Tag: trying to concieve

Rollercoaster

Rollercoaster

Why is it, every month is the same? Every month i wonder if this will be the month i get pregnant naturally.

I don’t know why i do it. I know we have 0.1% chance of it happening, but every month i wonder. And then i come on, either early on bang on time, according to my app.

Its a monthly emotional rollercoaster, its exhausting.

Honestly, i think trying for a baby turns most women into a bag of emotions! From hope, to loss, to desperation, to despair to guilt to anger.

And it repeats, every single month.

That tiny glimmer of hope is actually awful, it’d be easier if it was 0% chance.

I was due on today. It hasn’t arrived as yet.

Tea tasted funny the other day, I’ve had lower back ache, and so i wonder.

But, I’m likely just having a longer cycle due to polycystic ovaries, or I’ve not ovulated again.

But i hope, and i wonder and i wish. Only to have it all taken away again.

Infertility is hard. Its cruel.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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This is why not

This is why not

So…

A lady on a facebook group im on, lost her baby girl at 41&2

She did a facebook live describing how it all happened. She was still in shock and she was/is trying to cope so i dont begrudge her for talking about it. I applaud her.

What shes going through is 100 times worse than anything i had to endure, she has to look at the moses basket and pram, knowing her angel wont ever use them.

Awful.

Anyway, im trying to watch her live, i get to the bit just before she gives birth…and i crumble. We already know shes gonna be stillborn so i should be ok. I wanna be strong for this lady.

But i break…

Im back in the room where Milo was diagnosed with HLHS, im giving birth, im losing Millie, im contracting…

I’m full of anxiety, I’m tense, i wanna be strong but I’m not. I’m a mess.

And that’s why i can’t have another. I can’t go through it again.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Bleurgh. And xmas is coming. Great! (In most sarcastic tone imaginable) 

Firstly, i want to say a huge thank you for those of you that reposted/reblogged or lit a candle on the 15th October for Babyloss Awareness. I was touched that so many of you got involved, even if you hadnt lost a child. I was so proud, i really felt like id achieved something within my little circle. So thank you, it meant so much to me.

I havent posted recently as not much is happening in all honesty. Hubby and i continue to keep busy, enjoying the year of Me and Mr Me.

Over the last few days, theres been a undercurrent. Im struggling to fake it to myself. The general public would have no idea as i can still put on this bright and breezy manner as and when required. When im alone however, im struggling to see the point in anything, getting up, breathing, putting one foot in front of another.

Sometimes my fake it til i make it attitude isnt always a good idea. Because i look OK, because i smile and say im fine, because i dont weep and wail all the time, people FORGET. They forget that im suffering with depression, they forget im trying to grieve for 2 children, they forget that my latest loss was only 7 months ago (to the day as it happens) and when people forget, they wonder why youre not happy go lucky ALL the time, why some days its hard to smile and pretend its all OK, why some days my demeanour isnt as it usually is. And they have no idea why, none at all. And i just want to shake them and scream ‘ive lost 2 babies in 54 weeks, ive been through so much IVF its unbelievable, im not OK i just say i am to make it easier on YOU!’

But i dont, i dont put it on anyone, i dont let them see how hard it is.

Today, im really struggling. Everything seems too much effort and i just want to hide in a hole. I dont want to go to work this week, i want to wallow. 

Nothing has really triggered this low episode, just a number of things are going on around me. My bestie left for Australia via Singapore today. Im so so proud of her for knowing what she wants and just going for it. Ive known for months today would be the day, but i, like her family, have been in denial. I still think she will back in 2 weeks, that shes just on her holidays, but shes not. We will text and Skype a lot so ill barely notice shes on the other side of the world, until i visit in February. I will miss her though, shes been my rock. 

Her leaving and setting out on this new adventure has brought home how much i feel trapped. I cant just leave, i have responsibilities and thats fine, its the life i wanted and im very happy day to day, but part of me wants to change it up in a big way. I did have my hair done…
And i like it, but it doesnt seem crazy enough.

  
Another factor im finding hard, is Christmas. Its not my favourite time of year and the reason for this? I’m childless. 

Christmas IS for kids, the magic in their eyes, the twinkle of lights, the christmas songs, the excitement, meeting Santa, leaving a carrot for Rudolph, christmas movies. Its ALL for kids. Christmas as an adult is expensive, stressful, takes a mass amount of planning and is over in 24hrs. Its shit. End of.

Every year for the past 7 years, weve said, next Christmas will be different. It isnt. The difference this year is i won’t be pregnant. I can have a drink and eat all the Patè i want. Itll still be shit. My one shining beacon is M. She has invited us round on the 28th to have xmas with her, her hubby and baby O. At least ill get to spend one day seeing xmas through a babys eyes, hes already fascinated by twinkling lights and as his Mum is xmas mad, the house will be like a grotto im sure. And although this should be my worst nightmare, having a proper xmas with a child will be more tolerable than anything else ive got planned. Itll be baby O’s day and itll be how it should be. Hubby and I don’t even decorate anymore, whats the point? Ok the cats like the baubles, but they are 8 now and sleep more, they wouldnt be bothered to even pull them off! 

I know i seem a bit Scrooge McDuck about this, but its so so hard at this time of the year, especially as many of my friends will be celebrating baby’s 1st xmas this year, except me.  I have managed to book time off from work over xmas this year, for the first time in many years and right now i want to book a flight away from 29th to the 2nd. I want to run away, i dont want to face this, i dont want to be strong and smile and make sure everyone else is OK, i want to sulk and be completely inappropriate and be melancholy.

Im also struggling with the passage of time. It simultaneously seems to have ground to a halt whilst also going faster than light. The things im looking forward to, Disneyland, family party, Australia, all seem forever away, whereas IVF in Cyprus in May seems just around the corner. 

I know this tends to be the norm when you are looking forward to or dreading something, it just seems hugely heightened at the moment.

Today has been hard, harder than its been in a while. Im still in a funk now with no way out in sight, so im going to stare blankly at the tele until bed time.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Its hard to put into words

Its hard to put into words

Im finding it hard to blog at the moment. I come up with some interesting stuff, but its forgotten in a heartbeat as i still cannot focus on any 1 subject for any length of time.

Ive been struggling with my meds, they only hold me for about 7-9hrs and then i crash. The weight of everything we have yet to come hits me with surprising force. Not what has happened, but what is to come. My meds have been increased as of today so fingers crossed ill see an improvement soon, but as always, ill probably go down before i come back up/level out. 

I got my final sick note today, so in a months time, I’m going back to work. I don’t know yet if ill do a staged return, but I’m all set for gearing up to it now.

The counselling has revealed to me some surprising things.

Im quite cross about certain things, in particular the baby clothes, moses basket, play mats, steriliser kit, toys, etc that are currently stored in my walk in wardrobe, stuff i bought with such high hopes, with such great expectations, stuff I’m not convinced ill ever get to use.

I also don’t consider myself a parent, and get quite upset if someone insists I’m a Mum. To me, a Mum is someone who guides and helps shape the life of a small person. Despite having two babies, i do not feel like a Mummy. Ive suffered no sleepless nights, imparted no wisdom, heard no cry, changed no nappies. I am a bereaved parent, and i don’t like that.

Another surprising revelation is that I’m wholly convinced i killed both my children and even if I’m lucky enough to have a live baby one day, I’ve lost all my confidence with regards to caring for a newborn.

Ive always been very comfortable around babies of any age. They have never scared me, i just got on with it. But now? Im terrified of all the things i have no control of. I feel i cant see anyone when the baby comes, because if someone pointed out i was doing something wrong, id lose all confidence. I also need to prove to myself i can keep a newborn alive. Im so worried about SIDS, breaking the babies neck by not holding them properly, falling asleep and smothering the baby, PND and not bonding with baby, being a terrible Mum who is unable to cope with the stress of a newborn, the list goes on.

                                                                         
My homework from counselling this week was to focus on my feelings of guilt surrounding the death of my children. I do blame myself, for them both. Milo i can justify to myself, he wasn’t a well baby, could’ve died upon delivery, or during the operations, or from a completely unrelated virus he may not have been strong enough to fight.

With regards to Millie, what sort of mother doesn’t know when their child is in distress? How did i not know that i had an infection that would eventually kill her? Why did my body give me no warning of what was happening? I killed my daughter, because i didn’t pay enough attention, didn’t act quickly enough, was too blasé about the aches and pains i felt that day. I will live with this guilt forever and I’m not sure anyone will persuade me different.

The future petrifies me. The thought of going through IVF and a pregnancy literally makes me shake. Its so overwhelming. Usually when doing a cycle of IVF i feel mainly positive as I’m making an effort towards my take home baby dream, but now, it fills with me with dread. The actual IVF will be easy enough, but seeing those 2 lines on a pregnancy test, will mark the beginning of what i am sure is to be the most worrisome time of my life, speckled with fear and terror that any day could be the day i lose it.

In my mind, ill never get past 21 weeks gestation. If i do, the fear of losing them later and later in the pregnancy is rife, how will i cope with that? If by some miracle we get to have a live baby, I’m not sure ill believe its mine. I don’t have live babies. Im going to seem like a total loon to the staff, I’m sure of it. And then, if we get through all that, I’m then responsible for this tiny little person, i have to keep them alive!!!!!!!!

Its too much, its so overwhelming, and I’m still not able to ‘feel’ what has already happened…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Fertilisation!!!!

Fertilisation!!!!

We awoke early this morning, excited and apprehensive to find out whether our eggs and sperm had gotten jiggy over night! Well with ICSI they were forced to as this is when the sperm is actually injected into the egg rather than leaving them to their own devices.

We had breakfast and waited around for a couple of hours, but didn’t hear anything…as we were getting anxious we decided to have a walk around the castle, telling ourselves that by the time we returned we would know the numbers!

After the castle we had a bit of lunch and used the restaurants free wifi just in case, but nothing. Its verrry relaxed over here and i kept telling hubby, no news is good news!!! But we were getting antsy.

We decided to come and have a rest back at the hotel, and of course use the wifi, and I’ve just cracked, and whatsapp-ed Umit. The numbers are bloody fantastic….

Of the 12 collected, 11 were mature and therefore injected with a sperm, and of those 11, 9 have fertilised!!!! For you math whizzes out there, thats an 82% fertilisation rate, compared to our last go in the UK which was 62% – 21 mature eggs injected with 13 fertilising!

Hubby and i are over the freaking moon!!! We knew that coming here was a good idea, but its turned out to be even better than we thought!!!!

So now to leave them to it over the weekend and hope they continue to divide normally, i think on Sunday, all being well, the assisted hatching will be performed (where they pierce the shell of the embryo to allow it to hatch more easily) and hopefully transfer will take place on Tuesday at day 5.

For now, I’m just to prepare for transfer by continuing my meds…heres a little pic of what I’m on…

IMG_0042-1.JPG

So the yellow and red ones are the antibiotics, this stops any infection and dries up any liquid in the uterus, making it cosy for transfer. The white ones are the progesterone pessaries and the blue ones oestrogen to thicken the lining.

We cannot stop grinning, I’ve already made up a little song (i do this a lot) willing them to stay strong for Mummy and Daddy!

Happy happy happy.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

The TTC Journey….

So to begin our TTC (trying to conceive) journey….in May 2009 we decided to start trying for a baby, ive always wanted to be a Mummy, but hubby wasnt so sure, however we’d been married 2 years and so he agreed, not reluctantly, but with the good sense of a 24 year old with little money!!! My Mum had no trouble getting pregnant so i fully expected a bun in the oven within 3 months…12 months later, still no baby!!! So off to the GP we went, we were referred to a fertility consultant at the local hospital with no idea of the journey we were about to begin!!!

The fertility consultant booked me for a lap & dye, to check my fallopian tubes weren’t blocked, that went well and the nurse in recovery told me she expected id be pregnant really soon and not to worry. We were sent away with Clomid and told to try for 3 cycles and then we’d been seen again. Now the idea behind Clomid is to make you over ovulate, giving you more chance of a sperm meeting an egg, so as we had no issues whatsoever, it was a guarantee right? Wrong!!!!

3 cycles pass and no baby, so off we go back to the FS at the hospital, just to be told to try another 3 months but not to worry, other than me having long cycles, there are no issues!!! So off we go, full of belief, only to find 3 months later, we are still not expecting. The FS then tells us IVF is the only option now…bit out of left field but OK, however i had to quit smoking, so another 3 month wait before we could be referred.

This brings us to September 2011 and finally we are referred to the IVF clinic. What follows is a barrage of tests, all the same as the ones the FS did, and then we are called into a meeting….

This is where we realised things weren’t as rosy as they appeared….instead of having unexplained infertility it turns out i have polycystic ovaries, PCO, but not the syndrome, meaning i have regular periods, but a fair few follicles on each ovary every month, instead of just one. This on its own wouldn’t be a problem of sorts, until combined with hubby. Turns out everything that can be wrong, is. He has low count, low motility and low morphology. I have come to affectionally refer to hubby’s swimmers as ‘gay’ as they take one look ay my egg and run off in the other direction!!! However we were assured that with ICSI (where they actually inject the egg with a sperm) we should be ok. However, we have a less than 1% chance of falling pregnant naturally. Que. the breakdown right? Nope! We took it in our stride, signed the mountains of paperwork and off we went.

Fast forward to May 2012 and we embark on our first round of ICSI. Im not going to go into all the ins and outs as I’m due to start the second round soon, and will bore your socks off with all the meds etc then. So lets just get to the interesting bits….they collected 22 eggs from me, has to be some advantage to having PCO, right? Hubby’s sperm analysis (SA) was poor but with the wonders of science, we managed to get 13 fertilised eggs….sounds amazing, but over the next few days, 10 of them arrested and by day 5 we had a blastocyst (scientific term for the stage of development our embryo was at) and 2 almost blastos! Despite having OHSS (a condition only developed during IVF, ill talk more about it when i go through my next round) they transferred that embryo….the result….BFN (big fat negative)! I did kinda know, i just thought with all the meds i had been given to stimulate my ovaries, how can this poor embryo stand a chance? I was downhearted, but not beaten!! Those 2 slow growers were frozen, ready for use in the future.

We went through 2 medicated Frozen Embryo Transfer cycles, both of which were cancelled due to poor response, trust me when i say thats worse than a BFN. The first time i cried for 8 hours straight, called every local IVF clinic to see if they would continue my treatment but, for obvious reasons, to no avail! The second time i saw it coming but still spiralled into a miserable few weeks wondering why on earth i was doing this to myself.

This brings us to June 2013 where clinic decides i must have a endometrial lining issue and need to have a camera in my uterus to check the state of affairs in there…so with the promise of a referral, we are once agin left in the ether! During my wait for the referral i decided to pay for some private tests over in Greece, turns out i tested positive for a hidden infection, had always tested negative in UK….go figure. Hubby and i embark on a month long course of antibiotics to clear this deep-seated infection. In the mean time, my referral has been lost, made, cancelled and everything in-between which prompted a formal complaint from hubby….luckily with the help of PALS everything was sorted, appointment set for a few days after we returned from holiday.

The procedure shows no abnormalities so we are referred back to the IVF clinic who are at a loss, desperate really, and so decide to suggest a natural FET. NO meds, just me on my own, tracking my own cycle. So late October 2013 1 of those slow embryos that was frozen is defrosted and returned to its rightful place. The clinic had no hope, my lining was 5mm, they like a minimum of 7mm, everyone assured me it would fail, but after 2 cancellations in 12 months, i had to try, i was going loopy!!!!

11 days later, we got our first ever BFP….OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

Confessions of Little Miss PMA

So I’m very new to this, in fact this is my first ever blog post. So bear with me, I’m bound to go on and on, but hopefully some of it will be interesting, funny or moving…thats the plan anyway.

Where to start??? Well heres a bit about me….I’m 30, nearly 31. Ive been with my husband for nearly 10 years, we have been married nearly 7 and he truly is the most wonderful man i know. We went to school together but didn’t meet until after we left, I’m a year older, and went on holiday with friends, only to bump into him on the beaches of Kos!! We connected instantly, and a few short months later, after a lot of perseverance on his side, we got together and haven’t looked back since. We were at uni at the time and i moved into his halls pretty much straight away, and we’ve barely been apart since. That may sound a bit OTT and rushed, but it works for us, and everyone told us we were too young to get married, but here we are, still going strong!!!!

We live in our little home with 3 of the strangest cats you’ll ever meet. we really want to move, but due to IVF funding, its best to stay where we are until we have used all of our NHS funding…that doesn’t mean to say i haven’t got property alerts being sent to my phone though lol

Now, the point of this blog? Well, our 10 years together have been amazing, but we’ve also encountered a few hurdles along the way, many of which have occurred this year alone! I guess a lot of this post will be about struggle to conceive, the roller coaster that is infertility and IVF but ill also speckle it with various goings on in my life including my weight GAIN struggle, being a bereaved parent and part time carer to my lovely Mum.

I decided to start a blog as I’ve been very active in online forums for many years now, and received such wonderful support and made some lovely friends along the way. Ive become known as Little Miss PMA, which i love, I’ve always wanted to be seen as someone who can make things feel a little brighter, and try to see the positive (which is mostly down to this year alone, i used to be a realist, still am but now i can also see the positive where most people wouldn’t) but there are times, when the PMA drops and i thought having a place to vent would be really useful.

So….let it begin, i hope you find this an interesting read, but really its just for me to get my thoughts out.

Thanks xx