I cant believe im actually saying this ‘outloud’

When I started this blog, i swore to be honest. And i have been and will continue to be. Todays post is VERY honest and im quite worried about the reception itll recieve but i cant edit ‘me’ or there is no point to this if i do.

Today i had a tough counselling session. I knew in advance it was going to be hard as the plan was to look at pictures of Millie to face the situation head on as i very much avoid talking about her, or Milo, whilst in counselling. I ended up taking Milo’s baby book as well as the one purchased for Millie so my counsellor could look and to be honest i thought, ‘in for a penny, in for a pound.’

Before going to the session, i had a chat with bestie L, and between us we worked out that i feel a lot of shame regarding the babies, but not in the way youd think, im not ashamed i lost them, im ashamed OF them. 

The revelations countinued. Firstly, i cant look at the prints without physically backing away from them. Luckily my counsellor realised i was struggling and took them off me, but used them as props to get me talking.

I dont feel anything positive towards the babies, no love or pride or, well anything. 

What i do feel, is negative.

Im ashamed of my children, when i look at the photos, i see a dead baby. Thats it. And its not nice to look at all. Ive always said i dont show people the pictures in case they are afraid, but the truth is im afraid of them, afraid and ashamed.

I dont want them as part of my timeline, as part of my history. I want to erase them, completley, from my life. In honesty the photos repulse me a bit. 

I cannot see hubby or I in the baby in the photos, i just see a dead baby. And its horrid and shameful and nasty but its now i feel.

I am a monster.  Its not right for me to feel this way but ive finally admitted the truth to myself and it is how i feel.

I went overboard about baby loss awareness through guilt, i wanted to say and do the ‘right’ thing, to hide what i was actually feeling, which was nothing.

I dont miss them. I dont love them. I cant look at them. Im not proud of them. I just wish none of it had happened. 

I was honest with my counsellor about this and she told me not think of myself as a monster, but to realise that im only human and its OK not to be proud, they didnt do anything. Its OK to not miss them, as what is there to miss? i didnt know them, they didnt develop personalities, but its not OK to think of myself as a Monster.

I do though, im ashamed to admit all this, ashamed i cant be the doting mother, ashamed i feel nothing, well nothing good, about the kids. But at least im being honest with myself. Finally.

Having said that, im now drowning in guilt. Its hard to admit this to myself, that my own children scare, and repulse me a little, thatd i prefer it if they didnt exist, but i have to be honest to move forward.

I could bin all the photo prints, baby books and whatever else, but i know that in time, ill, hopefully, feel very differently. It may take a decade before i look at them again, but there will be a time im grateful for them.

How can any mother say this?! My children should be gorgeous to me, lets face it all parents love their children and see the best in them, even if others dont find them all that cute*, so why cant i think of my babies like that? Maybe because i dont feel like a mother?? Or maybe because im seeing them for what they are, small, dead, purple babies. 

Theres nothing to coo over, nothing to say ahhh about. They look horrendous, because they are, they are dead and they look it. And i hate that. I want a pink baby, normal sized, and healthy. Ill never put Millie and Milo on display because i cant bear to see them and admit that they are mine.

I do however, like looking at my bump pictures. Looking at them makes me smile and remember how amazing i felt being pregnant. I was very aware of the little miracles i was carrying, very grateful to be able to do what women do and give life. Except i dont do i? I give death. But i enjoy being pregnant. Its such a hard thing to reconcile, enjoying being pregnant but being ashamed by the end result. What really sucks  is now, i dont look forward to pregnancy, i dont think ill ever feel the same as i have before…is that really what sucks? Given what im admitting to here? Hmmm.

I hate myself for even thinking like this, im terrified people will look at me differently after reading this, to the point where i dont want to publish, but i will, just in case this helps someone else , one day, some day, maybe. 

Love, a very ashamed Little Miss PMA xxx

*Minty.

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