Tag: trying for a baby

Rollercoaster

Rollercoaster

Why is it, every month is the same? Every month i wonder if this will be the month i get pregnant naturally.

I don’t know why i do it. I know we have 0.1% chance of it happening, but every month i wonder. And then i come on, either early on bang on time, according to my app.

Its a monthly emotional rollercoaster, its exhausting.

Honestly, i think trying for a baby turns most women into a bag of emotions! From hope, to loss, to desperation, to despair to guilt to anger.

And it repeats, every single month.

That tiny glimmer of hope is actually awful, it’d be easier if it was 0% chance.

I was due on today. It hasn’t arrived as yet.

Tea tasted funny the other day, I’ve had lower back ache, and so i wonder.

But, I’m likely just having a longer cycle due to polycystic ovaries, or I’ve not ovulated again.

But i hope, and i wonder and i wish. Only to have it all taken away again.

Infertility is hard. Its cruel.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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This is why not

This is why not

So…

A lady on a facebook group im on, lost her baby girl at 41&2

She did a facebook live describing how it all happened. She was still in shock and she was/is trying to cope so i dont begrudge her for talking about it. I applaud her.

What shes going through is 100 times worse than anything i had to endure, she has to look at the moses basket and pram, knowing her angel wont ever use them.

Awful.

Anyway, im trying to watch her live, i get to the bit just before she gives birth…and i crumble. We already know shes gonna be stillborn so i should be ok. I wanna be strong for this lady.

But i break…

Im back in the room where Milo was diagnosed with HLHS, im giving birth, im losing Millie, im contracting…

I’m full of anxiety, I’m tense, i wanna be strong but I’m not. I’m a mess.

And that’s why i can’t have another. I can’t go through it again.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

How do you stop TTC? (Trying to concieve)

How do you stop TTC? (Trying to concieve)

Well the obvious answer is stop having sex or go on the pill, but i don’t mean the actual physical act of trying to get pregnant, i mean the mind set.

Its officially been 6 years since hubby and i started trying to conceive, the 1st year i didn’t pay much attention, the 2nd year we were under a fertility specialist and on clomid so i learnt how to work out my cycle length, my luteal phase and when i roughly ovulated, the 3rd year i was starting IVF and that brings us up to date as I’m STILL doing IVF despite my 2 pregnancies.

Over the years, you learn to know your own body and can tell what its doing at each part of the month/cycle. And then you have a termination for medical reasons and it all changes. After Milo, i knew i was ovulating as i was in pain, this happened until i fell pregnant with Millie. This time, my 1st period came out of no where, ok yes id been heavily spotting for days before, but as that was a new one on me, i wasn’t sure what it meant and presumed it was due to the miscarriage, there were no cramps to warn me, which is unusual for me.

I vowed id give myself a year off, not think about cycles, ovulation, timed intercourse. Id just have a year to heal, lets face it, i don’t need to know all these signs as i cant get pregnant traditionally anyway, so why on earth am i totally aware of where i am in my cycle, when we had sex, when i ovulated and I’m now on countdown to my period arriving (2 week wait), or not. But it will. Its always does.

                                                                            
This for me is torture. Its also a very scary thought, who am i when I’m not planning a baby or IVF cycle or which vitamins we should both be on?

Im a project person, i need to plan. We thought about moving house after we lost Millie but as we need to save for more IVF it makes financial sense to stay where we are. Theres a bit of decorating to do but i hate decorating so that wont occupy me for long.

We have decided to have more weekends away, do things i cant when pregnant; trampolining, indoor skydiving, theme parks, pate, wine, soft cheese, steak…but it wont stop me knowing and stupidly hoping that i might just fall pregnant. Why oh why do i do this to myself?

The strange thing is i know I’m not alone, loads of IVFers who have unexplained fertility or those who have tubes, ovaries and live sperm still try every month they are not cycling, we all greedily read those stories about women who fall pregnant naturally before or after IVF treatment and hope that one day, soon, it’ll happen to us.

But 6 years later I’m still waiting for that natural miracle. Its not going to happen. So why do i still hope?

And there we have the answer as to why i cant stop…because there is hope. Ok it wont happen traditionally, so I AM stupid for thinking every month “this might be the month” BUT i have been pregnant twice so how i can stop, when next time might be the one we bring home? I just know id wonder “what if” if i went on the pill or didn’t try IVF again. And so really i don’t have to figure out who i am when not trying to conceive, because I’ll never stop, because despite it all, there is still hope.

All the above has been said when i am in complete denial about losing Millie, at a time where i cant really remember being pregnant, when her photo doesn’t correspond with the image in my head, where its a story i can tell about someone with my name but the true horror and tragedy of it all doesn’t sink in at all and i only know its horrific from the look on other peoples faces. 

So it could all change when i process this healthily.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx