Rainbows and Tears

We were invited to a Rainbow Tea Party at the hospital last weekend.

I wanted to go, to show off Little T, and thank the people that cared for us so well. However, i hate that place.

The night before, i relived all 3 births, in stunning clarity. I felt the same anxiety as normal when we arrived, had to follow my usual pattern of having a coffee (which has changed from Costa to Starbucks, yuk)

I still dont like the place but it was a nice afternoon and im proud we are part of the 2017 Rainbows

Rainbow Tea Party

Today has been a hard ass day, Little T has cried or whined all day. I dont know why. I dont think he knows why. He is usually a delight but today nothing pleases his lordship.

We went to the park to play on the swings since he loves it and he fell asleep on the way home and even tolerated being moved so im thinking hes poorly!!!

I planned to meet some friends for a drink but he really isnt in the mood and i dont think he would settle in a public space.

So im waiting on Mr Me so i can have a glass of wine and a long shower….an hour and counting.

3 seconds of silence provided by the washing basket

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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Cats out of the bag…

Cats out of the bag…

As of Wednesday, i became a stay at home mum.

I handed my notice in at work. A month earlier than needed but i wanted to give as much notice as possible.

It was weird. I love my job, i really do. I just love being at home with Little T, more.

I’m in the minority, most of the Mums i know can’t or don’t want to stay at home. I feel very lucky that i can.

Little T is changing so much now and i don’t want to miss a thing. (Although he is some how moving and i always miss how he does it…I’m thinking bum shuffle?!)

Motherhood is everything i wanted it to be, and more.

Don’t get me wrong, there are days i want to pull my hair out and can’t wait for Mr Me to come home to give me a break, but 95% of the time, Little T is a joy to be around.

He is now 9 months old, weighed in at 20+lbs a couple of weeks ago, still can’t roll over and has no teeth, but he has the most amazing smile, loves music and his sensory toys. He babbles a lot (like his Mum) and loves food.

I’m so ridiculously lucky

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Keep talking, wear a pineapple

Keep talking, wear a pineapple

Ive got mine, have you got yours?

Show your support and keep the conversation going about infertility by wearing your pineapple badge.

The original concept is by IVF Babble a great website about infertility, IVF and everything in between.

Many celebs have joined the campaign, and you can too.

Badges can be purchased via Amazon

Go on, wear a pineapple, have a chat, tell your story

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Help for those who need it

Help for those who need it

If you, or anyone you know, is in the first year of bereavement, this charity aims to fund a weekend away to let you decompress and just ‘be’

I ran away after both my losses. I needed it to be Mr Me and I for a bit.

For Zachary

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

This is why not

This is why not

So…

A lady on a facebook group im on, lost her baby girl at 41&2

She did a facebook live describing how it all happened. She was still in shock and she was/is trying to cope so i dont begrudge her for talking about it. I applaud her.

What shes going through is 100 times worse than anything i had to endure, she has to look at the moses basket and pram, knowing her angel wont ever use them.

Awful.

Anyway, im trying to watch her live, i get to the bit just before she gives birth…and i crumble. We already know shes gonna be stillborn so i should be ok. I wanna be strong for this lady.

But i break…

Im back in the room where Milo was diagnosed with HLHS, im giving birth, im losing Millie, im contracting…

I’m full of anxiety, I’m tense, i wanna be strong but I’m not. I’m a mess.

And that’s why i can’t have another. I can’t go through it again.

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Trips

Trips

Since little T arrived, we’ve had 2 ‘staycations’

The first was to forest holidays

We went to Keldy, little T was about 4 months old and still sleeping with us. We had our own hot tub and could explore the forest at leisure. It was really nice to get away, and easier than i thought. We all enjoyed it, once we stopped trying to use the hot tub when little T was asleep!! He kept waking the second we got in, so eventually we brought him onto the veranda in his buggy.

It was a lovely break and we had half decent weather too. Id defo go back, just need to wait for a deal as it’s very expensive, and you know, i have a baby now

We went to centre parcs more recently. To Sherwood Forest. Everyone told me it’d be amazing so i was really looking forward to it. I was thoroughly underwhelmed. It was good. But it wasn’t amazing.

We tried the bikes, both hated em, I had little T in a trailer, it was so wide!!! And Mr Me cannot ride a bike!!

It did snow one of the days, it looked quite pretty that day.

Little T loved the pool despite it being cold in the water. He loved the rubber ring, realising he could enjoy the water and not swim (he has weekly lessons).

We spent the majority of the weekend in various eateries and pubs!

Little T loves a menu!

So, I’d swerve centre parcs for a good few years. Despite the spa being amazing, it just wasn’t for me! And that was in the winter, can’t imagine what summer would be like!!! So i dunno what everyone loves so much, maybe i missed it?!

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Where do we go from here?

Where do we go from here?

I miss blogging.

I’ve held off as i know that when TTC the last thing you want is to read about how someone made it through the horridness that is infertility.

But i miss it. And i worked dam hard to get little T, i want to share stories about him, pictures of him.

So I’m letting you know, this will become a blog about someone who made it. Someone who won the war. Someone who paid their dues.

I’m truly sorry for everyone still fighting, i am.

But look how cute…

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

New Year, No Plan

New Year, No Plan

2018 is around the corner…its the first year in however long that i dont have a project 

Its either been; get pregnant or stay pregnant for so many years.

And now? Now there is no plan.

Its weird but utterly amazing. IVF and loss is exhausting. Its all consuming. This year there will be none of that.

2018 is about making memories…enjoying Little T and rejoicing that IVF isnt on the cards, nor is another loss.

We have 2 holidays booked, so far. Mr Me will despair if i book another break! So ill try not to! 

2018, im ready for you and i hope itll be one of the best

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Guilt

Guilt

I feel a lot of guilt. 

Mummy guilt…am i doing enough to stimulate him, does he watch too much TV, is he bored? Am i keeping him warm enough/cool enough, is he happy? Am i feeding him the right food? 

All in all this guilt i think is normal for any parent and i try not to let it ruin my day, but in the middle of the night, it eats away at me.

Sibling guilt. I dont want to try for another baby. I feel like, in the IVF world, im the only person who doesnt want another baby. Im too scared of another loss, Little T has escaped his Dad’s blood condition and my asthma, hes perfect, i like my life how it is. I dont think i could manage a newborn and a toddler. All legit reasons. But i feel guilty anyway. Like i should want another baby, that i should give Little T a sibling. I feel selfish and i hate that.

Infertility guilt. Christmas is tomorrow. For the first time in a decade, i dont feel an overwhelming sense of sadness, for the first time in a long time, we have a tree and decorations. I dont need to hide away, i dont feel angry at the world. I dont feel broken

But i do feel guilty. I feel guilty because i know so many other people who havent got their baby yet, i know this time of year is horrific for them. I feel guilty because i remember it all too well.

I feel guilty because it happened for me and not them

I know i went through the mill to get Little T, that i deserve to be happy, but once you suffer infertility, i think ot stays with you for life. I feel guilty for feeling jealous when someone announces a pregnancy. I dont even want another baby. But im still jealous. Infertilility is life long.

So, for those of you lucky enough to have all your dreams come true, enjoy tomorrow, cherish every moment. 

For those of you still waiting, do what you have to just to get through it. Hide, drink, rant, rave, avoid whatever hurts you. Dont worry about letting people down, theyll forgive you.

Merry Christmas

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

Happy Half Birthday

Happy Half Birthday

6 months today!!! Flown by. Although in those first few weeks i didnt think we would make it.

Little T is an absolute delight these days. Except when he is teething and/or stays up late. Which is a lot at the moment. But its fine because mostly he is awesome 

I still worry EVERY morning that he has died in his sleep (he is in his own room). I wake up and lie there waiting for him to make a noise, im too scared to go in first in case i find him lifeless. I remind myself daily that he is fine but im not sure ill ever stop feeling this way.

During the day though, we are having the best fun together. We have 4 classes a week and my anxiety about attending new ones is virtually zero. 

Support network is set up, and brilliant. 

We start weaning at the weekend. We are going with baby led. Im nervous and i dont know why. Perhaps because i have had such a strange relationship with food. Perhaps because its a sign time is flying past. Whatever it is, im fully kitted out now, and the veg is bought so i just need to take the plunge.

Changing tac slightly…

I had my 1st really down day yesterday. Id forgotten how low i could feel. It was preceeded by an anxiety attack the night before. It was a shock. I felt tearful all day. Its passed now but it was a stark reminder of why i take my meds.

Im currently having a kid free shop, its weird and i miss him. But its been nice to eat a sandwich slowly and drink a warm cup of tea. Haha

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx