Dumbass

Dumbass

Im so stupid, i mentioned on a competition on Facebook that we are planning to IVF again before blogging it.

So, we are planning a Frozen Embryo Transfer in September. I’m on holiday in North Cyprus anyway so makes sense to give it a go!

If it works, Little T will be just 2 when the new one arrives. Gulp! But people manage, and so will we.

I’ve 5 frozen and the plan is to defrost all of them and put best 2 back. This will stop me trying again and again. I don’t want IVF to take over again.

The bump envy won’t go away, even labour stories were making me jealous, but now we have made a decision, i feel at ease, peaceful almost and excited!

I’m excited to love another little person and give T a playmate. I also know that if it doesn’t work, T is meant to be an only child who we can spoil endlessly. Win win really.

Not getting any younger and biological clock is ticking away. I’m also being investigated for MS which has pushed my timeline up. That’s another story though.

So…big news

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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Broody, Jealous, Both or Neither

Broody, Jealous, Both or Neither

Do i want another baby?!

Maybe. Possibly. I don’t know!

I have times where I’d love another little person to love

And then i think about how hard it’d be, having two

Then i think, do it sooner rather than later, get the lack of sleep, the nappies, the weaning out the way ASAP

And then i think of how hard that’d be logistically.

Would i even get pregnant again? Would it be as terrifying as last time?

Would the baby be healthy?!!!

Can i put Mr Me and my family through that?

I’m jealous of a bump, i miss the feeling of a baby moving, i miss feeling special, i miss growing life.

I don’t miss not being able to turn over, or being so big i can barely move, or having swollen feet/ankles/hands

Logistically, how do you food shop with a newborn and toddler? How do you attend groups with a babe in arms and (hopefully) one on the move? (Little T is still pretty stationary for now, and toothless i might add)

How would we raise the capital for IVF and then pay for a baby on one wage?

Will Little T be lonely as an only child? Am i thinking about a second because it seems like that’s the socially acceptable thing to do?

When people go into labour, i envy them. Despite it being the most painful thing EVER and the recovery being horrendous, the memory is becoming a sweet one, i see now how women convince themselves it wasn’t as bad as they thought.

I like having spare bedrooms, and i worry the kids would fight endlessly and i wouldn’t cope.

But i think about having another daily. Sometimes i think it’d be great, other days i have a near on panic attack.

Is there a good age gap? Is going from 1 to 2 as hard as they say?

How do you KNOW you want another?

Heeellllppppp

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Stop cutting IVF

Stop cutting IVF

Today I was asked by Fertility UK if I’d comment on Trafford CCG possibly cutting funding to IVF to the local news

They need to save £20m, cutting IVF would save £400k. Hardly worth it in my opinion.

They also pay more than other CCGs so could shop around and save instead of denying anyone IVF.

Anyway, here we are…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Bad bereaved parent

It was Milo’s anniversary on 13th. I forgot. Only remembered today as facebook showed me a picture of the flowers we received after we lost him.

What a shit parent i am.

I think of Milo and Millie almost daily but i feel so guilty for forgetting

Yes i was busy with Little T, we had group, his passport application needed to be signed, a new cleaner started and we needed bits from Tesco.

Is it OK to forget? Ill never forget them, ever, but i think its best to focus on the now.

Little T is here and needs me, needs me to be present, needs me to be all about him and i think thats OK, i think?

I think M&M would want me/us to live life to the fullest, to be happy, to enjoy what we have and not lament what we have lost

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

My first Mothers Day

My first Mothers Day

I honestly never thought I’d be a Mum to a live baby. I thought i was destined to watch from afar, not feeling that love between Mother and Child.

And then Little T came along and its harder and more beautiful and more rewarding than i ever thought possible.

And I’m so very grateful, everyday, but especially today.

However, i remember. I remember being the Mum in waiting, the bereaved Mum, the pregnant Mum hoping this time it’d be different, so to all of you who are still waiting, still hoping, still grieving, i salute you. Today will be hard but you are stronger than you know and you’ll get through today, one way or another, whatever is easiest, that’s right for you.

Little T (and Mr Me) made me feel very special, with a lovely card, a book with 10 reasons Little T loves me, and wooden picture blocks. Ill keep these things forever, and remember how grateful and lucky i am when i see them.

Today means the world to me, I’m an actual Mummy to an actual little boy who is the most wonderful human

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Weaning 😣😂😍

Weaning 😣😂😍

What they dont tell you…(or what i didnt realise!)

Its hard…i thought after 6 months of milk he’d want food, but nope!

We are doing Baby Led Weaning (BLW) so nothing is pureed. Its great as he eats what we eat really, but it did take 5 weeks for him to actually swallow 😂

I was fairly convinced he would NEVER swallow, but he got the hang of it, shuddered when it happened mind!

Kids are fickle too. What he liked yesterday, last week, he may not, and probably won’t like today!! That makes meal planning hard, and for a worried Mummy too!

In 3 months hes meant to wean off formula altogether, i worry SO much that hes not eating enough, that he relies too heavily on formula (rightly so, ATM) but we have dropped the afternoon feed for last 2 days and it seems to be going OK(ish). (He woke up twice for feeds last night!)

Hes also not a fan of getting his hands dirty so theres baby cutlery and spoons everywhere and lots of food smeared on his face, my hands, clothes, floors etc.

They said BLW was messy but i didnt realise id be covered in it too and they dont do adult full cover bibs!!!

He has little to no etiquette but is fiercely independent so its all over his face, his hands, my arms, my hands, its basically a food explosion

But then he looks this cute and all is forgiven!!

Leftovers…id been eating them 🤦‍♀️ what a fool! Didnt like watching food go to waste, when i should have been watching my weight!!

Im such an idiot, no wonder ive only lost a few pounds since having him!!! Ive stopped now, fingers crossed ill lose a bit of flab 🤞

Little T, like most adults, loves all the wrong things too…twiglets, mini cheddars, rusks 😕 (He also enjoys peanut butter muffins but i make them so i feel OK about that.)

Wont touch a cucumber/carrot/celery stick, or a banana (never known a baby not like banana) so i know i look like ‘that’ parent when hes munching on a muffin, but he has a good brekkie and good dinner, i swear.

Little T hasnt been well so hes been off food and seems only to want softer things right now. This on top of being fickle over food!!

He loves Bolognese type stuff, but i had no idea tomato doesnt digest. I cannot tell you how panicked i was the first time i saw red poop, i thought he was dying!

We are still toothless which i think he finds frustrating, although im not sure how useful front teeth will be when it comes to chewing!?

He is hilarious to watch though and i get such joy when i see him enjoy what i make. To that end, im cooking all the meals, baking, and really enjoying it. We eat healthier meals now too, all thanks to Little T and Baby Led Weaning. Thankfully i have a brilliant app we use everyday or id be lost!!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Rainbows and Tears

We were invited to a Rainbow Tea Party at the hospital last weekend.

I wanted to go, to show off Little T, and thank the people that cared for us so well. However, i hate that place.

The night before, i relived all 3 births, in stunning clarity. I felt the same anxiety as normal when we arrived, had to follow my usual pattern of having a coffee (which has changed from Costa to Starbucks, yuk)

I still dont like the place but it was a nice afternoon and im proud we are part of the 2017 Rainbows

Rainbow Tea Party

Today has been a hard ass day, Little T has cried or whined all day. I dont know why. I dont think he knows why. He is usually a delight but today nothing pleases his lordship.

We went to the park to play on the swings since he loves it and he fell asleep on the way home and even tolerated being moved so im thinking hes poorly!!!

I planned to meet some friends for a drink but he really isnt in the mood and i dont think he would settle in a public space.

So im waiting on Mr Me so i can have a glass of wine and a long shower….an hour and counting.

3 seconds of silence provided by the washing basket

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Cats out of the bag…

Cats out of the bag…

As of Wednesday, i became a stay at home mum.

I handed my notice in at work. A month earlier than needed but i wanted to give as much notice as possible.

It was weird. I love my job, i really do. I just love being at home with Little T, more.

I’m in the minority, most of the Mums i know can’t or don’t want to stay at home. I feel very lucky that i can.

Little T is changing so much now and i don’t want to miss a thing. (Although he is some how moving and i always miss how he does it…I’m thinking bum shuffle?!)

Motherhood is everything i wanted it to be, and more.

Don’t get me wrong, there are days i want to pull my hair out and can’t wait for Mr Me to come home to give me a break, but 95% of the time, Little T is a joy to be around.

He is now 9 months old, weighed in at 20+lbs a couple of weeks ago, still can’t roll over and has no teeth, but he has the most amazing smile, loves music and his sensory toys. He babbles a lot (like his Mum) and loves food.

I’m so ridiculously lucky

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Keep talking, wear a pineapple

Keep talking, wear a pineapple

Ive got mine, have you got yours?

Show your support and keep the conversation going about infertility by wearing your pineapple badge.

The original concept is by IVF Babble a great website about infertility, IVF and everything in between.

Many celebs have joined the campaign, and you can too.

Badges can be purchased via Amazon

Go on, wear a pineapple, have a chat, tell your story

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Help for those who need it

Help for those who need it

If you, or anyone you know, is in the first year of bereavement, this charity aims to fund a weekend away to let you decompress and just ‘be’

I ran away after both my losses. I needed it to be Mr Me and I for a bit.

For Zachary

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx