Tag: rainbow

Induction Update #4

Induction Update #4

Im still bloody pregnant.

At 2.30am i was contracting away so had some paracetamol and codeine whilst a doctor looked over my notes to see if i was allowed more Prostin (the induction med). He agreed i could have another dose but as i was painfully contracting, the midwives decided to hold back.

At 4am, with the aid of gas and air, i had an internal. Babys head is low down meaning cervix has been pushed back. It took 2 midwives to determine i was 2-3cm dilated and still had 0.5cm in length.

At 5am the contractions stopped. Dead. Not even a twinge. Was told i was ready for them to artificially rupture membranes (break my waters) at 5.30am but that we were waiting on a bed in delivery.

Im still waiting. And im bored.

Managed 2hrs broken sleep to be woken up to the woman next door giving birth. In the induction ward. Not even the right fecking place.

Spent well over an hour on the monitor this morning as baby was super active so took ages to get his base line heart rate settled.

Was told i was being moved to a bay of 4, freaked out but got dressed (into new PJs that were meant for post partum) did my make up and packed, to be then told i was staying put.

Went for a decaf Costa and a walk. Came back to my room so Mr Me could massage my sore back, had another hours sleep and still no progress with labour or a bed.

Im seriously wondering if ill ever meet this baby.

He might be here by JUNE!!!!!! 

Gah! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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Induction Update #2

Induction Update #2

Just on the CTG. Baby is fine and i appear to be contracting irregularly, feels bloody regular mind even if not picked up on CTG. I do like being able to hear his heartbeat and movements though! 

Still a bit of length to cervix which was harder to find due to babys head being lower. So another pessary just to shorten my cervix and Im still as dilated as before! Annoying! 

Looks like waters will be broken tomorrow now so settling in for the night.

DVDs to keep me distracted i think is the order of play. 

Ive had some paracetamol which didnt really help! 

The TENS machine feels like loads of tiny elves punching my back which is distracting if nothing else.  

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx 

Mental Health and Rainbows

Mental Health and Rainbows

Phew, its Friday!! Im not sleeping too well at the moment. Partly because i cant get comfy and partly because ive a lot on my mind. Nothing horrific, just lots going on.

This week was a 3 hospital visit week. Counselling went well, im doing good, but need to get my head round the fact im probably actually going to have a baby and i need to start thinking about things like maternity leave and antenatal classes and you know, HAVING A BABY!! 

I also met with the mental health midwifery team. They were lovely, ive actually been signed off from them as im managing so well. Go me. We had a good chat and the biggest thing i came away with is that i dont need to reduce/stop taking my antidepressants. The Doctor said that whilst im feeling good and positive, why mess with that? I can breastfeed on the meds im on and the risks to baby in utero are tiny tiny so better to keep Mummy happy and healthy.

The last appointment of the week was with Rainbow Clinic yesterday. It was my 1st appointment with them and they were lovely. I had a couple of students in as well as Mr Me, Mum, my midwife and the Dr but it was all good.

Baby is measuring pretty much bang on average, hes in the 42nd percentile just now and his weight is estimated to be 1lb 5ozs. He definitley has his Daddys nose too! 

Theres a very slight issue with the blood flow to my uterus on the right, the artery is still slightly twisted instead of a funnel so the blood is having to work harder. Its not affecting baby in anyway and should be resolved by 28 weeks when im next scanned.

To say im pleased is an understatement. I love being average and normal and essentially boring, its what you hope for in a Rainbow Pregnancy.

To celebrate i ordered a moses basket and baby chair. Mum bought a mobile and toy. These are to be collected on Sunday as its V day. V being Viability, not Valentines! 

Im now also the proud owner of a MATB1 form, something ive never had before. I plan to give it to work hopefully next week but im still unsure on dates for maternity/annual leave use, plus im not actually 24 weeks yet so dont want to tempt fate. I feel like a proper pregnant person who may actually have a baby with that form in my folder! 

In other news, just to keep things simple, we have put the house on the market. Why not, eh? We’ve not been happy here for a long while and it seems that interest is picking up in our area so we could sell for a decent price/profit.

The photographer comes Monday and there are 5 viewings booked for Tuesday so its all go.

Im currently trawling the house websites picking out favourites, which we then visit before viewing to see if we like the area. Its quite a good little system we have going actually as we are eliminating houses quite quickly from the ever growing list of ‘possibles’. Its very exciting.

I got to meet my friends baby, A, this week, shes adorable. She even threw up on me! Im taking it as a compliment! It was good to talk to A’s Mummy too as shes got some great advice to give and ive missed her a lot. 

Its been a good week!! 

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Emotional Shut Down

Emotional Shut Down

Well im 5 weeks today. 

Since the initial burst of relief and excitement last Saturday when i did my early test, ive essentially shut down emotionally.

Its weird but im struggling to come to terms with the fact im pregnant. I mean im acting pregnant, i.e. doing all the right things, watching what i eat, keeping my fluids up but i just havent accepted im pregnant.

Im not happy or excited but equally im not worried or scared, which i guess is a blessing in disguise.

One one of the groups i admin there was talk of Feotal Reduction and someone likened it to Abortion. That struck a chord, my heart was racing. I still hate that word, it gets to me.

This morning i was quite sad when i got up but id had a bad night with horrid vivid dreams, one of my only symptoms so far, so that combined with the A word last night probably accounts for my mood.

I have asked other TFMR/baby loss mummys if they felt this ‘numbness’ when getting pregnant again, and it does seem a fair few do and they believe its a way to protect themselves from further pain. It does make sense. 

Its hard though as everyone around me is sooooo excited for us and im just not feeling it. I smile and nod along, its the polite thing to do but im just not feeling it.

At this point i wouldnt say im finding things hard, its just very different to what i expected.

This weekend has been very relaxed, as per Doctor’s orders. I had my flu jab on Saturday, followed by a nap and a lazy afternoon and then dinner at an Italian.

Today i had my eyebrows threaded, followed by a decaff coffee (which tasted odd) and another lazy afternoon and tonight we are going out for chinese.

The progesterone bloat at the end of the day is pretty horrendous and my stomach is black and blue from the clexane, but all in all everything else is fine. Its a bit early for any other symptoms.

Progesterone bloat and Clexane brusies

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

a letter no mother should have to write

Dearest, sweetest Milo

I can’t believe its been a year little man. A whole year since we met you and said goodbye all at once. We miss you everyday. 

You were the most perfect little person i have seen. Perfect and tiny. I wonder what colour your eyes would have been, what your cry would’ve sounded like, what would’ve made you smile the first time, how you would’ve smelt. 

In the early days, i didn’t know how to live without you, didnt see the point of carrying on. We waited so long, and tried so hard. I was so angry with the world, how could this be fair?

I hope you understand why we let you go, i hope you know how much we love you. I hope you know we will never forget you. 

I think of you everyday. The pain has not subsided, but i also feel so much love and such pride. Im so proud of you Milo, so proud of how beautiful you were, how hard you fought to hold on. I smile so hard when i talk about you, I’m  overwhelmed with love when i look at pictures of you.

You have turned me into a new person. You changed me for the better. Thank you for that, thank you for the 20 weeks and 4 days of nervous bliss, thank you for the hours we got to touch you.

Youll always be my first born, my first son, my forever baby, my angel. 

Now i have your brother or sister in my tummy. They will never replace you, never, but i will love them so much, give them everything i wanted to give you. I can never replace you, nor am i trying to. Thank you for sending me my rainbow. They are a little handful, let me tell you, not like you! I wonder if they will look like you? 

Your ashes have been with us for a year now, but its time to let you go, to let you float up into the heavens, to play with the other angels. 

We have made up your baby record book with your scan pictures, my bump pictures and your pictures. I will treasure it until the day i die, i will look at it often, and i will smile. 

Happy birthday Milo. We will love you forever, we will miss you for always.

Love Mummy amd Daddy

Xxx

Keeping busy….

Keeping busy….

So our first cardio echo is tomorrow. I’m honestly a bit numb about it…think it’s a coping mechanism. I am looking forward to seeing baby on the screen, I’ve only ever seen my babies alive on screen so far.

I’m so hoping for a good result tomorrow, i plan to ask the consultant if he thinks its safe for me to buy anything after the scan, as I’m at the Baby Show 10 days before my anomaly scan and 2nd cardio echo and i bet there are some fab deals to be had, but am i tempting fate? Certainly feels that way. My original plan was to hold off until 24 weeks, but the Yorkshire in me can’t resist a bargain. And i would like to feel excited about this baby, rather than a nervous wreck.

We bought a nappy disposal system at the weekend, both hubby and i felt very weird about this but it was better than half price. We are hoping anything under £30 will go unnoticed by the take home baby gods.

We have seen a pram we like too, but i can’t even entertain the idea of buying it yet as taking back the travel system we bought for Milo must’ve been so so hard for hubby….no way i could face it.

I’ve been to see the community midwife today…all is well with me, blood pressure a little low – normal for me – and despite feeling like a 🐳 I’m apparently ‘nice and slim’. We heard baby on the doppler, easy as pie, must’ve been sleeping. Im to go back at 21 weeks….please please let me still be pregnant then!!!!!!!!

On to happier thoughts….valentines day! How was yours? I was truly spoiled this year….

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Cupcakes for the woman who never feels full, woop!

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This picture was taken in September 2006 the night we got engaged….in Egypt. The lyrics are from ‘Afire Love’ by Ed Sheeran…its one of the ones that makes me blub, and cry i did, loads.

And finally

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They smell amazing!

I’m one lucky lady and so thankful I have hubby in my life, he’s an absolute diamond, my rock, my best friend and I’d be lost without him.

We also exchanged cards, and basically said the same thing to each other, how no matter how rough it gets, we manage it because we have each other….so glad we both have that security.

Well that’s me for now, i will post again once we have had the scan and Nifty results.

I’m now off to do a spot of dusting and will wash my hair, anything to keep busy today and hopefully wear myself out so i do get some sleep!!!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Turkey, tinsel and a tinge of sadness

Turkey, tinsel and a tinge of sadness

The christmas period has been and gone and I’m left reflecting over it all.

When last i left you, i was visiting the GP because of my weird ear thing, turns out i have developed vertigo! Didn’t actually realise you could get it just walking around, but there we are!!
I was given some meds to help stabilise it, and panic set in. What if taking the meds could cause another defect to my rainbow bean….

I didn’t think i would worry over such a thing, but clearly, I’m more worried than I’ve been letting on. I sought reassurance from a few groups of people, but no one really understood where i was coming from. However, the symptoms became unmanageable so i had no choice but to follow the instructions and hope for the best. This has led to 2 days off work as i was unable to move my head without feeling dizzy and unsteady.

Christmas day arrived, I’m usually a bit of a kid, i love presents and hubby usually gets me loads to open. This year was different, we spent our pennies on everyone else, we didn’t get each other gifts. We have the rainbow baby(ies) on board and that seemed the best excuse not to buy anything. Honestly though, i just couldn’t think of anything i wanted more than Milo.

Im outwardly very positive, but as christmas approached, I’ve missed my little boy a lot. I haven’t been able to help myself but think of what could of been. A luxury i normally do not allow myself. He’d of been 5 months now, and of course would have no idea of what was happening, but i think he would of liked the twinkly lights, and we could have dressed him as a christmas pudding to delight the family…..

Instead we spent the day with my in-laws, Milo wasn’t mentioned and the new baby avoided….i think this was an attempt as to not to upset us or spoil the festive mood, in their own way they were being kind, i know that, but i have been feeling lately that many people have forgotten the hell we went through just 9 short months ago, and this compounded that. Conversely, i read on my forum about a lady who’s mother in law had brought up their angel grandchild and talked of how they missed her, I’m ashamed to say it, but i was jealous, i wish my extended family had made mention of my angel, as he was all of ours. Not just mine and hubby’s.

My Mum, on the other hand, has learnt to follow my lead and so we talk of little Milo quite openly and as we spent christmas night with her, we were able to think of him without restriction. She is also quite excited for the new pregnancy, despite my pleas for her to curb her enthusiasm just now. Im not ready to make plans, and won’t be until we get the all clear at the 20 week scan.
This is not me being negative, its just protection, my brain will not allow me to think more than a week ahead. My TFMR Rainbow Mummies will understand this reaction all too well as will any rainbow mummy reading i imagine.
My friends that are currently pregnant with me, and others around me all talk of how different next christmas will be, i smile and nod, but i remember saying all of this last christmas, I’m not ready to believe just yet. We haven’t even had the early scan, never mind the fact that it’ll be another 12 weeks before we know for sure whether we have a healthy kidney bean (baby’s size at current gestation) on board. So for now i ask that we don’t plan for the future, but take each day as it comes, enjoy the moment, because we don’t know how many we have.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Not sure what to do with myself….

Not sure what to do with myself….

So quick update on symptoms….
The vivid dreams over the last week have gone from anxiety to supposed guilt. In one, my baby was face down in the bath for a number of seconds before i noticed….typical anxiety. In another, Milo was present as a living doll….if you’ve watched ‘The Leftovers’ you’ll know what i mean, that was pretty messed up to be honest, especially as i feel no guilt whatsoever over my decision, so not sure what my subconscious is up to there.
Ive also had ‘normal’ dreams following triggers in my own life, I’ve been in Australia for a couple of nights which was nice, until i ended up arguing with a friend i no longer talk too!
Im still exhausted but struggling with insomnia at the same time, which at times is making me quite miserable.
My appetite is still through the roof, which I’m enjoying immensely, I’ve now tipped 8st 2lbs on the scales, so quite the jump in one week! Ive no particular cravings really, i just need to constantly graze! I talk food a lot with my pregnant friend, which usually means we both end up starving and have to have a snack!
For 6 weeks 4 days (6+4) I’m fairly, well, rotund, in the afternoon and my boobs are growing weekly, wont be long until I’m back in maternity clothes, ill be lucky to make christmas in my regular stuff!

With regards to the early scan, i heard from the bereavement team last week and they have been busy working to get things sorted. Im assured i will have a scan before christmas, even if i don’t meet with the consultant until after christmas. They have booked me an appointment with my GP to get a referral to the consultant in order to start my enhanced care. They are a good bunch my bereavement team and I’m very lucky to have them support me.

Oh and still no letter from NHS IVF clinic…..just in case you were wondering?!

So, on to the main point of my post, not being sure where i fit. What i mean is, i don’t seem to be feeling what i ought to be feeling….
As a bereaved parent, my rainbow pregnancy should be terrifying, but i don’t seem to feel that way, I’m quite optimistic mostly. We have a 1% chance of a heart defect, any heart defect, not just what Milo had, and as my Granddad said, “ill take those odds”. It does mean we are high risk, hence the enhanced care, but I’m seeing this a good thing, more scans, means more bonding, extra care means being more informed and having a better of idea of what is happening. I genuinely am quite relaxed. The ladies on the TFMR Rainbows board on my forum have welcomed me with open arms, and seem to be following my lead with regards to my positive attitude which is fantastic. I just hope i can be as supportive to them even though I’m not experiencing the same anxieties and feelings they are. Well not yet, anyway.

As this is my second pregnancy, I’m no where near as anxious as i was first time round, and feel its my responsibility to use my experience to reassure those around me who are going through their first pregnancy. This isn’t always possible of course, as the fears of early pregnancy are very real and until those early scans (I’m only really talking to fellow IVFers) the brain can play all sorts of tricks on a mum to be. But i try my best to reassure and remain positive for these ladies on my forum. Sadly not everyone in my position feels this way, and I’ve been witness to some very scary stories of late, with no thought given to how this may affect 1st timers, or even people less far along in their pregnancy, including me. There has been a lot of talk of miscarriage and missed miscarriage, lack of symptoms, the list goes on. Its terrifying, but all consuming, meaning people forget how scary this can be for people reading along. Ive stepped away from one source, but of course in these early stages, it can be everywhere. Ive tried to be positive for these ladies and myself, reassuring them as best i can, but some people cannot be reassured, or do not want to be reassured.
Ive told my story, how i was sooooo anxious in my last pregnancy that i only really enjoyed it for 4 weeks before being given the devastating diagnosis and going through the WORST experience expectant parents can go through. I tell this story as i hope people will try to do what i am doing – enjoy every single day, because we don’t know how long we have, and honestly, worrying everyday about the what if’s and what could be’s really will make no difference to the end result.
My attitude is why waste a moment worrying, when i could be enjoying, eternally grateful for this second chance?

Is my attitude wrong? Am i in denial? I don’t know, but I’m happy, my husband is happy, our families are happy, and that is the most amazing thing in the world. Just before christmas too, it couldn’t be more perfect. Having said all this, my PMA can be quite lonely at times, it can be hard to be excited when you fear upsetting others around you, I’ve had to ‘edit’ myself quite often, PMA isn’t always appreciated. But at the same time I’ve noticed my patience with undue negativity is at an all time low, so perhaps the balance is being restored there?

My heart goes out to all of you still trying to make your baby. Never give up, the road is long and hard, but you will get there. Remain positive if you can, i honestly feel it helped us get to this point.

Im not trying to say that I’m better than anyone else, that my way of coping is the only way of coping, and of course I’ve had my dark days, just read some of my previous posts. Pregnancy truly is a blessing though, and i treat it as such. The journey, in its own way, has shaped me, made me who i am, despite all the misery we have experienced, we are still here, still breathing, more positive than I’ve ever been. Im still a realist, but now, i see the good where before i just saw the bad.

Anyway, time to eat!!!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

7 days down….4 to go

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A week ago today, the litter were transferred! Its flown by in all honesty, which i didn’t expect.

I went back to work today and as always, it was nice to be there, i do love my job! Problem was, hubby didn’t pack me enough food!

I ate my porridge upon arrival, and then tucked into Jaffa cakes…at 10.30 i was offered a cuppa soup, i declined thinking there would be ample in my lunch box, i checked, there wasn’t, so had the cuppa soup!

I then clock watched for 12pm (whilst working) so it was acceptable to devour my sandwich and 2 bags of crisps. Then i was out of food 😪

Only problem I’ve had is serious indigestion whenever i eat, which is a problem, as i want to eat ALL the time. Ive also had some cramping today and the right hand side of my groin is aching…I’m not worried, in fact I’m seeing it as a positive!

Oh and I’m now covered in what i call ‘progesterone acne’ its all over my upper-back, shoulders and chest….delightful but also reminiscent of my last pregnancy….but of course I’m taking a lot of progesterone so probably linked to that.

Other than that, im tired now, at 5.30pm and had a few bouts of light-headiness since getting home so i shall sign off and possibly nap…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx