Firstly, i want to say a huge thank you for those of you that reposted/reblogged or lit a candle on the 15th October for Babyloss Awareness. I was touched that so many of you got involved, even if you hadnt lost a child. I was so proud, i really felt like id achieved something within my little circle. So thank you, it meant so much to me.
I havent posted recently as not much is happening in all honesty. Hubby and i continue to keep busy, enjoying the year of Me and Mr Me.
Over the last few days, theres been a undercurrent. Im struggling to fake it to myself. The general public would have no idea as i can still put on this bright and breezy manner as and when required. When im alone however, im struggling to see the point in anything, getting up, breathing, putting one foot in front of another.
Sometimes my fake it til i make it attitude isnt always a good idea. Because i look OK, because i smile and say im fine, because i dont weep and wail all the time, people FORGET. They forget that im suffering with depression, they forget im trying to grieve for 2 children, they forget that my latest loss was only 7 months ago (to the day as it happens) and when people forget, they wonder why youre not happy go lucky ALL the time, why some days its hard to smile and pretend its all OK, why some days my demeanour isnt as it usually is. And they have no idea why, none at all. And i just want to shake them and scream ‘ive lost 2 babies in 54 weeks, ive been through so much IVF its unbelievable, im not OK i just say i am to make it easier on YOU!’
But i dont, i dont put it on anyone, i dont let them see how hard it is.
Today, im really struggling. Everything seems too much effort and i just want to hide in a hole. I dont want to go to work this week, i want to wallow.
Nothing has really triggered this low episode, just a number of things are going on around me. My bestie left for Australia via Singapore today. Im so so proud of her for knowing what she wants and just going for it. Ive known for months today would be the day, but i, like her family, have been in denial. I still think she will back in 2 weeks, that shes just on her holidays, but shes not. We will text and Skype a lot so ill barely notice shes on the other side of the world, until i visit in February. I will miss her though, shes been my rock.
Her leaving and setting out on this new adventure has brought home how much i feel trapped. I cant just leave, i have responsibilities and thats fine, its the life i wanted and im very happy day to day, but part of me wants to change it up in a big way. I did have my hair done…
And i like it, but it doesnt seem crazy enough.
Another factor im finding hard, is Christmas. Its not my favourite time of year and the reason for this? I’m childless.
Christmas IS for kids, the magic in their eyes, the twinkle of lights, the christmas songs, the excitement, meeting Santa, leaving a carrot for Rudolph, christmas movies. Its ALL for kids. Christmas as an adult is expensive, stressful, takes a mass amount of planning and is over in 24hrs. Its shit. End of.
Every year for the past 7 years, weve said, next Christmas will be different. It isnt. The difference this year is i won’t be pregnant. I can have a drink and eat all the Patè i want. Itll still be shit. My one shining beacon is M. She has invited us round on the 28th to have xmas with her, her hubby and baby O. At least ill get to spend one day seeing xmas through a babys eyes, hes already fascinated by twinkling lights and as his Mum is xmas mad, the house will be like a grotto im sure. And although this should be my worst nightmare, having a proper xmas with a child will be more tolerable than anything else ive got planned. Itll be baby O’s day and itll be how it should be. Hubby and I don’t even decorate anymore, whats the point? Ok the cats like the baubles, but they are 8 now and sleep more, they wouldnt be bothered to even pull them off!
I know i seem a bit Scrooge McDuck about this, but its so so hard at this time of the year, especially as many of my friends will be celebrating baby’s 1st xmas this year, except me. I have managed to book time off from work over xmas this year, for the first time in many years and right now i want to book a flight away from 29th to the 2nd. I want to run away, i dont want to face this, i dont want to be strong and smile and make sure everyone else is OK, i want to sulk and be completely inappropriate and be melancholy.
Im also struggling with the passage of time. It simultaneously seems to have ground to a halt whilst also going faster than light. The things im looking forward to, Disneyland, family party, Australia, all seem forever away, whereas IVF in Cyprus in May seems just around the corner.
I know this tends to be the norm when you are looking forward to or dreading something, it just seems hugely heightened at the moment.
Today has been hard, harder than its been in a while. Im still in a funk now with no way out in sight, so im going to stare blankly at the tele until bed time.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx