Tag: second bereavement

This is why not

This is why not

So…

A lady on a facebook group im on, lost her baby girl at 41&2

She did a facebook live describing how it all happened. She was still in shock and she was/is trying to cope so i dont begrudge her for talking about it. I applaud her.

What shes going through is 100 times worse than anything i had to endure, she has to look at the moses basket and pram, knowing her angel wont ever use them.

Awful.

Anyway, im trying to watch her live, i get to the bit just before she gives birth…and i crumble. We already know shes gonna be stillborn so i should be ok. I wanna be strong for this lady.

But i break…

Im back in the room where Milo was diagnosed with HLHS, im giving birth, im losing Millie, im contracting…

I’m full of anxiety, I’m tense, i wanna be strong but I’m not. I’m a mess.

And that’s why i can’t have another. I can’t go through it again.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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Again….

I’m struggling with the again side of things, to be honest, I’m struggling with all sides again. 

But ‘again’ keeps coming to me…

I cant believe we are doing this AGAIN

The house is full of flowers again AGAIN

I have good minutes and bad minutes AGAIN

I have insomnia AGAIN

I have no appetite AGAIN

No one knows what to say AGAIN

I want to runaway AGAIN

The phantom Kicks are back AGAIN

I feel empty AGAIN

Nothing fits AGAIN

I cant stop the tears AGAIN

I look into the face of the man i love and see nothing but pain and loss, and there is nothing i can do to take that away AGAIN

This time is harder, i know what to expect and how hard this is going to be. I dont have the resolve i had last time…with Milo it was head down, get through it, get pregnant. 

Now….just fog, no idea where i am, where we are going and what the plan is. Im truly lost and broken and dont know what to do. I dont want to get through this, i just want to stop. I dont know who to be if im not planning a baby, its been my life for 7 years in May.

I know its early days but the person i am needs a plan. 

Its harder this time because i MISS her. I love Milo with everything i have but i was on so much morphine, i didnt bond in the same way i did with Millie. I miss the weight of her in my arms, all 15ozs of her, i miss talking to her, i miss planning for her.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx