Tag: second bereavement

This is why not

This is why not


A lady on a facebook group im on, lost her baby girl at 41&2

She did a facebook live describing how it all happened. She was still in shock and she was/is trying to cope so i dont begrudge her for talking about it. I applaud her.

What shes going through is 100 times worse than anything i had to endure, she has to look at the moses basket and pram, knowing her angel wont ever use them.


Anyway, im trying to watch her live, i get to the bit just before she gives birth…and i crumble. We already know shes gonna be stillborn so i should be ok. I wanna be strong for this lady.

But i break…

Im back in the room where Milo was diagnosed with HLHS, im giving birth, im losing Millie, im contracting…

I’m full of anxiety, I’m tense, i wanna be strong but I’m not. I’m a mess.

And that’s why i can’t have another. I can’t go through it again.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx


I’m struggling with the again side of things, to be honest, I’m struggling with all sides again. 

But ‘again’ keeps coming to me…

I cant believe we are doing this AGAIN

The house is full of flowers again AGAIN

I have good minutes and bad minutes AGAIN

I have insomnia AGAIN

I have no appetite AGAIN

No one knows what to say AGAIN

I want to runaway AGAIN

The phantom Kicks are back AGAIN

I feel empty AGAIN

Nothing fits AGAIN

I cant stop the tears AGAIN

I look into the face of the man i love and see nothing but pain and loss, and there is nothing i can do to take that away AGAIN

This time is harder, i know what to expect and how hard this is going to be. I dont have the resolve i had last time…with Milo it was head down, get through it, get pregnant. 

Now….just fog, no idea where i am, where we are going and what the plan is. Im truly lost and broken and dont know what to do. I dont want to get through this, i just want to stop. I dont know who to be if im not planning a baby, its been my life for 7 years in May.

I know its early days but the person i am needs a plan. 

Its harder this time because i MISS her. I love Milo with everything i have but i was on so much morphine, i didnt bond in the same way i did with Millie. I miss the weight of her in my arms, all 15ozs of her, i miss talking to her, i miss planning for her.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx