I dont know how or what….

i don’t know how to say this, what words to use.

9 days ago we were told our baby was healthy, that they were coming home.

On Thursday 26th March 2015 at 19.48 our yellow bump turned pink. Millie was born sleeping, perfect, tiny and gorgeous.

I woke up at 4am on Thursday, i didn’t know why, but i think now, it was the start of things. I went to work as normal but my back was sore, really sore, and the pain radiated to my hips, and down to my ankles. I felt rough all day.

I rang Mum on the way home, at 4pm, and whilst driving, i started with what i hoped were braxton hicks. We agreed i best call the GP as i thought i had an infection and that was why i wasn’t feeling well. I got an appointment at 17.10 but they were running late so got in at 17.40, by that point, i knew what i was feeling were contractions. The Dr took me into her office and said within 5 mins i need to go to hospital. Whilst we waited for hubby, i did a pee sample, and passed some blood. It was the beginning of the end, i knew it. 

The Dr and i hoped and hoped, as she coached me through contractions and contacted the hospital to let them know i was coming.

Hubby arrived and we started our journey, in rush hour, the contractions were thick and fast and i was terrified my waters would go. They didnt, thankfully, didn’t want to ruin the car! 

We arrived at hospital at 18.40 and i somehow got to the department whilst hubby parked the car. I checked in and was asked to wait in a waiting room. 2 other much further along ladies were there, neither in pain but there for some emergency. I was still contracting and in a lot of pain when hubby arrived.

He immediately complained and i was taken to an exam room, asked to change, i was bleeding profusely by now, i knew we couldn’t stop this.

I was examined and told the membranes were pushing through, that i was 7cm dilated, there was no stopping this. Hubby broke. I cried out for pain relief, i was scanned to confirm the cervix had gone, then wheeled round to delivery.

I was given gas and air, and within minutes my waters went. I got as much gas and air as i could as we waited for morphine, god it hurt, but i had a lovely midwife and hubby held my hand all the way through. 

A left hand was born first, and then later, out came our baby girl, all at once. 

She was beautiful, i couldnt put her down. In all the haze of labour pains and gas and air, i came up with her name, Millie. Everyone agreed it was beautiful and perfect. She was wrapped and i held her whilst i called Mum to tell her. My best friend came to the hospital within the hour and sat and talked to me whilst i came down off my morphine high. It kicked in the second she was born. 

Hubby was so quiet, so hurt, but i had to chat, the morphine made me.

I never let Millie go. The midwife dressed her, pretty in pink, im not a girly girl, but Millie was!  We took photos, and i continued to hold her. My friend had to go home, but Mum was on her way with my brother.

I started having loads of blood drawn, to see if there is an explanation.  My placenta and umbilical cord will also be tested. We are yet to make a decision on a post mortem.

We left the hospital after midnight, with Millie’s memory box, hand and foot prints, hospital tags. We signed the memorandum book and once again made our way home. Not pregnant, but with no baby.

I do not understand what happened. I should have got to the GP sooner, or gone straight to the hospital. Im assured it wouldnt have made any difference, that it wasnt my fault, but its hard not to blame myself, i dont understand what happened.

9 days ago i was told i was having a healthy baby,  today i have 2 angels, born a year and 13 days apart.

What have we done to deserve this?

Love you always Millie and Milo

Love, Little Miss PMA xxx

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