I havent been to a baby group this week. I found a perfect one on Tuesday afternoon but talked myself out of it. They advised bringing a water nappy for the baby and i told myself Little T was too young for water play.
That was a lie.
I wasnt brave enough.
I did tell the GP last week i was struggling and have upped my antidepressants to my pre IVF level. Im yet to feel the benefit but it takes time and im back at the GP for monitoring next week.
I thought id go back to counselling. Mr Me made the call as i couldnt but ive lost my place due to non attendance (i missed 5 weeks = 2 sessions). So im back on the waiting list. My GP did say she could make a referral too, i wanted continuity but perhaps time is of the essence so i think ill explain the situation to her next week and see what she thinks.
Like 75% of women im suffering with post natal depression. Its no surprise and i kinda expected it. Its hard though. Its taken the form of struggling to love Little T and feeling fat and low.
I know why im struggling to love Little T.
Im terrified he will be taken away. I feel like ive moved on from the SIDS fear. I sometimes forget to put the sensor mat on, so my fear is definitely lessening but i cant let my guard down.
Hes a beautiful little boy, he looks at me with such adoration and his smile…wow. I would do anything for him, id never hurt him. Im just too scared to love him. And thats so sad.
To fix that i need to talk. And im trying to sort that.
Weight. Im huge. Im techinically overweight according to BMI too. NEVER EVER THOUGHT ID BE OVERWEIGHT. Ok so im a size 14 bottom and 12 top. I can manage the 12, kind of. But the 14? From a size 6. Nope. I hate my tummy. Hate it. I KNOW its only been 7 weeks but the thought of being this big for the foreseeable? Nah. I have 7 items of clothing ive bought new, everything else is too fecking small and its contributing to my low mood.
Mr Me suggested joining one of the weight loss mummy groups. And thats great except my anxiety is in too much control to let me yet. Plus i have nothing to wear. 😉
Depression and anxiety is a vicious cycle. Depression is worse for me when im on my own with no adult stimulation. I need to meet other Mummies ASAP. Anxiety stops me going out to meet new people. It does look like ill get to see more of the NCT ladies now though, we met at L’s house for tea yesterday and said we would keep meeting up so fingers crossed thatll happen. Its nice to meet them as we all have the same parenting struggles and its nice to feel we are not alone. No one wants to feel alone.
So yeah, thats where im at. Struggling but working on it.
Love, Little Miss PMA xxx