Tag: rainbow baby after TFMR

Things that make me go, WOW

Things that make me go, WOW

Ive sounded very doom and gloom since Little T was born. Honestly i am enjoying motherhood, its just very different to what i expected and has literally changed everything. People tell you it changes everything but you dont really understand until it happens!!

But its all worth it…

When he fixes on me with his massive eyes, im transfixed, i cant look away, i can see him studying my face, know he knows that hes safe and wanted with me. My Mum says it his ‘look of love’

When he grabs my finger, my top, my skin, even with his razor sharp nails. Its like he holds onto me for security. I make him feel safe. So does a muslin mind you, but you know. I like to see him grab anything, i have a proud parent moment

When he burps/farts/poos im reassured that his little body is working properly and i marvel at the fact that Mr Me and I (and Team Miracle) made this perfect little human

When he smiles, i melt. I know its only wind at this point but hes got an amazing smile.

When he pouts, i melt. I dunno who taught him to pout but its perfect!!

When he makes random happy sounds, its like hes telling me something, like how the side of his pram really is super interesting. Without fail ill make up a conversation between him and i and often outloud, much to the amusement of onlookers

When i look at his face and see my mouth and eyes, his Daddys hands and forehead and chin, it reminds me of how much Mr Me and I love each other and how hard we worked to make this amazing little human

When people stop me and tell me what a gorgeous boy he is and how much they like his name, im so proud that hes mine.

Its all worth it. All of it.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

He’s still here!

He’s still here!

He hasnt been taken off us, nothing bad has happened. Little T is still here. And it still hasnt sunk in!!

My breastfeeding guilt is fading fast now as my supply has gone. Its reassuring to know that when im in my lavender bath soothing my sore bits, and he stirs, Mr Me can take over.

There is more control with a bottle too, i know exactly how much he is taking which plays into my control freak personality perfectly.

Apparantly he is still a bit Jaundice meaning he has been referred to the prolonged jaundice clinic tomorrow. Mr Me and I then had a #badparentmoment where we questioned what we did wrong. 2 hours later the midwife came round and said the health visotor who referred him was being overly cautious. To me he looks whiter than ever and his eyes are less yellow today than yesterday too. Ill keep him in daylight as much as possible today but with plenty of wet and dirty nappies going on im really hoping we get discharged at his appointment tomorrow.

Im not the parent i thought id be. I thought id freak out the minute he squeaked but i dont, im calm even when hes really shouting and ive impressed myself. 

My fear of SIDS is lessening. It never actually crippled me as much as i thought it would. The sensor pad is a massive reassurance and as im awake 22 hours of the day anyway….

I jest, im getting better with sleeping. I can crash in the afternoon when hes asleep in his moses basket sometimes and Mr Me and I are taking the nights in shifts so we both get a few hours of good sleep each.

The sleep deprivation is getting easier to manage now too. My pain is subsiding which is allowing me to relax more, and i can drive again!!!!! This really helps with my anxiety as i love to drive and it gives me a huge sense of control. Im a terrible passenger and i think Mr Me is secretly glad i can drive myself about again too.

We, as a 3, have been fairly busy. Little T had 3 photoshoots last week (meant to be 2 but was wide awake for one of them so had to go back) and weve also been out to the pub twice and to the Trafford Centre. Going to the TC was a massive thing for me. For years ive watched new Mums push their babies around in gleaming prams and wondered if itd ever be me. And then it was and it made me so proud.

I am very proud and very protective of Little T. I think hes amazing and i stare at him for hours without realising. When he fixes on me with his big eyes and i talk to him, its wonderful. But still no rush of love so to speak. Ive no doubt itll come though, the instincts are there, i just need to get over my fear that something will take him away from us. It is lessening day by day i think but after 8 years there is a lot to wade through before reaching the other side.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Induction Update #3

Induction Update #3

So, still here. For about 4hrs after the pessary im in constant pain with irregular contractions, this then tapers off into nothing no matter how much i pace and squat.

After 6hrs on the move ive given in and had a lie down. This has led to the pain easing but possibly more regular contractions. I now get a break between pains which is nice.

Next check in an hour and im hoping my cervix has shortened and dilated even 0.5cm!!! 

Wish me luck

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Induction Update #2

Induction Update #2

Just on the CTG. Baby is fine and i appear to be contracting irregularly, feels bloody regular mind even if not picked up on CTG. I do like being able to hear his heartbeat and movements though! 

Still a bit of length to cervix which was harder to find due to babys head being lower. So another pessary just to shorten my cervix and Im still as dilated as before! Annoying! 

Looks like waters will be broken tomorrow now so settling in for the night.

DVDs to keep me distracted i think is the order of play. 

Ive had some paracetamol which didnt really help! 

The TENS machine feels like loads of tiny elves punching my back which is distracting if nothing else.  

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx 

3 years…

3 years…

Today marks 3 years since we lost Milo. After a 36 hour labour he was born sleeping on this day in 2014.

Im ok. Im aware of what today is. Ive been aware since 1st March. I hate March. 

Im more anxious i think, im constantly willing the little dude to move today. Ive planned distractions but i cant deny my anxiety is up to a 7 roughly.

Time is a great healer. I wont deny. The gaping hole he left is now much more manageable. I still miss him. Still wonder about him. 

But im a pragmatist. I try so hard to think about the future and focus on what is good. Things are really good, 29 weeks pregnant, and buying a beautiful house.

Life isnt fair, what we have been through has been horrific but it was crumble or survive, and human nature pushes for survival.

Ive already been out and about today and seen a lovely rainbow despite it not raining. Im trying to find reassurance in that rainbow, but im worrying overly about the little dude.

So….29 weeks!!! Oh my word. Im shocked im still pregnant. The 3rd trimester is just so alien to me. As im currently ahead of the game in regards to the house move, and baby showers, i do focus more on the pregnancy which is anxiety inducing. 

Im looking forward to the end of March as i start antenatal classes, my baby showers are in early April, we will hopefully move mid/late April, all of which will stop mind assuming the worst all the time.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

I nearly gave up…

I nearly gave up…

When we started this journey nearly 8 years ago, we never imagined it would be so long, so hard or so heartbreaking. 

I remember for the 1st 6 months or so it was fun and just meant having more sex. Then it became all about timing and not so fun anymore. Even through the investigations i never really thought there would be an issue with either of us.

Clomid would be the answer. Its a horrid medication that made me feel so hormonal and under the weather but it would work. After 6 months, with no monitoring, it was IVF time. I now know it was prescribed just to allow us to jump a hurdle and get on the IVF pathway.

IVF is a game changer. It affecrs every part of your life. It takes over. You dont stop trying naturally despite knowing there is a 0.01% chance itll happen for you. So the mechanical sex on top of the stress of waiting for the ivf appointments, whilst also trying every fad diet and old wives tale is really fun. Not. Then you deal with the people who say ‘relax, itll happen’ or ‘its just not your time yet’ and have to be polite and smile rather than bitch slapping them, because we do live in a civilised society after all and it wouldnt be proper.

When you finally get going, 6 months after the original appointment where you found out you both have fertility issues, despite being told everything was ok during the investigations, you, as the woman, are pumped full of hormones, whilst your partner can only watch on in disbelief as you get angry in a second or complain how swollen you are inside.

After egg collection youre told your number, the number of eggs they artificially pulled out of you and you live or die by this number. Only then to realise you are fairly unwell, cant stand or walk and throwing up everywhere. Youve developed OHSS, a life threatening illness only IVF ladies can get. What a club to be in. But you battle through it, not wanting to admit to how poorly you are lest it delay the cycle because in just over 2 weeks you will be pregnant.

The daily updates see those precious numbers dwindle, 23 collected, 13 fertilised, what happened to the other 10 bastard eggs i pumped myself full of drugs for? Eh?? But youre assured its ok and normal. By day 5 after collection there are 3 left in the running. 3. 20 have failed. Meaning we have failed. 1 is put back despute the environment (my uterus) not being ideal and you are sent away to manage for 17 days with no contact.

You analyse everything, every sneeze, every hiccup, noticing you tan faster than normal. This has to be it. I will be pregnant. Until you bleed bang on the day you were due on. 5 pissing days before test day. It failed. I failed. My body failed.

Luckily the other 2 embryos were frozen so you have 2 more chances. But the wait for treatment is horrendous. Youre told 3 months but its actually 6 before they can fit you in. This time you have to down regulate your body, put it through the menopause. 5 long weeks of injections, tablets, headaches, mood swings, and hot sweats. Only to be told your uterine lining is too thin and they are cancelling the cycle. I failed. Again. I cried for 8 hours that day.

6 months later and you do it all again. Same result. But no tears this time. Failure is becoming the norm now. Instead you are just angry at the whole proccess, at yourself. At the world.

You watch your friends have their babies, it breaks your heart everytime but you are over joyed for them and devestated its not you. You still hope at this point though.

The powers that be discuss your case, amongst themselves, not with you. They decide to try a non medicated cycle. You agree to anything. 17 days of early morning blood tests and finally ovulation is detected. But your lining is only 5mm. They want to cancel. You beg your nurse to put your case forward to the powers that be in the afternoon briefing, explaining youd rather have a chance than nothing at all. That your mental health is suffering and its either transfer MY embryo or a stint in the Priory.

They agree but warn you repeatdly you are wasting a chance. But it works. Then there is The Story of Milo (see 3rd ever blog) 

After a loss like that, all you want is to be pregnant again. Your body aches for what has been snatched from it. We tried naturally again whilst we waited for our turn to try with our last frozen embryo. Youre meant to be your most fertile after a loss. But youre not that lucky. Of course youre not.

6 months and we try again. Same as before. It worked before it can work again. But it doesnt. And you are left with nothing but a wait to confirm when you can start the whole damn proccess again.

But i cant wait. I need to be pregnant now. You investigate clinics abroad. Something you never dreamt of doing or needing to do. And you find that one clinic that feels right. You just know its the clinic for you. Personal loans, flights, accomodation, drugs all sorted in 6 weeks or less. Its so different and daunting but this is your chance. You get there and within minutes know you made the right decision. It doesnt matter that you cant eat or drink as your body is having some sort of weird reaction to something (turns out boling the water doesnt kill the bugs but you wont figure that out for a long time yet) you know this is the clinic that will get you pregnant.

They do too. And its wonderful. And despite many hiccups, the baby is healthy and for 9 days you feel nothing but bliss. This is our time. This is our baby. But out of nowhere, the baby is gone. Eerily timed so that you lose that baby 54 weeks after losing the 1st baby, at the same number of weeks gestation. 

And it breaks you. Mentally its too much. You try to get on, try to be normal, try to be ok. But youre not. Not at all. You know you cant face trying again anytime soon and you think by having that year out, by going to creamfields, to disneyland paris and to Australia, you are healing, body and mind. Until your mind craps out on you the week before Australia and you have another breakdown. Except you dont know you are having it until its pointed out by a colleague. How embarrassing.

Being on the other side of the world with your bestie and hubby does the trick. You reconnect with your hubby and realise you are not alone. That anxiety monster just told you you were. You drink everyday with your bestie who oozes positivity, and it rubs off. You can do this. You are ready to try again. 

So you fly out to that fab clinic that gave you that healthy baby knowing this is it. Until your hormones dont play ball and you cant transfer. You mope for 2 days. Not anticipating a freeze all cycle but you bounce back, have a holiday and feel pretty smug you have 7 to feeeze. But you need to keep going. You are back in the ivf mindset after 14 months off and you struggled through stimulation this time. So much so you dont ever want to stim again. 

So you fly out again the folliwing month, leaving hubby at home and taking Mum instead. Another villa, another hire car, another week out of work. The meds make you poorly but you carry on. You keep up the PMA. They transfer 4 of the 7 and you fly home the next day. Already pretty sure it hasnt worked. You just dont have ‘the feeling’ but you try to get through the 2 week wait with positivity until you test the day before bloods and see the whitest of white test staring back at you.

And you give up. Its all over. You had your 2 chances and it didnt work out. Youve used up all your luck. You wont be a mummy to your biological children. The hope after 8 cycles over 4 years has run out. If the amazing clinic you put all your faith in cant do it, no one can.

But they, the clinic, offer you a life line and youd be stupid not take it. It means stimming again which you REALLY dont want to do. So you decide if youre going to do it, youre throwing everything at it. You borrow money from parents to pay for this last shot, to ‘kitchen sink’ it. You dont believe itll work. Youre doing it to say you tried everything, so you walk away knowing you gave it your best shot. Time has taught you that life isnt fair and now you are ready to accept that. You do it for hubby, you do it for the potential grandparents but deep down you know its game over.

So you fly out for the 3rd time in 4 months. You know this town you stay in like the back of your hand now, sat nav no longer required. And you go to the appointments and be your cheery self and you meet the other patients and tell them it will work and that they have chosen the best clinic ever. Because they have, they dont need to know that i have used up all my luck, that my body has failed me, that ill never be a Mummy.

And you go through the motions and you have the transfer, even realising its been your best cycle yet and the numbers didnt dwindle too much and that you made 6 healthy embryos, 4 of which are inside you making you a bit crampy. But you dare not dream.

And you come home and you have ‘the feeling’ but the doubts creep in and you are so so scared to get your hopes up. But eventually you crack. You test earlier than ever before, and there they are, 2 pink lines. It actually bloody worked. It was worth the £20k you spent over those 4 months just to see those 2 pink lines.

Then you realise you have to actually get past 21 weeks gestation this time and that doesnt seem possible. You spend the 1st 12 weeks numb, especially when you start bleeding in week 10, but at your 12 week scan you fall in love with that baby on the screen. You continue to bleed and be in and out of EPU almost weekly so you spend the next couple of weeks petrified youll lose that baby you now love.

And then the bleeding stops suddenly, but you cant relax as youre now counting down to that fateful 21st week. You increase your counselling sessions to deal with the anxiety but you dare not hope for the best. And you have your anomaly scan and baby is perfect, like the last one. So you still dont hope. And then its week 21 and you are strangely calm. Something feels different this time. You cant explain it but you make it to week 22. And then week 24, youve a viable baby on board for the 1st time ever. And you are elated but cautious. Then you hit 26 weeks, 27, its a miracle.

Today im 28 weeks. Thats the 3rd trimester. 12 weeks until term. Hes a real chance of surving now. And im over the moon and cant quite believe we made it.

And i nearly gave up, i nearly didnt have the cycle that created this precious life inside of me. I was so hurt, so broken, i didnt think it’d happen for me.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Hormones….!!! 

Hormones….!!! 

Next week ill be in the 3rd trimester….where did that come from??? 91 days until the end of the pregnancy….how did that happen? !!

All seems to be well with the little dude, he appears to have gone back to being transverse after being breach. Hes kicking up a storm, lots of tummy moving kicks!! 

He seems to know the new house is for him as he kicks lots when we talk about it, he doesnt like me wearing anything too tight now so im having to overhaul my wardrobe somewhat.

I honestly thought maternity items lasted until term but ive put on so much weight, i need bigger sized tops and bottoms, Dresses are ok as they stretch but im not really a dress kinda gal so im having to get used to wearing them. Im also wearing trainers with everything…luckily i have a very colourful collection of trainers 🙈 

Sleeping is getting more difficult as my hips get so sore and nothing seems to help. I quite often wake 4 or 5 times a night. Im dreaming a lot more again, and they can be weird so that then wakes me in the early hours. Then i panic if hes not moving so im wide awake!!! And on we go.

Today im hormonal as balls. We were meant to see the new house to take new pictures, but there must have been a mix up, no estate agent and no current owners!! I was really looking forward to it so it put a dampner on my day, one im struggling to shake.

We had lunch at what will be our local and then popped to Mothercare to look at cribs. I found out my baby monitor of choice, wont work with a moses basket (the sensor pad wont work) so i need a hard based crib. Ive found one that i like though so thats good.

Ive come home and got into bed, im writing the rest of the day off. Ive put together a wishlist on mothercare so i know what i need in future.

Ive also realised i really really dont need anymore clothes up to 1 month/10lbs as i have loads!! 

What i do need to do is stop buying baby bits until we move/after the baby showers. If i leave it too long i get antsy and think im not being organised enough, but i really do have time still. And i need to save money!!! I will need to pay off the travel system soon but again not until the end of March.

Tomorrow we are sorting out a survey on the new house. The mortgage valuation has been done, and i think we passed, its hard to say from the way its written but i think we are good to go on the mortgage front.

Still, the baby is fine and thats what matters. Im glad we have a scan at 28 weeks though as im starting to get a bit anxious as ive not seen him since 23 weeks!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Mental Health and Rainbows

Mental Health and Rainbows

Phew, its Friday!! Im not sleeping too well at the moment. Partly because i cant get comfy and partly because ive a lot on my mind. Nothing horrific, just lots going on.

This week was a 3 hospital visit week. Counselling went well, im doing good, but need to get my head round the fact im probably actually going to have a baby and i need to start thinking about things like maternity leave and antenatal classes and you know, HAVING A BABY!! 

I also met with the mental health midwifery team. They were lovely, ive actually been signed off from them as im managing so well. Go me. We had a good chat and the biggest thing i came away with is that i dont need to reduce/stop taking my antidepressants. The Doctor said that whilst im feeling good and positive, why mess with that? I can breastfeed on the meds im on and the risks to baby in utero are tiny tiny so better to keep Mummy happy and healthy.

The last appointment of the week was with Rainbow Clinic yesterday. It was my 1st appointment with them and they were lovely. I had a couple of students in as well as Mr Me, Mum, my midwife and the Dr but it was all good.

Baby is measuring pretty much bang on average, hes in the 42nd percentile just now and his weight is estimated to be 1lb 5ozs. He definitley has his Daddys nose too! 

Theres a very slight issue with the blood flow to my uterus on the right, the artery is still slightly twisted instead of a funnel so the blood is having to work harder. Its not affecting baby in anyway and should be resolved by 28 weeks when im next scanned.

To say im pleased is an understatement. I love being average and normal and essentially boring, its what you hope for in a Rainbow Pregnancy.

To celebrate i ordered a moses basket and baby chair. Mum bought a mobile and toy. These are to be collected on Sunday as its V day. V being Viability, not Valentines! 

Im now also the proud owner of a MATB1 form, something ive never had before. I plan to give it to work hopefully next week but im still unsure on dates for maternity/annual leave use, plus im not actually 24 weeks yet so dont want to tempt fate. I feel like a proper pregnant person who may actually have a baby with that form in my folder! 

In other news, just to keep things simple, we have put the house on the market. Why not, eh? We’ve not been happy here for a long while and it seems that interest is picking up in our area so we could sell for a decent price/profit.

The photographer comes Monday and there are 5 viewings booked for Tuesday so its all go.

Im currently trawling the house websites picking out favourites, which we then visit before viewing to see if we like the area. Its quite a good little system we have going actually as we are eliminating houses quite quickly from the ever growing list of ‘possibles’. Its very exciting.

I got to meet my friends baby, A, this week, shes adorable. She even threw up on me! Im taking it as a compliment! It was good to talk to A’s Mummy too as shes got some great advice to give and ive missed her a lot. 

Its been a good week!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

23 weeks!!!!

23 weeks!!!!

1 week to go until viability!!! I remember it feeling a lifetime away and now its next week….its unreal. 

Mainly been a quiet week of stronger kicks and punches and a growing bump.

However, on Thursday i started with bad backache and by the time i left work it was so reminisent of Millie’s labour that i took myself off to the hospital.

Blood pressure fine, heartbeat strong and clear and no contractions. Protein and leukocytes in my urine revealed a water infection though so not a total waste of their time. I felt silly but given my history of early labour, i was given antibiotics there and then.

I explained to the Midwives and Doctor that it was most likely nothing and i was just panicking due to my history. Every single one of them told me it was fine, and that they are there for reassurance, and never to feel silly about going in. 

Im very lucky to have a very active little boy inside me but he does seem to have quieter days on a Friday. By the evening hes bouncing about all over the place but during the day hes sleepy. Must be prepping for a wild weekend 😂🙈

Hes very strong now so my tummy moves a bit and i can feel him on the outside. He stops whenever Daddy tries to feel still!!! 

So, last night, i tricked him. We were in bed and little dude was kicking up a storm. So i whispered to Mr Me to slip his hand onto my tummy in place of mine, and he carried on having his little party, none the wiser. Poor Mr Me couldnt talk throughout or little dude would stop but he got a good 4 big kicks which is the most he’s felt ever!! 

I felt a little low yesterday, no particular reason, although the barrage of payday deal emails when we hadnt actually been paid yet were fairly annoying! So i decided we were to go out.

We had lunch, bought me some maternity tops and looked at baby stuff without an anxiety attack happening! I was disappointed by the lack of moses baskets available in shops. I did have a little play with my pram in the shop and then realised ive no idea how to operate it so will need to ask for another demo!! 

After i relayed this to my Mum, she started looking online and before you know it Ive got 4 items saved in a basket on the Asda Baby Event!! Saved, not bought. Soon to be bought. My brother can get further discount too so once thats set up im sure the basket will be empty and the goods on their way to me.

Bestie L is VERY excited shes allowed to shop as of next week. I feel she may go a little wild, by that i mean, very. Theres no stopping her though, she, like us has waited a long time for this!! 

So this week i have 2 appointments. One with the mental health midwifery team. In that appointment we shall discuss how im coping i imagine and id like to discuss reducing my anti depressant dosage too, but in a controlled way. I do plan to come totally off them in the third trimester.

The 2nd appointment is my 1st with the Rainbow Clinic so will involve a scan. My midwife will be about too. I think they look at placenta health and baby growth. Id love them to estimate his weight, i dont know why but im curious! 

Happy weekend! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Walking out of a scan and being OK, its still weird

Walking out of a scan and being OK, its still weird

Yesterday, we had our final fetal heart scan.

In the words of the fab consultant ‘its a boring, healthy heart’

Walking out of a scan and knowing things are going well, is still so weird!! 

Without realising it, you hold yourself tense, waiting for the bad news. Every muscle is tense, just waiting for them to say ‘im so sorry, but….’ 

The sense of relief when you DONT hear those words is indescribable. So much so, Mr Me shed a tear after the scan on Tuesday. He struggles more with scans than i do now, i have the advantage of feeling little man on a daily basis though.

So here we are, 1.5 weeks away from Viability, i still cant believe it really. People are asking me about Maternity Leave now, ive not even thought about it to be honest. Ive planned twice before and then never got to take it, so i just havent put any thought into it.

Soon ill be getting my MATB1 form though and then ill have to notify work of my leave date….eeep!! 

In the meantime i have more appointments to keep me busy, the mental health midwifery team and Rainbow Clinic are both scheduled for next week. I cant believe im most likely going to be meeting these people at 23 weeks pregnant!!! WTF?!! 

So, here we are at 22+3 with everything going as it should. Little man is very strong and wallops me like mad at times, he makes my tummy move and sometimes takes my breath away, and hes only going to get stronger.

I cant wait.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx