doing IVF in September, i really am enjoying Little T too much, but I’m pretty certain i want another in a couple of years so will renew the embryo freezing.

I started smoking again. Ugh. It started with one or two a week when the idea i may have MS came up, but quickly progressed to 20+ a day again. On Tuesday i bought a vape, something i never thought I’d do, and it seems to be helping, i am on the highest nicotine dose, but plan to reduce each time i buy more liquid. Fingers crossed!

My MS appointment is tomorrow. I’m anxious the Dr will say its not MS and ill be back to square one, I’m also anxious about how any medication will interfere with any potential future pregnancies. Lots of worries and questions to ask.

Today was Fathers Day, we took Mr Me for an amazing steak lunch and Little T got him a T-shirt and card.

Little T continues to delight us. He crawls as fast as a bullet out of a gun, is extremely well behaved, has mastered the ‘downward dog’ pose and his laugh is infectious. He loves chasing the cat, and loves us chasing him.

I love watching him, i just sit with a grin on my face, watching him eat, play with his toys, play with others. I absolutely adore him. Plus, he’s gorgeous. I just can’t believe how lucky i am to be his Mummy.

He is super close to talking too. He can say ‘uh-oh’ and ‘daddy’ with prompts. He understands SO much. His sleeping pattern is erratic at the moment, which usually coincides with a new skill so I’m thinking more words are coming, as he doesn’t seem overly keen on standing/walking!!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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But, what if?

But, what if?

Awesome bank holiday.

Down to Bristol to see the fam. Little T was a dream. Drinks were flowing, laughs a plenty were had by all.

But, i was late. A fair few days late. I mentioned this to Mr Me on Sunday, i couldnt possibly be pregnant, could I? 

Theres a 0.1% chance we could conceive on our own, and i thought we had avoided my fertile window. But we were worried.

In the last week we had come to a decision. We dont want another baby. We dont want to go through the anxiety of another rainbow pregnancy, we dont want to go through the IVF stress of will it/wont it in order to achieve a pregnancy. We dont want to risk another loss. Little T has seemingly not got Mr Me’s blood conditions or my asthma, would the next baby be as lucky? 

Our lives are pretty awesome just now. Little T is a great baby, sleeping through the majority of nights, happy and content. 

On a more selfish note, i cant face the 1st 8 weeks again, im enjoying being able to have a glass of wine, drink coffee, eating patΓ© and soft cheese. I like being able to afford nice holidays and having a spare room. We work well as a 3, Mr Me and I have found our rhythm again. All in all life is pretty perfect.

Was that all about to change?

2 under 1? Really? What would we do? Financially it wouldnt really be viable. Id be permanently exhausted. A tandem pram costs a grand. How would i cope heavily pregnant with a 10/11 month old? 2 in nappies?!! The exhaustion of pregnancy, on top of parenting exhaustion? We were terrified.

The T word (termination) came up. It would be an option. But could i really go through with it after all we had been through? I didnt think so. 

Only one thing to do, test and find out.

Cue a family trip to the Trafford Centre and Boots. A latte later, and there i am peeing on a stick in a Costa coffee toilet. Classy but I had to know whether i could have a glass of wine at lunch!! 

Never ever have i hoped for a negative test. Those 3 minutes were agonising. 

1 line!! Whoop! Mr Me’s sperm hadnt made a miracalous recovery! Pass the wine!! In fact pass me 2. (It was nice wine)

So, what this taught me was: A, i really am not ready for another baby, and B, i need to get back on the pill ASAP but it looks like ive not ovulated so it may be a very long cycle!!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Scan, baby shower and sleep!Β 

Scan, baby shower and sleep!Β 

Well its been quite a week. Im fact the next few weeks will be hugely busy, more so if we get to move house!!! 

We had our first NCT class on Wednesday. It was actually really informative and nice to do something ‘normal’. For us, planning a labour is weird! Im used to turning up, going through it blind and going home empty handed, so to actually learn about the different stages of labour, what Mr Me can do to be a part of it etc. is fascinating.

The 1st session was getting to know each other and what we want out of the course really but we did learn about the different hormones involved, how its best to be in a darkened room and not be on my back for delivery. I now have something to actually put in my birth plan!!! 

Thursday was hospital day…another growth scan. Had a good chat with my midwife prior, how ive been feeling mentally and physically. I have been more anxious but it appears to be normal First Time Mum (FTM) worries, woohoo! I did forget to mention my heart palpatations and suspected Carpel Tunnel Syndrome though so must remember at my next appointment.

The scan went well, the little dude is head down, measuring well and is now estimated to weigh 4lb 3oz. Thats a 1lb 2oz growth in 3 weeks!!! 🀀🀀

During the scan i was asked how i would feel about being induced at 38 weeks, i said thatd be fine, awesome in fact, so im booked to go in at 38 weeks exactly…6 weeks from now! 

On Friday i was meant to see Russell Howard live but sadly i had to leave work early as i felt really poorly. No energy, sleepy, achey, just off. I came home and ended up sleeping a lot. We had booked Russell Howard as a consolation prize last year in case we werent pregnant. I was gutted for Mr Me as it was a gift for him but he reminded me of the above and said he didnt mind. I really couldnt have made it. 

After a good sleep, i did feel a bit better for Saturday. I was up early to have my hair done whilst the house was prepped for my very own baby shower.

I honestly didnt think id ever get to have my own shower. My Mum and Mr Me did a wonderful job decorating

And J did some amazing cupcakes 

I was and am so very grateful for all the effort that was put in. 

LOADS of people turned up, it was fantastic, people id not seen in a long time. And the gifts, wow.

An example of the effort put in to the gifts

I truly was humbled by the effort people had gone to. There is so much love toward the little dude, Mr Me and I, it was spectacular. 

My mum carefully packed my beautiful gifts away for me so they dont get damaged during the housemove.

Speaking of, im really really hoping we get a date for the move this week. 6 weeks to the birth really isnt a long time and i want my house in order before he arrives. We will start applying pressure to our buyer this week, hes had more time than us and is weeks behind.

By the end of the shower i was pretty shattered, but had time for a quick pic

Mr Me and I with S, Mr Me’s cousin.

S is a fairly big You Tube star and has included our baby shower in her family’s latest vlog

Give it a view, they are such a lovely family!! 

I woke up this morning absolutely worn out again. I think its my anaemia combined with being 32 weeks pregnant. But oh my its wiping me out.

Only 6 more shifts before i finish for mat leave, my body needs the rest i can tell you. Today, little dude has discovered a new trick. Kicking the hell out of some nerve on my right side. Its stop me in my tracks agony. Dont get me wrong, its great to know hes OK in there, but OUCH!!! Another new development this week…CANKLES

So, 6 weeks to go, lots to do but more to be grateful for

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Splash – Update

Splash – Update

For those of you who sent your kind wishes and thoughts for Splash, thank you. The positivity worked!!! 

The x-ray showed an enlarged heart and it seems that is what caused him to be so poorly yesterday.

The vet said he has improved following an anti inflamatory medication and antibiotics. He will be on 2 pills a day for the rest of his life now to inprove blood flow.

We are collecting him later!! I think his brother, Smudge, is really missing him and will be so pleased to see him again. He was looking for him at breakfast and keeps calling for him!

This is Smudge

Splash needs an ultrasound which cant be done at our vet so we will arrange for it to be done wherever it can be done.
Im so so happy he can come home!!! πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†

As for me, well im SO SO sore following my slip down the stairs. So sore i didnt make it to work today.

At 2ish i managed a bath, my 1st one in about a year. Little Dude seemed to enjoy the warm water. Im not sure it did me much good but it was fun to watch my tummy moving all over the place.

Ive had to give in and ive taken 1 paracetamol with codine and im thinking of taking another soon. I dont take painkillers as a rule so its something i find difficult to do whilst pregnant, but im in pain from my neck down at the moment.

Ive also made lots of lists for the house move, things i need to do and want to buy. Thats rather exciting. 

I need to get on with getting bits for the baby showers, decorations and food etc. because theres only a month to go now!!!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

21+1 Massive Milestone

21+1 Massive Milestone

At 21 weeks and 1 day, i lost my last baby.

Im VERY PLEASED to announce that no such thing has happened this time around. 

Baby is happy as can be in my uterus with no signs of arriving early!!!! To my mind, this means im free of the infection that got to Millie, and thats a huge relief! 

WOOHOO!! 

I woke up early to the baby kicking away like mad, i had been dreaming about punching someone, which i think is because i was being punched!! 

Today i had 3 appointments at the hospital.

A check in with my midwife, a cervical scan and counselling.

Was lovely to see V and talk through my anxieties, we thought my blood pressure would be up, but its fine. Go me!

Cervical scan was good too. Last check was 3.8cm and today it was 3.2cm.

Now a 6mm drop to me seems a bit drastic in 2 weeks, but im assured its totally normal. Seeing them again in a few weeks, not sure exactly when yet as itll depend on other appointments.

Counselling was great too, especially as i hadnt any for 4 weeks. We talked through what had been going on and how im feeling. 

My anxiety is around a 4 or 5, which isnt bad as my normal is a 3. 

Quietly im quite confident we might actually get through this week and dare i say pregnancy but im too afraid to ‘let go’ in case i jinx it.

I do think i will be able to enjoy this pregnancy once i pass my 24 week milestone, something i was worried about, but i do think ill be able to get excited.

So another day down and IM STILL PREGNANT!!!!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Not always the Most Wonderful Time of Year

Not always the Most Wonderful Time of Year

The last week or so has been a fairly calm one, for me anyway, im always a bit anxious. Having seen a healthy heart, i can now believe it when the midwife uses the Doppler at my weekly appointments. The midwife also keeps feeling my tummy with her VERY cold hands so i asked what she was doing. She is feeling my uterus and showed me where the top is, its a bit higher than it should be, so im measuring 20 weeks instead of 17 at the moment. Its hardly a big shock though, i know im huge!

Baby is also moving a fair bit now, however when i have quiet days, my anxiety spikes again. We have progressed from pops – basically started the same evening i paid for a reassurance scan – cheeky baby. We then went to flutters, which is mainly what im feeling now but i also get the occasional nudge too. Baby still has loads of room, so sometimes i get a lot and other days, barely anything. i think i felt baby roll over last night when i was in bed too.

Movement is my favourite thing about being pregnant, its such a magical feeling and really cements that there is actually a little person in there.

We are fast approaching the ‘scary week’. Week 21. I can feel myself getting quite anxious about it already but i try to think about other things when this happens. The pregnancy is now speeding up and i do wonder how much longer I’ve got. I cant think about the end or having a take home baby as that still seems crazy far away, but losing the baby is fairly prevalent in my mind.

Xmas is fast approaching, in fact, its 2 days away and my Facebook is filled with babies dressed in xmas outfits and a fair few birth announcements too (congratulations to you all by the way). Its still hard. Im still jealous.

Even though im pregnant, it still stings to see these happy families. I think even if Milo and Millie were with us, id still feel a pang of jealousy, but as it is, over the years, ive grown to hate Christmas. Its all about family and kids. I have so desperately wanted that for so many years that i find the whole season unbearable. (not to mention the commercialism or the fact that it starts in September now). Ive been pregnant for 3 of the last 4 Christmases, and as yet have nothing to show for it.

Im very lucky in that i have some very very sensitive friends, who think of people like me at this time of year and try not to go overboard with the baby stuff, but i feel bad for them, as the majority of these people struggled, why shouldn’t they show off their little miracles?  Those that haven’t struggled, well why would they think twice about posting about their kids at this very special time of year?

So we infertiles sit in the shadows, broody and sulking but outwardly trying to join in, trying to smile and laugh along with the rest of them whilst we fight our own private battle. As i type i have an xmas jumper and xmas socks and xmas nails, so i fit in and dont come across too Grinch link, but at my home, well you wouldn’t know its xmas.

We have no tree up, no decorations or twinkly fairy lights. the wrapped presents are stacked in a corner, out of sight. Everyone assures us that ‘next year will be different’ and i truly hope that they are right, i really do. If its not though, i wont be in the country next xmas, i will be on a beach somewhere, drinking a cocktail, trying to forget.

So to all of you still waiting on your miracle, i salute you, i know the next few days wont be easy.

To those of you that have your baby’s, enjoy every second with them, make the most of this special time of year, dress them up, make them laugh, spoil them. i know i will when its my turn.

Merry Xmas

Lots of Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

sad-xmas-tree

This is going to be a tricky pregnancy…

This is going to be a tricky pregnancy…

Ive spent this afternoon in the early pregnancy unit, again.

After never going, i’ve now been twice in just over 2 weeks. I feel like i may be there often.

I went to the loo at work and there i was just bleeding profusely. No cramps but lots of blood.

Dashed out the office without really letting people know why, they thought i had an early finish! Sorry everyone!! 

Got to EPU and they told me it could be a 4hr wait so i settled in. I was assessed within 30 minutes and instantly put on the list for a scan. 

Within 50 minutes i had an internal scan and told the sonographer (who diagnosed Milo) i was prepared for bad news.

She had a look and turned the screen to show me a baby with a heartbeat, my response? ‘fuck off’. I seriously thought i had miscarried. Had told Mr Me to prepare himself and then theres a blob with a heartbeat…

Shocked isnt the word. Im flabbergasted. There was SO MUCH blood. Wherever its coming from isnt affecting baby though, its nice and high in my uterus, measuring a day ahead and has a Crown to Rump length of 22mm. 

They advised me to rest, i.e. bed rest. Even said i should get a bell to save my voice πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Clinic (Team Miracle) have told me to come off aspirin, increase the progesterone pessaries to 4 times a day, and keep my legs up.

They also told me to use a proluton (ass jab) if i had one, which i do. They really bloody hurt. But, if it keeps baby in place and stops the bleeding, itll be worth it.

I notice a pattern here….Milo, all good until 20 weeks, Millie ok until 12 weeks, Storm Trooper, naughty from 6 weeks on.

Its going to be a LONG 31 weeks if this continues.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx 

Baby Loss Awareness Week

Baby Loss Awareness Week

Today marks the start of baby loss awareness week. Its a time bereaved parents and their friends and family can remember the children/grandchildren/niece/nephew/cousin they have lost.

It culminates on Saturday 15th October with a ‘Wave of Light’ at 7pm. All around the world, candles are lit in rememberance of the lives that have been lost in utero or in early life. This creates a ‘wave’ around the world.

I, of course, will be taking part and lighting 2 candles, 1 for Milo and 1 for Millie. I invite all of you do the same, after all 1 in 4 of us experience baby loss, so if you havent, its likely you know someone who has. Light a candle for you, for them, for all the angel parents around the world.

Its been a while since ive talked about Milo and Millie but the truth is you never forget, you never heal, you just learn to live with the pain and emptiness losing a child leaves behind.

Since getting pregnant, they are in the forefront of my mind most days. I hope with all that i have that i dont lose the life currently growing inside me. That i dont have to experience the seemingly never-ending expanse of grief that occurs after losing a baby, ever again. The reality is though, it could happen again, anytime and its just something i have to live with.

Being numb alieviates this fear a little, but if i scratch the surface of that numbness, im overwhelmed with crushing terror. That’s what babyloss leaves you with, fear. It outweighs everything else.

This week ill be posting lots of information regarding the babyloss awareness campaign. For more information please visit the baby loss awareness website

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Final Cycle – Days 27 & 28

Final Cycle – Days 27 & 28

9dp5dt and 10dp5dt

Im still stunned about my BFP on Saturday night. Im soooo happy but i dont think its really sunk in yet. I have moments where i feel quite pregnant but mostly i feel totally normal. By the end of the day though im fairly bloated so look quite pregnant! 

Example below….

Thats me in Monica’s apartment at #friendsfest yesterday. Best day ever!! Its been my favourite TV show for as long as i can remember and to be able to be on set etc. was just magical. 

As i was in the apartment i though id recreate the moment Pheebs finds out she was having her brother’s triplets

Me recreating Pheebs getting pregnant!

Mr Me is being very protective of me. He’s seperated all the washing for me so im not bending as much, bless him. Monday is washing day and theres a lot of it for some reason and i cant leave it so we compromised! 

Other than being fairly hungry, im feeling tickety boo! 

Im going to do another test tomorrow like i was meant to, oops, and bloods are on Wednesday.

Ive made an enquiry about a 6 week scan to check how many implanted and im just waiting to hear back to book it.

Today im 4 weeks and 1 day pregnant. How weird is that?? 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

An Open Letter….

An Open Letter….

Dear Take Home Baby Gods,

7 years ago, we decided to try for a baby.

6 years ago we were referred for fertility testing

5 years ago we found out we needed IVF

4.5 years ago i invented you.

i know you are not real, you are a figment of my imagination, but when im desperate, when i need someone to talk to/vent at/be cross with, there is no one in real life i can blame, so you came into existence.

I used to ask you to let the IVF work, all i wanted was a BFP. how naive i was eh? i thought a BFP meant a baby, but you proved me wrong.

My 4th IVF cycle saw me get pregnant for the first time, i was overjoyed, we had cracked it. Or so i thought. in a cruel twist of fate, at 20 weeks Milo was diagnosed with HLHS and we opted to end that pregnancy. it was the right thing to do.

My 6th IVF cycle saw my second BFP and despite a few hiccups, Millie was healthy. but 9 days after finding that out, you took her away. Why? was it punishment for Milo? is is punishment for a past life? is it a test? are you trying to tell me something?

If so, could you be a bit more clear about it please?

we had a year off, my head was battered, my heart broken, i was a shell of the woman i remember myself to be. it did me good, i got my strength back and i didnt think about you at all.

In May we got back on the train, yet again you are not happy with me, first throwing a freeze all in my way and then a BFN on the resulting FET. Now im planning cycle 9.

What do i need to do to please you? What do i need to do for a take home baby – ill do anything, i just need to know what.

Im so sick of being the strong one, the positive one, the patient one. its got to be my turn now? i try to get on with life, in between cycles, you know? but i know you are always watching me, deciding if ill ever get my take home baby. I can feel you there as all i think about is the upcoming cycle, and what to try this time.

if you let me get pregnant, i promise not to buy a thing until im near term – will that please you?

ill give more to charity, ill help more in the community, i WILL adopt as a thank you for letting me have my own biological child. i just wish you were real and i could offer you something so you look favourably on me. but of course, you are in my imagination. there isn’t anything or anyone that can assure me a healthy baby, or even a pregnancy at this stage. but wouldn’t it be wonderful if you were real, and i and all the other infertile/bereaved parents, could know what you wanted to ensure the next pregnancy is a safe one.

So basically, Take Home Baby Gods, this is my prayer to you. im out of money, im out of holiday and im out of steam. ive got enough left for one more shot at this. no one will love a baby more than we will, no one will ever be as grateful as we are, no one baby will have as many aunties and uncles from around the world. Please, please please, just let it be us. please?

thinking of you

Little Miss PMA xxx