Tag: Rainbow baby

Never knew how much id hate the sun when i had a kid

Never knew how much id hate the sun when i had a kid

The weather is fabulous, hot hot hot. Normally id be loving it being a bit of a sun worshipper but with a new born its hell!!! 
I cannot keep the poor kid cool. He wont sleep upstairs as its beyond hot.

The gro egg of doom taunts me with its red glow and sad face on a nightly basis at the moment

Dont get me wrong its a brilliant bit of kit but at 3am when the boy wont settle, i can feel it judging me!!! 

To move on from the weather thiugh….

Yesterday was Fathers Day and Mr Me got to celebrate AT LAST.

Little T got him an engraved box with lots of pictures round the side, and a card of course.

Mr Me fancied lunch out so off we went to the Trafford Centre as we were able to control Little Ts temperature somewhat there. Whilst waiting for a lift, a lady asked me if i was behind Confessions of Little Miss PMA!!!! She told me she had been reading for years and recognised us from pictures. Id been spotted. Im famous! I was so taken aback but so so grateful to her. You dont know it but you made our day, so, thank you!! 

We had a lovely lunch and i got my pushing present…

I still cant get my wedding and engagement rings on so this is a place holder until i can. I love it!!! 

Emotionally ive been feeling much more positive. Until this morning when i was knackered due to having 2hrs sleep and Little T just whinging for nearly 2 hours. I couldve broken down next to him. I had no patience so i walked away, made him a bottle, and he eventually fell asleep. I got an hr and a half too which made all the difference. When i woke up i was refreshed and able to deal with grumpy Little T. Its amazing how much brighter things seem when youve got 3.5hrs sleep in your pocket. Even if it is broken. Happy Days.

We have been to baby clinic today, Little T is now 8lb 15oz and finally able to start using the sleeping bags we bought as he kicks off blankets. Of course its now too bloody hot to use such a thing but itll be great when it cools down. Poor lad is currently just sleeping in a vest at night. During the day hes in a nappy under a muslin. Usually hates being naked but thats how hot it is.

The poor fur babies are beyond themselves too.

Splash is camped out by an additonal water bowl and i found Smudge in the bath yesterday!! Id hate to have a fur coat on in this heat!!! 

I definitely feel more confident at this parenting thing, we are getting out almost everyday, it no longer takes an hour just to leave the house. I can read Little Ts cues more easily, hes gaining weight and most importantly ive kept him alive for 5 weeks!!!!

Im still overwhelmed by it all sometimes. Its not how i imagined but i am being rewarded. We think he is close to smiling which will be amazeballs. Its much harder than i imagined. I didnt expect my relationship with Mr Me to change as much as it has either.

We will be going on date night this week just to talk and reconnect. We miss each other for sure and Mr Me did confess he was struggling which actually made me feel oodles better as i thought it was just me. Itll be nice to have one on one time for a few hours to remember we are not just parents. Plus im looking forward to a few cocktails 🍾🥂🍹🍸

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Things that make me go, WOW

Things that make me go, WOW

Ive sounded very doom and gloom since Little T was born. Honestly i am enjoying motherhood, its just very different to what i expected and has literally changed everything. People tell you it changes everything but you dont really understand until it happens!!

But its all worth it…

When he fixes on me with his massive eyes, im transfixed, i cant look away, i can see him studying my face, know he knows that hes safe and wanted with me. My Mum says it his ‘look of love’

When he grabs my finger, my top, my skin, even with his razor sharp nails. Its like he holds onto me for security. I make him feel safe. So does a muslin mind you, but you know. I like to see him grab anything, i have a proud parent moment

When he burps/farts/poos im reassured that his little body is working properly and i marvel at the fact that Mr Me and I (and Team Miracle) made this perfect little human

When he smiles, i melt. I know its only wind at this point but hes got an amazing smile.

When he pouts, i melt. I dunno who taught him to pout but its perfect!!

When he makes random happy sounds, its like hes telling me something, like how the side of his pram really is super interesting. Without fail ill make up a conversation between him and i and often outloud, much to the amusement of onlookers

When i look at his face and see my mouth and eyes, his Daddys hands and forehead and chin, it reminds me of how much Mr Me and I love each other and how hard we worked to make this amazing little human

When people stop me and tell me what a gorgeous boy he is and how much they like his name, im so proud that hes mine.

Its all worth it. All of it.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

#mummyfails 

#mummyfails 

Little T is officially a person!! We registered him on Thursday. It was a fairly momentous day. I never thought id have a legal tiny human with a birth certificate and everything. An actual real birth certificate. A legally recognised child. Wow.

Proud Mummy Moment

The same day that it was made legal, the day i officially became a Mummy, was also the same day as my 1st #mummyfail

After registering him, we had lunch, including little T, we then laid flowers at the Manchester memorial. Very sobering at the best of times but with a newborn it was something else. I had goosebumps. The whole city is grieving as one. The pain was palpable but so was the sense of community and determination that we will not be beaten

St Ann’s Square, Manchester

As we made our way back to the car, Little T was getting hungry, and i hadnt packed another bottle!!!!!! We had to go straight to the Prolonged Jaundice Clinic so the poor guy screamed for about an hour. I have never felt so awful. What a shit parent. Ive learnt from it and ill never leave the house with 1 bottle again but my word! It was just the worst feeling.

Not only that but i cut his little finger when clipping his nails the other day!!! The boy has really sharp nails and scratches himself, and me, a lot but from now on ill only be filing them down.

The smallest of things can really knock you. Being referred to the Jaundice Clinic made me feel i wasnt capable of looking after him properly. Even though he is still Jaundice, the Nurse Practitinor was happy that it would resolve on its own, still though, i couldnt get it cleared in the 2 weeks specified so #mummyfail

I couldnt breastfeed #mummyfail

I cut his finger #mummyfail

I didnt pack enough food #mummyfail

Not only am i making rookie mistakes but im also missing being pregnant which i feel guilty about. I waited so long to be a Mummy and now i am, i miss being pregnant.

However, the NCT girls who have also given birth, miss their bumps too, so im not alone or weird.

Even though it was tough at the end and my anxiety was up throughout, i miss feeling him move, i miss the way i looked, i miss the feeling that i was doing something amazing. Now im just flabby, with no clothes that fit!!!! But my belly button bar did go back in with ease the other day which pleased me no end!! 

Despite all my #mummyfails, yesterday Little T and i flew solo as Mr Me went back to work. We survived. And with smiles on our faces. We didnt get out but i did organise a drawer

I applied for child benefit and kept the boy alive so im classing it as a #mummywin 

That face!!!

I missed Mr Me terribly but i was proud that we got on well without him. I managed a shower, getting dressed and made up, lunch, sterilising and making up bottles. Ok so everything took an hour and a half longer than normal (when Mr Me is around and since Little T’s birth) but it got done and that is a #mummywin

The feelings are coming. I stare at him and marvel that i made him, i study every part of his face, admire every expression and movement. I would do anything to protect him. I miss him when he sleeps.

Its not the ‘rush’ i expected, was told about, instead its a slow creep of emotion that in time will consume my very being. Its not what i was expecting but its more than i ever dreamed it would be.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

He’s still here!

He’s still here!

He hasnt been taken off us, nothing bad has happened. Little T is still here. And it still hasnt sunk in!!

My breastfeeding guilt is fading fast now as my supply has gone. Its reassuring to know that when im in my lavender bath soothing my sore bits, and he stirs, Mr Me can take over.

There is more control with a bottle too, i know exactly how much he is taking which plays into my control freak personality perfectly.

Apparantly he is still a bit Jaundice meaning he has been referred to the prolonged jaundice clinic tomorrow. Mr Me and I then had a #badparentmoment where we questioned what we did wrong. 2 hours later the midwife came round and said the health visotor who referred him was being overly cautious. To me he looks whiter than ever and his eyes are less yellow today than yesterday too. Ill keep him in daylight as much as possible today but with plenty of wet and dirty nappies going on im really hoping we get discharged at his appointment tomorrow.

Im not the parent i thought id be. I thought id freak out the minute he squeaked but i dont, im calm even when hes really shouting and ive impressed myself. 

My fear of SIDS is lessening. It never actually crippled me as much as i thought it would. The sensor pad is a massive reassurance and as im awake 22 hours of the day anyway….

I jest, im getting better with sleeping. I can crash in the afternoon when hes asleep in his moses basket sometimes and Mr Me and I are taking the nights in shifts so we both get a few hours of good sleep each.

The sleep deprivation is getting easier to manage now too. My pain is subsiding which is allowing me to relax more, and i can drive again!!!!! This really helps with my anxiety as i love to drive and it gives me a huge sense of control. Im a terrible passenger and i think Mr Me is secretly glad i can drive myself about again too.

We, as a 3, have been fairly busy. Little T had 3 photoshoots last week (meant to be 2 but was wide awake for one of them so had to go back) and weve also been out to the pub twice and to the Trafford Centre. Going to the TC was a massive thing for me. For years ive watched new Mums push their babies around in gleaming prams and wondered if itd ever be me. And then it was and it made me so proud.

I am very proud and very protective of Little T. I think hes amazing and i stare at him for hours without realising. When he fixes on me with his big eyes and i talk to him, its wonderful. But still no rush of love so to speak. Ive no doubt itll come though, the instincts are there, i just need to get over my fear that something will take him away from us. It is lessening day by day i think but after 8 years there is a lot to wade through before reaching the other side.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Birth Story! 

Birth Story! 

In true me style, its a little dramatic. So much so, Mr Me is helping me write this as ive forgotten a lot as i was in ‘the zone’.
We arrived at the delivery ward at about 12.15pm on Monday 15th May 2017. They were expecting us which was fantastic given the hiccups over the weekend 

We were shown to our room and met B, our 1st midwife. B talked to us about the process. Monitor baby, break waters, put me on the drip, wait for labour.

I had cannulas inserted for the hormone drip and so blood could be taken. B got flustered, bless her, so another midwife did my 1st cannula.

Bloods taken, it was time for ARM. Artificial removal of membranes. Using a hook. Its a good long hook but not very sharp. It took 2 hooks to get the waters to fully burst. I stood up to get gravity to help…they ran down my leg through 2 pads. I ended up in a puddle.

I was hooked up to the hormone drip to start contractions. Cramps seemed to start quite quickly. All the while im on the CTG to monitor baby. It showed i was having contractions before any drugs were introduced.

It became apparant i had to go to the loo so unhooked from CTG but hormone drip still attached i relieved myself. Better now than later.

The contractions ramped up at this point. Gas and air was in use. I leaned on the bed and over the bean bag. It felt like i couldnt cope, i thought i was soft. B kept telling me it was happening fast but i assumed my pain threshold had dropped. I was overwhelmed.

At 3, D came in, my 2nd midwife, i could barely talk to her at this point but i noted her pink hair and knew we’d get on. She introduced herself, i asked for drugs.

30 minutes later the anaesthetist arrived and took her sweet time setting up meds and pumps. I was litterally on the floor over a beanbag at this point and had to get to the bed for the patient administration device to be attached to my other hand. Its hard moving CTG wires and drips whilst also contracting for Britain. We moved on the count of 3.

Stuff gets blurry now. Mr Me says once hooked up to the good stuff i told the room at large i loved whoever gave me the good drugs.

I was examined and told i was 6cm. I asked ‘is that all?!’ I was told id gone from 3cm to 6cm in less than hour with no increase in meds and thats why i was overwhelmed.

Mr Me says i was sweating like a good un at this point, contracting really hard. 30 minutes later he noticed the remyfentynill cannula had come out and i was bleeding everywhere.

Gas and Air before each contraction as i no longer had access to the good stuff. Another long wait for the anaesthetist despite the emergency alarm being pulled. 10 people turned up including the anaesthetist but they all promptly left again, including the anaesthetist. Mr Me really wanted to kick off on my behalf as only he and my midwives understood i was in agony.

I briefly opened my eyes but really was concentrating on the pain. I remember being asked for my hand and D telling me she had put loads of plasters on as i was sweating so so much.

Examined again at 3.30pm to be told im fully dilated. 3hrs 45minutes after hormone drip administered. Instead of baby being born by midnight, it was going to be MUCH sooner.

15.33 i started pushing. And pushing. And pushing.

I have never sweat so much in my life. I had bought a cooling spray and it was the best thing ever, Mr Me held my gas and air, sprayed me, and gave me water in between coaching. I think id have passed out without the spray and water.

There was a catheter inserted at some point as they thought pushing wasnt working due to full bladder. Didnt feel or register that!!! 

Suddenly baby wasnt coping. Surgeons came in. I was going to theatre. Forceps or C Section were on the cards. Risks were being reeled off. I was asked to sign consents. I had no idea what i was signing. I knew i was exhausted and sensed something was wrong. All i could hear/concentrate on was the rain.

D explained what was going on so i stopped taking the meds. I begged her to get me there as i couldnt do any more. My body kept pushing.

I couldnt stop it so i pushed with no pain relief. I was sober. D was in scrubs, when and why that had happened im not sure. She reminded me about theatre. I begged again.

She told me that we werent going after all. I just pushed and she had seen baby. But i couldnt get him out. They had to cut me. I saw the scalpel but didnt register it. I was doing it drug free. And it fucking hurt. 3 pushes after the cut and they pulled him out. 18.01.

Just over 4 hours. 2.5 of those pushing… the Dr who stitched me, that bloody hurt too despite many locals, said i was a hero. 

Toby was taken away after he was briefly put on my chest. He was in shock (he was??) and quiet. Mr Me could see him but i couldnt. I asked 40 times if he was ok, was alive. Finally they gave him back. Not once did he cry.

An hour to stitch me up. 

No one tells you it feels like your ass has been blown out after birth. My vagina may not have been involved given the sensation i felt upon standing. Its weird. Really weird. I pee’d and had a shower whist Mr Me dressed Tobias. 

I thought birth hurt until labour was over. I was wrong. I still cant move properly. Think John Wayne x 1 million.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

PS it took nearly 2 hours to name this one!!!! 

Going home outfit

Induction Update #4

Induction Update #4

Im still bloody pregnant.

At 2.30am i was contracting away so had some paracetamol and codeine whilst a doctor looked over my notes to see if i was allowed more Prostin (the induction med). He agreed i could have another dose but as i was painfully contracting, the midwives decided to hold back.

At 4am, with the aid of gas and air, i had an internal. Babys head is low down meaning cervix has been pushed back. It took 2 midwives to determine i was 2-3cm dilated and still had 0.5cm in length.

At 5am the contractions stopped. Dead. Not even a twinge. Was told i was ready for them to artificially rupture membranes (break my waters) at 5.30am but that we were waiting on a bed in delivery.

Im still waiting. And im bored.

Managed 2hrs broken sleep to be woken up to the woman next door giving birth. In the induction ward. Not even the right fecking place.

Spent well over an hour on the monitor this morning as baby was super active so took ages to get his base line heart rate settled.

Was told i was being moved to a bay of 4, freaked out but got dressed (into new PJs that were meant for post partum) did my make up and packed, to be then told i was staying put.

Went for a decaf Costa and a walk. Came back to my room so Mr Me could massage my sore back, had another hours sleep and still no progress with labour or a bed.

Im seriously wondering if ill ever meet this baby.

He might be here by JUNE!!!!!! 

Gah! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Induction Update #3

Induction Update #3

So, still here. For about 4hrs after the pessary im in constant pain with irregular contractions, this then tapers off into nothing no matter how much i pace and squat.

After 6hrs on the move ive given in and had a lie down. This has led to the pain easing but possibly more regular contractions. I now get a break between pains which is nice.

Next check in an hour and im hoping my cervix has shortened and dilated even 0.5cm!!! 

Wish me luck

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Induction Update #2

Induction Update #2

Just on the CTG. Baby is fine and i appear to be contracting irregularly, feels bloody regular mind even if not picked up on CTG. I do like being able to hear his heartbeat and movements though! 

Still a bit of length to cervix which was harder to find due to babys head being lower. So another pessary just to shorten my cervix and Im still as dilated as before! Annoying! 

Looks like waters will be broken tomorrow now so settling in for the night.

DVDs to keep me distracted i think is the order of play. 

Ive had some paracetamol which didnt really help! 

The TENS machine feels like loads of tiny elves punching my back which is distracting if nothing else.  

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx 

A subdued Mothers Day.

A subdued Mothers Day.

Happy Mothers Day to all the Mummies, Mummies to be and Angel Mummies out there 💐🌹🥀🌺🌻🌼

Today also happens to be Millie’s 2nd anniversary which did put a dampner on the day.

Ill be honest. I dont see myself as a Mummy yet. Ive given birth but havent had anyone to Mother yet so i find today a bit weird. Mr Me let slip yesterday that he had bought me a gift from bump…

I explained that i wasnt comfortable with celebrating Mothers Day without a child to actually parent. Im also slightly worried about jinxing our current pregnancy. Which is silly i know, but im still waiting for things to go wrong. Even this close to the end.

I visited my Mum today though and we stayed at her house, chatting and looking at baby clothes online. I seem to freak out less looking online, not that i bought anything though. 🙈

Ive finally resolved to start using my hospital due date which is a day ahead of my IVF due date. This means that today im 33weeks and 1day or 33+1. The little dude could be here in the next 7 weeks. OMG. 🤤😲

Excuse the roll of chub on my back…im 3lbs off a 4 stone weight gain now so definitley a chub chubster.

This week marks the start of a very busy period! I have my first NCT (antenatal) class on Wednesday, another growth scan on Thursday, im seeing Russell Howard on Friday and its my first Baby Shower on Saturday.

The house buying is coming along. The searches on the new house threw up a few queries so we are looking to get those answered. Our buyer has finally had his valuation done so should be able to progress with more speed. Hopefully, we are still on track to move mid-late April. I seriously hope its not pushed back as that would result in me being dangerously close to giving birth and not having everything i want in place!!!! 

Fingers crossed.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

28+4 Growth Scan

28+4 Growth Scan

Today we saw the little dude today for the 1st time in forever, well, 5 weeks!! 

I had my pre term clinic cervical scan 1st, its 3cm and closed so ive been signed off from that clinic now!! Woohoo. No more dates with the dildocam!! 

Then we moved onto the growth scan. He has a huge head (to me, for pushing out. HC is 285mm!!), big tummy and average thigh bone length. 

His estimated weight as of today is 3lbs 1oz. He’s huge!!! 

This is him with his face turned to the camera and arms up by his chin

My amniotic fluid levels are normal, my placenta still posterior and high with normal structure and blood flow to baby and placenta are excellent.

Essentially im text book. WOW!!! 

He has gone from the 46th centile to the 67th centile but all tracking well so no concerns! 

I had routine bloods done, my blood pressure and urine are fine. All in all im physically fine. Next scan is in 3 weeks.

After the exams i had a chat with V. I had 2 worries today.

1 – not being on a ward after the birth. I really think my anxiety will spike if im surrounded by other Mums and Babies. I dont sleep well at the best of times and being on a ward means i wouldnt sleep at all. I really want to establish breastfeeding if i can before leaving and i think id be too flustered in a ward. I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it.

V said that when we do my birth plan she will pop all the above down and recommend a private room if there is one available. I totally understand that other Mummies may need it more than me though so its not a gurantee, but she said the ward will try really hard. So thats 1 anxiety down

2 – i dont want to go over 40 weeks. We know exactly when i concieved and placentas arent made to last forever and i worry about it failing after 40 weeks.

V said that ill most likely be induced at 38 weeks as that really is term and research shows its a good time for baby to be born. This will be brought forward if there are concerns, but it was music to my ears. We will firm up at date nearer the time but looks like the little dude will be here within the next 10 weeks. Eeeeep. Its actually more like 9 weeks on saturday….

SINGLE FIGURES!!!! 

So that was my morning! Exciting, nerve wracking, scary but good scary,  stuff.

Mr Me has now emailed our solicitor to see if we can speed up the house move too as we are currently set to move late April with baby now due mid May.

Its all go go go

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx