Tag: trying to conceive

And so it begins…

And so it begins…

The desperation. The hoping i won’t come on. The praying we get lucky.

Already! We don’t cycle til September and I’m already obsessed.

Ugh! This is what IVF does. It seeps into every corner of your life. Makes you crazy. Makes you feel inadequate.

Roll on September and i hope we get a BFP as i will not be cycling again. We plan to defrost all the embryos so there is no second attempt at a sibling. IVF has been part of our lives for 7 years and we NEED to move on.

I know its the right thing to do. I know I’m so lucky to have Little T. I also know ill be devastated if it doesn’t work. So between now and then, i need to prepare myself, so I’m not broken if it doesn’t work.

In the mean time, there’s the MS diagnosis to contend with. I’ve got many symptoms going on. It started with a numb tongue for 10 days. 2 weeks later my right side went numb for about 3 weeks.

Its progressed to:

  • Lack of control in right arm and leg
  • Fine motor skills encumbered, can’t butter toast, put a key in the lock, stir a cup of tea etcetera.
  • Slurred speech
  • Fatigue
  • Balance affected

I’ve had a brain scan via MRI and I’m awaiting an appointment with a specialist. The symptoms seem to get worse with each ‘episode’ they progress quicker and last longer. I’ve had enough.

To top it all of off, my GP wants to review my anti depressants with a view to reducing them.

The appointment is next week and I’m anxious and scared. I’m not ready and i plan to tell him this and fight to stay on my current dose.

So, there’s a lot going on and I’m having some down days. I can’t even have a glass of wine as i can’t handle it, probably due to my rubbish brain, i just get stupidly drunk and make a fool of myself!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

PS sorry about the i’s M 😉

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An Open Letter….

An Open Letter….

Dear Take Home Baby Gods,

7 years ago, we decided to try for a baby.

6 years ago we were referred for fertility testing

5 years ago we found out we needed IVF

4.5 years ago i invented you.

i know you are not real, you are a figment of my imagination, but when im desperate, when i need someone to talk to/vent at/be cross with, there is no one in real life i can blame, so you came into existence.

I used to ask you to let the IVF work, all i wanted was a BFP. how naive i was eh? i thought a BFP meant a baby, but you proved me wrong.

My 4th IVF cycle saw me get pregnant for the first time, i was overjoyed, we had cracked it. Or so i thought. in a cruel twist of fate, at 20 weeks Milo was diagnosed with HLHS and we opted to end that pregnancy. it was the right thing to do.

My 6th IVF cycle saw my second BFP and despite a few hiccups, Millie was healthy. but 9 days after finding that out, you took her away. Why? was it punishment for Milo? is is punishment for a past life? is it a test? are you trying to tell me something?

If so, could you be a bit more clear about it please?

we had a year off, my head was battered, my heart broken, i was a shell of the woman i remember myself to be. it did me good, i got my strength back and i didnt think about you at all.

In May we got back on the train, yet again you are not happy with me, first throwing a freeze all in my way and then a BFN on the resulting FET. Now im planning cycle 9.

What do i need to do to please you? What do i need to do for a take home baby – ill do anything, i just need to know what.

Im so sick of being the strong one, the positive one, the patient one. its got to be my turn now? i try to get on with life, in between cycles, you know? but i know you are always watching me, deciding if ill ever get my take home baby. I can feel you there as all i think about is the upcoming cycle, and what to try this time.

if you let me get pregnant, i promise not to buy a thing until im near term – will that please you?

ill give more to charity, ill help more in the community, i WILL adopt as a thank you for letting me have my own biological child. i just wish you were real and i could offer you something so you look favourably on me. but of course, you are in my imagination. there isn’t anything or anyone that can assure me a healthy baby, or even a pregnancy at this stage. but wouldn’t it be wonderful if you were real, and i and all the other infertile/bereaved parents, could know what you wanted to ensure the next pregnancy is a safe one.

So basically, Take Home Baby Gods, this is my prayer to you. im out of money, im out of holiday and im out of steam. ive got enough left for one more shot at this. no one will love a baby more than we will, no one will ever be as grateful as we are, no one baby will have as many aunties and uncles from around the world. Please, please please, just let it be us. please?

thinking of you

Little Miss PMA xxx

Broody!!!

Broody!!!

The longing for a baby has come back with a vengance this weekend.

It’s probably because im hopefully going to be having my embryo transfer next week or possibly because i cant go on Facebook without seeing kids all over it or because Team Miracle is having such success at the moment.

But oh my God i want a baby, RIGHT NOW!!! 😂😂

Obviously i know i have to wait for a baby and im so excited/nervous to be pregnant again but oh i cant wait to be a mummy to someone.

Im quite glad this feeling is back as it was suppressed for a long while by fear and grief. Its kinda another milestone through the grief process i guess, go me.

Im managing much better with the restrictions this cycle, as i KNOW i have an issue with lining so need to do all i can to help it along. Its so much easier when i know why i am doing something!!

Im having a few anxious flutters regarding the number that may implant but im trying to remind myself to take it one day at a time, we’re not there yet.

Im also getting excited butterflies about going back to Cyprus, cant wait for lovely weather, to see the team and to get my babies back where they belong. I wanna join the baby club!!!

Sunday Morning musings!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

I made my counsellor cry…twice

So its been a whirlwind since we got back to the UK.

I dont think i realised how emotionally hard the trip to Cyprus had been but since getting home we have been exhausted. Im still quite tired if im honest but ive picked up a chest infection so thats added to everything.

Im all booked to go back in mid June.

Im so excited to go back and get my embies back where they belong but of course time is dragging.

I have now stopped my contraceptive pill so we are awaiting AF (period) to arrive so i can start the FET (frozen embryo transfer) prep. Fingers crossed itll arrive Saturday but just to ensure it does ive booked a weekend at Alton Towers.

We go down Friday to stay in the enchanted forest and then we will spend Saturday in the park. Ive also booked us into a new restaurant where your food arrives via a ‘rollercoaster’ so that should be pretty awesome.

This is to help pass the time but also so Me and Mr Me have some quality time together as he wont be on the return trip to Cyprus. We also learnt during our year off that quality time is so important to stop us drifting apart so we intend to keep up these weekend breaks to stay connected. Will be looking at country manors more than theme parks in the future, all being well.

I made a firm friend in Cyprus and we have been keeping in touch which is lovely. I now have so many IVF friends which in a way is amazing as the bond is so strong but its also a little surreal given how taboo the whole subject can be. Its amazing to have these ‘real life’ friends rather than online friends, i mean we are spread out all over the country but its nice to Whatsapp someone who gets it rather than awaiting a reply on a forum!

I visited my counsellor the week after i came home and as i told the story i could see her getting emotional and it was her tears that made me realise that we had had quite a tough time and that it was most definitely a rollercoaster of emotions but my response is always the same ‘that’s IVF, its not simple or straightforward’ and in terms of highlighting that, this delayed cycle is ideal evidence, but again, i was told to stop thinking of others!
I really got her going when i explained Dr F is timing my pregnancy so i give birth in February but i knew that would be an emotional moment as even i got emotional when she told me and i dont do emosh!

I have made a point of seeing my friends before i go back and this last weekend i went to Junkyard Golf with our friends and it was awesome. Whole course is indeed made of junk and you can have a lil drink to make it even more fun…plus i WON! Which never happens, mustve been the booze.

Im now back on my clean living diet as caffeine and alcohol can affect lining thickness and ive had trouble with lining on FETs in the past. The clinic arent a bit worried but i am going to be doing some extras just to help it along…raspberry leaf tea to improve lining thickness, brazil nuts for the selenium, and i was hoping to have some acupuntucture but neither therapist i contacted have got in touch so that may not happen! 

I have to admit that im having the occasional flash panic about being pregnant again but i quickly remind myself i actually need that BFP before i worry about anything!!! And im able to stop it rather than having it negative spiral out of control. Counselling is definitely paying off.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Its like I’ve forgotten EVERYTHING

Its like I’ve forgotten EVERYTHING

I seem to be doing really badly with the jabs for some reason. I have great big red lumps where the jab is and its sore to touch.

I mean they do go down within 24hrs but i don’t remember this from last time!

IVF isn’t meant to be easy though, eh?

Ill take my 4th stimulation dose tonight (wish me luck) and on the 5th we add in cetrotide to stop me ovulating.

I’ve got my bed socks on when im at home but haven’t managed the hot water bottle yet.

Im drinking a glass of milk with complan daily as well as loads of water…although i need to be drinking more. Im snacking on almonds too.

Now as my period (AF) has been all over the place, stop starting and the like, i may have started a day late 😕 but im assured this will be ok by the clinic. Plus i have an extra day if needs be thanks to rubbish flight times!

I’ve met a lovely cycle buddy through babycentre and we are going to meet up in Cyprus so that’ll be nice.

Im now over my wine and coffee craving which is great because i annoyed myself on Saturday and Sunday but im in the IVF mindset now!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Thunderbirds Are Go.

Thunderbirds Are Go.

So AF has been threatening to make an appearance for a few days but thankfully held off.

This evening, right on time, she showed her face!

Tomorrow is CD 1 and then on Saturday i get to make a dent in this lot…

image

Eeeeek its happening!!!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

I hate my body…

After i lost Milo, i wrote a piece about how your body can be cruel and trick you into thinking you are pregnant.

Well 5/6 months after my miscarriage, its happening again.

My cycles have been getting progressively shorter, with last month only being 25 days. A very strange and light period caused me worry so on 5th Sept, i tested, BFN.

Well fast forward to today and i was due on but of course, she’s not here. So here i am worrying again

Im so sick of this, i don’t know whether im coming or going.

Im thinking of going on the pill to regulate my cycles before IVF.  I wasn’t going to act on this until January but given i DO NOT WANT a pregnancy just yet, i may start sooner.

Im wondering though, should i be investigated first? Is there something wrong?
Ive never had cycles below 28 days until now, but last month was 25 and month before 27.

I don’t really want to delve into investigations of this nature though as im not sure i could take any more fertility issues.

Arrrrgggghhhhh! Why? Why does this happen? Its so cruel and im sick of it.

Humph.

Anyway, rant over.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx